Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Kimbo Slice is going to face off against Roy Nelson in the Octagon - let the damage control begin!

Fade in to the TUF House, to Kimbo relaxed on a bed and waxing poetic to his teammate Abe Wagner about life, love and facial hair. "My beard is actually named Kimbo, yo," he says. "My real name is Kevin Ferguson, but everyone assumes Kimbo Slice is my alias." He shakes his head, his white Muslim skullcap moving back and forth on his Charlie Brown pillow atop Snoopy bedsheets. "My beard is the one named Kimbo Slice. We're like two different entities. It's even got its own Social Security number. Know what I'm sayin'?"

Abe Wagner looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Kimbo, this time alone, speaks of existentialism. Of the duality of man. He kneels beside his bed and prays, then talks of the world being his enemy. His "inner me" being the enemy. The world needing an enema. Himself needing an enema. Of Def Leppard's 1987 single "Animal". The world needing rock anthems. Himself worshipping the Egyptian god Anubis.

The cameraman steps in front of the camera, stares into the lens and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

Cut to the housemates ruminating on what a great fight Kimbo vs. Nelson will be, and how it could be on pay-per-view. From behind a closed door Nelson can be heard weeping at paydays lost and all-you-can-eat buffets gone untouched. "Goddamn TUF contract..."

At the TUF training center Team Rashad talks of their great strides with Nelson, and how he at first resisted the infamous "nipple tweak" fans often witness a Greg Jackson-trained fighter doing before he charges into battle. But they've broken down Nelson's barriers, these coaches who know one knows, and now Nelson will tweak his nipples freely and fervently.

Keith Jardine, Coach Rashad Evans' mate from New Mexico, shows up to shake hands and steal gym supplies. Evans greets him with affection, tweaking his nipples and directing him to Quinton Jackson in some misguided attempt at mind games (Jardine lost to Jackson when they fought at UFC 96 - how is that supposed to mess with Jackson?). Regardless, more jovial words are exchanged between the two coaches, soft insults wrapped in smirks and grins, no doubt prompted by Dana White offscreen, who must remind Evans and Jackson daily that they're supposed to generate heat and conflict for this season or else they'll end up with an audience indifferent to their pairing (like last season's Dan Henderson/Michael Bisping escapade). At that point Evans' other mate, Brit James McSweeney, chimes in, but no one understands him and his words are lost.

Back to Kimbo, who is training hard-ish for his upcoming bout. Assistant coach Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - crazy, huh?) instructs the former backyard brawler on the finer points of having bigger men hug you and lie on top of you, and implores Kimbo to "do whatever comes natural." At that, Kimbo - mounted by a teammate - reaches into his waistband and pulls out a handgun. He fires four shots into the teammate's stomach. "Excellent! Great job!" says Tiki-Tiki-Head.

Kimbo's wounded teammate, guts in hand, looks at the camera and mouths the words "What the fuck?"

In a set-up for the next or perhaps future episodes, we're introduced to another ex-NFL player. He likes flowers. Also, his knee hurts. Could he be bow out of the competition to allow someone who lost another chance? Stay tuned!

As Kimbo's perspective has dominated the airtime of this episode, it's time for a little back story on his foe, IFL heavyweight champ Nelson. "My name is Roy Nel-" And then the camera goes back to Kimbo, stating why he believes his beard deserves a Nobel Prize.

Fight time, and Rampage has shaved his head so his hairstyle mimics that of his fighter. Kimbo's beard growls. Nelson, meanwhile, seems a little peeved the cameramen have been swarming around Kimbo like flies on a chocolate cake. Other than Jacob "Stitch" Duran doing a quick sketch with crayons, the rotund Nelson has gotten zero attention.

"I'm so excited for this fight," says Dana White. "On the one hand, Kimbo sucks - like I said when he was fighting for other promotions. But on the other hand, he's the greatest fighter that ever lived. Especially now that he's a UFC employee."

And then it's on. From their corner, Team Rampage shouts vital instructions and advice, like "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" or "Knock him out, Kimbo! Knock him out!" But Kimbo ignores them, instead opting to lie on his back with Nelson's gigantic belly in his face, Nelson all the while patting him gently on the head. This goes on well into the second round (as Kimbo is unable to reach the handgun tucked into his waistband with Nelson pinning his arms), and finally referee Herb Dean Jellybean has seen enough. The best, most experienced fighter in the TUF House has won via TKO.

