"The Key to Lyoto Machida's Success Lies in His Katas"

When top 205-pound contender Lyoto Machida steps into the Octagon to face champ Rashad Evans at UFC 98 on May 23rd, the Japanese-Brazilian Shotokan karate practitioner will almost certainly have his hands full with the champ's powerful wrestling and always-dangerous striking skills. But according to homeless karate master Sho'nuff, who was formerly the Shogun of Harlem but is now an itinerant ronin who collects empty soda cans, victory is entirely within Machida's grasp. "The key to Lyoto Machida's success lies in his katas," says Sho'nuff. "If he practices his technique to the point where he reaches the 'Final Level', well, that mofo will have 'The Glow'. Know wa mean?" But what of Evans' devastating KO power and athleticism? According to Sho'nuff, if Machida is bathed in the mythical Glow, nothing the TUF 2 winner brings into the cage will matter. "Who's the meanest? Who's the prettiest? Who's the baddest mofo, lowdown, around this town? If he's got the Glow, it will be that Brazilian cat. Trust me on this one, homeboy." Added the bedraggled-looking former competitor: "Say, brother, can you loan me a dollar?"

Weekend Schedule

The latest installment of Bellator FC is tonight in Robstown, Texas, and the only real bout of interest will be EliteXC champ Wilson Reis' semifinal match-up against Joe Soto. Whoever wins that one will move on to face the winner of Estevan Payan vs. Yahir Reyes in the featherweight finals. The event will air on ESPN Deportes on Saturday night.

Tonight is another edition of Friday Night Fights in New York City, a fully-sanctioned promotion featuring Muay Thai and boxing bouts. Last I heard, Joe Sampieri - who's taught Muay Thai at Renzo's academy and has fought MMA a few times with mixed results - is on the card.

There's also another Asylum Fight League this weekend. This one is way down in Southern New Jersey at some place called "Shady Katie's". I think Shady Katie's is a strip club. Or a meth lab. Or both. I dunno. Check it out and report back to me.

What's Up in New York?

What's going to happen to the Underground Combat League when MMA is sanctioned in New York? Check out this article written by some dude who likes to front like he's some sort of authority or something - http://www.mmamemories.com/2009/05/07/new-yorkers-get-ready.html .

Dana White and John Hackleman Exchange Barbs Over Hairstyles

UFC High Exhalted One Dana White and longtime Chuck Liddell-trainer John Hackleman, two of the industry's more recognizable bald men, exchanged barbs over hairstyles yesterday. At the heart of the matter is White's insistence that Liddell shave off his Mohawk after the former 205-pound champ's recent KO loss to Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. According to White, Liddell - once one of the most feared Mohawk-sporting fighters in MMA - is past his competitive hirsute prime, and at the UFC 97 post-fight press conference White stated, "This is the last team you will see Chuck's legendary hairstyle in the Octagon."

"Dana doesn't know what he's talking about," said Hackleman, who in his youth enjoyed a healthy and expansive afro but has for the last 15 years been hairless atop his head. "Chuck's Mohawk is still very capable and very dangerous, and besides, it's up to Chuck to decide what he'll do with his hair. Dana's just jealous his own hairline receded so badly back in 2003."

"I guess John's still saving up for hair plugs," said White in response. "But I know what's best for Chuck. He needs to shave it off."

More Bouts Lacking Eddie Alvarez Announced For UFC 101 in Philadelphia

The UFC has announced more bouts lacking superstar Eddie Alvarez for their UFC 101 Philadelphia grand affair slated for August 8th. In addition to the previously mentioned pairing of non-Philly natives BJ Penn and Kenny Florian, out-of-stater Forrest Griffin will be taking on middleweight champ and foreigner Anderson Silva in a light-heavyweight bout, and Virginia-based Amir Sadollah will face someone not named Eddie Alvarez. In a nod to Northeast MMA fans, Ricardo Almeida, Kurt Pellegrino, John Howard and Tamdan McCrory are also on the card. Meanwhile, it's questionable whether or not the most successful mixed martial artist Philadelphia has ever produced (Eddie Alvarez) will even be in the Wachovia Center that night. Said a spokesman for the UFC, "Please. Leave me alone."

