Observations From My Couch: Affliction "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

• Despite a gutsy performance by the heroic Josh Barnett, which saw the Baby-Faced Assassin attempt every submission in the book while weathering a storm of punches from above, the God-like Fedor Emelianenko proved yet again why he's the best in the world. He pounded on Barnett relentlessly, convincingly earning the unanimous decision and prompting Randy Couture - who was ringside - to weep and shower the Russian with rose petals.
• Renato "Babalu" Sobral not only put Gegard Mousasi to sleep with an Anaconda choke, but he held it on for at least ten minutes. It took five ring officials, eight corner men, an announcer, a crowbar and the Jaws of Life to pry him off.
• Vitor Belfort needed only .7 seconds to unleash a flurry and knock Jorge Santiago out. To the naked eye, it looked as if the referee said "Go!" and Santiago just fell over; only when the instant replay aired in slow-motion did viewers realize what had happened.
• Heavyweight knockout artist Paul Buentello was successful in stunning Dutch kickboxer Gilbert Yvel, and in his stunned state, Yvel went on to eye-gouge the referee and his trainer.
• Takanori Gomi lost. Because he sucks.
• Overall it was an amazing event, and afterwards Head Seamstress Tom Atencio thanked the fans and promised that the best is yet to come.

Predictions for Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizzaro World.)

Affliction's third show is tomorrow night, and the world waits with bated breath to see how "Trilogy" will play out. Will Fedor meet his match in Josh Barnett? Is Gegard Mousasi ready for the likes of Babalu? Is Dana White ready to eat his words for saying Affliction was a doomed piece of crap? Here are some predictions!

• Fedor and Barnett will wage a war of epic proportions. The Russian will prevail, but based on his performance and seemingly limitless heart, Barnett will be hailed as a hero for his courageous effort.
• Renato Sobral will have his hands full with Mousasi, yet he'll find the sub in later rounds.
• Vitor Belfort will do to Jorge Santiago exactly what Chris Leben did, i.e., knock him silly.
• Deividas Taurosevicius will submit Mark Hominick so fast, Canada will revoke Hominick's citizenship.
• Chris Horodecki will cling to the ropes in a panic. Unable to get the little rascal down, Dan Lauzon will instead submit him right there with a standing rear naked choke. Horodecki will fall unconscious, but not before uttering "Mommy!"
• Gilbert Yvel will attempt to eye-gouge Paul Buentello, but will only succeed in getting his finger stuck in Buentello's burrito. And by "burrito", I mean a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling of meat, rice, refried beans, pico de gallo and cheese - which Buentello carries around with him at all times.
• Affliction will announce that it will never die. Ever. It will be around until the end of time.

Tom Atencio: "Affliction Is Here To Stay"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

Addressing rumors that his organization may be faltering under the weight of exorbitant salaries and out-of-control production costs, Affliction Head Seamstress Tom Atencio held a press conference today on the steps of the Anaheim Police Headquarters, taking "haters, fear-mongerers and lackeys of Dana White" to task for what he claims to be "outright lies". "Affliction is here to stay," said Atencio. "We have taken a thriving t-shirt business and turned it into a mixed martial arts empire, and as our 'Trilogy' event on Saturday will prove, we have the best fighters in the world who are worth every penny we're paying for them." When asked if this would be Affliction's last outing, Atencio was quick to respond. "No way. In a year from now, we'll have had a total of six shows. And Fedor will probably be fighting Randy Couture. And Brock Lesnar. At the same time. Because that's what the fans want and we're willing to pay out a billion dollars of ours and everyone else's money to make that happen."

Saturday's Affliction: "Trilogy" event is set to feature Fedor Emelianenko taking on Josh Barnett, as well as a bunch of other fighters who will compete and then get paid for their work.

