Friday, April 16, 2010
Liveblog: ROC 29 Part 2
First bout and it's Carmine Zocchi-trained Ariel Sepulveda against Charlie Joseph of Team Lotus/the Fight Monkeys (seriously) in a middleweight scrap. This one doesn't last long, with Joseph walking into a number of short punches to the face en route to the clinch, and hurting his knee at the 1:27 mark. At least Sepulveda looked good throwing leather and keeping it on the feet. Next at bat is featherweights Pete DeYonker of Tong Dragon and Ryan Castillo of Serra/Longo. These guys do a great job of going back and forth on the ground and neutralizing each other, with Castillo's extra 30 seconds spent on top earning him the majority decision. Light-heavyweight Ricardo Almeida brown belt Haz Ibrahim enters the cage to take on Team Edson Carvalho's Rich Bianchi. Talk about fighting mad, Ibrahim looks like he's ready to crush Bianchi, drive him before him and hear the lamentations of his woman. The story of this bout involves Ibrahim getting Bianchi down quickly, getting on top and generously applying fist to face. Other than some foul language, Bianchi's got nothing for the Northeast old schooler, and Ibrahim takes the unanimous decision when time expires.
Liveblog: ROC 29 Part 1
MMA Journalist is cageside here at the Tropicana in Atlantic City for Lou Neglia's Ring of Combat 29, the roughest, toughest MMA event east of the Mississippi. There are 15 bouts on tap tonight, and present are such luminaries as UFC fighters Matt Serra and Ricardo Almeida, Bellator champ Lyman Good (sporting a faux-hawk - a bold statement), and Pennsylvania-based blogger Paul Miles. Star ref Dan Miragliotta is hosting Q & A session on his experiences at the UFC in Abu Dhabi, describing in detail the unaired prelim bout that saw Forrest Griffin fight a camel. Also, there's apparently going to be an MMA event on June 19th at Great Adventure theme park, hosted by Great Adventure itself. More on that later.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 3
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
It's always been there, alluded to, hinted at but never spoken of or addressed outright. Until tonight. Yes, I'm talking about "the ghey" (pronounced "the gaaayyyyyy!"), and this season more than any other looks to embrace that coveted, catered-to demographic with a fighter who exhibits a number of traits that come across as… how shall we say… ghey (pronounced "Heyyy boys!")? That's right. Nestled within the fresh and fiery TUF formula, hidden behind the fire that burns between once-great champs-turned-coaches Tito Ortiz and Chuck Liddell, is a competitor with a collection of mannerisms that allude to summers in Provincetown, circuit parties in South Beach and a tiny, pink Bichon Frise carried around in a Kate Spade purse.
We'll call this competitor "Joe Feminine". More on him later. But first…
Dana White gathers the troops for an announcement, an air of doom and gloom pervading the TUF Training Center. What's going on? Did someone manage to escape the house, hitchhike to White's neighborhood, find his mansion, punt his cat into the pool and flee into the night? All assembled stand at attention, fearing what may come.
"Chevy Camaro," bellows White. "You are a two-door muscle car and an American classic, but that tooth ache you've been complaining about? It's a cracked radiator. You're out of the competition."
Everyone breathes a sigh of relief that it's not them getting booted off the show, then quickly make like they're sad to see Chevy Camaro go, patting him on the back as a violin plays softly in the background. He departs, his motor sputtering and steam billowing out from under his hood, and when his engine dies in the parking lot he must be towed.
"Yes!" Liddell exclaims, and proceeds to do a victory dance. "My team is now 2-0." He hi-fives a grappling dummy, and trainer John Hackleberry Finn hands him a juice box.
"Uh, that doesn't count as a win," says White.
"Waaagh!" Liddell shouts in dismay, and crushes his juice box in his hand, spraying all nearby.
White informs Ortiz that he must now pick a replacement from the ranks of those who sucked too hard to make into the TUF House for real. He ponders his choices, and picks Sucky McSuck. "God, I'm glad to be back," says McSuck. Whatever.