Dana White rises to his feet, applauding. "That was fantastic! Kimbo Slice looked like a warrior, and I can't wait for him to headline a UFC pay-per-view!"

And the entire cast and crew turn to the camera and simultaneously mouth "What the fuck?"

ION to Counterprogram TUF 10 Kimbo vs. Nelson Episode with "Golden Girls" Marathon

In an effort to counterprogram what is sure to be a monumental ratings draw, the Christian network ION has scheduled a "Golden Girls" marathon opposite tomorrow night's highly-anticipated TUF 10 episode featuring Kimbo Slice versus Roy Nelson on SpikeTV. It's a bold move. As promised by last week's TUF episode, the former backyard brawler and IFL champ are slated to meet in the Octagon - a hefty match-up for a reality show and a pairing that could conceivably have been a headliner in any other promotion. Said an ION spokesperson, "No way should SpikeTV dominate the coveted 'men ages 18-34' demographic. Hopefully, this Golden Girls marathon will put a damper on their market share." The Golden Girls, which starred Estelle Getty, Bea Arthur, Betty White and Rue McClanahan, was a late '80s sitcom featuring old people doing old stuff.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last week was all about the Man-Love Dry Hump, but there will be none of that this week. No siree. Instead, we get a bit more Kimbo, some Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" Nelson, a TUF 9 Team UK leftover and a towering behemoth with no cardio. None. Zero. Zip. Nada. No lungs at all.

Coach Quinton Jackson and his lieutenant Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, he's a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head - weird, huh?) train Kimbo on the art of avoiding getting raped by a dude, instructing him to push on the head and scramble out. If that doesn't work, use pepper spray, blow your rape whistle, and consider getting a good therapist. People are starting to come around about Kimbo, reconsidering their initial opinions of him being a thug and his beard some sort of sinister homage to the Taliban. Brandon Cottonswab even goes so far as to hand the former backyard brawler a valentine with "I Heart Kimbo" scrawled on it.

Meanwhile, Team Rashad trains and everyone loves each other and gives each other back rubs, but being a cut above the other contestants sets Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" apart from the others, and he lets them know this. Also, he eats a production assistant, and the young P.A.'s cries from within Nelson's belly are disconcerting.

"I can't train you," says one of Coach Rashad Evans' lieutenants. "You know too much, you eat people whole, and all day long we have to listen to them cry from inside you while they're being digested. You're like a bipedal Sarlacc Pit monster, and if you don't stop I'm going to get Andrei Arlovski to knock you out again." At that, Nelson promises to play nicer with the other kids.

Jackson is in charge of picking the match-up for this week, and he chooses Rashad's British TUF 9 Team UK wanna-be James "Mike Bisping Foreva" McSweeney to face his pet mutant Johnny Asthma. Johnny Asthma used to play in the NFL, but he was cut when they realized he had no lungs. Seriously. None. Zip. Zero. Nada. Nothing in there at all. McSweeney and Johnny Asthma do the ceremonial pose down and already the eight-feet tall Johnny Asthma is winded.

Everyone trains a little. Medicine balls go flying. Push-ups. Sweat glistening on Kimbo's beard. Nelson licks his chops at a camera man. Brandon Cottonswab twirling nunchucks. Assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale making everyone shoot takedowns on trees. Someone straps a flamethrower on their back and incinerates a heavy bag.

Then it's fight time. Coach Evans trains with McSweeney back in the real world, so he's expecting great things from his mate. The towering Johnny Asthma enters the cage and already he can't breath. They square off, the referee gives them the signal, and they engage. Well, sort of. Johnny Asthma is huge, and dangerous when there's still oxygen being fed into his bloodstream, so he initially manages to bully McSweeney around by using his gigantic limbs and circus-freak show mass. But McSweeney survives, survives a lame keylock attempt, survives a rear naked choke attempt and being mounted, and once Johnny Asthma has no more gas (really, none. Nada. Nothing. Zippity-do-da.), it's all about the Brit throwing a kick here and there and waiting to catch his breath while the Team Rampage fighter dies a slow, oxygen-less death within the cage.