Fighters Totally Ready For Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

The fighters assembled for Affliction's third event - a star-studded affair dubbed "Trilogy" and scheduled for Saturday, August 1st - are set and ready for war. In the main event, Fedor Emelianenko, the most feared heavyweight on the planet, is scheduled to take on top-ranked contender Josh Barnett in what is sure to be a battle to remember. Who will emerge the victor in this contest between the heavy-handed sambo master and the submission specialist? Also on the card is the pairing of UFC veteran Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Dream tournament winner Gegard Mousasi, the Brazilian Phenom Vitor Belfort against American Top Team star Jorge Santiago, and knockout artist Paul Buentello versus Dutch kickboxer Gilbert Yvel - three bouts guaranteed to provide fireworks galore. Said Emelianenko: "I am honored to be competing for such a stable organization. Dana White can kiss my Russian butt."

Affliction: "Trilogy" will also feature a killer under card, a rock-solid business plan, and a focus on providing fighters with steady employment for a long time to come.

Josh Barnett Tests Positive For Anime; Bout with Fedor Off

In what can only be described as a crushing blow to the upcoming Affliction: "Trilogy" card, heavyweight Josh Barnett has tested positive for anime in a California State Athletic Commission pre-fight screening. As a consequence, his August 1st bout against Fedor Emelianenko is off, leaving Affliction promoter and head seamstress Tom Atencio scrambling for a replacement to face the Russian. According to published reports, the specific anime Barnett tested positive for include "Fist of the North Star", "Cowboy Bebop" and "Vampire Hunter D". The former UFC champ also allegedly tested positive for "Akira", but California does not ban "classic anime" for its fighters. No word yet on who might step in to help salvage the suddenly-stricken event on such short notice.

Deividas Taurosevicius to Test Mark Hominick's Ability to Enunciate

IFL veteran and all around Northeast stud Deividas Taurosevicius has signed on to face Mark Hominick for the August 1st Affliction: "Trilogy" card, and the Lithuanian-born grappling ace is sure to test the Canadian kickboxer's ability to enunciate. Sporting a moniker that has felled the likes of Bart Palaszewski, Savant Young and Dan Lauzon, Taurosevicius has proven to be tough as nails with a razor-sharp submission game - a game matched only by his nigh-inarticulable name in terms of dangerousness. "We're pleased to set up this featherweight match-up," said Affliction Head Seamstress Tom Atencio. "Mark Hominick and Deivi... Deivid... urk!" Atencio then suffered a fractured tongue. No word yet on his condition.

Official Statement from M-1 Global re: Kirill Sidelnikov's Positive Steroid Test

"When M-1 Global learned from the California State Athletic Commission that Kirill Sidelnikov failed his post-fight screening for performance enhancing drugs, we conducted our own investigation and asked Kirill to explain himself.

In preparation for his Affliction bout against Paul 'Big Burrito' Buentello in January, Kirill suffered from severe and painful hemorrhoids. Not wanting to miss any training time leading up to 'Day of Reckoning', Kirill followed the advice of a proctologist not affiliated with M-1 who gave him an enema commonly used in Russia to help treat some of his symptoms. It is M-1's belief that the enema is what contained the Stanozol.

For those who are skeptical of this explanation, we believe Kirill's account is true based in large part to his physique, namely his buttocks. If he had been using large amounts of Stanozol on a regular basis, his buttocks would have contained leaner muscle that had more definition.

While we do not believe the use of the enema provided Kirill with an unfair competitive advantage, we are obviously disappointed in his lapse of judgment. M-1 tales full responsibility for Kirill's actions and we respect the decision of the California State Athletic Commission."

Observations From My Couch: Affliction's "Day of Clobbering"

• Bobby Green really, really, really hates nuts. Like, really.
• Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou. Living proof that judo's submission game has only a third of the calories of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, yet with just as much flavor.
• Vitor Belfort didn't just knock Matt Lindland the heck out, he knocked Lindland back into infanthood. For a while there I thought the ringside physicians were going to have to change "The Law's" diaper and give him a pacifier.
• Gilbert Yvel proved he sure could take a beating. Josh Barnett proved he sure could dish one out.
• There are other more spectacular ways Andrei Arlovski could have lost to Fedor. I cannot, however, think of a single one of them.

