Observations From My Couch: Affliction "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

• Despite a gutsy performance by the heroic Josh Barnett, which saw the Baby-Faced Assassin attempt every submission in the book while weathering a storm of punches from above, the God-like Fedor Emelianenko proved yet again why he's the best in the world. He pounded on Barnett relentlessly, convincingly earning the unanimous decision and prompting Randy Couture - who was ringside - to weep and shower the Russian with rose petals.
• Renato "Babalu" Sobral not only put Gegard Mousasi to sleep with an Anaconda choke, but he held it on for at least ten minutes. It took five ring officials, eight corner men, an announcer, a crowbar and the Jaws of Life to pry him off.
• Vitor Belfort needed only .7 seconds to unleash a flurry and knock Jorge Santiago out. To the naked eye, it looked as if the referee said "Go!" and Santiago just fell over; only when the instant replay aired in slow-motion did viewers realize what had happened.
• Heavyweight knockout artist Paul Buentello was successful in stunning Dutch kickboxer Gilbert Yvel, and in his stunned state, Yvel went on to eye-gouge the referee and his trainer.
• Takanori Gomi lost. Because he sucks.
• Overall it was an amazing event, and afterwards Head Seamstress Tom Atencio thanked the fans and promised that the best is yet to come.