The MMA Journalist

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 10

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Will Matt Minestrone, a man most consider an Italian tomato-based soup with a hodgepodge of vegetables, fight? Will Kimbo Slice, a man most consider the greatest fighter to ever rub up hard against Nielsen ratings and advertisers, return to action? Do we have to watch another painful talentless-heavyweight bout? Can't we just give the coveted six-figure "Ultimate Fighter" contract to Roy Nelson and call it a day? Most of these questions and more will remain unanswered in this week's installment of "Dancing with the Overweight Stars"!

Fade in to the TUF training center, and coach Evans is feeling the love. His team very nearly swept the opening round of the competition, and now everyone hugs and kisses freely and gives each other backrubs like they did in ancient Sparta when no girls were around. "I'm feeling the lurv," says coach Evans aloud.

But just then Matt Minestrone enters, limping, clutching his skull, staring off into space with unfocused eyes and trailing a strand of spittle from the corner of his bottom lip. You see, Matt Minestrone had a tough fight against Scott Garbage and emerged with a little wear and tear, so he spent the night in the hospital. Is he actually hurt? Maybe. Or maybe he's just faking. Or maybe he's just developmentally disabled and only now are people noticing it. When coach Evans asks him if he's okay, Matt Minestrone unloads with his own personal diagnosis.

"Uh, I have brain swelling."

"Brain swelling?" coach Evans exclaims.

"I mean brain cancer," Matt Minestrone says.

"Brain cancer?" says coach Evans. "You won't be able to fight…"

"I mean I have a detached brain stem," Matt Minestrone interrupts.

"What?" and coach Evans looks at him incredulously, a "What'chu talkin' 'bout, Lewis?" hanging unspoken in the air.

"I mean I have epilepsy," says Matt Minestrone. "And malaria. And paranoid schizophrenia. And potato famine."

Coach Evans shakes his head. "Man, you are a bufoon."

Cut to Kimbo Slice, who is this season's only shining star and the center of the TUF universe that all SpikeTV producers, production assistants, editors, interns, and craft services people exist in. Coach Jackson and Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head is a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head. Good grief.) are training this bearded celestial body, this black emperor of the coveted males 18-34 demographic, training him with the assumption that if someone needs to fill in for someone else, there is no other viable choice but Kimbo. ("I'll step in and fight again," says Scott Garbage, and he's promptly pepper sprayed.) But oh no! Kimbo may have injured his knee! Dial 911!

Dana White, upon hearing about Kimbo's injury, flies in the best orthopedic surgeons money can buy. In a cybernetics laboratory in Japan, work begins on a new limb for the former backyard brawler. A SpikeTV executive dressed in white cotton robes sacrifices a goat. Entire chapels in Las Vegas are ordered to pray, pray, pray for Kimbo's knee. "I'm hurt," says Kimbo. "But I will fight." And the sounds of a thousand bottles of champagne, uncorked all at once.

Oh yeah, there's a coaches challenge to get over with. Thus far in the show we've seen ping pong, bowling, soccer, tennis, basket weaving and pastry making as challenges. What is it this time around? Why, beach volleyball, of course.

Yawn. The duo of coach Evans and assistant coach Mike Van Arsdale beats coach Jackson and Tiki-Tiki-Head two games to one. Sigh. Wake me when the challenge involves pistols and 20 paces, or those weird-shaped Klingon blades and that cheesy Star Trek music meant to imply high stakes and drama.

"I've got to be honest with you," says Dana White to the camera.

No you don't, Dana. No you don't.

More Kimbo, and this time the TUF housemates are "helping" him rehab his knee with a series of homeopathic remedies mixed in with practical jokes, such as having Kimbo sit in a tub full of ice water, then a tub full of lime-flavored Jell-O, then a tub full of Frosted Flakes (to which Wes Sims adds milk). And through it all, Kimbo laughs like the good sport he is. Oh you guys!

"Do you want to fight?" coach Evans asks Matt Minestrone. If fans are going to have a reason to tune in, they need to know if Kimbo will be stepping in for Matt Minestrone now. Okay, not really. This is the sort of thing that should, and will, be dragged out forever.

"I feel like you're pressuring me into fighting," says Matt Minestrone. "I mean, this show is called the Ultimate Fighter, but if I don't feel like fighting, can we change it to 'Ultimate Ex-NFL Guy' or something?"

"I hate you," says coach Evans.

Cue Dana White and his infamous "F-bomb" lecture, which he gives to the assembled fighters. "Do you want to be a ^@$^@#&#$ $@>?^@$ % ^)#*#@!%$ #%*@ $#&&#@#..." Dana says, the stream of profanities constant and ugly, and when the curse words don't seem like they're going to end, like somehow Dana is stuck in potty-mouth mode, Mike Van Arsdale walks up to him and gives hard slap on the back. "…fighter?" Dana says.

And then there's this week's fight, which pits wrestler Jon Madsen against Brendan Cottonswab. Surprisingly, it's much less painful than the other fights we've seen, with Madsen going for takedowns and ground and pound and Senor Cottonswab scoring a knockout in Round 2. You almost miss the dry humping and the hugging against the cage that we've come to know and love… okay, not really. It's not missed at all.

