CBS To Promote November 7th Strikeforce Show With Telepathy, Astral Projection

In lieu of commercials, print ads and other commonly used methods of marketing, CBS has to decided to promote their November 7th Strikeforce event via telepathic means, according to an astrally projected press release circulated today. The event, which will feature heavyweight top dog Fedor Emelianenko versus Brett Rogers on live television, has thus far had zero promotional support from the Tiffany Network - much to the chagrin of MMA fans and observers alike. But today's astrally projected release seems to go a long way towards allaying any fears that CBS isn't completely behind the event or that they're setting Strikeforce up to fail. "We at CBS are firmly committed to giving this momentous fight show the push it deserves," said a network spokesperson who appeared in the dreams of dozens of sports writers. "In the coming weeks, a legion of telepaths will be broadcasting their positive Fedor Emelianenko thoughts to the world, and come November 7th, just about anyone with a TV set will have the uncontrollable urge to tune in." Though it's unclear how effective this method of advertising is, it's comforting to know CBS is at least doing something.

Fedor To Appear At Manhattan TSMMA School Today

Yeah, so MMA Journalist missed the Fedor press conference yesterday at the Fighthouse where it was announced the Russian deity would be facing Brett Rogers at some upcoming Strikeforce show. However, Fedor is still in town, and will apparently be making an appearance at the Manhattan Tiger Schulmann's Mixed Martial Arts school tonight at 6:15. The school is at 39 West 19th Street, and as this won't create any conflicts with my day job, I will definitely be there to snap some pics this time. Woot!

Notes From Strikeforce/Fedor/M-1 Global Conference Call

• The UFC lied about what they offered to Fedor.
• Fedor is willing to fight anyone for his first fight in Strikeforce.
• Brett Rogers is a more worthy opponent for Fedor than Brock Lesnar, as Lesnar is only 4-1 in MMA.
• The whole Gegard Mousasi/UFC offer thing was fabricated BS by the UFC.
• Brock sucks.
• Vadim Finkelstein either owns a dog, or was driving during the call and ran a dog over.
• Strikeforce will aim to do pay-per-views six to nine months down the road.
• Fedor is kept fully abreast of the decisions being made on his behalf. He even receives financial reports.
• Someone please feed that dog.
• The UFC's offer to Fedor was miserable. If it really was for $30 million, he would've signed the contract for sure.
• No immediate plans for a tournament, but Scott Coker likes the format.
• Is that a car alarm?
• Vadim, please roll up your window.
• Dog again. Is he someone's attorney?
• Closing statements, and everyone agrees this conference call was "different". Different? This was a Monty Python sketch. And I can't wait for another!

Fedor Signs With Strikeforce; Dana White Has Scott Coker's Lawn Defaced

According to a press release issued by Strikeforce, the organization has now signed the elusive Fedor Emelianenko to a multi-fight contract, with the Russian's first fight to air on Showtime in the fall. No word yet on specifics, such as date, location or opponent, but upon hearing this news UFC Chief Grudge Bearer Dana White reportedly ordered minions to deface Scott Coker's lawn in a fit of rage. The Strikeforce promoter's San Jose home was then allegedly assaulted with bags of flaming manure while a Honda Civic spun donuts on Coker's well-maintained turf.

UFC Partially Leaks Terms Offered To Fedor, Neglects To Mention Fine Print

Yesterday's Fedor Emelianenko press conference failed to deliver any great revelations other than that he will be starring in a Russian version of the video game "Pong", but the media-manipulating machine that is the UFC was quick to leak to Carmichael Dave of "The UFC Shill" radio show the "very generous offer" they'd presented to the free-spirited heavyweight. Those terms included a six-fight deal/$30 million contract, an immediate title shot, a share of the pay-per-view sales, the right to wear as many "M-1 Global" logos as he wants, and permission for Fedor to compete in his beloved art of combat sambo. What the UFC did not leak, however, was the fine print contained within the contract - clauses which no doubt factored into Fedor and his management team's reluctance to sign on the dotted line. Thankfully, MMA Journalist has obtained a copy of that contract through anonymous sources, so here is the crux of the "fine print":

• If Fedor loses at any time during his six-fight contract, he can be released from the UFC's roster at the sole discretion of the UFC.
• Fedor must sign over all rights to his likeness to the UFC, who will hold those rights forever.
• Fedor must sign over all rights to his children and grandchildren to the UFC, who will hold these right forever or until they sell them off.
• If Fedor defeats UFC champ Brock Lesnar and the Russian has only one more fight on his contract, Fedor must lose to Lesnar in that last fight.
• Fedor must live in the TUF house. With no translator. Also, he can't compete while living there, but must instead clean the house and perform menial chores.
• Win or lose, at the end of every bout Fedor must declare to Joe Rogan, "Russia sucks - Dana White the best."
• Fedor must never, ever even think about making money for anyone other than the UFC.

