Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last night's episode is all about the dichotomy of disparate warriors riding into combat, each armed with varied skills and attitudes and each capable of winning or losing in their very own ways. Also, there's teeth.

The British Mr. T - still sulking from his defeat at the hands of the Marquis de Johnson - is taken aside by coach Michael Bisping, and Bisping apologizes for missing his fight. He weaves together some sort of excuse with threads containing the words "jetlag", "inexcusable" and "fell asleep in Dana White's hot tub amidst empty bottles of Boone's Farm and half-eaten Ring Dings, drunk on passion and love". But we know the truth. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.*

Cue Elvis Presley song remix. Okay, cut.

Then the next fight is announced. Is it me or is everything moving at breakneck speed? Anyway, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All prances around in a tutu and waves a wand fashioned out of toothbrushes, yet for all his carefree attitude and frolicky-ness, he confesses to be really, really scared of fighting. Sensing this like an underfed Rottweiller or PMS-suffering bobcat senses fear, Bisping announces that Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All will be facing Sir Edmund Stapler, the inventor of the common office stapler. The Team America: World Police rep gulps, starts sweating profusely, and can be heard uttering "Mommy..." under his breath.

Back at the TUF house, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All builds a fort in the living room out of sheets, blankets and pillows and forbids entry to anyone with a British accent. Gone is showtune-singing lad from Not Gay, California. Instead, we see a man very much like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo after a swamp monster has taken a seat behind them in the movie theater and hissed the words "Down in front." At the gym, the Queen of England (or Dan - anyone know why?) says his ward can win if he sticks to his game plan of talking real slow and appearing to have no concerns whatsoever over anything - not fighting, not anything. "But my stand-up is terrible," says Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All, and he demonstrates his terribleness by throwing pixie dust at some focus mitts and missing. "I'm going to die," he says. Meanwhile, the Queen of England lies down in a corner of the gym and doesn't move, and eventually wild animals like jackrabbits and lizards make nests on his still form.

But Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All doesn't die when he gets into the cage with Sir Edmund Stapler. No, he throws the Brit down and chokes him out with ease. And then the next fight is announced (whoa, slow down SpikeTV. Do you have somewhere else you want to be? What happened to us savoring these episodes?), with Team America: World Police fighter Frank Loser taking on Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There.

Frank Loser is the exact opposite of Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All in that he dresses more masculine and stomps around declaring his need for violence and his eagerness to punch people in the face. A teammate with a grudge against teeth offers Frank Loser a $100 bounty on any dislodged toofs he brings back to the house. Keeping in line with the way the show has been going lately, the backstory we get on these guys encompasses pretty much just what they had for breakfast (Frank Loser has a bagel; Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There has a bowl of Wheatabix). Then they're fighting.

For all his tough talk and aggression, Frank Loser comes out swinging and is quickly the absorber of a beating. Round 1 ends with the American sporting a Grand Canyon-like gap in his grill and teeth stuck in his mouthpiece, and soon into Round 2 the Brit is tapping him out with an armbar. Back in the locker room, Frank Loser remembers the $100 bounty and spits out more teeth, thereby coming away from the defeat richer by 500 bucks. Good for him.

Anderson Silva and Roy Jones Jr. Agree to Tantalize and Torment Fans Interested in Match-Up

UFC middleweight demigod Anderson Silva and boxing legend Roy Jones Jr. have agreed to relentlessly tantalize and torment fans interested in a match-up between the two, according to a report issued today by the Internet. Silva and Jones have proposed to dangle the idea of their meeting in the Octagon before fight-hungry fans indefinitely, and have even gone so far as to agree to facing each other under MMA rules - despite assurances from UFC Chief Scrooge Dana White that the bout would never happen. "I'd rather let another organization have Roy Jones Jr.," said White. "The UFC isn't about making money or pleasing fans. We'll leave that to someone else." Meanwhile, Strikeforce honcho Scott Coker released a statement, emphatically crying out "Oooh! Me! Me! Me!"

"Smokin'" Joey Villasenor to Give Up Smoking, Cites Health Reasons

"Smokin'" Joey Villasenor, a Greg Jackson-trained fighter from New Mexico known for his hard-hitting style and penchant for tobacco products, has announced his commitment to give up smoking. Citing health reasons and increasing statistical evidence that smoking can cause lung cancer and heart disease, Villasenor vowed in a statement to MMA Journalist that his "days of going through a carton of cigarettes and a box of cigars are through." "No more, man," said the veteran of Pride, the WFA and Strikeforce. "I owe it to myself, my loved ones and my coach. Smokin' Joe is done smoking." When pressed about the matter further, Villasenor conceded that he will continue to chew tobacco. "Yeah, you can call me Chewin' Tobacco Joe now." Villasenor is set to face Evangelista "Cyborg" Santos at Strikeforce Challengers June 19th event, which will be broadcast live on Showtime.

ROC 25 Shaping Up Nicely

Lou Neglia's Ring of Combat will return to the Tropicana in Atlantic City on June 12th, and the line-up for ROC 25 is shaping up nicely. According to their website, lightweight slugger Dom Stanco will be facing the well-rounded and dangerous Eddie Fyvie, heavyweight grappler Joe Abouata will take on up-and-comer Gian Villante, Igor Gracie will square off against Team Tiger Schulmann's Radji Bryson-Barrett, and TSMMA stand-out Louis Gaudinot will attempt to land a spinning backfist on veteran wrestler Nick Cottone. As for championship bouts, ROC middleweight champ and Team Renzo rep Rafael Sapo and UFC vet Sean Salmon will scrap, while light-heavyweight killer Ricardo Romero rematches with Glen Sandull (Romero lost their last bout via disqualification). As top-level regional promotions go, ROC is king. MMA Journalist will definitely be cageside for this one.