The clock strikes 2:00 am and it's freaky time in the TUF House. The camera zooms in on a pair of young men in their underwear, groaning, touching each other firmly. Somewhere, a bar in Chelsea falls completely - and uncharacteristically - silent. Yes, folks, the ghey (pronounced "mmm, girl, you better work it!") has arrived. Sure, it's just a friendly deep-tissue massage among cast mates, complete with hot oils and lubricants, burning incense, a disco ball and the Village People singing "YMCA" on the stereo, but this little scene seems somewhat different than the usual TUF fare. No, this tableau is clearly ghey (pronounced "oooh, I'll have the apple martini!").
"Uh, this is clearly ghey," says Ronnie Kray from the next room.
"Here is something you can't understand - how I could just kill a man!" Cypress Hill chimes in.
"Oh, there's nothing wrong with two young men rubbing each other in the middle of the night," says Joe Feminine, posing in the doorway of their room as he were strutting his stuff on a runway in Milan. "Now which one of you wants to ejaculate into my fruit salad?"
And somewhere, at a bar in the Castro, a pin drops onto the floor and clatters loudly, the only sound in the usually raucous establishment.
It's time for Liddell to pick the next fight, and in typical Liddell fashion he chooses grappling coach Jake Shield's right sneaker to take on the waste paper basket. The assembled all scratch their heads. After about 15 minutes of back-and-forth, White convinces him to pick actual humans. The Iceman calls for Hawaii Five-O to fight Dumb as a Bag of Hammers.
Training montage time. Heavy bags are hit. Focus mitts are punched. Push-ups are pushed. Drama flares when Cypress Hill rebuffs Joe Feminine's advances. "Guys, please stop," implores coach Ortiz. "There's no fighting in mixed martial arts."
Um, Tito?
Anyway, Hawaii Five-O and Bag of Hammers fight. Or, more accurately, they wrestle like kids on a schoolyard, eager to impress that girl by the monkey bars and not too keen on getting their hair mussed up. It goes into the third round, and when the hugfest comes to a close the judges are left holding the ball, forced to decide who gets to go to recess and who gets detention. Hawaii Five-O is awarded the "W". He raises his arms in victory, his muscles glistening in the light.
"Woof," says Joe Feminine. "Did it just get hot in here?"
No, Joe. Just ghey.
(Pronounced "sweetie, you look fierce in that dress!")
Predictions for Strikeforce: "Nashville", or "STFU! The Damn Thing Is Free!"
Say what you want about Strikeforce and its latest CBS offering – “This is make or break for them,” “Where’s my damn Fedor?” or “I have trouble finding Nashville on the map. Is it in France?” But the bottom line is this: we get to watch Dan Henderson stomp Jake Shields, Gegard Mousasi put his fist through King Mo’s torso and Shinya Aoki detach Gilbert Melendez’s leg and toss it into the audience, and we get to watch it for free. So shut your trap! Predictions:
- Jason Miller is fighting Tim Stout, which is the equivalent of speeding up an entire season of MTV’s “The Real World” so it’s condensed into one 15-minute mass of confusion. And no, I have no idea what that means. Miller via rear naked choke and funny faces.
- Aoki sucks at wrestling and striking, but the dude is the master of grievous injuries brought about by slick submissions. After Saturday night, Melendez will be walking with a limp for at least two months.
- Muhammad Lawal is a very promising up-and-comer with heavy hands and a killer wrestling background. Unfortunately, his biggest win to date is against Mike “I washed out of TUF” Whitehead. Mousasi is going to smoke him like a hookah stuffed with funky Armenian tobacco.
- I have no idea what that means.
- Henderson versus Shields? Bye-bye Jake. We hardly knew ya.
