Aspiring Matchmaker Ed Soares Details What Chael Sonnen Must Do Before Facing Anderson Silva

Despite Chael Sonnen’s impressive defeat of top contender Nate Marquardt at UFC 109, manager, translator and aspiring matchmaker Ed Soares – the English-speaking front man for UFC middleweight champ Anderson Silva – doesn’t feel the American deserves a shot at his ward’s belt.  Consequently, Soares has released a list of Herculean tasks he believes Sonnen must accomplish before such a match-up occurs.  The list includes:

1. A rematch with Demian Maia, who previously submitted the wrestler at UFC 95.
2. Fight Paulo Filho again, then Jeremy Horn, Renato “Babalu” Sobral, Terry Martin, Jeremy Horn two more times, Keiichiro Yamamiya, Forrest Griffin and Trevor Prangley.  Basically, Sonnen needs to go back and avenge every loss.
3. He must also confront that bully that gave him a wedgie in fifth grade.
4. The Ark of the Covenant, the Spear of Destiny and the Holy Grail – find them!
5. Sonnen must present to Soares Brock Lesnar’s jock strap.  Which he stole from Lesnar.  While Lesnar was wearing it.
6. Prepare for Silva an exquisite meal of seared duck breast with shallot-Merlot reduction, roasted potatoes and steamed Brussel sprouts.  The accompanying wine must be impeccably chosen.
7. Face Demian Maia yet again.
8. Lastly, Sonnen must swear he won’t take Silva down and pound on him.  Swear it!

Bag of Ice Fined and Suspended by Nevada State Athletic Commission for UFC 109 Debacle

The Nevada State Athletic Commission has fined and suspended the infamous UFC 109 bag of ice, which broke open and spilled its contents in-between rounds during the Melvin Guillard/Ronnys Torres bout – an act that delayed the resumption of the bout and required swift action by commission officials to clean up the resulting mess.  Citing provision NAC 467.7962, which lists as a foul “Interference by the corner”, NSAC Chief Heat Miser Keith Kizer stated that “if a bag of ice can’t hold itself together, and it instead gets in the way of the execution of an official bout, then it shouldn’t be licensed by the Commission.  End of story.”  Calls to the bag of ice for its reaction to the fine and suspension have gone unanswered.  Stay tuned for more as this story develops.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 109 "Ultimate Disgrace"

• Pitting Randy Couture against Mark Coleman was about as awesome as when the IFL had that faded fighter take on that has-been in a superfight.
• It took Matt Serra less time to knock Frank Trigg out than it did Robbie Lawler. Is it time for Serra vs. BJ Penn at 170? It was damn close when they fought at 155.
• Congrats to Chael Sonnen for utterly dominating Nate Marquardt, and a huge congrats to Sonnen for actually proving himself to be a viable contender for the 185-pound title. The dude went from zero to hero in the span of two flawless fights.
• Demian Maia... meh.
• Paulo Thiago is legit. Or Mike Swick has started to suck.
• Mac Danzig was tossed a softball and came ridiculously close to striking out.
• Is it me or was Melvin Guillard the recipient of a gift decision?
• One more loss for Brian Stann and he's going to lose that GI Joe action figure modeled after him.
• Did Rolles Gracie not know he was supposed to fight in the UFC this past weekend? Was his Octagon debut some sort of prank? Dude, do some cardio.

Predictions For UFC 109: "Attack of the Olds"

UFC 109 approaches, and with its star-studded headlining bout of Oldie McOld versus Captain Oldenstein, one thing becomes more apparent than ever before: holy cow has Zuffa run out of worthy headliners. Granted, Randy Couture and Mark Coleman are ex-champs, but they're... how do you say it... ah yes, freakin' old (and pretty irrelevant). So here we go, another UFC that means nothing - unless you're into dudes who fought in World War I and who are getting perilously close to collecting Social Security checks. Predictions:

• Matt Serra is facing Frank Trigg. Why? Who knows. But now we get to see the man who inspired the cast of MTV's "Jersey Shore" wreck a man who posed nude for some gay magazine.
• Demian Maia is going to work some top-level jiu-jitsu magic on Dan Miller. Until, of course, Miller punches him in the face. Then the Brazilian is going to go flying!
• Paulo Thiago over Mike Swick via concussion grenade and submachine gun. BOPA!
• The winner of Nate Marquardt vs. Chael Sonnen gets to the winner of Anderson Silva vs. Vitor Belfort. So in essence, whoever survives on Saturday night gets to die at a later date.
• Randy Couture wins out of sheer oldness.

WEC 48 to Air on Pay-Per-View and Cost More Than It's Worth

Top-flight "little guy" promotion the WEC will make its pay-per-view debut on April 24th, feature some of its biggest and best stars and, at $44.99, cost more than the event is worth. The Zuffa-owned organization's 48th installment will see featherweight champ Jose Aldo defend his belt against Urijah Faber, lightweight champ Ben Henderson face Don Cerrone, and Mike Brown take on Manny Gamburyan - bouts that would normally cost nothing the Versus channel, yet for some reason will require 45 clams on April 24th. Said a WEC spokesperson, "Hey man, cut us some slack. Our typical 'Fight of the Night' bonus is two hundred bucks and a gift certificate for the Olive Garden. This is our chance to make some cash." Stay tuned for more on the anticipated line-up when the info becomes available.