This goes on for far too long. As he's begun to turn purple from his diminished lung capacity, Johnny Asthma looks horrid. As he cannot seem to finish a near-dead opponent and is gassed himself, McSweeney looks awful. And though McSweeney garners the majority decision when the scorecards are read, the only real winners here are the other fighters in the house, for the bar has now been set lower than ever and everyone else couldn't be as bad, right? Right?

The two teams are gathered together again to announce the next fight. Unorthodox? Yes, but only one match-up could warrant such a thing: Kimbo is going to face Roy "Big Country-Fried Steak" Nelson. Fade to black.

Additional TUF 10 Contestants Revealed

SpikeTV has revealed the identities of more competitors for the upcoming tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter", adding fuel to the already smoldering fire of anticipation for a season that will feature the wildly popular Kimbo Slice as a contestant. Joining Slice within the confines of the TUF House will be Big Mac, Afropuff and "The Bouncer" - three heavyweights who fought and lost to Slice in a backyard, a boatyard and on someone's lawn during his days as a street-brawler and Internet sensation. Said SpikeTV programming executive John Francis Dolemite, "Kimbo is one of the most famous, and most skilled, fighters in the world, and what better way to prove that than to pit him against warriors of comparable skill? Prior victories notwithstanding, Kimbo will have a tough time in the Octagon if he steps into the cage with these overweight but menacing men. A real tough time." No word yet if TUF 10 will allow a "Chill Dawg" rule, though the producers have installed a "metal thing" in the TUF House for contestants to watch out for.

Dana White Changes Tune, Declares Kimbo Slice "Best Heavyweight Ever"

In a sudden reversal of position, UFC Chief Schizophrenic Dana White has declared Kimbo Slice "the best heavyweight ever", and has opened up his checkbook to entice the former EliteXC star into participating in the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter". The words of praise are a stark contrast to the opinion White touted when Slice headlined two CBS-broadcasted fight cards, an opinion which included such descriptives as "garbage", "trash", "talentless", "not a real fighter" and "I hate him, he's doo-doo". Now, however, when faced with a stale reality TV show format and stagnant ratings, that tune has changed. "Kimbo Slice is a great man," said White. "And not just a great man, but a humanitarian, a philanthropist, a philatelist and a stud. The UFC is lucky to have him." TUF 10 will also feature Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Rashad Evans as coaches, and is slated to air on SpikeTV after White's medication wears off.

Kimbo Slice in Japan to Check Out Their Bread

Kimbo Slice is in Japan this weekend, reportedly there for color commentary duties with the striking-only organization K-1, but according to industry insiders the former EliteXC superstar is also in the Land of the Rising Sun to check out their selection of bread. Although Slice is well-known for his love of white bread, rye bread and long loaves of French bread, he has often expressed an interest in the baked products of other nations. Said longtime manager "IceyMike" Imber, who accompanied Slice to Japan, "Kimbo's definitely liking it here. They have Melonpan, which is an enriched dough covered in a thin layer of crispy cookie dough, as well as panko, a variety of breadcrumb, and the sweet, red bean paste-filled Anpan. It's all good."

Observations from My Couch: WEC 36

• Someone needs to let Jake Rosholt know that it's okay to duck and dodge and not get punched in the face. Seriously. The WEC does not have a "Got Punched in the Face A Lot" bonus.
• I can still remember when Jens Pulver was one of the most-feared strikers in the sport. I hate to say it, but he's getting old.
• I would be totally cool with never having to see Paulo Filho fight again. That dude simply did not want to be there, and after three rounds of watching him buttflop, not a soul on the planet wanted him to be in there either.
• Mike Brown took a page out of Seth Petruzelli's book and wrecked a big promotion's poster boy and their best laid plans. Urijah Faber should fight Kimbo Slice to earn his rematch.

K-1 Interested in Letting Seth Petruzelli Sink Their Promotion Too

DREAM may be interested in Seth "Promotion Killer" Petruzelli for their New Years Eve event, according to preliminary reports. The Japanese fight organization is famous for circus freak show bouts with the likes of Bob Sapp, Don Frye and Akebono, and is considering hosting a Petruzelli/Kimbo Slice rematch - which would give Petruzelli an opportunity to reveal whatever DREAM secrets he could in post-event interviews. "We like what Mr. Petruzelli did to EliteXC," said DREAM president Sadaharu Tanigawa. "DREAM has been fixing fights for a while now, and what better way to reveal that to the public than to have the Promotion Killer do it for us?" No word yet on whether Slice will be available for this match-up.

