Gordon Defeating LaMotte: Not An Upset, But A Forgone Conclusion

New Jersey fight circuit alum Doug Gordon subitted the highly-touted Nate LaMotte at Friday's inaugural American Steel Cagefighting event in New Hampshire, and to hear the blogosphere tell it, it was an upset of epic proportions. Sorry folks, but the outcome wasn't so much an upset as a forgone conclusion. "Flash" is actually one of the better fighters coming out of the Garden State scene (Gordon hails from Delaware). In his first MMA bout, he defeated a tough B-level fighter, and whenever he's lost it's been to either the absolute best or to superior wrestlers who got him down and kept him there. Gordon's strengths are his experience against top guys and his ability to end a bout on the feet or on the ground from the first minute to the last. Don't believe me? Google his fight against Gregor Gracie in Ring of Combat, which saw Gordon dominated for the first two rounds before he ended it with a spectacular high-kick KO in the third. Flash is the real deal, and now LaMotte and New Hampshire know what the rest of us already did: he's a killer.

A Collection of News Haiku

• Dana says he wants/Fedor in the UFC./Also, the man's soul.
• Tito is back. Um,/does anyone really care?/I sure as hell don't.
• Belfort will return/to the Octagon. Now that/is worth applauding.
• This week the press got/played by Zuffa like a horn./So what else is new?
• Jay Hieron to Strikeforce/to face Nick Diaz for title./All hail Scott Coker!
• Vadim Finkelstein - /Isn't that a funny name?/Go on, just say it.
• Barnett's B sample/came back positive. Guess that means/he's a damn juicer.

Predictions for Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizzaro World.)

Affliction's third show is tomorrow night, and the world waits with bated breath to see how "Trilogy" will play out. Will Fedor meet his match in Josh Barnett? Is Gegard Mousasi ready for the likes of Babalu? Is Dana White ready to eat his words for saying Affliction was a doomed piece of crap? Here are some predictions!

• Fedor and Barnett will wage a war of epic proportions. The Russian will prevail, but based on his performance and seemingly limitless heart, Barnett will be hailed as a hero for his courageous effort.
• Renato Sobral will have his hands full with Mousasi, yet he'll find the sub in later rounds.
• Vitor Belfort will do to Jorge Santiago exactly what Chris Leben did, i.e., knock him silly.
• Deividas Taurosevicius will submit Mark Hominick so fast, Canada will revoke Hominick's citizenship.
• Chris Horodecki will cling to the ropes in a panic. Unable to get the little rascal down, Dan Lauzon will instead submit him right there with a standing rear naked choke. Horodecki will fall unconscious, but not before uttering "Mommy!"
• Gilbert Yvel will attempt to eye-gouge Paul Buentello, but will only succeed in getting his finger stuck in Buentello's burrito. And by "burrito", I mean a flour tortilla wrapped around a filling of meat, rice, refried beans, pico de gallo and cheese - which Buentello carries around with him at all times.
• Affliction will announce that it will never die. Ever. It will be around until the end of time.

Fred Ettish To Return To Fighting on August 15th

UFC 2 veteran Fred Ettish will return to mixed martial arts competition on August 15th at a small show in Minnesota - a newsworthy tidbit because Ettish is 0-1, 53-years-old and a well-respected member of the MMA community. For those who came into this sport because "The Ultimate Fighter" looked cool or because they loved watching Kimbo Slice on CBS, Ettish entered the Octagon wearing a karate gi and wielding a traditional martial arts background, and in the minds of many, his subsequent loss made him the embodiment of all that didn't work in an actual limited-rules fight. But nothing could have been further from the truth, and in the 15 years since, Ettish has molded himself into a cross-trained Miletich Fighting Systems instructor and a very appreciated part of MMA history. MMA Journalist certainly wishes him luck, but win or lose, Ettish will always remain a warrior.

