Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 2

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Dana White greets us in his sacred homeland of Las "F-Bomb" Vegas, where he's assembled what will soon be an army of assorted goons and ruffians to confront the invading Brits. And by "assorted" I mean "motley", and by "goons" I mean "tough guys", and by "ruffians" I mean "men that would steal your lunch money and leave you stuffed inside a locker". And by "confront", I mean "live in a house under 24-hour surveillance, while over the loudspeakers Dana's voice is played on a continuous loop of curse words and techno music", and by "Brits" I mean "people that speak in foreign languages and require subtitles for us to understand them". Anyway, Dana says hi. And drops F-bombs. And introduces the Queen of England (also known mysteriously as "Dan" - I guess Rich Franklin is dead?) as their coach for Team America: World Police.

Right away fighters are discarded like human refuse. Someone named My God I Have Herpes On National Television And I'm Never Getting Laid Again is booted, but not before Dana says the word "herpes" about 50 times and brands him with a hot iron and makes him wear a scarlet "H" on his shirt. Someone else is deemed too fat.

Close up of Dana: lost, alone without his British "friend" Michael Bisping. A single tear streams down Dana's cheek. "This is the worst start to the season in the history of the show," he says, but what he really means to say is, "Michael... Michael... I miss you."

Then there are fights. Dana and the Queen of England make two brothers face each other in the cage, and the brothers do, stumbling each other with punches until one of them drops. The winner, Mark Miller, is then forced to cut his fallen sibling's throat, shoot him with a derringer, and back over him with a VW Jetta. Mark is sad but all the while Dana laughs. The perverse laugh of Satan, sitting in a recliner in Hell on a lazy Sunday afternoon, drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon while sins are replayed in slow-motion on a big LCD television.

Comedian Carrot Top enters the cage sans props. He defeats some dude of no memorable characteristics whatsoever.

Close up of Dana, this time with music - slow, wistful music. "I... I miss you, Michael..." Dana mutters, but the Queen of England ignores him, maybe a little embarrassed at Dana's confession.

Someone with a brain aneurysm named Santino Defranco gets into the cage. He apparently wants to fight in the UFC before he dies, but no one has told him that fighting requires him to punch back, as the first round sees him lay down against the fence and let another man beat on him relentlessly. In between rounds Defranco's corner lets him know that he can, in fact, hit back, so he comes out and destroys his opponent. His brain aneurysm pulses. Threatens to explode.

Someone named Steve Berger fights. Steve fought in the UFC back in 2002, so he gets to fight in the Octagon again because the Statute of Limitations has expired or something like that. He loses. Some punk rocker fights, gets beat on, then chokes his opponent out before time runs out. Someone named The Marquis de Johnson defeats Ray Elbow. The canvas is eventually stained crimson with Ray Elbow's blood.

Dana cackles maniacally, but inside he aches. "Michael... my Michael," he says, and adds some solemn F-bombs.

Team American: World Police is almost complete. However, two more potential members still have to fight, and they'll battle it out against some other yahoos next week.

Another tear streams down Dana's cheek. Fade to black.

Weekend Schedule

There is another KAPMMA amateur show (the same promoter who brought us "Return of Macaco") tonight in New Jersey. MMA Journalist, however, will be at the Bellator FC show at Mohegan Sun and liveblogging it. Tomorrow night is Strikeforce: "Shamrock vs. Diaz" on Showtime - wahoo!

President Obama Calls For Healing in Wake of Dana White's Profanity-Laced Tirade

President Barack Obama called for healing today in the wake of UFC Chief Potty Mouth Dana White's profanity-laced tirade, a tirade that rocked the nation's very foundation after it aired on the Internet last week. Speaking to the ailing country from the Oval Office, the Commander in Chief spoke of unity and bi-partisanship, and the strength and resolve of all being tested in this difficult time. "We as a people have lost our innocence," said Mr. Obama. "But we will heal, and we will emerge from this crisis a better nation for it." No word yet on whether there will be military action taken against Dana White, but reports indicate that elements of the 82nd Airborne have been mobilized to Las Vegas.

Response to Assemblyman Bob Reilly's Anti-MMA Memo

Check out www.MMAMemories.com . Someone knowledgeable about mixed martial arts in New York wrote an opposition piece to Assemblyman Bob Reilly's Anti-MMA memo "The Case Against Ultimate Fighting in New York".

Lyman Good Has Been Sleeping in a Cage

How prepared will Lyman Good, the Team Tiger Schulmann welterweight star scheduled to fight at Bellator FC 2 this Friday, be when he squares off against Hector Urbina? Let me put it to you this way: Good has been sleeping in a cage. Seriously. For weeks. Put another way, King of the Cage veteran Urbina might have an edge in experience and has no doubt been training hard, but at the end of the day where does he go to bed? Is it in the cage at the gym? Is it? No? Well, Good - who normally lives in Spanish Harlem with his mother and sisters - hasn't been going home. He's been curling up in the cage at the TSMMA training center in New Jersey. Forget Good's top-level conditioning, epic grappling and deadly striking skills, when the referee says "go!" he's going to tear Urbina's head off out of pure mental anguish.