Weekend Schedule
This weekend is a busy one if you like combat sports. Friday is Lou Neglia's Ring of Combat 29 in Atlantic City, and as usual, the card is stacked with a ton of top Northeast talent. Then on Saturday you have the latest edition of Strikeforce on CBS, which is woefully short on Kimbo and Fedor but it does feature someone named Dan Henderson taking on Jake Shields. I don't know who this Henderson cat is, but MMA on free TV is MMA on free TV, so… Also on Saturday night is Take On Production's April installment of the New York Showdown, which is a Muay Thai card in the heart of Flushing Chinatown in Queens. Expect MMA Journalist to at some point this weekend pick up his BlackBerry and write a word or two and possibly snap a pic.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The Return of Hazem Ibrahim
This Friday will see another installment of Ring of Combat in Atlantic City, a notable event because it features heavyweight star-on-the-rise Gian Villante, bantamweight killer Nick Pace and green-haired flyweight demon Louis Gaudinot, but also because it promises to see the return of Hazem Ibrahim. Who? Set your time machine to 2003, to Reality Fighting 3 at Marist High School in Bayonne. That guy trampling his opponent like a renegade bull? That’s Ibrahim, and he’ll go on to become a Ricardo Almeida-trained jiu-jitsu brown belt and one of the Garden State’s toughest light-heavyweights. And though his last two ventures into the ring may have ended in defeat – a pair of losses to future UFC competitor Tim Boetsch back in 2006 and 2007 – you can’t say the man hasn’t been sharpening his skills. Since then, he’s snagged a no-gi championship and taken third at the jiu-jitsu Pan-Ams, and now runs his own school in East Brunswick. Check out ROC for knockout specialists Villiante, Pace and Gaudinot, but don’t overlook the returning Egyptian warrior. Ibrahim can scrap.
Confirmed: UFC a Tangled Web of Lies and Deceit
This just in: Despite assurances from UFC Chief Carnival Barker Dana White that the proposed Tito Ortiz/Chuck Liddell match-up was still on, Liddell will instead be facing Rich Franklin at UFC 115 – a development no doubt related to Ortiz’s coaching stint on TUF 11 and the former light-heavyweight champ’s mysterious tweets during filming that hinted at an injury. Of course, the underlying issue here isn’t that Ortiz may be hurt or that Ortiz vs. Liddell III is off, but that White outright lied to reporters when confronted with the question of whether the fight was a "go". Sadly, this only reaffirms the notion that the UFC is a tangled web of lies and deceit. For your edification, MMA Journalist has compiled a list of White’s other more-notable fibs and untruths below.
Dana White has said…
- “Kimbo Slice sucks, is bad for the sport, and will never fight in the UFC.”
- “This is the best season of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ ever.”
- “This is the craziest season of ‘The Ultimate Fighter’ ever.”
- “I actually watch ‘The Ultimate Fighter’.”
- “The hatred between Tito Ortiz and Ken Shamrock is real.”
- “Rashad Evans and Quinton Jackson really don’t like each other.”
- “BJ Penn and Jens Pulver… man, the tension… it’s a powder keg!”
- “Dan Henderson’s anger towards Michael Bisping… it’s so real, it scares me.”
- “I was at the Bellagio buffet and I had to step in between Matt Serra and Matt Hughes. There was one pork chop left, and they were literally ready to kill each other for it.”
- “I do this for the fans. I love them all.”
- “Mixed martial arts is going to be bigger worldwide than soccer. And I truly believe that!”
Monday, April 12, 2010
A Hero's Welcome
It seems newly-crowned UFC lightweight champ Frankie Edgar got a well-deserved hero's welcome upon his return to Tom's River on Sunday (link here: http://www.app.com/article/20100411/NEWS/100411047/Sirens-fanfare-as-UFC-champ-returns-home ). This is pure awesomeness on so many levels, especially since you don't get more homegrown than Edgar. He literally worked his way up from the UCL to Sportfighting, Reality Fighting and Ring of Combat to the UFC, and though everyone who ever sat ringside for one of his local bouts knew he was a stud, the idea that he'd be able to dethrone the legendary BJ Penn seemed like a longshot at best. Bravo, Frankie. Bravo.