The end.

Observations From My Couch: WEC 44 "Wow!"

Will Kerr got creamed by Kalorus Shamalamadingdong. Oof.
Shane Roller looked good. So much so that I now know who he is.
Rob McCullough. Married to a pornstar. Still a winner.
Leonard Garcia needs to take a pregnancy test. Just as a precaution.
Jose Aldo is the king of the 145-pound mountain, and I don't see anyone dethroning him for a long time.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

"Everything Is Fine," Says Newly Appointed UFC Minister of Information Reed Harris

Though rumors abound concerning an impending merger between the UFC and the WEC, those rumors have no basis in fact according to former WEC general manager and newly appointed UFC Minister of Information Reed Harris. "Everything is fine," said Harris from what used to be the WEC's business offices in Las Vegas but what is now a storage facility for boxes of UFC t-shirts, hats and other paraphernalia. "The WEC is as strong as ever, and there is no reason to believe the UFC would ever want to fold the smaller promotion into itself. The UFC has plenty of fighters - certainly enough for a hundred pay-per-views a year!" Currently, the WEC airs on the Versus channel, which few get to see; meanwhile, with its current roster in flux due to a spate of injuries, illnesses and bad luck, the UFC has about three viable match-ups left at heavyweight and maybe ten at light-heavyweight.

Predictions for WEC 44: "Now THAT'S a Main Event!"

WEC 44 is tomorrow night on the Versus Channel, and I'll be damned if the main event isn't actually something worth tuning in for. Hard-hitting featherweight champ Mike Brown against Jose "I Am Going To Kill You Really, Really Quickly" Aldo? No lie, I've already got goosebumps. Anyway, predictions!

Shane Roller, Danny Castillo... who cares?
I don't know Kamal Shalorus, but I do know Will Kerr - he's one of New England's best lightweights and he's got sick grappling. Expect him to detach one of Shalorus' limbs.
"Razor" Rob McCullough could win or he could lose to Karen Darabedyan, but at the end of the night McCullough goes home to a pornstar wife. That's pure win right there.
Leonard Garcia over Manny Gamburyan via TKO. And then Garcia is going to regurgitate four old condoms filled with cocaine, because, you know, the whole drug mule thing...
Aldo is either going to end it fast with a blur of strikes or Brown is going to grind him into dust over the course of five rounds. If the latter happens, Aldo's Nova Unao coach Andre Pederneiras will be gathering up his defeated fighter with a DustBuster while they're strapping the belt around Brown's waist.

Monday, November 16, 2009

ROC 27 to Feature Uriah Hall's Third MMA Bout Ever

TSMMA middleweight striking specialist Uriah Hall could be considered "green" by most standards. After all, the man has only had two MMA bouts thus far, and he's slated to have his third at ROC 27 this Friday against Mitch Whitesel (a wrestler with 26 MMA fights to his record). Why, then, is Hall expected to kill Whitesel once the referee says "go"? Because at six-feet tall and sporting an action figure's physique, Hall is what you'd call a "natural born killer", and from his first fight back at ROC 9 until his second and last fight at Bellator FC in June (where Hall defeated by TKO a fighter with a 16-12 record), he's been honing himself into a keen razor's edge. Is he competent on the ground? Supposedly, but because his jumping back-kicks tend to fold opponents in half and his flurries are like the wrath of an angry Babylonian god, his fights really haven't gotten that far. As a very experienced competitor, maybe Whitesel will be the first to get Hall down and keep him there. But probably not. Though green, Hall is that good. Watch out for him.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Observations From My Couch: UFC 105 "Holy Crap Another Bad Decision"

Aaron Riley: takes a lickin', keeps on... takin' a lickin'.
For a while there, I was worried James Wilks was going to be successful in his effort to hug Matt Brown to death.
Tough break for Jared Hamman, who got eye-gouged and knocked out in 41 seconds. He's fortunate the fight didn't go a minute and a half, though, because with his luck he would've torn his ACL and broken a few bones as well.
Denis Kang is so skilled and dangerous and talented. For one round. Then he's got nothing.
Andre Winner didn't just put Roli Delgado to sleep, he tucked him in and read him a bedtime story.
Congrats, Dan Hardy! You're the next man in line to get killed by Georges St. Pierre!
Randy Couture did nothing to earn that decision. Except, of course, be a multi-time champ, Hall of Famer, legend, spokesman for the sport, etc.

Queens Underground Show Postscript

I had to cut out early - I've been dealing with the flu and I needed to get to bed - but what I saw was at times entertaining. Some points: MAM's use of headgear will always be an issue. There's a reason no one, including the amateur leagues in New Jersey, uses headgear, and making MAM fighters wear them doesn't make these "exhibition bouts" any more legal in New York. Also, the officiating needs some work, but as unsanctioned underground shows go the promotion is chock full of potential and is giving a lot of traditional martial artists a taste of MMA, so kudos to them. As they don't want press there, Friday night's event will likely be the last event I cover. I do, however, wish them luck.