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last night's episode is all about the dichotomy of disparate warriors riding into combat, each armed with varied skills and attitudes and each capable of winning or losing in their very own ways. Also, there's teeth.

The British Mr. T - still sulking from his defeat at the hands of the Marquis de Johnson - is taken aside by coach Michael Bisping, and Bisping apologizes for missing his fight. He weaves together some sort of excuse with threads containing the words "jetlag", "inexcusable" and "fell asleep in Dana White's hot tub amidst empty bottles of Boone's Farm and half-eaten Ring Dings, drunk on passion and love". But we know the truth. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.*

Cue Elvis Presley song remix. Okay, cut.

Then the next fight is announced. Is it me or is everything moving at breakneck speed? Anyway, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All prances around in a tutu and waves a wand fashioned out of toothbrushes, yet for all his carefree attitude and frolicky-ness, he confesses to be really, really scared of fighting. Sensing this like an underfed Rottweiller or PMS-suffering bobcat senses fear, Bisping announces that Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All will be facing Sir Edmund Stapler, the inventor of the common office stapler. The Team America: World Police rep gulps, starts sweating profusely, and can be heard uttering "Mommy..." under his breath.

Back at the TUF house, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All builds a fort in the living room out of sheets, blankets and pillows and forbids entry to anyone with a British accent. Gone is showtune-singing lad from Not Gay, California. Instead, we see a man very much like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo after a swamp monster has taken a seat behind them in the movie theater and hissed the words "Down in front." At the gym, the Queen of England (or Dan - anyone know why?) says his ward can win if he sticks to his game plan of talking real slow and appearing to have no concerns whatsoever over anything - not fighting, not anything. "But my stand-up is terrible," says Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All, and he demonstrates his terribleness by throwing pixie dust at some focus mitts and missing. "I'm going to die," he says. Meanwhile, the Queen of England lies down in a corner of the gym and doesn't move, and eventually wild animals like jackrabbits and lizards make nests on his still form.

But Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All doesn't die when he gets into the cage with Sir Edmund Stapler. No, he throws the Brit down and chokes him out with ease. And then the next fight is announced (whoa, slow down SpikeTV. Do you have somewhere else you want to be? What happened to us savoring these episodes?), with Team America: World Police fighter Frank Loser taking on Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There.

Frank Loser is the exact opposite of Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All in that he dresses more masculine and stomps around declaring his need for violence and his eagerness to punch people in the face. A teammate with a grudge against teeth offers Frank Loser a $100 bounty on any dislodged toofs he brings back to the house. Keeping in line with the way the show has been going lately, the backstory we get on these guys encompasses pretty much just what they had for breakfast (Frank Loser has a bagel; Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There has a bowl of Wheatabix). Then they're fighting.

For all his tough talk and aggression, Frank Loser comes out swinging and is quickly the absorber of a beating. Round 1 ends with the American sporting a Grand Canyon-like gap in his grill and teeth stuck in his mouthpiece, and soon into Round 2 the Brit is tapping him out with an armbar. Back in the locker room, Frank Loser remembers the $100 bounty and spits out more teeth, thereby coming away from the defeat richer by 500 bucks. Good for him.

Anderson Silva and Roy Jones Jr. Agree to Tantalize and Torment Fans Interested in Match-Up

UFC middleweight demigod Anderson Silva and boxing legend Roy Jones Jr. have agreed to relentlessly tantalize and torment fans interested in a match-up between the two, according to a report issued today by the Internet. Silva and Jones have proposed to dangle the idea of their meeting in the Octagon before fight-hungry fans indefinitely, and have even gone so far as to agree to facing each other under MMA rules - despite assurances from UFC Chief Scrooge Dana White that the bout would never happen. "I'd rather let another organization have Roy Jones Jr.," said White. "The UFC isn't about making money or pleasing fans. We'll leave that to someone else." Meanwhile, Strikeforce honcho Scott Coker released a statement, emphatically crying out "Oooh! Me! Me! Me!"