Observations from My Couch: UFC 112 "Holy Crap Frankie Did It!"
- How the hell did Kendall Grove lose? He practically had Mark Munoz unconscious, bound and gagged, and set on fire with gasoline. That bout was like watching an old Bruce Willis action flick.
- I am unmoved by Rafael dos Anjos’ ability to submit one of the UFC’s British “B” team members. It is the equivalent of tapping out someone on the junior varsity team.
- Phil Davis defeated Alexander Gustafsson… and why should I care?
- Watching Renzo lose was painful. Watching him lose the same way Paul Varelans lost to Marco Ruas at UFC 7 back in 1995… well, that just plain-old sucked.
- Kudos to Demian Maia for making the most of a bout where his opponent decided halfway through that he no longer wanted to be a fighter and instead wanted to be a ballerina.
- The only time I’d want to see Anderson Silva fight again is if it’s when Vitor Belfort or Chael Sonnen are beating his head in.
- Frankie Edgar didn’t just out-work BJ Penn, he started up a small business, hustled and grew the damn thing into a corporate empire.
Friday, April 9, 2010
April 2010 Independent World MMA Rankings
The April 2010 Men's Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites. In addition to the numerous MMA web sites that publish the Independent World MMA Rankings, you can also access the rankings at any time by going to http://www.independentworldmmarankings.com/.
Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel. These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (Fight Opinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Freelance); Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Jim Murphy (The Savage Science); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion); Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Head Kick Legend).
Note: Due to the fact that Joachim Hansen has moved to the featherweight division, he is no longer eligible to be ranked in the lightweight division. He is, however, eligible to be ranked in the featherweight division.
April 2010 Men's Independent World MMA Rankings
Ballots collected on April 6, 2010
Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (31-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Brock Lesnar (4-1)
3. Shane Carwin (12-0)
4. Cain Velasquez (8-0)
5. Frank Mir (13-5)
6. Junior dos Santos (11-1)
7. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (32-6-1, 1 No Contest)
8. Brett Rogers (10-1)
9. Alistair Overeem (32-11, 1 No Contest)
10. Fabricio Werdum (13-4-1)
Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (16-0)
2. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-4)
3. Rashad Evans (14-1-1)
4. Anderson Silva (25-4)
5. Gegard Mousasi (27-2-1)
6. Forrest Griffin (17-6)
7. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (18-3)
8. Dan Henderson (25-7)
9. Thiago Silva (14-2)
10. Jon Jones (10-1)
Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (25-4)
2. Dan Henderson (25-7)
3. Chael Sonnen (24-10-1)
4. Nathan Marquardt (29-9-2)
5. Vitor Belfort (19-8)
6. Demian Maia (12-1)
7. Jake Shields (24-4-1)
8. Robbie Lawler (17-5, 1 No Contest)
9. Yushin Okami (24-5)
10. Ronaldo "Jacare" Souza (11-2, 1 No Contest)
Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (20-2)
2. Jon Fitch (22-3, 1 No Contest)
3. Thiago Alves (16-6)
4. Josh Koscheck (14-4)
5. Paulo Thiago (13-1)
6. Nick Diaz (21-7, 1 No Contest)
7. Dan Hardy (23-7, 1 No Contest)
8. Matt Hughes (43-7)
9. Paul Daley (23-8-2)
10. Matt Serra (10-6)
Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (15-5-1)
2. Shinya Aoki (23-4, 1 No Contest)
3. Eddie Alvarez (19-2)
4. Kenny Florian (13-4)
5. Tatsuya Kawajiri (26-5-2)
6. Gray Maynard (9-0, 1 No Contest)
7. Frankie Edgar (11-1)
8. Gilbert Melendez (17-2)
9. Diego Sanchez (21-3)
10. Tyson Griffin (14-2)
Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Jose Aldo (16-1)
2. Mike Brown (23-5)
3. Urijah Faber (23-3)
4. Hatsu Hioki (20-4-2)
5. Bibiano Fernandes (8-2)
6. Marlon Sandro (16-1)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (18-3)
8. Raphael Assuncao (14-2)
9. Michihiro Omigawa (9-8-1)
10. Manny Gamburyan (10-4)
Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Dominick Cruz (15-1)
2. Brian Bowles (8-1)
3. Joseph Benavidez (12-1)
4. Miguel Torres (37-3)
5. Scott Jorgensen (9-3)
6. Takeya Mizugaki (12-4-2)
7. Masakatsu Ueda (10-1-2)
8. Damacio Page (15-4)
9. Wagnney Fabiano (13-2)
10. Akitoshi Tamura (14-8-2)
The Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.