Fedor To Hold Press Conference Today To Discuss How Awesome Affliction Is

The number-one ranked heavyweight fighter in the world, Fedor Emelianenko, will be holding a press conference today in Anaheim, California in the DoubleTree Hotel. The reasons behind the press conference remain cloudy, but there are a few likely possibilities, which include...

• He wants to talk about how awesome Affliction is. He totally loves them and considers them the most viable alternative to the UFC.
• He wants to discuss the many ways he will defeat Josh Barnett. Barnett is tough but he's just a man. Besides, it's not like the Baby-Faced Assassin uses steroids or anything.
• He plans on addressing his grievances against the UFC, and outlining how he and the organization can come to terms.
• He is going to confess that he's not Russian at all. As the vast majority of his body parts were made in a cybernetic-construct factory from a scorched and war-torn future that knows no national boundaries, he's really just a Terminator.
• He's going to retire.

Josh Barnett Tests Positive For Anime; Bout with Fedor Off

In what can only be described as a crushing blow to the upcoming Affliction: "Trilogy" card, heavyweight Josh Barnett has tested positive for anime in a California State Athletic Commission pre-fight screening. As a consequence, his August 1st bout against Fedor Emelianenko is off, leaving Affliction promoter and head seamstress Tom Atencio scrambling for a replacement to face the Russian. According to published reports, the specific anime Barnett tested positive for include "Fist of the North Star", "Cowboy Bebop" and "Vampire Hunter D". The former UFC champ also allegedly tested positive for "Akira", but California does not ban "classic anime" for its fighters. No word yet on who might step in to help salvage the suddenly-stricken event on such short notice.

Fedor Defeats Aoki in Grappling Match, Declared #1 Lightweight by WAMMA

Heavyweight superstar Fedor Emelianenko defeated top-ranked lightweight Shinya Aoki in a grappling exhibition match at DEEP/M-1 Challenge in Japan today, besting the crafty and popular Japanese submission specialist with an anklelock. After his victory, the Russian sambo champ - who's defeated the likes of Andrei Arlovski, Tim Sylvia and various bears and Yetii in unarmed combat - was awarded the World Alliance of Mixed Martial Arts (WAMMA) lightweight championship belt. "We feel that Fedor's accomplishments as lightweight merit it," said WAMMA executive Joe Bloggerstein. "He's the WAMMA heavyweight champ and now he's also the WAMMA lightweight champ, making him the man to beat in both divisions." Through the aid of a translator, the crestfallen Aoki added: "What's a 'WAMMA'?"

Scenes from an Affliction Press Conference

Affliction press conference at the Trump Tower in Manhattan. Tito Ortiz was there, as were Fedor and Donald Trump. The free food selection was lacking.

Fedor Coming to Town Spreading Tidings of Good Cheer

Russian heavyweight extraordinaire Fedor Emelianenko is coming to New York City on January 19th and 20th for some meet-and-greets and a press conference. On Monday the 19th, the Pride champ will being conducting some sort of mini-seminar (I don't know, maybe sambo? It could very well be ping pong) at a gym in Queens, then he'll dash on down to Brighton Beach in Brooklyn to shake hands with fans at the St. Petersburg Book Store. Tuesday the 20th will see Fedor at Trump Tower in Midtown Manhattan for an Affliction press conference. Expect MMA Journalist to be on hand with a camera and snarky comments.

Tom Atencio: "Rumors of Poor Ticket Sales Are Untrue. In Fact, I've Bought Thousands of Them."

Affliction Head Seamstress Tom Atencio, confronting rumors about lackluster ticket sales for the January 24th Affliction: "Day of Reckoning" show, issued a statement yesterday in an effort to stave off naysayers heralding the promotion's doom. "Rumors of poor ticket sales are untrue," said Atencio to a variety of fashion and MMA-related Internet forums. "In fact, I've bought thousands of them." Atencio went on to describe the boxes and boxes of tickets littered about his condo, and how he's almost maxed out money man Donald Trump's credit card with these and other purchases. Day of Reckoning will take place at the Honda Center in Anaheim, California, and will air live on pay-per-view. A bout between Fedor Emelianenko and Andrei Arlovski headlines.

Fedor Realizes He Can't Speak English, Cancels US Press Tour

Fedor Emelianenko, widely hailed as the best heavyweight fighter in the world, has cancelled his US press tour according to a written statement from his management team. The cancellation comes after the Russian sambo specialist's sudden realization that he cannot speak English, a realization that struck when Fedor was presented with his itinerary (which was to include interviews on "The Today Show" and "Nightline" as well as guest lectures at Columbia University, Yale and Harvard). "This man who follows me around and repeats what I say, but in other languages, I think he's a translator," said Fedor through a translator. "Really, I just thought people couldn't understand me because I mumble. But no, it's because I don't speak anything but Russian." Fedor is set to face former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski at Affliction's sophomore outing on January 24th.