Predictions for Affliction: "Day of Reckoning"

Wow. Affliction is actually having their second show. Who'd have thought? Well, here's some predictions:

• Jason High, who squares off against Jay Hieron on the main card, will face extra scrutiny from the California State Athletic Commission - especially when it comes to his urine sample. Because, you know, his last name is...
• Matt Lindland will, at some point, try to dry hump Vitor Belfort.
• Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou will pause during their bout, look around at the production, venue and crowd, and sigh in unison over the fact that they're not good enough for the UFC.
• Gilbert Yvel will, without fail, try to cheat.
• Josh Barnett will, without fail, kill him for it.
• In the main event, the man from the former socialist republic will win.

Weekend Schedule

Get ready for a jam-packed weekend full of fighting. On Friday, Extreme Challenge's "War at the Shore" event goes down in Atlantic City, while on Saturday there's Affliction: "Day of Reckoning" on pay-per-view, Lou Neglia's amateur MMA event "Proving Grounds" in Newark, and a Muay Thai kickboxing show at the Fighthouse in Midtown Manhattan. Then, on Sunday, WEC 38 airs live on the Versus channel. Expect MMA Journalist to liveblog Friday's Extreme Challenge and Saturday's Proving Grounds event from cageside.

Chris Horodecki Out of Affliction After Being Told Holding Ropes Not Allowed

Citing a strategy that involves "a lot of kickboxing and a lot of cheating", former IFL lightweight Chris Horodecki has dropped out of Saturday night's Affliction event, the result of being told that he will not, under any circumstances, be allowed to hold the ropes to prevent takedowns. "Man, the IFL didn't mind that I clung to the ropes like a coward," said the baby-faced fighter. "Why is Affliction giving me a hard time? Don't they know I lose when I'm on the ground?" Horodecki was scheduled to face skilled grappler Dan Lauzon. A replacement has not yet been named.

Scenes from an Affliction Press Conference

Affliction press conference at the Trump Tower in Manhattan. Tito Ortiz was there, as were Fedor and Donald Trump. The free food selection was lacking.

Fedor Coming to Town Spreading Tidings of Good Cheer

Russian heavyweight extraordinaire Fedor Emelianenko is coming to New York City on January 19th and 20th for some meet-and-greets and a press conference. On Monday the 19th, the Pride champ will being conducting some sort of mini-seminar (I don't know, maybe sambo? It could very well be ping pong) at a gym in Queens, then he'll dash on down to Brighton Beach in Brooklyn to shake hands with fans at the St. Petersburg Book Store. Tuesday the 20th will see Fedor at Trump Tower in Midtown Manhattan for an Affliction press conference. Expect MMA Journalist to be on hand with a camera and snarky comments.

Tom Atencio: "Rumors of Poor Ticket Sales Are Untrue. In Fact, I've Bought Thousands of Them."

Affliction Head Seamstress Tom Atencio, confronting rumors about lackluster ticket sales for the January 24th Affliction: "Day of Reckoning" show, issued a statement yesterday in an effort to stave off naysayers heralding the promotion's doom. "Rumors of poor ticket sales are untrue," said Atencio to a variety of fashion and MMA-related Internet forums. "In fact, I've bought thousands of them." Atencio went on to describe the boxes and boxes of tickets littered about his condo, and how he's almost maxed out money man Donald Trump's credit card with these and other purchases. Day of Reckoning will take place at the Honda Center in Anaheim, California, and will air live on pay-per-view. A bout between Fedor Emelianenko and Andrei Arlovski headlines.

Fedor Realizes He Can't Speak English, Cancels US Press Tour

Fedor Emelianenko, widely hailed as the best heavyweight fighter in the world, has cancelled his US press tour according to a written statement from his management team. The cancellation comes after the Russian sambo specialist's sudden realization that he cannot speak English, a realization that struck when Fedor was presented with his itinerary (which was to include interviews on "The Today Show" and "Nightline" as well as guest lectures at Columbia University, Yale and Harvard). "This man who follows me around and repeats what I say, but in other languages, I think he's a translator," said Fedor through a translator. "Really, I just thought people couldn't understand me because I mumble. But no, it's because I don't speak anything but Russian." Fedor is set to face former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski at Affliction's sophomore outing on January 24th.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 4