Broke Dana White Can't Afford Kimbo Slice, Begs Him to Fight for Free on TUF

UFC grand poobah Dana White revealed that his organization could not afford the services of Kimbo Slice, and at UFC 90's post-event press conference White made an impassioned plea to the EliteXC/CBS star that he fight for free on "The Ultimate Fighter". Slice, who's fought in the number one and number three most-watched MMA bouts in US history, earned $700,000 for his last bout (not counting sponsorship money); a standard TUF competitor earns nothing but can keep whatever he manages to steal from the UFC training center. Based on these figures alone, it's highly unlikely someone with Slice's popularity and drawing power would take the step down TUF represents. White, however, sounded hopeful, and even went so far as to issue his trademark interrogative. "Kimbo, do you want to be a broke-ass fighter?"

Forida State Boxing Commission Exonerates EliteXC, Clearing Way for Company's Sale to CBS

The Florida State Boxing Commission has concluded that no wrongdoing occurred in the Kimbo Slice/Seth Petruzelli bout from EliteXC's ill-fated October 4th card. Allegations of fight-fixing arose after Petruzelli claimed in a post-event radio interview that he was paid extra to keep the fight standing, with the resulting uproar over "Standgate" prompting the FSBC's investigation. "Dis is wicked news," said EliteXC figurehead Jared Shaw. "Now naffink stands in da way hof CBS buyin' us. Booyakasha!"

Kimbo's Manager Speaks

MMA Journalist tracked down longtime Kimbo Slice manager Icey Mike yesterday to get his perspective on the sudden downfall of EliteXC. Here are some quotes.

• "I'm doing good, man. Who is this?"
• "I don't know, man, I just found out about it yesterday (Monday). I thought they had a good show coming up in November, and now this."
• "All this happened yesterday and I don't know what's going on until I meet with [ProElite] and figure out where we're at."
• "Our plan was to fight again in January or February but it doesn't look like that's happening now."
• "We gotta talk with these guys and see where we're at with the contracts and stuff. We've never been in this situation before."
• "When everything is said and done, we'll take offers from everyone."
• "It's going to be hard for anybody to start and organization from the ground up, now. These guys had a lot going for them and they couldn't make it work."
  
• "So this is for the New York Times, right?"
  

EliteXC is Dead

EliteXC, the promotion that brought Kimbo Slice, Gina Carano and a slew of other talented fighters to prime time network television, is dead. An official autopsy report won't be available for some time, but it is strongly suspected that the cause of death centered around financial woes. It's no secret that EliteXC had recently taken to begging and panhandling for loose change, with some speculating that the organization's nights were spent walking the streets to solicit "johns" and turn tricks. If true, this would've been a sad turn of events for the promotion responsible for the first and third most-watched MMA bouts in US history (Slice vs. James Thompson and Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli). EliteXC's unfortunate demise leaves quite a few fighters without a home, but more importantly, it leaves fans with fewer opportunities to watch fights. Without question, this is a loss everyone in the sport will feel. No details have been released yet concerning possible funeral services.

Zach Arnold Says EliteXC Has Sinned, Must Die

Zach Arnold of FightOpinion.com has been around as long as I have, and in that time he's established himself as a journalist full of honesty and integrity. And in light of the recent EliteXC/Kimbo Slice stand-up bonus allegations, Zach really, really thinks EliteXC must die. Or at the very least, EliteXC honcho Jeremy Lappen and the Shaw father/son conglomerate need to be crucified, burned at the stake, dismembered and burned again. I admire Zach's fervor. Every sport needs a watchdog willing to decry every bad move and instance of possible unethical behavior. But one thing I learned in law school (yes, I went to law school), and especially in the New York City Police Academy (yes, I went there too), was that there's a difference between when something is wrong and when something is illegal. And in this instance, the Florida State Boxing Commission itself has already guffawed at the idea that EliteXC broke the law. Did EliteXC throw a stack of cash at Seth Petruzelli to encourage him not to go for a takedown against Kimbo Slice? Is the UFC guilty of the same thing when they show up in Phil Baroni's and Matt Lindland's locker rooms before their UFC 34 bout, promising them that they're gone from the promotion if they don't make their fight exciting? You know, it doesn't really matter. Because what happens in the cage is never what anyone plans. Not the promoters, not the fighters, not the fans. And that's what makes this sport so great.