Bouts to Watch at Upcoming New Jersey Pro Shows

There’s a pair of upcoming pro shows in New Jersey with some seriously stellar bouts on tap.  February 19^th will bring us Lou Neglia’s Ring of Combat 28, and the mega-fight card includes:

• Gian Villante vs. Bret Kohan, a classic “big, mean knockout striker against big, mean knockout striker” match-up.  This one is for a ROC belt, and odds are there will be very little lay-and-pray involved.
• Ryan LaFlare vs. Justin Haskins, which pairs a red-hot Bellmore Kickboxing grappling stud against a Kurt Pellegrino-trained ex-wrestler and WEC veteran.
• Louis Gaudinot vs. Tuan Pham, a meeting of lightning-fast face-punchers.  Remember when cartoon characters would engage in fisticuffs and all viewers would see was a cloud of dust and flying limbs?  That’s what’s going to happen here, only with referee Kevin Mullhall yelling “Don’t grab the fence!  Watch those knees!  Oh my God he killed him!”

On February 26^th, a week after ROC 28, Monte Cox’s Adrenaline MMA promotion links up with Newbreed Fighters for the Garden State-based organization’s first pro show.  That card includes:

• Tom Gallicchio vs. Mike Dolce, which pits one of New Jersey’s best welterweights against a heavy-handed TUF veteran.
• Dante Rivera vs. Herbert Goodman, a pairing of one of the area’s most popular fighters against some cat from the Midwest.

It looks like 2010 is starting off strong in terms of pro MMA offerings.  Hopefully this will keep up.

Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce "Miami Vice"

• In last night's episode, Nick "Crockett" Diaz went deep undercover to face Lithuanian drug smuggler Marius Zaromskis. So far undercover, in fact, that after wrecking Zaromskis, Diaz was too stoned to take his postfight drug test.
• Cris "Tubbs" Cyborg engaged in shootout with Dutch human trafficker Marloes Coenen on the pier. Then Cyborg ate her.
• Like a Colombian hit man honing in on a disloyal street dealer, Robbie Lawler just straight up assassinated Melvin Manhoef. We're talking the kind of assassination where there's brains splattered all over the sidewalk and no witnesses because everyone is too scared to testify.
• Lieutenant Herschel Walker totally dropped the hammer on his subordinates.
• Wes Sims sucked.

New Jersey Fun Facts: 2009 Edition

Did you know…?

• There were 45 sanctioned MMA events in New Jersey in 2009.
• Of these events, there were 125 professional MMA bouts.
• There were also 346 amateur MMA bouts.
• Referee Dan Miragliotta used 671 bottles of tanning lotion.
• A total of 13 people died eating spoiled food from the staff cafeteria within the Tropicana Casino & Resort in Atlantic City (which hosts the Ring of Combat events).  No one complained, however, because it was free.
• The UFC held zero events within the Garden State, which is the same number they held there in 2008.
• Asylum Fight League promoter Carl Mascarenhas killed a man just because he thought the man looked at him funny.
• No manatees were harmed at any sanctioned MMA events over the course of the year – which is a new safety record for the State of New Jersey!

Predictions for Strikeforce: "Miami" - Or, "How I Learned To Love Freakshows"

Strikeforce: "Miami" is this weekend, and offering is a mixture of strong and solid and compelling matchmaker with a big dose of "What? What the hell are they smoking?" In the "strong and solid and compelling" column are gems like Nick Diaz vs. Marius Zaromskis, Cris Cyborg vs. Marloes Coenen and Melvin Manhoef vs. Robbie Lawler - a trio of bouts that would make an true MMA fan want to gnaw on their television. Meanwhile, in the "what the hell are they smoking" column... ex-pro wrestler Bobby Lashley and ex-football great Herschel Walker. Seriously? Lashley and Walker? Clearly someone at Strikeforce owns a huge bong, and the thing has been getting a lot of use lately. Anyhoo, predictions!

• Zaromskis is a killer Lithuan striker and hot prospect right now, but his crowning achievement is icing Mach Sakurai. It's too soon for him to be facing Diaz.
• Cyborg is going to get Coenen down, tear open her stomach, and eat the poor Dutchwoman's entrails. No, really. And when the ref gets too close, he's going to get it as well.
• Manhoef by KO, unless Lawler goes for a takedown. Then Manhoef will flail around like a turtle stuck on his back.
• Walker via touchdown!
• Lashley is taking on Wes Sims, who's a last-minute opponent who, though experienced, hasn't trained for this bout. I think I need to take a hit off that bong...

Chuck Liddell: "I Still Have About Four Brain-Damaging Concussions Left In Me"

Despite a string of crushing losses that saw him plummet from the top of the light-heavyweight heap to the bottom, aging ex-champ Chuck Liddell insists that the desire to get into the cage and compete burns within him, and that he’s far from done.  “I still have about four brain-damaging concussions left in me,” says the kickboxer-turned-MMA superstar-turned-failed dancer, whose last tango in the Octagon left him unconscious and then incoherent for months after.  “I mean, Dana [White] doesn’t want me to fight anymore, but what does he know?  He’s not a neurologist.”  It was, however, a board-certified neurologist who declared Liddell’s cognitive abilities “perilously close to vegetable status – like a zucchini or squash or something” – due to trauma sustained by knockouts at the hands of Quinton Jackson, Rashad Evans and Mauricio “Shogun” Rua (three of Liddell’s last four opponents).  “The Iceman” is currently in Las Vegas for the filming of the upcoming season of “The Ultimate Fighter”, which will see him serve as a coach for the eleventh season opposite longtime rival Tito Ortiz.  It’s assumed that after TUF 11 ends, Liddell will face Ortiz for a third time in the UFC in a bout no one really cares to see.