*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
Often, when there's no inherent drama in a situation - like when a supposed villain isn't that bad at all or when a Canadian doesn't know enough English to merit a speaking role - a SpikeTV producer must inject something into the scene to add spice. Sometimes it means the cast stumbles upon a cache of automatic weapons or a suitcase full of mob money. Sometimes it means telling cast members that their relatives have died (whether they have or not is irrelevant). And sometimes it means adding characters. But first!
There's one semifinal match-up left, and by the process of elimination we can surmise that it's going to be Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh's Armenian Fighter Wannabe # 34 vs. Joe Native American. Everyone agrees that Joe Native American sucks, from Dana White to Georges St. Pierre to Joe Native American to the janitor, and they voice their opinions in candid one-on-ones with the camera.
"Native American versus Armenian? No contest," says Dana White.
"I meed sure 'is fight was last bee-cuz 'ee sucks as a figh-terr," says the welterweight champ.
"Oh man, I suck," says Joe Native American.
"Jesus Christ," says the janitor, mop in hand. "Spencer the Page break the damn toilet bowl - again!"
The scene switches to the obligatory training montage. Joe Native American has pretty much gotten no screen time in the prior six episodes, which leads us to believe he's got zero personality and nothing about him worth talking about, so drunken French Muay Thai master Jean-Claude Van Hairy is thrust into the spotlight. You know, to add spice.
Says Jean-Claude Van Hairy after drinking a six-pack of Zima and half a bottle of Gordon's Gin: "Ah, oui…" There's retching sounds and then vomiting, and the kicboxer wipes off his chin. "Oui. Bien sur."
Meanwhile, in the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's life, there's talk of gunshot wounds, gangs and sweaters knitted out of the copious body hair an Armenian female generates in a year. There's also judo in there, studied since week nine in the womb, and we're led to believe that Joe Native American is in trouble. Grave trouble.
Unfortunately, none of this is moving the needle in the "Interesting-O-Meter", so a SpikeTV producer gets central casting on the phone.
Central casting: "Hello?"
SpikeTV producer: "Yeah, I need someone menacing. Someone not really a fighter, but who you'd think would be capable of fighting. But nothing too obvious - no prison escapees, no assassins, no crazies. What do you got?"
Central casting: "Hmmm… Menacing? Fighter but not a fighter? And nothing too obvious? How about a big black guy who works in the medical industry?"
SpikeTV: "Fantastic! Send him down."
And so there you have it, the reason why a heretofore unseen character is thrust into the cauldron of conflict, the reason why Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks into the TUF Training Center and starts beefing with the opposing team's "medic".
"So, you're the, uh, 'medic'?" says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, taking cues from someone off-screen. Someone probably the producer.
"Yes, I am the medic," says the new guy, his voice a monotone as he reads his lines from an index card in his palm. "And I will take no crap from you, Mr. Josh B'Kosha… K'Boshi…Kosh-Kosh-"
"Josh Kosh B'Gosh!" comes an urgent whisper from off-camera.
"Mr. Josh Kosh B'Gosh," says the new guy.
And then it's time for the coaches' challenge. That's right, that special time when the two opposing MMA fighters at the helm of each team must compete in some activity so inane and unrelated that the word "comedy" doesn't even come close to describing it (usually "tragedy" is more accurate). Once BJ Penn and Jens Pulver had to ride a bucking bronco (together - same bull). Another time Ken Shamrock and Tito Ortiz had to perform open-heart surgery (both patients died). Well, this time Georges St. Pierre and Josh Kosh B'Gosh must hit baseballs. Oh the insanity! The hijinks! Ah, who am I kidding, it's lame. Georges St. Pierre doesn't speak a lick of English and he's never seen a baseball bat in his life, so of course Josh Kosh B'Gosh kicks his butt. There's a stack of money involved and it goes to the American, but if any of that is meant to add additional spice to the proceeds… um, fail.
Fight time, and Joe Native American and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 mix it up against the cage for most of their bout, Joe Native American trying for a guillotine and somehow, someway using dark magick to avoid the perils of the Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34's alleged judo prowess. He still gets beat on, just not as badly.
"Wow, Joe Native American's not getting his ass kicked," says Dana White from his perch cageside. "As 'not getting your ass kicked' is a part of the judging criteria, he may actually win this!"
But it's not, and he doesn't, and Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34 takes the decision after two rounds.
Afterwards, Dana White gathers the two coaches in his lair. With clipboards in hand, they discuss which fighters should get a second chance and compete in the wildcard match-up. Both coaches agree that Brit Eye-run Wal-king Some deserves another shot (despite him being pretty battered and bruised from his scrap with Chris Rock on Steroids). But for slot number two Josh Kosh B'Gosh thinks Marky-Marc and the Funky Bunch should be the man; Georges St. Pierre wants Joe Native American. "Sum-times I do tings dat dee-fy logic an' ree-son," says the Canadian. "For een-stance, I agreed to coach when I do not speak En-glish so well."
Dana White shakes his head.
"See what I have to work with?" Josh Kosh B'Gosh says in exasperation.
So Eye-run Wal-king Some and Marky-Marc it is!