The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.
The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.
Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.
Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.
Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.
Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.
Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.
Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel. These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (Fight Opinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Freelance); Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Jim Murphy (The Savage Science); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion); Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Head Kick Legend).
Note: Due to the fact that Joachim Hansen has moved to the featherweight division, he is no longer eligible to be ranked in the lightweight division. He is, however, eligible to be ranked in the featherweight division.
April 2010 Men's Independent World MMA Rankings
Ballots collected on April 6, 2010
Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (31-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Brock Lesnar (4-1)
3. Shane Carwin (12-0)
4. Cain Velasquez (8-0)
5. Frank Mir (13-5)
6. Junior dos Santos (11-1)
7. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (32-6-1, 1 No Contest)
8. Brett Rogers (10-1)
9. Alistair Overeem (32-11, 1 No Contest)
10. Fabricio Werdum (13-4-1)
Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (16-0)
2. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-4)
3. Rashad Evans (14-1-1)
4. Anderson Silva (25-4)
5. Gegard Mousasi (27-2-1)
6. Forrest Griffin (17-6)
7. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (18-3)
8. Dan Henderson (25-7)
9. Thiago Silva (14-2)
10. Jon Jones (10-1)
Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (25-4)
2. Dan Henderson (25-7)
3. Chael Sonnen (24-10-1)
4. Nathan Marquardt (29-9-2)
5. Vitor Belfort (19-8)
6. Demian Maia (12-1)
7. Jake Shields (24-4-1)
8. Robbie Lawler (17-5, 1 No Contest)
9. Yushin Okami (24-5)
10. Ronaldo "Jacare" Souza (11-2, 1 No Contest)
Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (20-2)
2. Jon Fitch (22-3, 1 No Contest)
3. Thiago Alves (16-6)
4. Josh Koscheck (14-4)
5. Paulo Thiago (13-1)
6. Nick Diaz (21-7, 1 No Contest)
7. Dan Hardy (23-7, 1 No Contest)
8. Matt Hughes (43-7)
9. Paul Daley (23-8-2)
10. Matt Serra (10-6)
Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (15-5-1)
2. Shinya Aoki (23-4, 1 No Contest)
3. Eddie Alvarez (19-2)
4. Kenny Florian (13-4)
5. Tatsuya Kawajiri (26-5-2)
6. Gray Maynard (9-0, 1 No Contest)
7. Frankie Edgar (11-1)
8. Gilbert Melendez (17-2)
9. Diego Sanchez (21-3)
10. Tyson Griffin (14-2)
Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Jose Aldo (16-1)
2. Mike Brown (23-5)
3. Urijah Faber (23-3)
4. Hatsu Hioki (20-4-2)
5. Bibiano Fernandes (8-2)
6. Marlon Sandro (16-1)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (18-3)
8. Raphael Assuncao (14-2)
9. Michihiro Omigawa (9-8-1)
10. Manny Gamburyan (10-4)
Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Dominick Cruz (15-1)
2. Brian Bowles (8-1)
3. Joseph Benavidez (12-1)
4. Miguel Torres (37-3)
5. Scott Jorgensen (9-3)
6. Takeya Mizugaki (12-4-2)
7. Masakatsu Ueda (10-1-2)
8. Damacio Page (15-4)
9. Wagnney Fabiano (13-2)
10. Akitoshi Tamura (14-8-2)
The Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.