Scandal Alert: Petruzelli Paid to Actually Fight Kimbo Slice

EliteXC's "Heat" event, which featured Kimbo Slice taking on last-minute replacement Seth Petruzelli and losing in stunning fashion on CBS network television, is drawing some major heat from the media thanks to the shocking revelation that Petruzelli was actually paid to fight. In an interview conducted the day after the show, Petruzelli told reporters EliteXC offered to compensate him if he agreed to face their star attraction. He has since retracted his statements. "This is an outrage if it's true," said Kirk Thomas, spokesman for the Volunteer Fighters of America. "If a promoter actually paid money to a fighter to perform... That's just unethical. Something must be done."

The Reason Kimbo Took That Fight? Bread, Of Course

Hindsight may be 20/20, but no amount of retrospective analysis can answer everything. On Saturday night, when Ken Shamrock let officials know he was unable to compete, EliteXC superstar Kimbo Slice was offered Seth Petruzelli as a last-minute replacement opponent. Why did Kimbo take that fight against Petruzelli? MMA Journalist, in an exclusive interview with an EliteXC executive who asked to remain anonymous, has learned that, for his participation in the cobbled-together main event that he ultimately lost, the YouTube legend was promised a lot of bread. Specifically, he was promised his very own bakery. Apparently, the prospect of a lifetime supply of bagels and dinner rolls, as well as loaves of rye, wheat, white, challah and cinnamon swirl bread, was enough to sway him. Did Kimbo make the right choice? Only he can answer that, but when MMA Journalist attempted to contact him for comment, the man who lost on network television was too busy rolling in dough to respond.

There May or May Not Have Been a Strikeforce Show This Past Weekend - I'm Not Sure

There may or may not have been a Strikeforce show this weekend. Possibly in Denver, Colorado. Maybe someone named Duane "Bang" Ludwig fought, maybe Frank Trigg. I don't know. Kimbo Slice wasn't on the card, so this event - if it happened - got zero love from the MMA media. If anyone knows for sure, please let MMA Journalist know.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 8

• Jakes Shields taps out Paul Daley. The entire venue lets out a collective "meh".
• The Kimbo Slice hype is reaching a fever pitch. People be swooning at his entrance.
• Seth Petruzelli wrecks Kimbo in 14 seconds. Things have just gotten ugly, with the crowd crying out that this is a travesty. Or something. This is the first time press row has ever been showered with trash.
• And... I'm spent.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 5

• At 8:50 they officially announced that Ken Shamrock is out. His replacement? Seth Petruzelli. The crowd is less than thrilled.
• The venue is almost packed.
• Hulk Hogan has arrived with blonds in tow. Tito Ortiz gets his picture taken with Mr. Hogan. However, Hulkamania does not run wild.
• The big screens are playing Kimbo vs. Tank Abbott. Based on fan reaction here, the outcome is a shock.
• The EliteXC dancing slizzuts are very slizzutish. Their moms must be so proud.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 4

• It's 8:15. Edson Berto and Conor Heun had a great fight, with Berto gaining the distinction of being the first fighter of the night to stain the cage canvas with his blood.
• Berto's corner is concerned that when he goes backstage, Cristiane Cyborg will catch the scent and go into a feeding frenzy.
• Affliction honcho Tom Atencio is here. Oddly enough, he's not wearing any Affliction apparel.
• Just kidding. Of course he is.
• The Kimbo/Shamrock mystery continues. The prelim bout between Seth Petruzelli and Aaron Rosa was skipped, and the prevailing rumors are that both were offered up to Kimbo. Where's that janitor?

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 3

• No one knows what the heck is going on with Kimbo and Shamrock. At this point, they could announce that Kimbo is fighting the janitor (no, not Vladimir Matyushenko - an actual janitor). Who knows.
• Three prelims are now in the books. The crowd in the arena is getting bigger and bigger. That potato salad is delicious.
• Sports Illustrated ace reporter Josh Gross has arrived. I believe the SI helicopter dropped him off at the helipad on the roof.
• At 7:45 there is a lull in the bouts. Tito Ortiz is up and taking pics with fans again. Members of press row may or may not be surfing Internet porn on their laptops.