UFC Partially Leaks Terms Offered To Fedor, Neglects To Mention Fine Print

Yesterday's Fedor Emelianenko press conference failed to deliver any great revelations other than that he will be starring in a Russian version of the video game "Pong", but the media-manipulating machine that is the UFC was quick to leak to Carmichael Dave of "The UFC Shill" radio show the "very generous offer" they'd presented to the free-spirited heavyweight. Those terms included a six-fight deal/$30 million contract, an immediate title shot, a share of the pay-per-view sales, the right to wear as many "M-1 Global" logos as he wants, and permission for Fedor to compete in his beloved art of combat sambo. What the UFC did not leak, however, was the fine print contained within the contract - clauses which no doubt factored into Fedor and his management team's reluctance to sign on the dotted line. Thankfully, MMA Journalist has obtained a copy of that contract through anonymous sources, so here is the crux of the "fine print":

• If Fedor loses at any time during his six-fight contract, he can be released from the UFC's roster at the sole discretion of the UFC.
• Fedor must sign over all rights to his likeness to the UFC, who will hold those rights forever.
• Fedor must sign over all rights to his children and grandchildren to the UFC, who will hold these right forever or until they sell them off.
• If Fedor defeats UFC champ Brock Lesnar and the Russian has only one more fight on his contract, Fedor must lose to Lesnar in that last fight.
• Fedor must live in the TUF house. With no translator. Also, he can't compete while living there, but must instead clean the house and perform menial chores.
• Win or lose, at the end of every bout Fedor must declare to Joe Rogan, "Russia sucks - Dana White the best."
• Fedor must never, ever even think about making money for anyone other than the UFC.

Fedor To Hold Press Conference Today To Discuss How Awesome Affliction Is

The number-one ranked heavyweight fighter in the world, Fedor Emelianenko, will be holding a press conference today in Anaheim, California in the DoubleTree Hotel. The reasons behind the press conference remain cloudy, but there are a few likely possibilities, which include...

• He wants to talk about how awesome Affliction is. He totally loves them and considers them the most viable alternative to the UFC.
• He wants to discuss the many ways he will defeat Josh Barnett. Barnett is tough but he's just a man. Besides, it's not like the Baby-Faced Assassin uses steroids or anything.
• He plans on addressing his grievances against the UFC, and outlining how he and the organization can come to terms.
• He is going to confess that he's not Russian at all. As the vast majority of his body parts were made in a cybernetic-construct factory from a scorched and war-torn future that knows no national boundaries, he's really just a Terminator.
• He's going to retire.

Tom Atencio: "Affliction Is Here To Stay"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

Addressing rumors that his organization may be faltering under the weight of exorbitant salaries and out-of-control production costs, Affliction Head Seamstress Tom Atencio held a press conference today on the steps of the Anaheim Police Headquarters, taking "haters, fear-mongerers and lackeys of Dana White" to task for what he claims to be "outright lies". "Affliction is here to stay," said Atencio. "We have taken a thriving t-shirt business and turned it into a mixed martial arts empire, and as our 'Trilogy' event on Saturday will prove, we have the best fighters in the world who are worth every penny we're paying for them." When asked if this would be Affliction's last outing, Atencio was quick to respond. "No way. In a year from now, we'll have had a total of six shows. And Fedor will probably be fighting Randy Couture. And Brock Lesnar. At the same time. Because that's what the fans want and we're willing to pay out a billion dollars of ours and everyone else's money to make that happen."

Saturday's Affliction: "Trilogy" event is set to feature Fedor Emelianenko taking on Josh Barnett, as well as a bunch of other fighters who will compete and then get paid for their work.

Top Five Promotions Who Crapped The Bed

EliteXC. The IFL. Affliction. The dead continue to pile up like insurgents by a Baghdad highway, struggling to set up an IED while a Special Forces sniper picks them off from a rooftop 1,200 meters away. Meanwhile, the UFC races ever onward, and in a few months time the general public will barely recall those who fought courageously for what they believed in (72 virgins, Allah, lame teams named after animals, t-shirts for douche bags) and got their heads blown the heck off. But MMA Journalist will never forget! So here, in no particular order, are the top five wannabe MMA promotions that crapped the bed:

