Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 3

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Team America: World Police is not yet complete, as four angry young men have to fight to fill the last remaining two slots, plus we haven't yet seen the TUF house and the dorm room-on-steroids decor that will ultimately be destroyed. So zoom in to the house, in a quiet Las Vegas neighborhood powered by the endless energy produced by Dana White's F-bombs. A pool table stands proud. A mural struts gayly. And as Team America: World Police enters, no one takes notice of the six-feet tall anthropomorphic chicken sitting with his legs crossed in a chair in the corner, reading a copy of tomorrow's New York Times. The chicken ignores them. For now.

Team UK enters the house and they're greeted warmly. The Pikey bareknuckle boxing champ known as James Wilks makes a beeline for the silverware and starts stealing. Right-O-Old-Chap speaks incomprehensibly. The American known as Junie Browning's Little Brother sees the free alcohol and furiously begins guzzling it. Soon, when everyone meets on the basketball court outside, Junie Browning's Little Brother starts lobbing eggs - a cry for attention for sure, but also a cry for love. "Love me," he seems to say. "Please. Love me."

The chicken looks up from the newspaper. His eyes narrow. He shakes his head.

Back outside and the accent-heavy Brits and embarrassed Americans make some sort of accord. Thanks to loose bodily fluids, last season scored well in the gay fetish demographic. They vow to avoid that. Then, inside the house, Junie Browning's Little Brother begins threatening people, hitting them with eggs and pleading in his thick Southern drawl, "Please, just love me."

The chicken scowls. Turns the page of his New York Times.

The next day comes and they train, Team America: World Police with the Queen of England and her wrestling, Team UK with Michael Bisping. (When Bisping enters he blames his late arrival on visa problems, which is British slang for "a few days at the spa with Dana, laughing through seaweed wraps and dual-massages".) In the kitchen of the TUF training center Bisping speaks garbled Olde English to the Marquis de Johnson, which aggravates the Marquis de Johnson as Olde English died out with the Anglo-Saxons and no one speaks it anymore.

Back at the house again, and the four who must fight to... get into a house they're already staying in? Remain in a house they're already staying in? Drink more free alcohol? I don't know. But the four who must fight speak of their lives and motivations and need for love. Meanwhile, the giant anthropomorphic chicken reads Nietzsche, glances at Junie Browning's Little Brother, scowls.

Then they are fighting. Someone from California squares off against someone... from Iowa... who talks... incredibly... slow. They wrestle and grapple and punch, and then the slow... talker... from Iowa... bangs his head against the floor of the Octagon until he is unconscious because he'd prefer to be asleep for his opponent's kimura attempt instead of countering it. The referee stops the bout and... Mr Iowa... asks... what... happened... then... concludes... that he... beat himself... If that were the case, then wouldn't "himself" get into the TUF house?

Finally Junie Browning's Little Brother fights, which consists of him curling up into a ball in a corner, covering up and saying "Please love me! Please love me!" over and over again. His opponent is awarded the TKO win. Now Team America: World Police is set.

And back at the TUF house, the chicken goes back to his Nietzsche book, his face revealing no expression at all.

Response to Shady Promoter's Attorney

"Thank you for your timely response. Please convey to your client Rick Huddleston that for the sake of fairness and truth I am eager to get his side of the story. The other interviews I've conducted, as well as the public records concerning his legal history, certainly don't paint him in a favorable light and I would like the mixed martial arts community to have as accurate a story as possible.

As for your assertion that claims made by myself on my blog are false, your simple declaration that they are false does not make it so - especially when the statements of the injured parties connected to the March 21st Kansas City-area Close Quarter Combat event are considered. Mr. Huddleston did not pay the fighters and the check he wrote to the venue bounced. That sounds like a prima facie "screwing" to me, and clearly not a violation of the "actual malice" standard put forth in New York Times Co. v. Sullivan. Please explain how it is not a "screwing" and I will be happy to post a retraction.

Concerning your assumption that Sullivan does not apply to Mr. Huddleston as he "is not a public official or public figure", I could point to Associated Press v. Walker, Curtis Publishing Company v. Butts, Time, Inc. v Hill, Hustler Magazine Inc. v. Falwell, Rosenbloom v. Metromedia and Philadelphia Newspapers Inc. v. Hepps, which expanded Sullivan's standard to include prominent business leaders and sports figures, affirmed that matters of public interest are a form of protected speech, and placed the burden of proof squarely on your shoulders in proving the alleged falseness of any claims I may make. I could go on but will instead refrain, suffice to say that I still relish the chance to engage Mr. Huddleston and your firm in a battle over First Amendment rights and issues of "freedom of the press".

I look forward to speaking to you - to "clear the air" as you've suggested. Information on Full Contact Fighter is widely available on the Internet.


