Friday, December 3, 2010
Liveblog: ROC 33 Part 3
Liveblog: ROC 33 Part 2
Liveblog: ROC 33 Part 1
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Mitch the Intern's TUF 12 Recap: Episode 11
*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*
And so we come to the end, the final double episode where all loose ends are tied up and all targeted demographics that were overlooked get their time in the sun. For the alien viewers, we're treated to Na'vi/Muppet hybrid Jonathan skulking in the foliage of the TUF House backyard. For the gays, we're treated to Banh Mi spanking it in the shower and a half dozen dudes watching and giggling like girls. For the subscribers of "Facial Hair Weekly", we're treated to Dr. Watson going from a full beard to a goatee to a clean-shaven mug in the span of six narrated sentences. But first!
Team Josh Kosh B'Gosh, who - aside from Banh Mi - all got their asses kicked and are now just killing time and stealing anything not nailed down, are having a group therapy session, venting about what they feel was substandard training. You see, coach Georges St. Christ I Can't Understand Him brought in an assortment of guest coaches, like convicted rapist Mike Tyson, Crazy Drunk French Muay Thai Guy, some wrestler, a jazz pianist and a rabbi who specializes in cooking kosher food. Meanwhile, they were stuck with the staff from American Kickboxing Academy, and what the hell does a kickboxing school know about mixed martial arts?
To accentuate the team's dissatisfaction, Marky-Marc begins doing impressions of Josh Kosh B'Gosh. This includes him spraying Chris Leben with a hose, getting knocked out by Paulo Thiago, and winning 13 out of 17 UFC fights. In true comedic fashion, Josh Kosh B'Gosh walks in at the end of the routine, but one can only assume he approves, as he steps behind the bar and starts pouring everyone shots.
Meanwhile, nestled among the branches of a large tree out back, Jonathan talks of being humble, and never losing sight of who he is and who he wants to be. Also, these damn humans are annoying with their cars and pollution and microwave ovens.
"Damn humans," Jonathan hisses while dangling upside down, his tail twitching to and fro.
Back in the TUF House and everyone is conspiring. You see, they suspect Banh Mi has been beating his meat in the shower, and as roughly forty percent of the show's advertising sales comes from gay-targeted products, something "fabulous" must be done.
"I say we throw a party with streamers and a karaoke machine that plays only show tunes," says Armenian Fighter Wannabe #34.
"No, no, no," says Bruce Leroy. "We should all dress up as our favorite female performers and have a dance-off. I'll be Diana Ross."
Eye-run Wal-king Some snaps his fingers. "I've got it! Let's run into the bathroom while he's taking a shower!"
And so they do, and the camera dutifully follows them in so we can see a naked Banh Mi looking dismayed as he reaches for a towel.
At the gym and Dr. Watson is preparing. First, by doing some light exercises, then by changing his facial hairstyle from "mountain man" to "Old West villain" to "hipster" to "young dude going out on his first date". While this transformation is going on, Dr. Watson is narrating, something about fighting and ditching his girlfriend and his dogs and how he learned to be a master of disguise to keep his girlfriend and dogs from ever finding him.
Thankfully, it's time for Jonathan and Dr. Watson to fight, and once they start mixing it up, it becomes apparent that Jonathan won't have as easy a time as he did in his earlier bouts. That is to say, in the first couple minutes Dr. Watson manages to pop him a few times in the chops with his fists. But then it's all Jonathan until the final bell of the third round, the alien creature throwing Dr. Watson around and battering him with punches nonstop. Jonathan takes the unanimous decision, thereby earning himself a berth in the finals.
Next up is Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids, and for being a dude who takes showers naked and may or may not be touching himself, Banh Mi is ostracized and ridiculed and made to wear a scarlet "A" on his TUF jersey. Even Jonathan, who strives to keep himself apart from "those filthy Earthlings", notices how completely alone Banh Mi is.
"Humans. Damn," says Jonathan from his hiding place in the hollowed-out insides of a stump.
And then it's time for Banh Mi and Chris Rock on Steroids to fight. True to form, the Vietnamese Ecstasy dealer lets himself get beat on throughout the first round, though when taken down he does dish some right back in the form of elbows to the head. Still, despite landing some hellacious body shots in Round 2, Banh Mi continues to take punishment, with Chris Rock on Steroids throwing wildly and landing about a third of the time. Both men are exhausted in the final round, but neither gives up, and up until the end they're throwing hard. The split decision goes to Chris Rock on Steroids.
And there you have it, the final TUF 12 match-up between Jonathan the alien/Muppet/God-knows-what thingy versus Chris Rock on Steroids. But if there's anything to take away from this season, any pertinent fact to file away and keep in mind for future use, it's: GEORGES ST. PIERRE CAN'T SPEAK COHERENT ENGLISH. DO NOT GIVE HIM ANY MORE SPEAKING ROLES.
The end.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
UFC vs. Strikeforce: What to Watch on Saturday If You Don't Have DVR
Woe to the unfortunate MMA fan without a DVR or TIVO, for this Saturday night there are two compelling MMA events on television. On SpikeTV there’s the Ultimate Fighter 12 Finale, which is headlined by Stephan Bonnar versus some Croatian scrub and features an as-yet unrevealed TUF 12 final pairing. Meanwhile, Showtime’s got Strikeforce, which is headlined by Dan Henderson and Babalu and features the best guys on the number two MMA organization’s roster. So which one is worthy of your viewing time? For your consideration, MMA Journalist has put together a scorecard.