"Smokin'" Joey Villasenor to Give Up Smoking, Cites Health Reasons

"Smokin'" Joey Villasenor, a Greg Jackson-trained fighter from New Mexico known for his hard-hitting style and penchant for tobacco products, has announced his commitment to give up smoking. Citing health reasons and increasing statistical evidence that smoking can cause lung cancer and heart disease, Villasenor vowed in a statement to MMA Journalist that his "days of going through a carton of cigarettes and a box of cigars are through." "No more, man," said the veteran of Pride, the WFA and Strikeforce. "I owe it to myself, my loved ones and my coach. Smokin' Joe is done smoking." When pressed about the matter further, Villasenor conceded that he will continue to chew tobacco. "Yeah, you can call me Chewin' Tobacco Joe now." Villasenor is set to face Evangelista "Cyborg" Santos at Strikeforce Challengers June 19th event, which will be broadcast live on Showtime.

ROC 25 Shaping Up Nicely

Lou Neglia's Ring of Combat will return to the Tropicana in Atlantic City on June 12th, and the line-up for ROC 25 is shaping up nicely. According to their website, lightweight slugger Dom Stanco will be facing the well-rounded and dangerous Eddie Fyvie, heavyweight grappler Joe Abouata will take on up-and-comer Gian Villante, Igor Gracie will square off against Team Tiger Schulmann's Radji Bryson-Barrett, and TSMMA stand-out Louis Gaudinot will attempt to land a spinning backfist on veteran wrestler Nick Cottone. As for championship bouts, ROC middleweight champ and Team Renzo rep Rafael Sapo and UFC vet Sean Salmon will scrap, while light-heavyweight killer Ricardo Romero rematches with Glen Sandull (Romero lost their last bout via disqualification). As top-level regional promotions go, ROC is king. MMA Journalist will definitely be cageside for this one.

Top Five Worst Fighters in the Northeast

It takes a lot of guts to step into the ring or cage and test oneself in front of a crowd of strangers. However, it takes just one good look in the mirror to realize you're not ready for that test, and through the years MMA Journalist has witnessed a select few wade into combat totally unprepared and get clobbered for their ignorance. Here's a list of the top five worst Northeast fighters in no particular order (note: since the advent of amateur MMA in New Jersey in 2004, most people not ready for prime time get weeded out; sadly, the following had no such league to learn how much their karate sucked):

• Rob Copenhaver - Back in 2003, Copenhaver was the man if a promoter needed a fighter to fill a hole in the card, and no opponent ever complained. It's hard to say what style Copenhaver represented, as he tended to get beaten up on the feet as much as on the ground. Yet one thing was certain: his full-length Lycra pants meant doom for anyone who dared oppose him. Okay, not really.
• Jon McCaffrey - McCaffrey has the dubious distinction of being the first mixed martial artist to be banned from pro competition for poor performance. The performance in question? A Ring of Combat 6 13-second TKO loss to Jordan Pergola that was embarrassing for Pergola, the referee, the commission, the fans and innocent bystanders driving by on the New Jersey Turnpike who had no idea why they suddenly felt sick to their stomachs.
• Abdul Mohammed - Perhaps the most scariest-looking individual to ever step into the ring (he's so heavily tattooed, the ink designs cover his face), Mohammed has trekked from the wilds of Pennsylvania to compete in NYC's Underground Combat League twice. And he's been knocked out in seconds both times. He looks tough but his jaw is glass.
• Khristian Geraci - Supposedly, Geraci had boxed Golden Gloves and was dangerous with his hands. No one ever saw that, though, as he had very little ground game and kept losing. And losing. And losing. I think his record stands at 2-9-1 now, with his two wins coming via triangle choke after his opponents grew so overconfident they'd lit up pipes and casually starting smoking them from within his guard.
• Felix Rodriguez - A staple at Underground Combat League shows, Rodriguez is a tall and lanky lightweight who can be talked into getting into the ring with anyone. Miraculously, Rodriguez has never been killed, despite facing the likes of light-heavyweight Kaream Ellington and anyone else from any weight class looking to get an easy win.