Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 4

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Can a fight show survive after its earth-quaking Kimbo Slice wad has been shot and everyone, from producers to production assistants to cameramen to sound guys to fighters and coaches and athletic commission officials, are struck by the sudden urge to smoke a cigarette and see what's munchable in the fridge? Can the show go on? And will viewers have a reason to tune in?

Doubtful!

After an extended recap of Kimbo's noble and valiant effort against the evil Roy Nelson, we're treated to more of the former backyard brawler talking intimately with his TUF house roommate, Abe Wagner. "I don't feel like I've been eliminated," says Kimbo.

The battered Wagner - whose ass got stomped first this season and is now just counting down the days until he can go back home and manage that Walgreens - stares at him incredulously. "I think this is your coping mechanism for having lost," Wagner offers up, but if he says more, his words are lost once Kimbo starts flexing his biceps and stroking his beard, two actions that elicit "oohs" and "ahhhs" from the off-camera production crew.

Will Kimbo re-enter the competition? For that to happen, one of the remaining contestants must drop out, an idea that induces SpikeTV execs to begin stocking the TUF house with poisoned food in boxes labeled "NOT FOR KIMBO". But before any of the tainted food can be eaten, ex-NFL player Marcus Jones is stricken by a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON, a disease that suddenly drenches him in sweat and prompts Kimbo to perform CPR on him. At the prospect of Kimbo getting to fight again, cheers erupt from the crew, cheers that fade when Marcus Jones recovers.

"Let me step up," Kimbo says to the camera. "Tag me in and I'll guarantee SpikeTV so many viewers, the network's ad sales will get ridiculous." And outside, an executive in a three-piece suit hides in the bushes with a lead pipe, ready to kneecap the first fighter he sees.

At the TUF training center coach Rashad Evans is putting his wards through their paces. He begins to narrate, describing the fighters' strengths and abilities as if he were the leader of a commando unit and these were the soldiers chosen for the upcoming mission. "Justin Wren is a master of demolitions," he says. "He also likes long walks on the beach and can juggle while riding a unicycle." Cut to Brendan Cottonswab, who's lying on his stomach, carefully lining up thousands of dominoes. "Brendan is a sniper. He can also speak old Latin and once crocheted me a sweater out of saved pocket lint." The camera switches to Matt Minestrone. "Matt throws knives. He's also an Italian, tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice."

Coach Evans has his fighters join him and his staff in private to discuss their match-ups. Justin Wren is told he'll be facing his superbestbestfriend Scott Garbage. He initially says yes, but then changes his mind. "He's my superbestbestfriend," and Justin Wren lifts up his shirt to reveal a tattoo of a heart with the words "Scott Garbage - superbestbestfriend" in purple letters on his chest.

"That... is very weird," coach Evans admits.

Cut to coach Quinton Jackson. It's his turn to narrate while his fighters have their training montage. "Scott Garbage? He big," says Jackson. "Demico Rogers? He big, too." A series of clips of Marcus Jones stepping on bugs. "Marcus Jones?" says Jackson. "He very big." And that's that.

Back at the TUF house and Matt Minestrone blabs about the match-ups coach Evans has in mind. Somehow this is a big deal. Maybe because no one could've come up with these logical match-ups on their own, or maybe because there are so many fighters in the house and so many match-up permutations available that no one in a million years would've ever guessed that Fighter A would have to face Fighter B. Who knows. Anyway, Matt Minestrone's teammates give him grief about blabbing.

In coach Evans' den of unknown trainers, Matt Minestrone apologizes for letting the cat out of the bag. Evans' accepts his apology and dismisses him, but once Matt Minestrone leaves he ponders aloud, "Is he dumb?"

"No, he's just a tomato-based soup comprised of vegetables and either pasta or rice," says one of his assistants.

It's time to announce the match-up for the next fight, and coach Evans picks Brendan Cottonswab to face Demico Rogers. To prepare for the bout Brendan Cottonswab walks around the cage with one of the team's assistant coaches telling him how awesome he is. "You're so awesome," whispers the coach. "You're so awesome, you are the yardstick by which 'awesome' is measured. Go to Wikipedia and type in 'awesome' and it links to a picture of you. Dude, you are both 'awe' and 'some', which, when mixed together, makes a volatile elemental compound known as 'Awsm'. When you add water to 'Awsm', it explodes in pure 'awesome'."

On the Team Rampage side, assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden statue of a head - awesome, huh?) advises Demico Rogers to "explode all over his opponent's face." Sigh.

It's almost fight time now, and in the Team Rashad locker room there's hooting and hollering and Brendan Cottonswab is showered with streamers while chicks in bikinis sing karaoke. In Demico Rogers' locker room, coach Jackson is nowhere to be found. Instead, they sit around gloomy and morose, reading old 'Sandman' comic books.