- Dan Henderson, Strikeforce – Thanks to a few decades of testosterone replacement therapy, the 67-year old Henderson has managed to remain competitive in a sport that favors the young. And although he was dry-humped almost to death in his last bout (against Jake Shields), Henderson absolutely murdered Michael Bisping in the fight before that, proving that this former Pride champ can still bring it. Advantage: Strikeforce.
- Stephan Bonnar, TUF 12 Finale – You’ve got to love Bonnar. After all, if not for his epic with Forrest Griffin at the first TUF finale, we’d all be watching “Knight Rider” reruns on Saturday night instead of free mixed martial arts. But with seven losses in the Octagon, you have to realize by now that the “American Pyscho” is on the payroll for reasons other than his top-level fighting. Bonnar definitely can bring it, but is that “it” worth tuning in for? Advantage: Strikeforce.
- Paul Daley, Strikeforce – Not long ago, Daley was the next big thing in the welterweight division and on the fast-track to facing Georges St. Pierre for his UFC belt. Unfortunately, the exciting Brit striker has a problem keeping his cool, and he was booted from the organization for a very illegal – and very douchey – post-fight punch. And now Strikeforce is paying him? Boo. Advantage: TUF 12 Finale.
- Finalist #1 vs. Finalist #2, TUF 12 Finale – How are we supposed to get excited about a fight we know nothing about? Unless Kimbo is competing, we can’t. Advantage: Strikeforce.
- Matt Lindland, Strikeforce – Ugh. Advantage: TUF 12 Finale.
- Kendall Grove, TUF 12 Finale – He may have won TUF 3, but Grove has always skirted the line between “marginable Octagon talent” and “UFC failure”. So much so that it’s actually quite fun to watch him fight now, as you never know which stinker performance is going to get him axed. Advantage: TUF 12 Finale.
- Robbie Lawler, Scott Smith and Benji Radach, Strikeforce – These UFC refugees all share two things in common: they can be spectacular when they want to be, and they can suck when they’re indifferent. Who will show up on Saturday night? The Lawler that wrecked Melvin Manhoef? The Smith that crumbled to Cung Le? The Radach that smoked Ninja? Who knows, but with all three on the card, the odds are good that we’ll see at least someone shine. Advantage: Strikeforce.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Cage Fury Fighting Championship's Greatest Hits
So the Cage Fury Fighting Championship has rebooted and will be returning to Atlantic City in February, which should be great news for both fans and fighters alike looking for another dose of fistic goodness. “Wait,” you may say. “Didn’t the CFFC crash and burn years ago?” Why yes, they did. But until that fateful day when their moneyman saw how much every fighter was being paid and pulled the plug, they were kicking ass like no other promotion before (and few since). Therefore, a walk down memory lane is in order. Get ready for… CFFC’s greatest hits!
- Kimbo vs. Ray Mercer – Once upon a time there was this big, scary dude who would fight people in backyards and the bouts would be posted on the Internet. Everyone thought he was badass, so an MMA match-up – against a former heavyweight boxing champ, no less – was in order. And that’s how we got Kimbo Slice vs. Ray Mercer, which was an exhibition bout and the main event of CFFC 5.
- Josh Rhodes – Josh Rhodes was to face-punching what dynamite is to blowing holes in cave walls, and he was the CFFC light-heavyweight champ. Seriously, no one could stand with this guy, and the West Virginian retired undefeated when CFFC bit the dust.
- Tamdan McCrory – Before he made it to the UFC, Tamdan McCrory established himself as a badass in Northeast with three consecutive dominant performances in CFFC. Watching McCrory then was like watching a runaway freight train loaded with fissionable nuclear material: scary up close, but fun to watch if you’re not caught in the mushroom cloud.
- Dante Rivera, Alexis Aquino and their postfight riot – In 2007 Alexis Aquino was pure, unbridled meanness. Dante Rivera, meanwhile, was your everyday hero. When they met their battle was epic, and when Rivera ended it with a heelhook, the postfight brawl that erupted in the cage between Rhino Fight Team and Ricardo Almeida’s BJJ academy was just as epic. Thankfully, cooler heads prevailed and nothing got too out of hand. But for a second there, it looked like that scene in West Side Story where the two gangs snap their fingers and dance and sing. Only with no snapping fingers, dancing or singing. Be cool, Frankie Edgar, be cool!
- 7,300 people – That’s how many spectators packed into Boardwalk Hall to watch Kimbo and Mercer fight, and outside of UFC events, that’s a whole hell of a lot of people. Hopefully, CFFC can get creative with their matchmaking and recapture some of that magic.
DaMMAge Fight League Postscript
(Pardon the lateness, book manuscript was due to publisher and all that. What? You don't care? Well suck it.) Good show. Attendance was dismal, but that has to be attributed to the holiday the next day - who wants to go to Atlantic City the night before Thanksgiving? But those who did were treated to Jonathan Helwig's bloody return to combat, Chris Liguori's handling of John Salgado, and Tara LaRosa's gritty win over a very tough Takayo Hashi. One has to wonder what more LaRosa has to do to get a slot in Strikeforce… maybe kill someone? The pro scene in New Jersey has been getting pretty crowded lately, but if DaMMAge keeps producing quality, they're certainly a worthwhile addition.