Scott Smith: "Having Hands Made of Steel Really Sucks Sometimes"

Mention Scott Smith's name to fans and most, if not all, will think of his nickname "Hands of Steel", his slugfest-rich fighting history and his propensity for leaving opponents unconscious on the canvas. But day-to-day life can be difficult for the man who twice waged war with Robbie Lawler on EliteXC's live CBS shows. "You know, having hands made of steel really sucks sometimes," says Smith candidly. "I mean, I can move my fingers a little and point at stuff and, of course, make a fist. Picking up things without crushing them? Impossible." Smith's plight is often overlooked as merely a downside to being an exciting top-ranked middleweight fighter. In reality, though, it affects his daily life. He can't toss around a football with his kids without popping the ball, he can't hold a can of soda without it exploding, and he can't swim - his steel hands simply drag him to the bottom. "God gave me a gift when he provided me with these hands," says Smith. "But seriously, it does suck." Smith is slated to face off against the heavy-handed Benji Radach on Strikeforce's April 11th "Shamrock vs. Diaz" event in San Jose, California. The event will be broadcast on Showtime.

Response to Cease and Desist Letter

Dear Mr. Mirakian:

I have received your "cease and desist letter" in regards to my blog post "Shady Kansas City Promotion Trying to Screw One of Fred Ettish's Fighters", which was published on www.mmajournalist.blogspot.com on March 30th, 2009 (and not on www.fcfighter.com/news as you erroneously claimed).

As a member of the press, I relish the chance to engage Mr. Huddleston and your firm in a battle over First Amendment rights and all pertinent "freedom of the press" issues. Also, please be advised that MMA Journalist is based out of New York State, so any civil suits brought against MMA Journalist elsewhere will be contested jurisdictionally. Do keep in mind that I will zealously defend myself against any and all defamation claims, utilizing such legal defenses as "truth" and "fair comment on a matter of public interest", and of course my personal favorite, New York Times Co. v. Sullivan. And, as a member of the press, I would be remiss if I didn't keep the public abreast of the legal proceedings and the information uncovered on Mr. Huddleston therewith.

It is my understanding that Mr. Huddleston refused to grant Full Contact Fighter an interview. The offer still stands. If Mr. Huddleston would consent to an interview, then I would be more than happy to post his side of the story. Please convey that to your client.

Yours truly,

MMA Journalist

"Cease and Desist"

Mr. Genia,

I have been retained by Mr. Rick Huddleston to represent him in a dispute with Mr. Wayne Francis stemming from the War of the Warriors event at the KC Sports Lodge on March 21, 2009.

Last Monday, I discovered an internet [article] written by you, titled “Shady Kansas City Promotion Trying to Screw One of Fred Ettish’s Fighters.” This article was found on the front page of www.fcfighter.com/news. [Editor's note: goddammit, it was on this blog.]

Currently, Mr. Huddleston and Mr. Francis are disputing various things, including responsibility for payment of the purse. Until such time that this legal matter has been resolved I demand that you cease and desist from making any further disparaging comments about my Client on the present issue. I further request that you remove this article from the internet. If you choose not remove this false information from the internet, my client will consider bringing a defamation suit against you

I would like to conclude by stating that Mr. Huddleston is working hard to resolve this dispute and it is his sincere desire to see that these fighters get paid. I can personally assure you that the legal process will run its course and the fighters will get paid. Until that time, however, please refrain from making any disparaging or false comments about my client with respect to the present issue.

If you have any questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to call or contact me.

Sincerely,

WYRSCH HOBBS & MIRAKIAN, P.C.

By:

CHRISTOPHER MIRAKIAN

MO Bar # 61178

WYRSCH HOBBS & MIRAKIAN, P.C.

1000 Walnut, Suite 1600

Kansas City, MO 64106

Phone: 816-221-0080

Observations From My Couch: WEC 40

• Goodness gracious, that was an outstanding WEC. All the fights were exciting and all the fighters fought their hearts out. Bravo.
• Raphael Assuncao was large and in charge against Jameel Massouh, but Massouh must be part Terminator. The dude just kept coming.
• As a boxer, Shane Roller makes a great wrestler.
• No way did Joseph Benavidez deserve those 30-27 scores. Jeff Curran was in that one from beginning to end and I saw him winning at least one of those rounds. Props to both men, though. They freakin' brought it.
• Of course Miguel Torres was impressive, but how about that Takeya Mizugaki for making it competitive, eh? I actually can't wait to see Mizugaki against some of the other WEC bantamweights.

Observations From My Couch: Bellator FC Week 1

• I applaud Bellator FC's efforts to create a roster of Latino fighters, but damn, it must've sucked being one of the lone few white fighters on that card. Ben Greer and Greg Loughran probably got a broom closet as a locker room.
• Toby Imada winning is like watching your hard-drinking Vietnam veteran uncle, who usually winds up passed out on some street corner, finally haul off a knock out some big teenager who's been bothering him for ages. Good for him.
• Eddie, Eddie, Eddie... why do you insist on scaring us with these stray punches that end up stumbling you?
• Was it me or did Nick Agallar's boxing footwork look more akin to a session of the arcade game "Dance Dance Revolution"? Dude, you knew you were facing a skilled striker, right?
• Jorge Masvidal looked good, but was that his woman that was jumping up and down after he won? If so, holy mama!