Then they fight. Demico Rogers takes the reins initially with a takedown and some ground and pound, passes guard to drop more leather, and gets greedy and tries to attain mount. Brendan Cottonswab reverses him, slips on an Anaconda Choke and taps him out. Demico Rogers is distraught, and remains on his knees with his head bowed in the Octagon. Coach Jackson ignores him, or perhaps forgets that he's actually one of the coaches this season, so Evans kneels down and consoles the defeated warrior.

Afterwards, Jackson gathers his staff in a room. "Guys, I don't feel so good. We keep losing."

"Really?" says Tiki-Tiki-Head. "There's a bad case of ZEROTALENTTHISSEASON going around. Maybe you have it."

The end.

CBS To Promote November 7th Strikeforce Show With Telepathy, Astral Projection

In lieu of commercials, print ads and other commonly used methods of marketing, CBS has to decided to promote their November 7th Strikeforce event via telepathic means, according to an astrally projected press release circulated today. The event, which will feature heavyweight top dog Fedor Emelianenko versus Brett Rogers on live television, has thus far had zero promotional support from the Tiffany Network - much to the chagrin of MMA fans and observers alike. But today's astrally projected release seems to go a long way towards allaying any fears that CBS isn't completely behind the event or that they're setting Strikeforce up to fail. "We at CBS are firmly committed to giving this momentous fight show the push it deserves," said a network spokesperson who appeared in the dreams of dozens of sports writers. "In the coming weeks, a legion of telepaths will be broadcasting their positive Fedor Emelianenko thoughts to the world, and come November 7th, just about anyone with a TV set will have the uncontrollable urge to tune in." Though it's unclear how effective this method of advertising is, it's comforting to know CBS is at least doing something.

There's a WEC This Saturday. No, Really, There Is.

Believe or not, there's a WEC this Saturday. No, really, there is. Surprising, huh? Donald Cerrone and Ben Henderson are headlining, with the winner earning himself an interim lightweight championship belt, and the undercard features such world-renown superstars as Rich Crunkilton, Damacio Page and Rafael Assuncao - names so big most fans shudder at their mere utterance. Wait, what's that? What does any of this have to do with Kimbo Slice's pre-recorded bout from three months ago or Chuck Liddell doing the tango like a spaz? Absolutely nothing... which is probably why the Zuffa-owned promotion has gotten zero push and less than zero media attention. And that just begs the question: why bother? Why bother having this lackluster event when not even Youngstown, Ohio cared enough to by a single ticket when it was supposed to happen there? And why bother having someone other the organization's "big" names (like Urijah Faber, Mike Brown or even Jens Pulver) fight when no one outside of the hardcore fan would even know who Cerrone and Henderson are? I honestly don't know, but if you have an answer, email it to mma_journalist@yahoo.com . Enquiring minds want to know.

Ultimate Warrior Challenge 7 Pics

Looks like UFC vet Clay Guida and WEC champ Jamie Varner were in attendance, and Mike Easton wore Chase Beebe like a sweater. Credit goes to Jake Blanton for the outstanding pics.

Ultimate Warrior Challenge 7 Review

Intrepid reporter Adam Butterworth and ace photog Jake Blanton were on hand to cover Saturday night's UWC 7 in Fairfax, Virginia. How badly was Chase Beebe robbed? Which fight was the best? Can the Virginia athletic commission ever be trusted again? Here's what Adam had to say: "The best card ever at the UWC produced some great fights, devastating knockouts, some close decisions, and one decision I wouldn't even call questionable - it was comical.

Speed knockout of the night goes to the ever-improving Kris 'Savage' McCray, who ended previously undefeated Igor Almeida's night in 49 seconds with a brutal mix of stand-up and wrestling. Yes, a lot of skills showed in a short time frame. Another devastating knockout was delivered by Kyle 'I need another nickname besides Alley Cat' Baker, who devastated a tough, heavy-handed Tommy Truex with body shots. 'Balboa' is a much better nickname in my opinion - just look at his face and the way he fights. He chops his victims down like Rocky and I think I may have heard him cry 'Adrian' after the fight. I can't wait to watch him fight again.

Ryan 'The Rhino' Sturdy sure lived up to his last name but never should have been sent out for Round 3 as Timothy 'Rashad' Woods took him to Poundtown for two rounds and he could barely walk due to 14,754 brutal leg kicks. Woods is a monster and could have finished the fight earlier, but appeared to respect the Rhino's power and stayed at range. 'Tick Tock' McClintock has serious skills and totally outclassed the other (also very tough) Baker brother.

