Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 7

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Like a Steven Soderbergh film, this episode is layered with scenes and montages of only tangential relevance to the TUF premise of aspiring fighters locked away in a house and competing for a UFC contract. In other words: WTF?

In the training center, the Brit team works out using various methods of "man holding man" machismo. Somewhere in Manhattan's Chelsea neighborhood, a gay bar's patrons hoot and holler as they watch on a big-screen TV. Then Michael Bisping introduces a giant tire and sledgehammer, and Team UK proceeds to smash the floor, themselves and their guitars and drums because that's what The Who did back in the day.

Cut to Team America: World Police, and a brooding Jason Pierce. He hates his teammates, he hates MMA, he hates living in the TUF house and he hates Smurfy.

Meanwhile, Carrot Top has cooties. "Don't touch me," says Pierce. "I hate cooties."

Back to Team UK and David Faulkner, whom everyone loves and wishes he were their dad or something. Due to their accents I gather that Faulkner can wrestle well and has good stand-up, but one of the Brits either says Faulkner is a "pitbull" or a "pickle". God, who knows.

We then return to Team America: World Police and the ongoing saga of Pierce, now revealed to have an injured foot. "I hate feet," Pierce declares. "Just be positive," suggests the Queen of England (aka Dan). Big Tall French Guy chimes in with a "Oui" - which means "yes" in kickboxing. "I hate you all," says Pierce, and he hobbles away. "I don't know what's going on in Jason's head sometimes," says the Queen of England, and then he lies down in a corner of the gym and becomes very, very still. Eventually a cactus sprouts up and grows around him.

Cut to the next fight selection, where Carrot Top is paired up against Nottingham Forest's favorite son, Ross the Incoherent. Will Carrot Top's cooties clear up in time?

Then it's time for tennis! What a second, tennis? WTF? Anyway, Dana White gathers both teams at a tennis court, and after he and Bisping embrace - and stare long and hard into each other's eyes, their mouth's just inches apart and their lips quivering like a fat kid quivers when faced with a real-life version of Mayor McCheese - Dana announces that Bisping and the Queen of England will play tennis for money. Hilarity does not ensue. The Queen of England wins handily, but the real winners are the fans of tennis, who will never have to be subjected to watching this unless they somehow click on SpikeTV while changing channels on an afternoon they're not out horseback riding or playing polo.

Fast-forward to a birthday celebration at the TUF house. It's Carrot Top's birthday!

Switch to outside, where Big Tall French Guy and Frank Loser are listening to Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All weep over love lost. "I really miss 'Sex in the City'," Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All says amidst sobs. "Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha... I miss them all."

And then it's fight time. Ross the Incoherent keeps picking up Carrot Top and dumping him on the mat, and though he delivers an illegal knee to the grill while Carrot Top is on the ground, the point deduction means nothing; he eventually gets Carrot Top in position for a submission and snags an armbar. The end.

Extreme Challenge and WCA Team Up to Create Mega-Grand-Superduper-Two-Day MMA Marathon

Monte Cox's Extreme Challenge and the World Cagefighting Alliance are teaming up to create "Caged Combat" - a mega-grand-superduper-doubleheader MMA marathon on June 5th and June 6th at the Trump Marina in Atlantic City. Headlining Friday night's card will be Tara LaRosa versus someone - anyone - female, as well as Tom Gallicchio against some kid from Detroit, Lester Caslow, Kevin Roddy, Tim Troxell and a bunch of other local guys. Headlining Saturday night's card will be Doug Gordon against WEC refugee Justin Haskins, plus rising star Steve DeAngelis against hard-hitter Jeff Lentz, Greg Soto, Plinio Cruz and Tuan "The Career Derailer" Pham. Two consecutive days of MMA is an awful lot, so MMA Journalist may set up a small tent and camp out in the marsh beside the venue. Maybe even fire up a barbecue and grill some steaks. How do you like yours? Medium rare?