Top Five Worst Fighters in the Northeast

It takes a lot of guts to step into the ring or cage and test oneself in front of a crowd of strangers. However, it takes just one good look in the mirror to realize you're not ready for that test, and through the years MMA Journalist has witnessed a select few wade into combat totally unprepared and get clobbered for their ignorance. Here's a list of the top five worst Northeast fighters in no particular order (note: since the advent of amateur MMA in New Jersey in 2004, most people not ready for prime time get weeded out; sadly, the following had no such league to learn how much their karate sucked):

• Rob Copenhaver - Back in 2003, Copenhaver was the man if a promoter needed a fighter to fill a hole in the card, and no opponent ever complained. It's hard to say what style Copenhaver represented, as he tended to get beaten up on the feet as much as on the ground. Yet one thing was certain: his full-length Lycra pants meant doom for anyone who dared oppose him. Okay, not really.
• Jon McCaffrey - McCaffrey has the dubious distinction of being the first mixed martial artist to be banned from pro competition for poor performance. The performance in question? A Ring of Combat 6 13-second TKO loss to Jordan Pergola that was embarrassing for Pergola, the referee, the commission, the fans and innocent bystanders driving by on the New Jersey Turnpike who had no idea why they suddenly felt sick to their stomachs.
• Abdul Mohammed - Perhaps the most scariest-looking individual to ever step into the ring (he's so heavily tattooed, the ink designs cover his face), Mohammed has trekked from the wilds of Pennsylvania to compete in NYC's Underground Combat League twice. And he's been knocked out in seconds both times. He looks tough but his jaw is glass.
• Khristian Geraci - Supposedly, Geraci had boxed Golden Gloves and was dangerous with his hands. No one ever saw that, though, as he had very little ground game and kept losing. And losing. And losing. I think his record stands at 2-9-1 now, with his two wins coming via triangle choke after his opponents grew so overconfident they'd lit up pipes and casually starting smoking them from within his guard.
• Felix Rodriguez - A staple at Underground Combat League shows, Rodriguez is a tall and lanky lightweight who can be talked into getting into the ring with anyone. Miraculously, Rodriguez has never been killed, despite facing the likes of light-heavyweight Kaream Ellington and anyone else from any weight class looking to get an easy win.

Gallicchio Wins, Returns to Jersey with Aijan Frozen in Carbonite

The mighty Tom Gallicchio was victorious this past weekend in his quest to submit and capture Ohio's Marcus Aijan. Tracking his prey to a UMMAXX event in Akron, Gallicchio utilized a second-round triangle choke to incapacitate the submission specialist before freezing Aijan in carbonite. This was Gallicchio's first fight since his surprising loss to Rich Ashkar back in February. He has since returned to New Jersey, and Aijan's frozen form now hangs in his living room.

Tara LaRosa to Not Face Meisha Tate at ShoMMA Event

Sources within the Strikeforce organization have revealed that Miesha Tate will not be facing Tara LaRosa at the ShoMMA: "Strikeforce Challengers" event on May 15th. Instead, Tate will be facing Sarah Kaufman, an undefeated 8-0 competitor who replaces original opponent Kim Couture (Couture withdrew for "personal reasons") and who is definitely not the top-ranked 135-pound female fighter LaRosa. "I am very excited not to be fighting the best female fighter in the world," said Tate on the match-up. "Yeah, me too," added Kaufman, who, like Tate, can breathe a sigh of relief now that her first bout on the inaugural Strikeforce Challengers event won't end in a definite humiliating loss. Said Tate and Kaufman in unison, "Imagine getting tapped out on live TV?" And then they giggled.

Toby Frickin' Imada

On Friday night's Bellator FC, lifelong journeyman Toby Imada catapulted himself into the major leagues with a never-before-seen inverted upside-down triangle choke that left top ten lightweight Jorge Masvidal tumbling to the mat unconscious. How huge an upset was that? About as big an upset as when that iceberg defeated the Titanic via TKO back in 1912. For two and a half rounds Imada got the worst of the stand-up exchanges, and as expected Masvidal was cruising into his slot in the finals, where he'd be facing Eddie Alvarez at a later date. Now, with that "submission of the year" candidate, it's going to be Imada versus Alvarez in a Bellator FC lightweight tournament finale that's suddenly been infused with storyline and drama. Woot!

As the Couture Turns

In today's episode, Doctor Randy Couture's marriage to Kim Couture is in jeopardy after the vaunted brain surgeon files for divorce. Daughter Gina Carano is stricken with amnesia and believes herself to be a member of Greg Jackson's gang of bank robbers, while back at Zuffa General Hospital it's revealed that Lorenzo Fertita is Dana White's long-lost father - the product of an illicit one-night stand with Tom Atencio. Kimbo Slice's wedding to Scott Coker is interrupted by an intoxicated and rowdy Joe Silva, who later professes his love to the former EliteXC star, and across town love is in the air as a first date between Forrest Griffin and Anderson Silva goes off without a hitch. Like sands in the hourglass, these are the days of our lives...

Weekend Schedule

Eddie Alvarez and Jorge Masvidal are taking on Eric Reynolds and Toby Imada in the next round of Bellator FC's lightweight tournament. The event is in Ohio tonight but will air on ESPN Deportes tomorrow. Expect the Philadelphia slugger and Miami maimer to wreck house.

The Asylum Fight League will be having a grand all-day shindig at the Raritan Center in Edison, New Jersey on Saturday. According to their press release, experienced pros like Alvarez, Phil Baroni, Kurt Pellegrino, Martin Kampmann and Jay Heiron will be conducting seminars, plus there will be a wrestling tournament and a NAGA grappling tournament going down. Then, in the evening, there will be a 13-bout AFL amateur MMA event. That's a lot of combat sports for one day.