Not worth noting are the judges, who were either 1) drunk, 2) paid off, 3) bitter at Chase Beebe for skipping his last fight at the 11th hour, or 4) bitter at Chase Beebe for showing his ass crack all night. Easton fought hard as always, landed some nice kicks and a few punches, but spent 15 minutes with a world-class wrestler on his back. I don't think choke-out-avoidance wins a title match.

Fight of the night was Dodson versus Runez. Dodson is one of the most entertaining and skilled fighters in the sport. And while he often brings on boos for dancing around the ring, his footwork is amazing. Runez, after getting caught and nearly finished, showed some tremendous conditioning and won the last three rounds. I was exhausted simply watching this fight - these guys never stopped.

Reported crowd was under 5,000, which I think is the second largest for the UWC at the Patriot Center. With more cards like this, the crowds should keep getting bigger."

December KAPMMA Show to Feature Kung Fu vs. Karate Bout

Karriem Abdallah, the man behind KAPMMA, has announced another installment in his amateur championship series. The date is December 18th and the venue is Essex County College in Newark, and if the idea of checking out some amateur MMA bouts isn't enough of an enticement, then maybe the promised "kung fu vs. karate" superfight is enough to rope you in. Novell Bell, aka "the Black Taoist", will be repping the kung fu half of the equation, with Sensei Mo representing the karate half. I have no idea who Sensei Mo is, but Bell appeared on the ill-fated BET show "The Iron Ring" as some sort of guest instructor. Does he truly possess the right traditional martial arts techniques to foil those moves that might occur in an MMA bout? Can he stop a takedown with his chi? Or will he and Sensei Mo just start busting out katas until referee Donny Carolei gets frustrated and clobbers them both with a fire extinguisher? Stay tuned!

New Generation Karate Came To Vermont, Saw, and Kicked Ass

Long Island-based American Freestyle/New Generation Karate's journey up to Vermont to compete at the Caged Rage MMA show this past weekend resulted in another sweep by the up-and-coming fight team. UCL veteran Chris Corr racked up another win, this time securing a guillotine in the first round, while Eric Blasich nailed a 46-second rear naked choke and Will Lucas won via unanimous decision. How was the event itself? Says Rudy Luna of American Freestyle: "Run very well. Great crowd. Weigh-ins at the local Harley Davidson store with the rock radio station doing a live show. Nice cage. Impressive." Congrats again to the UCL Away Team!

Underground Road Trip

A number of UCL veterans, including members of the American Freestyle/New Generation Karate fight team, are en route to Vermont to compete at Saturday's Caged Rage MMA show in Essex Junction. This isn't the first time the promotion has fielded a few UCLers, and it's actually not that uncommon for representatives from other organizations to exchange fighters (in fact, at one point the Empire State Warriors Challenge wanted to take on the UCL's best to see who had the better underground competitors). This time around Chris Coor and Eric Blasich are going to be throwing down, with Coor actually taking on a KOTC vet. MMA Journalist won't be making the trip, but I certainly wish them luck. Kick ass guys!

Mike Easton to Crush Chase Beebe at UWC 7 This Weekend

The long-awaited bout between Ultimate Warrior Challenge 135-pound champ Mike Easton and WEC veteran Chase Beebe will finally happen this weekend at UWC 7: "Redemption" in Fairfax, Virginia, with Easton likely crushing the Midwesterner like a bug scurrying across a kitchen floor. Sadly, it's a fight that should've happened months ago. As some may recall, this match-up was originally slated for last February, but a sudden injury to his vagina had Beebe no-showing, and fighting - and losing - in a DREAM tournament weeks later (click here for a walk down Memory Lane: http://mmajournalist.blogspot.com/2009/02/chase-beebe-suffers-vagina-injury.html). Anyway, let's hope Beebe has recovered enough to at least give Easton a decent fight. The rest of the UWC 7 card looks great, with usual suspects Kyle and Beau Baker, Reshad Woods, Kris McCray and female fighter Iman Achhal all back for more. MMA Journalist will have correspondents on hand to check out the event, so stay tuned for more coverage.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Kimbo Slice is going to face off against Roy Nelson in the Octagon - let the damage control begin!

Fade in to the TUF House, to Kimbo relaxed on a bed and waxing poetic to his teammate Abe Wagner about life, love and facial hair. "My beard is actually named Kimbo, yo," he says. "My real name is Kevin Ferguson, but everyone assumes Kimbo Slice is my alias." He shakes his head, his white Muslim skullcap moving back and forth on his Charlie Brown pillow atop Snoopy bedsheets. "My beard is the one named Kimbo Slice. We're like two different entities. It's even got its own Social Security number. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Abe Wagner looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Kimbo, this time alone, speaks of existentialism. Of the duality of man. He kneels beside his bed and prays, then talks of the world being his enemy. His "inner me" being the enemy. The world needing an enema. Himself needing an enema. Of Def Leppard's 1987 single "Animal". The world needing rock anthems. Himself worshipping the Egyptian god Anubis.