Sincerely,
MMA Journalist"

More From Shady Promoter's Attorney

"I have placed a call to my client regarding your interview. He will not be speaking to you directly. However, I will make a few comments on his behalf if he authorizes me to do so. I feel that it is very important to clarify a few points.

1. Shady Kansas City Promotion Trying to Screw One of Fred Ettish's Fighters. (FALSE)
2. "A shady Kansas City-based promotion called CQC, which held an event in the KC area on March 21st, is trying to screw one of Fred Ettish's fighters." (FALSE)

These are both false statements and I have duly notified you, through my cease and desist letter, that these statements are false. I'm glad you cited New York v. Sullivan in your email dated April 6, 2009. That case stated: public officials cannot recover in a defamation suit unless he/she can show the statement was made with "'actual malice' - that is, with knowledge that it was false or with reckless disregard of whether it was false or not." I am telling you for the second time that Rick Huddleston is not trying to screw any fighter. If you continue to publish articles stating that he is, you will be making statements in "reckless disregard of whether it was false or not." Furthermore, New York v. Sullivan is only relevant in regard to "government and public officials." Rick Huddleston is not a public official or public figure. He is a private individual.

Ultimately, I would like to speak to you, on behalf of Mr. Huddleston, to clear the air. While I am not at liberty to discuss much of the factual information relating to this case, I have some information that I would like to provide for you. This information should be quite helpful to you in your search for the "truth" in this present matter. I don't know if you have spoken to Mr. Francis or Mr. Kuny (Francis' attorney), but I do not believe it would be ethical for me to reveal all facts relating to the present breach of contract dispute.

In closing, I would like some information from you, in return for the information I will be providing you. You are the editor for Full Contact Fighter Magazine. I would like some information about this publication. Corporate office? Address? Number? In case I ever need to contact you directly.

Sincerely,

Shady Promoter's attorney"

MMA Journalist on Radio Show Last Night

Check out the Ground & Pound Radio show, which featured MMA Journalist rapping about UFC 97. Link here: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/stations/fantasysportschannel/mmamadnessradio/2009/04/15/Ground-Pound-Radio .

Scott Coker Explains Strikeforce's Payouts

The California State Athletic Commission released the official payouts for Strikeforce's "Shamrock vs. Diaz" magnum opus at the HP Pavilion in San Jose last weekend, and the numbers have managed to raise more than a few eyebrows. MMA Journalist contacted Strikeforce High Priest Scott Coker for an explanation on some of the purses and the veteran promoter was more than forthcoming with his responses.

• On Frank Shamrock receiving $369,790: "Frank is a pioneer and a legend in the sport. However, his best days are behind him and now he fights because he needs the money. So really, we're giving him the money so we hopefully don't have to see him fight much more. Boy, did his performance the other night suck or what?"
• On Nick Diaz receiving only $39,950 for defeating Shamrock: "Actually, that's the amount of cash Nick was paid. He was also given a bale of marijuana, which was part of his contract. He's pretty happy."
• On Cris "Cyborg" Santos getting paid $18,000 while Hitomi Akano only made $1,450: "They were paid by the pound."
• On Shingo Kohara and Jeremy Tavares making only $940 each: "Dude, do you even know who they are? I still don't, and they fought on my show!"

ROC 24 Bouts to Watch

This Friday is another installment of promoter Lou Neglia's Ring of Combat (ROC 24, to be exact), and as regional MMA shows go, this one is looking pretty killer. Here are a few match-ups to keep an eye on:

• Dom Stanco vs. Charles Oliveira de Silva - As previously mentioned on this blog, Stanco is a big puncher from Bellmore Kickboxing and Oliveira de Silva is a Gold Team Fighters jiu-jitsu/Muay Thai specialist. This bout can go one of two ways: Stanco will either knock Oliveira de Silva out or Oliveira de Silva will submit him, and because Stanco has been doing this a while and trains with some solid jiu-jitsu guys himself, I'm leaning toward the former happening before the latter.
• Ricardo Romero vs. James McSweeney - Romero is one of the best in the Northeast at light-heavyweight and heavyweight, whereas McSweeney has been in the cage with the likes of Mustapha Al Turk and Neil Grove. This should be a slight step up in competition for Romero, and a decent test for his wrestling and ground-and-pound skills.
• Dante Rivera vs. Lamont Lister - Two game and experienced dudes going at it. This one should be a crowd-pleaser.
• Will Martinez vs. Al Iaquinta - Iaquinta may have beaten Martinez when they were amateurs, but since then Martinez has been at Fight Factory working out with folks like Eddie Alvarez and Steve Haigh. Will he be able to derail the Iaquinta train?
• "Crazy" Chris Schlesinger vs. Shawn Forman - Schlesinger's got skills and fights at a frantic pace, while Forman is a young up-and-comer with an extensive amateur record before turning pro. No one will be laying and praying in this bout.
• Louis Gaudinot vs. Chris Aquino - TSMMA rep Gaudinto nearly decapitated some wrestler with a spinning backfist at a recent Asylum Fight League event, so he will always have my attention. Watch out for his striking.

