The Internet became a battleground today, with a beloved UFC commentator and Tae Kwon Do expert hurling insults at one of MMA Journalist's own. Joe Rogan, taking great umbrage at Mitch the Intern's recent spate of tweets advocating the use of hemp for a variety of household chores (hemp oil for mopping the floor, hemp rope for tying up the dog), appeared on the popular forum www.mixedmartialarts.com and unleashed a hateful tirade at the perpetual NYU undergrad. "Mitch the Intern no longer gets paid by MMA Journalist," Rogan stated in one post. "I got him fired. First time I've ever done this to a so-called MMA journalist, but I've had more than enough of these fucking zeros clogging up the sport with their incompetent bullshit." Added the comedian and noted broadcaster: "You wanted my attention, douchebag? You got it." Rogan later went on to clarify his "douchebag" slur, stating that "I am in no way douchbag-o-phobic. I just meant that Mitch the Intern is a container of douches." Curiously, Mitch the Intern was never on the company payroll, and he intends to keep submitting his TUF write-ups to MMA Journalist gratis.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Observations from My Couch: UFC 123 "Ultimate Don't Call It a Comeback, BJ's Been Here for Years"
- Joe Lauzon is one hell of a one-round fighter. Now if he can just get that intensity up to two rounds…
- Phil Davis is tough, but he needs to face someone legitimately in the light-heavyweight mix and not someone brought in to lose.
- Maiquel Falcao: when you absolutely, positively want to kill an American grappler overnight.
- Edson Barboza: when you absolutely, positively want to kill an American grappler overnight, part 2.
- I don’t know who that Armenian was in there with Dennis Hallman, but that was not Karo Parisyan.
- Twenty-one seconds? Really? BJ, I’m wondering if you even trained for your second fight with Matt Hughes. ‘Cause you wrecked him like you did the first time you two fought.
- Quinton Jackson managed to avoid the stanky leg and win. Good for him.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Predictions for UFC 123: "Ultimate Rehash"
Hey, guess what? There a UFC this weekend on pay-per-view! And thanks to some uninspired matchmaking – like, “six days in an opium den” uninspired – no one cares. I mean, Matt Hughes is facing BJ Penn again? Why? Did someone lose a bet? Do Hughes and Penn anticipate big credit card bills this Christmas and want some extra cheddar to ease the bank account pain? And you just know that Quinton Jackson really does not care about this whole fighting thing anymore, so you count on Jackson vs. Lyoto Machida being an exercise in man-huggery. But alas, it’s a UFC, and with Strikeforce giving us a Challengers event on Friday with about one compelling bout (Justin Wilcox vs. Vitor “Shaolin” Ribeiro), and no local MMA to check out, this bland helping of Octagon fare is all we’ve got. So, predictions.
- George Sotiropoulos likes to wear spandex pants covered in a sticky resin, and some say it gives him an edge in grappling (“Help! I’m stuck to this guy’s legs! Ah, he’s choking me!”). Joe Lauzon looks like he should be helping a mad scientist create a monster from the parts dug up from a cemetery. I predict these two to try the hardest. And that counts for something.
- Aaron Simpson and Mark Munoz are well-credentialed wrestlers. When they meet in the cage, expect a lot of hopscotch.
- Phil Davis is another big-time wrestler, and Tim Boetsch once tossed an opponent headfirst into the floor of the Octagon like the dude owed him money. Sadly, we will never see a move that cool again.
- Gerald Harris is facing Brazilian newcomer Maiquel Falcao. “Falcao” means “just some guy” in Portuguese.
- Hughes vs. Penn vs. everyone wondering why this match-up was made vs. everyone that cares.
- I still have not seen “The A-Team” movie. Is it any good?
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 10
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
Fade in to a SpikeTV producer in a dimly-lit room, leaning over an editor who is in turn leaning over an editing console and a pair of monitors.
"So we tried adding a drunken French kickboxer into the mix," says the producer. "That was good for maybe one and a half episodes. Then we added a convicted rapist. Then we added a 'medic', then some unknown high-ranking wrestler. What's left on the list of ratings boosters?"
The editor reaches for a clipboard on his desk, begins reading aloud from it. "Uh, we still have that actress who will come onto the set claiming to be Georges St. Pierre's secret wife. There's also that kid who will claim to be St. Pierre's illegitimate son. And there's still that kidnapping-and-ransom plot we can throw in, the hostage situation, and, uh, that whole rampaging escaped rhinoceros thing."
"Is that it?" asks the producer. "Nothing less… blatant?"
The editor stares at the clipboard some more. "Ah, yes. There's a boxing trainer. Freddie Roach. We have him down as guest training St. Pierre's team and accidentally killing one of them."
"Hmmm…" says the producer, considering the options. Then he snaps his finger and points at one of the monitors. "Okay, we'll use the boxing trainer, but no deaths. We need to inject some life into this thing yet nothing too over-the-top."
"Done," says the editor with a nod.
And so that's how another character is added to this emotionally-devoid season of "The Ultimate Boring". But first!
A quarterfinal match-up between Dr. Watson and Eye-run Wal-king Some looms. And by "looms", I mean, we see them saying "yeah, we're going to fight," and then boom, they're making their way to the Octagon before five minutes have elapsed in the episode.