The cameraman steps in front of the camera, stares into the lens and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Cut to the housemates ruminating on what a great fight Kimbo vs. Nelson will be, and how it could be on pay-per-view. From behind a closed door Nelson can be heard weeping at paydays lost and all-you-can-eat buffets gone untouched. "Goddamn TUF contract..."

At the TUF training center Team Rashad talks of their great strides with Nelson, and how he at first resisted the infamous "nipple tweak" fans often witness a Greg Jackson-trained fighter doing before he charges into battle. But they've broken down Nelson's barriers, these coaches who know one knows, and now Nelson will tweak his nipples freely and fervently.

Keith Jardine, Coach Rashad Evans' mate from New Mexico, shows up to shake hands and steal gym supplies. Evans greets him with affection, tweaking his nipples and directing him to Quinton Jackson in some misguided attempt at mind games (Jardine lost to Jackson when they fought at UFC 96 - how is that supposed to mess with Jackson?). Regardless, more jovial words are exchanged between the two coaches, soft insults wrapped in smirks and grins, no doubt prompted by Dana White offscreen, who must remind Evans and Jackson daily that they're supposed to generate heat and conflict for this season or else they'll end up with an audience indifferent to their pairing (like last season's Dan Henderson/Michael Bisping escapade). At that point Evans' other mate, Brit James McSweeney, chimes in, but no one understands him and his words are lost.

Back to Kimbo, who is training hard-ish for his upcoming bout. Assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - crazy, huh?) instructs the former backyard brawler on the finer points of having bigger men hug you and lie on top of you, and implores Kimbo to "do whatever comes natural." At that, Kimbo - mounted by a teammate - reaches into his waistband and pulls out a handgun. He fires four shots into the teammate's stomach. "Excellent! Great job!" says Tiki-Tiki-Head.

Kimbo's wounded teammate, guts in hand, looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

In a set-up for the next or perhaps future episodes, we're introduced to another ex-NFL player. He likes flowers. Also, his knee hurts. Could he be bow out of the competition to allow someone who lost another chance? Stay tuned!

As Kimbo's perspective has dominated the airtime of this episode, it's time for a little back story on his foe, IFL heavyweight champ Nelson. "My name is Roy Nel-" And then the camera goes back to Kimbo, stating why he believes his beard deserves a Nobel Prize.

Fight time, and Rampage has shaved his head so his hairstyle mimics that of his fighter. Kimbo's beard growls. Nelson, meanwhile, seems a little peeved the cameramen have been swarming around Kimbo like flies on a chocolate cake. Other than Jacob "Stitch" Duran doing a quick sketch with crayons, the rotund Nelson has gotten zero attention.

"I'm so excited for this fight," says Dana White. "On the one hand, Kimbo sucks - like I said when he was fighting for other promotions. But on the other hand, he's the greatest fighter that ever lived. Especially now that he's a UFC employee."

And then it's on. From their corner, Team Rampage shouts vital instructions and advice, like "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" or "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" But Kimbo ignores them, instead opting to lie on his back with Nelson's gigantic belly in his face, Nelson all the while patting him gently on the head. This goes on well into the second round (as Kimbo is unable to reach the handgun tucked into his waistband with Nelson pinning his arms), and finally referee Herb Dean Jellybean has seen enough. The best, most experienced fighter in the TUF House has won via TKO.

Dana White rises to his feet, applauding. "That was fantastic! Kimbo Slice looked like a warrior, and I can't wait for him to headline a UFC pay-per-view!"

And the entire cast and crew turn to the camera and simultaneously mouth "What the fuck?"

Cris Cyborg Wounded By Hunters; November 7th Bout in Jeopardy

Cris "Cyborg" Santos' November 7th bout against an unnamed opponent, which was to take place on the Fedor Emelianenko/Brett Rogers Strikeforce undercard and broadcast live on CBS, is now in jeopardy after the 145-pound female champ was wounded by hunters in Brazil. According to her handler, Santos was stalking food in the Pantanal wetlands when the gleam of her shiny championship belt gave her position away to a pair of game hunters, and she was grazed by the subsequent volley of shotgun fire. "She is fine as it was only a flesh wound," said Manuel Carfi of the Chute Boxe Academy of Monsters. "But it is up to the doctors to decide if she will be cleared to fight by November, so we shall see." The fate of the hunters is unknown at this time, although it is believed that they were eaten. By something. Something terrible.