Top Five Most Unprofessional Journalists in Press Row

Press row. That sacred space where sharp minds watch and analyze all that transpires so fans can gain a fresh perspective on the action in and out of the cage. In theory at least. The truth is, reality is usually far less glamorous. Since 2001 MMA Journalist has been sitting in press row (at underground shows, that means you're the guy standing next to the ring with the notebook; at a UFC, EliteXC or IFL, you're just a few feet too far to be able to catch a fighter's errant tooth), and in that time I've seen some very talented individuals, as well as some complete tools. Here are the top five most unprofessional "journalists" to ever grace press row (and yes, the names have been withheld to protect the not-so-innocent):

1. UFC 42, April, 2003 - Almost any clown could get a press pass in Zuffa's earlier days. Such was the case with the idiots sitting behind me at UFC 42 in Miami who were writers for some Florida-based men's fitness newsletter, a pair that guzzled beer nonstop and shouted for Duane "Bang" Ludwig to "kick that chink's ass" when the KOTC veteran was fighting Genki Sudo. Impartiality, douchebags - do you speak it? Curiously, after this event Zuffa began circulating rules as to how journalists were expected to act.
2. IFL, April, 2007 - Networking is fine when amongst your peers, and sportswriters can be pretty social creatures by nature. However, trying to hawk your cheesy old school martial arts magazine during a show? Very not cool. I'm there to write, not be a potential investor in something.
3. Bellator FC, April, 2009 - Screaming for the referee to "stand them up" because the fighters are on the ground is unprofessional. Not being able to recognize that one fighter is back-mounted on the other and working for a choke, and that the two are furiously battling for wrist control, well, that's just lame. Also, declaring that the pair in the cage "suck" and that your out-of-shape middle-aged self could kick their asses - super lame.
4. Cage Fury Fighting Championships 5, June, 2007 - You may be a sportswriter who covers boxing, but you're at an MMA show. Ultimately, that means spewing nonsense about how MMA sucks compared to boxing is a good way to get yourself choked out by a sportswriter who covers MMA - which, incidentally, is what would happen if a boxer faced an MMA fighter.
5. Nearly MMA event ever - If you're a member of the mainstream press and you ask for a spot in press row, you better show up at some point. Or don't. When I see your empty chair I signal my blogging friends a few rows back to move up and take it. At least then the seat is taken up by someone who gives a shit.

A Defeated Frank Shamrock Climbs into His Time Machine to Return to the Past, Taking His 1999 MMA Skills with Him

Frank Shamrock is gone. Fresh off his crushing defeat at the hands of modern MMA competitor Nick Diaz at Saturday night's Strikeforce event, the legendary fighter climbed into his time machine parked under a San Jose overpass to return to the past he'd been visiting us from - a past where the former UFC champ's abilities are still considered cutting edge and groundbreaking. "I've done all I can here," said Shamrock from his seat in the cockpit of the saucer-like contraption. "But I am a man out of time, in the wrong place with the wrong set of skills, so now I must go home." For Shamrock home is 1999. In that era, his melding of kickboxing, submission proficiency and top-notch conditioning sets him apart from the rest of the world's MMA athletes. Today those traits are commonplace. "So long, 2009," said Shamrock, suddenly bathed in the blue glow of a timewarp bubble. "I've got some Australian named Elvis Sinosic to fight." A blinding flash of light later and both Shamrock and the saucer had disappeared.

Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce's "Shamrock vs. Diaz"

• I liked EliteXC and thought the organization was a solid alternative to the UFC brand. Strikeforce is ten times better.
• There was absolutely no shame in Abongo Humphrey's performance. He managed to hang in there with a super-dangerous Brett Rogers. As for Rogers, it's a crime he's been sidelined so long. He could've been knocking out UFC heavyweights all this time.
• Cris Cyborg looked good beating on someone not even remotely her size. Gina Carano is going to kill her.
• Benji Radach vs. Scott Smith was an incredible bout and a candidate for "fight of the year". Warriors like these two men are what MMA is all about. I guarantee Dana White watched that fight, dialed Joe Silva's number and cursed him out for ever letting Radach and Smith go.
• Gilbert Melendez. Meh.
• When he's healthy, and he doesn't have to cut a retarded amount of weight, Nick Diaz is one of the best in the world. No doubt about it.

Bellator FC Postscript

Decent show. The production was top-notch, a few of the bouts were "meh", but they did right by having stars like Wilson Reis and Lyman Good on the card.