Mark Cuban Charged with Insider Trading - Who Will Put Together Fedor vs. Couture Now?

MMA Journalist has just learned that Dallas Mavericks owner and HDNet Fights founder Mark Cuban has been charged with insider trading by the Securities Exchange Commission. The allegations stem from his sale of Xyience stock, a sale which immediately preceded the supplement company's crash and burn. Cuban is best known to MMA fans as the man who promised to put together the dream bout between Fedor Emelianenko and Randy Couture - a match-up that is now in jeopardy thanks to these legal developments. If convicted, Cuban could face two years in the TUF house, drinking urine and splooging on sushi.

Affliction Teams Up With Golden Krust

Hot on the heels of the postponement of their October "Day of Reckoning" show, Affliction has announced a partnership between themselves and Caribbean bakery giant Golden Krust. In a press conference on Saturday, head seamstress Tom Atencio described the alliance as "ground breaking" and promised that it would "change the mixed martial arts industry forever". No word yet on what this means for the promotion in terms of breaking into the Las Vegas market or selling tickets to shows not headlined by Fedor Emelianenko, but Golden Krust is the world's leading producer of Jamaican beef patties, and its flavorful jerk marinade is heralded as the best jerk around.

Point/Counterpoint: Fedor is God/Fedor is not God

Point: Fedor is God - Holy moley! Can you believe how fast Fedor Emelianenko wrecked former UFC champ Tim Sylvia at Saturday night's Affliction: "Banned" event? Thirty-six seconds and the giant from Maine was bloody and tapping. The Russian sambo player and Pride champ was large and in charge from beginning to end. Wow! If they ever meet in the ring, I'm not sure Randy Couture could defeat him. Clearly, Fedor is God. Counterpoint: Fedor is not God - Whatevs, bro. Fedor ain't no God. At most he's a minor diety. Like Ares or Thor or something.

Predictions for Affliction, UFC Fight Night 14 and DREAM

An MMA "superweekend" is upon us, as Affliction: "Banned" debuts on pay-per-view on Saturday night, UFC Fight Night 14 airs concurrently on SpikeTV, and DREAM's lightweight grand prix in Japan will conclude early Monday (for those of us checking out the play-by-play on Sherdog.com). MMA Journalist is breaking out its crystal ball to forecast what will happen at this veritable buffet of combat. - At Affliction, headliners Fedor Emelianenko and Tim Sylvia will clash in epic fashion. No one outside of MMA's hardcore fanbase will know the results, nor will they care. - At UFC Fight Night 14, middleweight champ Anderson Silva will have his hands full with light-heavyweight opponent James Irvin. Specifically, his hands will be full of the back of Irvin's neck as the Brazilian delivers a storm of bout-ending knees to Irvin's grill. - At UFC Fight Night 14, Frankie Edgar will go for a takedown at some point. Also, he will get it. - At Affliction, Mike Pyle, Antonio Rogerio Nogueira, Mike Whitehead and Matt Lindland will be paid in T-shirts adorned with designs of skulls, flames and other masculine things. - At UFC Fight Night 14, IFL expats Reese Andy, Rory Markham and Brad Blackburn will receive their paychecks, deposit them into their bank accounts, and be pleasantly surprised the checks don't bounce. You know, because that's what they're used to. - At DREAM, Eddie Alvarez will defeat his first Japanese opponent, but before he can compete in the final bout the promoters will make him complete the nigh-impossible "Ninja Warrior" obstacle course. He will do it.

Affliction Show to Register 6.5 Bodogs on the Fail-O-Meter

Bust out the Fail-O-Meter. Affliction: "Banned" will air on pay-per-view this Saturday opposite SpikeTV's UFC Fight Night 14, which means that: a) fight fans will have a chance to pay to see Fedor Emelianenko fight Tim Sylvia; b) fight fans will have a chance to see Anderson Silva destroy James Irvin on free TV; and, c) Affliction will make enough money to cover the cost of maybe 90 seconds of the Fedor/Sylvia bout, but everything after those 90 seconds and everything on the rest of the card is going to have to be written off as a financial loss. Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against Affliction, I'm thrilled they've put together a card of top fighters, and I wish them success. But reality has a way of slapping wanna-be UFCs (with a little money to burn and no viable revenue stream) in the face, and Affliction is going to get slapped pretty damn hard. Prediction: in terms of projected losses, someone will take a big hit on Saturday - and it ain't the UFC.