Anderson Silva Should Be Traded to Strikeforce

We have yet to enter the age where contracted fighters are traded from one organization to another, but never before has a promotion been stuck with an ill-fitting athlete in such a high-profile spot. That's right, I'm talking about UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva. Rightfully hyped as one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in the world, and dangerous like a lit stick of dynamite wrapped in barbed wire and covered with razors is dangerous, Silva is now at the level where he's beaten everyone who may have been a threat to him. The only possible opponents left are people with no chance who know they have no chance, so fans are stuck with bouts best described as "boring pieces of doggy crap". The solution: trade Silva to Strikeforce. Does anyone honestly think Strikeforce middleweights like Cung Le, Robbie Lawler, Scott Smith and Benji Radach are going to butt flop against Silva? Of course not. Everyone of these 185-pounders would swing for the fences and go out on their shield (or get lucky and land a golden knockout). What would the UFC get out of the deal? Aside from a fighter worthy of the Octagon, they'd get their middleweight division back. Because right now, the UFC's middleweight division belongs to Anderson Silva... and he's not giving it up anytime soon.

Scott Smith: "Having Hands Made of Steel Really Sucks Sometimes"

Mention Scott Smith's name to fans and most, if not all, will think of his nickname "Hands of Steel", his slugfest-rich fighting history and his propensity for leaving opponents unconscious on the canvas. But day-to-day life can be difficult for the man who twice waged war with Robbie Lawler on EliteXC's live CBS shows. "You know, having hands made of steel really sucks sometimes," says Smith candidly. "I mean, I can move my fingers a little and point at stuff and, of course, make a fist. Picking up things without crushing them? Impossible." Smith's plight is often overlooked as merely a downside to being an exciting top-ranked middleweight fighter. In reality, though, it affects his daily life. He can't toss around a football with his kids without popping the ball, he can't hold a can of soda without it exploding, and he can't swim - his steel hands simply drag him to the bottom. "God gave me a gift when he provided me with these hands," says Smith. "But seriously, it does suck." Smith is slated to face off against the heavy-handed Benji Radach on Strikeforce's April 11th "Shamrock vs. Diaz" event in San Jose, California. The event will be broadcast on Showtime.

Showtime to Sell EliteXC Fighters as Slaves

The cable network Showtime, which held significant financial interests in EliteXC at the time of the promotion's collapse, announced this week that it was auctioning off whatever EliteXC assets are available to repay the failed company's debt - and much to the chagrin of Robbie Lawler, Jake Shields and civil rights lawyers alike, those assets will include EliteXC's stable of contracted fighters. "I just got a call from Matt Hughes," said Monte Cox, who manages middleweight champ Lawler. "He was hysterical. Apparently they took Robbie away in shackles. Hey, I'm no legal expert, but this is clearly a violation of the Constitution's Thirteenth Amendment!" Added Shields' manager Cesar Gracie: "Yeah man. They already sold Jake to some Arab sheik. I think he's in the Middle East now waving a giant palm frond as the sultan's personal fan." It's unclear at this time if Showtime's actions will withstand a legal challenge, but as of this writing, other EliteXC fighters have gone into hiding. Stay tuned for more.

Nick Diaz to Utilize Special Marijuana Powers Against Eddie Alvarez

Lightweight stud Nick Diaz has a trick up his sleeve for Eddie Alvarez when the two face each other at EliteXC's November 8th event: special marijuana powers. Promising to "smoke" the hard-hitting Philly slugger once the cage door shuts, Diaz claims his top-level jiu-jitsu and aggressive boxing won't be needed when he "rolls" Alvarez up and employs some "puff, puff, pass" and "choke and cough". Said Diaz, "Um, yeah, so... I... wait, what?" EliteXC's November 8th event will be broadcast live on Showtime, and will also feature middleweight champ Robbie Lawler defending his belt against Joey Villasenor.

Dear EliteXC: Please Don't Die

Dear EliteXC: Please don't die. When I heard that you'd cancelled your September 20th Showtime event, and that you bailed on a Cage Rage Contenders in the UK, my heart sank. You were the first promotion to make it to network television. You got people everywhere talking about Kimbo Slice and Gina Carano and, more importantly, MMA in general. You gave athletes like Robbie Lawler, Scott Smith, Jake Shields, Nick Thompson and others a chance to let the world know that they're top-tier fighters. And last but not least, you gave us an alternative to the UFC's brand of pugilistic product. Look, I know profitability seems elusive, and that the crowded MMA market can at times be cutthroat and resource-draining. But Rome wasn't built in a day. Just hang in there. When clothing stores start stocking EliteXC T-shirts and CBS and Showtime renew their contracts in far more favorable terms, it will all pay off in the end.

Observations from My Couch: EliteXC "Unfinished Business"

- At "Unfinished Business", EliteXC listened to the hardcore MMA fans and put together a show that definitely pleased them all. According to preliminary ratings reports, however, no one but hardcore fans watched the damn thing. - Cris Cyborg, Wanderlei Silva's transexual brother, looked scary beating down Shayna Baszler. Can Gina Carano save us from her brand of Brazilian lovin'? - Jake Shields made it look easy. Yes, it does indeed say "Bad Motherfucker" on his wallet. - Thomas Denny was an excellent human punching bag for Nick Diaz. But for all his faults, the "Wildman" sure did show a ton of heart. Bravo, man. Bravo. - With heavy hands, a well-rounded game and legitimate credentials, Robbie Lawler is everything EliteXC could want in a middleweight champ. I bet the UFC regrets his departure now, eh?

Thomas Denny Out to Prove that All You Need to Fight on Network TV is Interesting Hair

Apparently all you need to earn a fight on network television is interesting hair. Don't believe me? Just ask perpetual journeyman Thomas "Wildman" Denny, a regional West Coast fighter who's fought and lost to some of the best while touting a curious array of hairstyles. On Saturday night, EliteXC returns to CBS with "Unfinished Business", a sophomore effort that will feature Robbie Lawler rematching with Scott Smith, Shayna Baszler spine-locking Cristiane Cyborg, and Jake Shields and Nick Thompson exchanging grooming tips in the cage. But the real star of the evening will be Denny's ever-changing locks when he takes on stoner Nick Diaz. Will the Wildman rock the cornrows? Will he go the multicolored route? Or will the mid-level fighter with the on-staff hairdresser throw down whilst sporting a pompadour, mohawk or bouffant? Only time will tell. But on Saturday night you can count on two things: Denny will lose, and his hair will be spectacular.