1. Extreme Fighting - The UFC's first competitor, EF was where studs like Marcus "Conan" Silveira, Maurice Smith, John Lewis and Igor Zinoviev threw down back in 1996-97. This John Peretti-run organization was way ahead of its time, employing three five-minute rounds when the UFC was using a single 12-minute round, and finding competitors among Olympic wrestlers. Unfortunately, everything came to a crashing halt when New York banned MMA and pay-per-view providers decided to give "human cockfighting" the boot, which killed EF's planned Brooklyn show and dried up all avenues of viable revenue generation.
2. Pride Fighting Championships - In late 1997 the yakuza and some Japanese businessmen teamed up to create the UFC's arch-enemy, and until its death in 2007, the organization put on some epic events, not the least of which were the tournaments that crowned Mark Coleman, Wanderlei Silva, Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Fedor Emelianenko as champs. Sadly, that whole yakuza thing came around to bite Pride FC in the ass, and after two forays into the American market the organization was bought by the UFC and picked apart like a leftover Thanksgiving turkey.
3. EliteXC - As promotion's go, this upstart accomplished a lot in its 2006 to 2008 run. It managed to be the first MMA organization to do a live primetime TV event on a major network (CBS), it brought Kimbo Slice and Gina Carano to the masses, and it managed to make waves and provide a viable alternative to anything Octagon. But this bad boy was insanely mismanaged by a boxing promoter named Gary Shaw and his offspring J-Diddy, and when Kimbo collapsed at their "Heat" event thanks to a Seth Petruzelli jab to the beard, so too did EliteXC. But hey, at least Kimbo got back up, right?
4. International Fight League - Here's a great idea: let's make teams out of B-level fighters, give the teams contrived names (the Minnesota Marsupials, the Phoenix Flagellum), and put on shows packed with overzealous branding throughout the country regardless of where the best markets for live MMA are. How does that sound? Wait, it sounds like the IFL, which lasted from 2006 to 2008 and went belly up? Well, that's because it is. Hey, the next time a comic book mogul and a real estate developer come up to you and pitch their idea for an MMA organization, please, kick them in the groin.
5. BodogFIGHT - Billionaire Calvin Ayre apparently had some money he wanted to throw away, so in 2006 he put together an MMA promotion that shipped fighters to distant locales like Costa Rica, St. Petersburg, Russia and Vancouver, British Columbia, had them battle it out before TV cameras, and then put the resulting television episodes on a Christian network that no one ever watched. Then Ayre had even more money to burn, so he held pay-per-view events where Fedor beat on an overpaid Matt Lindland - no one watched that one, either. Things came crashing down when, in 2008, Ayre's accountant showed him the books and Ayre immediately had the accountant killed.

An Open Letter From Kimo Leopoldo

Following last week's "Beau Taylor Is An Incorrigible Midget Debacle", where it was reported that old school UFC veteran Kimo Leopoldo had died of a heart attack and the news spread unabated on the Internet, comes this press release from Kimo. Note: the Hawaiian fighting legend is clearly a member of the undead now - most likely a zombie, although status as a ghoul or other type of cursed spirit should not be ruled out.

"Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaaahhhhh... Mnnnnnhhhhh... Aaaaaahhhhh... *Moaning sounds* Aaahhhhhh... Mnnnnhhhhhooooohhhhhh! *Gurgling sounds*"

While it's unclear what this press release means, the one certain thing is that Kimo still walks among us. So, um, watch your flesh.

Fighters Totally Ready For Affliction: "Trilogy"

(The following is a news report from Bizarro World.)

The fighters assembled for Affliction's third event - a star-studded affair dubbed "Trilogy" and scheduled for Saturday, August 1st - are set and ready for war. In the main event, Fedor Emelianenko, the most feared heavyweight on the planet, is scheduled to take on top-ranked contender Josh Barnett in what is sure to be a battle to remember. Who will emerge the victor in this contest between the heavy-handed sambo master and the submission specialist? Also on the card is the pairing of UFC veteran Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Dream tournament winner Gegard Mousasi, the Brazilian Phenom Vitor Belfort against American Top Team star Jorge Santiago, and knockout artist Paul Buentello versus Dutch kickboxer Gilbert Yvel - three bouts guaranteed to provide fireworks galore. Said Emelianenko: "I am honored to be competing for such a stable organization. Dana White can kiss my Russian butt."

Affliction: "Trilogy" will also feature a killer under card, a rock-solid business plan, and a focus on providing fighters with steady employment for a long time to come.