• It's 8:15. Edson Berto and Conor Heun had a great fight, with Berto gaining the distinction of being the first fighter of the night to stain the cage canvas with his blood.
• Berto's corner is concerned that when he goes backstage, Cristiane Cyborg will catch the scent and go into a feeding frenzy.
• Affliction honcho Tom Atencio is here. Oddly enough, he's not wearing any Affliction apparel.
• Just kidding. Of course he is.
• The Kimbo/Shamrock mystery continues. The prelim bout between Seth Petruzelli and Aaron Rosa was skipped, and the prevailing rumors are that both were offered up to Kimbo. Where's that janitor?

Ex-UFC Champ to Face IFL Champ at EliteXC/CBS Show; Enraged Dana White Kicks Dog

Former UFC heavyweight champ Andrei Arlovski will square off against IFL heavyweight champ Roy Nelson at the October 4th EliteXC event, according to a report on Sherdog.com . As Arlovski is under contract with Affliction, the bout, which is purported to be slated for the live CBS prime time broadcast, is a joint EliteXC/Affliction affair. Upon hearing this news, UFC Tyrant Dana White allegedly became enraged, and promptly kicked a dog.

MMA Market Analysis: Same Old, Same Old

Rumors abound concerning EliteXC's dire financial straits, Afflictions impending doom, the demise of the newssource FightNetwork and what-have-you. But this is really nothing new. Like the stock market, the MMA market cyclical, and after every boom comes a period of economic downturn. Back in 1996, when the UFC's original incarnation was pulling in Earth-shattering pay-per-view buy rates, the industry was flush with money and people angling for a share of it. Remember Extreme Fighting and the World Combat Championship? I do. They were nice, big alternatives to the UFC that bled money like crazy. A market downturn killed them off, enabling the strong to live on. In 2001 Zuffa bought the UFC and began making strides in getting the sport back on track, and the industry took off again. Remember the WFA? Or Ultimate Athlete magazine? I do, and I remember the inevitable market downturn once more rearing its ugly head. The Ultimate Fighter came along in 2005, providing yet another infusion of consumer dollars which in turn prompted the creation of the IFL and BodogFIGHT. Are you sensing a pattern here? You should be. It's the "same old, same old", and if the market demands that EliteXC folds (doubtful), Affliction dies (likely), or that the FightNetwork goes bye-bye (see ya!), well... that's just part of the cycle. Trust me, MMA will get "huge" again - and flush with fools and faulty business models just like it always does.

Affliction Teams Up With Golden Krust

Hot on the heels of the postponement of their October "Day of Reckoning" show, Affliction has announced a partnership between themselves and Caribbean bakery giant Golden Krust. In a press conference on Saturday, head seamstress Tom Atencio described the alliance as "ground breaking" and promised that it would "change the mixed martial arts industry forever". No word yet on what this means for the promotion in terms of breaking into the Las Vegas market or selling tickets to shows not headlined by Fedor Emelianenko, but Golden Krust is the world's leading producer of Jamaican beef patties, and its flavorful jerk marinade is heralded as the best jerk around.

Affliction Postpones Second Show After Fighters Refuse to Accept T-Shirts as Payment

Affliction's second pay-per-view event, slated for October 11th in Las Vegas and dubbed "Day of Reckoning", has been postponed to January. According to industry insiders, the postponement is a result of the promotion's roster of fighters collectively refusing to be paid in T-shirts, a move which no doubt will have lasting financial repercussions on the fledgling organization. Said Affliction head seamstress Tom Atencio: "I don't understand it. Each of these intricately designed shirts - such as the 100% cotton, red river lava wash 'Sketchbook Reaper' tee and the 100% cotton, black lava wash 'Eagle Shield' tee - accurately portray the rebellious spirit of men today. Fighters like Josh Barnett and Andrei Arlovski should appreciate them more than actual money. Am I right?" The venue for the January event will now be the Honda Center in Anaheim, California.