"Don't get choked out," coach Josh Kosh B'Gosh advises his British ward. But Eye-run Wal-king Some has other ideas, and when the ref yells "fight!" the Brit promptly lies down on his stomach and lets Dr. Watson take his back. The ensuing rear naked choke is purely academic, the inevitable tap out a sad testament to how no one - not even the fighters themselves - is really giving a crap anymore.
"Damn," says Josh Kosh B'Gosh, apparently believing that a coach's role extends only as far as shouting last-second advice as your fighter steps into the cage.
There's one quarterfinal bout left, the eagerly-anticipated (okay, not really) hate-filled (well, not exactly) grudge (um, nah) match between Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy.
Says Georges St. Mumble: "Dese guys, day real-ee 'ate each other, so nat-chur-lee, day must fight." Whatever.
Cut to the guest appearance of boxing trainer extraordinaire Freddie Roach, who coached Rocky Balboa to a gutsy win in his rematch against Ivan Drago, and who taught Cain how to swing a rock for his bout against Abel. Freddie Roach holds the pads for the alien Jonathan ("Good hand speed, but what the hell is this guy? A muppet?"), holds the pads for Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy ("What does that cue card say? 'Boy, these guys really hate each other'?), and holds the pads for no one, standing there and telling an imaginary boxer that his jab is fast.
There's also some kind of faux-static with Josh Kosh B'Gosh somehow blaming the last quarterfinal match-up on Georges St. All Smiles No Discernible Words, like, the pairing is the fault of the Canadian's machinations. But we know better. This season has produced so much coach vs. coach heat that volcanoes are like, "Whoa, guys, chill out." This is just one more excuse for these two to hate each other passionately and tack on an extra 300,000 consumers for their future pay-per-view fight.
And then Chris Rock on Steroids and Bruce Leroy are fighting, Bruce Leroy in his yellow jumpsuit with his afro swaying to and fro, Chris Rock on Steroids talking about how awesome the "Rush Hour" films were and how he was supposed to star in the "Karate Kid" remake with Jackie Chan but that "Chinese son of a bitch screwed me." For all his flashy kicks and wild techniques, though, Bruce Leroy can't help but fall prey to his opponent's wrestling, and Chris Rock on Steroids picks him up and dumps onto the canvas over and over and over again. Though tired in Round 2, Chris Rock keeps up with the punishment. Bruce Leroy - unable to summon the mythical "Glow" - loses the decision.
"That fight sucked," Josh Kosh B'Gosh says angrily to Georges St. Has No Business Even Pretending He Can Speak English.
"Hey, go easy, man," says Mount Kilauea in Hawaii.
Post-fight and Dana White calls the coaches into his lair to determine the final two match-ups. There's no fanfare, there's no conflict (which is pretty much typical of this season). Both coaches and UFC president agree that Chris Rock on Steroids should face Banh Mi (which leaves Dr. Watson facing Jonathan). They in turn tell the remaining fighters.
Cut to the dimly-lit room. The SpikeTV producer is staring at the monitor. Slowly he begins shaking his head. "You know what?" he says.
"What?" says the editor.
"This sucks. Get the zoo on the phone. We're going to need that rhinoceros."
Fade to black.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A Collection of News Haiku
So much news, so little time. But fear not, as MMA Journalist has condensed current events into easily-digestible Japanese poem form!
- Jay Hieron signs with / Bellator. Wait, what? You mean / Jay Hieron still fights?
- Josh Gross leaves S.I. / for ESPN. Guess what? / Dana White still hates him.
- Machida trained with / Steven Seagal. Won’t help, though. / Rampage has A-Team.
- Roy Nelson’s career / is on hold. Something about / new McRib, I bet.
- Strikeforce cut Roxy. / That’s fine, though. There will always / be a Moosin show.
- Dana, I’m still a / bit fuzzy re: you and Gross. / Dana White: “I hate him!”
Monday, November 15, 2010
Observations from My Couch: UFC 122 "Ultimate Scrubs"
- Do you think the folks at SpikeTV even realize they’re getting the scrubs and B-team fighters for their shows? Do you think they even care?
- Anytime an old schooler like Duane “Bang” Ludwig gets a win is “feel good” time. Man, did he wreck Shad Smith in King of the Cage or what?
- Seth Petruzelli: getting smashed by Eastern European wrestlers so you don’t have to.
- The Krzystof Soszynski vs. Goran Reljic would have been more interesting if Skrjweatyut Ekatriwqoesm,xzy was the referee.
- I was almost impressed when Kris McCray started out-grappling Carlos Rocha. But then he got subbed.
- How many softballs is Amir Sadollah going to get tossed before he starts looking impressive? My guess is about twenty.
- Dennis Siver smoked Andre Winner, Winner wasn’t the winner, blah, blah, blah. There’s nothing witty to say about that fight without sounding like a hack.
- I don’t know what sucks more: Nate Marquardt’s uneven performances in the Octagon or the fact that Yushin Okami is going to try to dry hump the winner of Anderson Silva vs. Vitor Belfort and make little Japanese/Brazilian babies.