Upcoming Bellator FC Installment to Feature New York Fugitive Jay White

This week's upcoming installment of Bellator FC will of course provide us with the eagerly-anticipated welterweight semifinal match-ups of Lyman Good vs. Dead Man Walking and Dave Menne vs. Dude Destined to Die, but also on the card is heavyweight Jay White against Eddie Sanchez. Who is Jay White? Originally hailing from Troy, New York, White was a Team Renzo grappler on the fast track to MMA success back in 2003. But he made the mistake of jumping into the deep end of the pool before he'd mastered the art of swimming (which in non-metaphor speak means he took fights against killer opponents when he should've taken it slower; he lost to Jeff Monson twice, then fell to Mark Burch and Jake O'Brien - tough heavyweights all). With those losses, White played fugitive and absconded to training camps like Team Quest and Xtreme Couture to change things up, and Northeast fans hoping for a 265-pound jiu-jitsu rep to root for were left high and dry. Well, now White is back and hopefully has those chinks in his armor all patched up. And while his 4-5-1 record may not be all that awe-inspiring, a more talented prospect in his weight class you will not find. Keep an eye out for him if his bout is aired.

"The Key to Lyoto Machida's Success Lies in His Katas"

When top 205-pound contender Lyoto Machida steps into the Octagon to face champ Rashad Evans at UFC 98 on May 23rd, the Japanese-Brazilian Shotokan karate practitioner will almost certainly have his hands full with the champ's powerful wrestling and always-dangerous striking skills. But according to homeless karate master Sho'nuff, who was formerly the Shogun of Harlem but is now an itinerant ronin who collects empty soda cans, victory is entirely within Machida's grasp. "The key to Lyoto Machida's success lies in his katas," says Sho'nuff. "If he practices his technique to the point where he reaches the 'Final Level', well, that mofo will have 'The Glow'. Know wa mean?" But what of Evans' devastating KO power and athleticism? According to Sho'nuff, if Machida is bathed in the mythical Glow, nothing the TUF 2 winner brings into the cage will matter. "Who's the meanest? Who's the prettiest? Who's the baddest mofo, lowdown, around this town? If he's got the Glow, it will be that Brazilian cat. Trust me on this one, homeboy." Added the bedraggled-looking former competitor: "Say, brother, can you loan me a dollar?"

Weekend Schedule

The latest installment of Bellator FC is tonight in Robstown, Texas, and the only real bout of interest will be EliteXC champ Wilson Reis' semifinal match-up against Joe Soto. Whoever wins that one will move on to face the winner of Estevan Payan vs. Yahir Reyes in the featherweight finals. The event will air on ESPN Deportes on Saturday night.

Tonight is another edition of Friday Night Fights in New York City, a fully-sanctioned promotion featuring Muay Thai and boxing bouts. Last I heard, Joe Sampieri - who's taught Muay Thai at Renzo's academy and has fought MMA a few times with mixed results - is on the card.

There's also another Asylum Fight League this weekend. This one is way down in Southern New Jersey at some place called "Shady Katie's". I think Shady Katie's is a strip club. Or a meth lab. Or both. I dunno. Check it out and report back to me.

What's Up in New York?

What's going to happen to the Underground Combat League when MMA is sanctioned in New York? Check out this article written by some dude who likes to front like he's some sort of authority or something - http://www.mmamemories.com/2009/05/07/new-yorkers-get-ready.html .

Dana White and John Hackleman Exchange Barbs Over Hairstyles

UFC High Exhalted One Dana White and longtime Chuck Liddell-trainer John Hackleman, two of the industry's more recognizable bald men, exchanged barbs over hairstyles yesterday. At the heart of the matter is White's insistence that Liddell shave off his Mohawk after the former 205-pound champ's recent KO loss to Mauricio "Shogun" Rua. According to White, Liddell - once one of the most feared Mohawk-sporting fighters in MMA - is past his competitive hirsute prime, and at the UFC 97 post-fight press conference White stated, "This is the last team you will see Chuck's legendary hairstyle in the Octagon."

"Dana doesn't know what he's talking about," said Hackleman, who in his youth enjoyed a healthy and expansive afro but has for the last 15 years been hairless atop his head. "Chuck's Mohawk is still very capable and very dangerous, and besides, it's up to Chuck to decide what he'll do with his hair. Dana's just jealous his own hairline receded so badly back in 2003."

"I guess John's still saving up for hair plugs," said White in response. "But I know what's best for Chuck. He needs to shave it off."

More Bouts Lacking Eddie Alvarez Announced For UFC 101 in Philadelphia

The UFC has announced more bouts lacking superstar Eddie Alvarez for their UFC 101 Philadelphia grand affair slated for August 8th. In addition to the previously mentioned pairing of non-Philly natives BJ Penn and Kenny Florian, out-of-stater Forrest Griffin will be taking on middleweight champ and foreigner Anderson Silva in a light-heavyweight bout, and Virginia-based Amir Sadollah will face someone not named Eddie Alvarez. In a nod to Northeast MMA fans, Ricardo Almeida, Kurt Pellegrino, John Howard and Tamdan McCrory are also on the card. Meanwhile, it's questionable whether or not the most successful mixed martial artist Philadelphia has ever produced (Eddie Alvarez) will even be in the Wachovia Center that night. Said a spokesman for the UFC, "Please. Leave me alone."

Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 6

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Last night's episode is all about the dichotomy of disparate warriors riding into combat, each armed with varied skills and attitudes and each capable of winning or losing in their very own ways. Also, there's teeth.

The British Mr. T - still sulking from his defeat at the hands of the Marquis de Johnson - is taken aside by coach Michael Bisping, and Bisping apologizes for missing his fight. He weaves together some sort of excuse with threads containing the words "jetlag", "inexcusable" and "fell asleep in Dana White's hot tub amidst empty bottles of Boone's Farm and half-eaten Ring Dings, drunk on passion and love". But we know the truth. *Wink wink, nudge nudge.*

Cue Elvis Presley song remix. Okay, cut.

Then the next fight is announced. Is it me or is everything moving at breakneck speed? Anyway, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All prances around in a tutu and waves a wand fashioned out of toothbrushes, yet for all his carefree attitude and frolicky-ness, he confesses to be really, really scared of fighting. Sensing this like an underfed Rottweiller or PMS-suffering bobcat senses fear, Bisping announces that Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All will be facing Sir Edmund Stapler, the inventor of the common office stapler. The Team America: World Police rep gulps, starts sweating profusely, and can be heard uttering "Mommy..." under his breath.

Back at the TUF house, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All builds a fort in the living room out of sheets, blankets and pillows and forbids entry to anyone with a British accent. Gone is showtune-singing lad from Not Gay, California. Instead, we see a man very much like Shaggy and Scooby-Doo after a swamp monster has taken a seat behind them in the movie theater and hissed the words "Down in front." At the gym, the Queen of England (or Dan - anyone know why?) says his ward can win if he sticks to his game plan of talking real slow and appearing to have no concerns whatsoever over anything - not fighting, not anything. "But my stand-up is terrible," says Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All, and he demonstrates his terribleness by throwing pixie dust at some focus mitts and missing. "I'm going to die," he says. Meanwhile, the Queen of England lies down in a corner of the gym and doesn't move, and eventually wild animals like jackrabbits and lizards make nests on his still form.

But Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All doesn't die when he gets into the cage with Sir Edmund Stapler. No, he throws the Brit down and chokes him out with ease. And then the next fight is announced (whoa, slow down SpikeTV. Do you have somewhere else you want to be? What happened to us savoring these episodes?), with Team America: World Police fighter Frank Loser taking on Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There.

Frank Loser is the exact opposite of Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All in that he dresses more masculine and stomps around declaring his need for violence and his eagerness to punch people in the face. A teammate with a grudge against teeth offers Frank Loser a $100 bounty on any dislodged toofs he brings back to the house. Keeping in line with the way the show has been going lately, the backstory we get on these guys encompasses pretty much just what they had for breakfast (Frank Loser has a bagel; Some Brit Who Lives in California Because Weed is Legal There has a bowl of Wheatabix). Then they're fighting.

For all his tough talk and aggression, Frank Loser comes out swinging and is quickly the absorber of a beating. Round 1 ends with the American sporting a Grand Canyon-like gap in his grill and teeth stuck in his mouthpiece, and soon into Round 2 the Brit is tapping him out with an armbar. Back in the locker room, Frank Loser remembers the $100 bounty and spits out more teeth, thereby coming away from the defeat richer by 500 bucks. Good for him.

Anderson Silva and Roy Jones Jr. Agree to Tantalize and Torment Fans Interested in Match-Up

UFC middleweight demigod Anderson Silva and boxing legend Roy Jones Jr. have agreed to relentlessly tantalize and torment fans interested in a match-up between the two, according to a report issued today by the Internet. Silva and Jones have proposed to dangle the idea of their meeting in the Octagon before fight-hungry fans indefinitely, and have even gone so far as to agree to facing each other under MMA rules - despite assurances from UFC Chief Scrooge Dana White that the bout would never happen. "I'd rather let another organization have Roy Jones Jr.," said White. "The UFC isn't about making money or pleasing fans. We'll leave that to someone else." Meanwhile, Strikeforce honcho Scott Coker released a statement, emphatically crying out "Oooh! Me! Me! Me!"