The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.
The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.
Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.
Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.
Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.
Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.
Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.
Mitch the Intern’s TUF 11 Recap: Episode 2
There’s punch drunk, which is a neurological affliction that affects your cognitive abilities and coherence after suffering repeated blows to the head, and then there’s punch intoxicated-like-a-white-trash-uncle-at-his-nephew's-wedding-reception-in-the-trailer-park. Chuck Liddell is the latter.
“The Iceman” is so wasted, athletic commissions give him Breathalyzer tests before allowing him into locker rooms. He’s so wasted, he once mistook a hot dog cart for his car and got 15 miles down the highway before the police pulled him over and informed him of his mistake. He’s so wasted, he’s convinced “Dancing with the Stars” was a fight tournament in
In short, the man is pure comedy.
First, though, the TUFers are let loose upon their new temporary housing/prison/fishbowl/den of pranks and homoeroticism. Who designs this place? Dr. Seuss? Cypress Hill sprints to a bedroom to claim it but tumbles down a slide made of candy canes into a chocolate pond. Ronnie Kray (yes, the British gangster) picks the room with pictures of assorted fruit on the wall (“These snozzberries taste like snozzberries!”) and Fruit Striped Gum is trapped in a giant glass cube full of bubbles. Congrats, guys.
Then it’s time to pick the teams. Dana is present to flip the ceremonial “f-ing coin”, and coach Tito Ortiz ends up with the first choice. He picks people that mean nothing to us, as we’ve only seen bits and pieces of their fights and none of their training, and Liddell does the same, calling out garbled syllables and gesturing with his hand, even inviting the gym’s janitor, Nevada athletic commission honcho Keith Kizer and a SpikeTV boom operator to join in his cause.
“Is it me or did Chuck’s choices suck?” Dana says to Ortiz when the dust settles.
“I alternate between hating and badmouthing you and liking and respecting you depending upon the stage of my contract,” Ortiz replies.
“I know what I’m doing,” says Liddell, and he picks up a stationary exercise bike, carries it outside and attempts to ride it to the local store for a snack run.
Oh no! Fruit Striped Gum is all banged up from the fight that got him into the TUF House, and he may or may not have a torn rotator cuff, scurvy, scabies and potato famine. Hearing this, Ortiz jumps on his back – literally – and rides him – literally – to, I don’t know, motivate him to work through it? Come across like a douche? Get close to another man? Who knows.
It’s time for choosing the first fight, and as Ortiz got first pick of the fighters, Liddell gets to decide who gets into the Octagon. He chooses Crocodile Dundee versus the water fountain, a decision that leads to confusion. Eventually, Dana convinces him to pick someone else, so Liddell picks Fruit Striped Gum.
Back at the house and it’s prank time!
It’s the next day and the doctor lays out Fruit Striped Gum’s MRI and talks about what he sees. “No damage to your rotator cuff, no damage to your muscle tissue, just fluid on your bones, a bad hairstyle and a flavor-stripe down your middle.”
Then we get some insight into Team Liddell’s Crocodile Dundee. Yes, he’s Australian, and apparently
Lest we forget that there’s supposed to be some sort of drama between the coaches, Ortiz hangs a piñata that looks like Liddell. It’s tougher and can even fight better than Liddell, absorbing a number of blows to the cranium before going down for the count and being carried out on a stretcher.
Fight time, and Crocodile Dundee and Fruit Striped Gum circle, engage, and mix it up. Fruit Striped Gum quickly finds himself in a triangle choke, tapping out.
Post-fight and Fruit Striped Gum is dejected. Ortiz, ever the coach, pleads for him to join him on the mat for some drilling of the defense to triangle chokes. I guess it never occurred to Ortiz to teach his wards this stuff before their fights, eh?
Fade to black.
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