Observations From My Couch: TUF 10 Finale

• Marcus Jones looked like an NFL player in there. Matt Mitrione looked like an NFL who knew how to throw a punch.
• Yay, Frankie Edgar beat someone with absolutely no ranking in the division. Can he get a damn title shot now? Or does Joe Silva want him to defeat a homeless man and/or a lion?
• Mark Bocek got a win over who? And wait, who is Mark Bocek again?
• Every minute James McSweeney spends in the Octagon is an insult to ROC champ Ricardo Romero, who smoked McSweeney easily right before TUF.
• Given his grappling improvements, that was the best Kimbo Slice we've ever seen. Too bad it was one of the worst fights ever. I think the UFC out-did EliteXC in that they just didn't pay Houston Alexander to stand up, they paid him to run.
• Matt Hamill gets the award for the most battered and broken "winner" to ever leave the Octagon.
• Roy Nelson is now the Ultimate Fighter. And given the depth of the heavyweight division, that should put him in line for a crack at the belt.

Predictions for TUF 10 Finale: "Kimbo Slice Rides Again!"

Once again a season of TUF draws to a close, and once again viewers are stricken with a profound sense of loss.  Loss at having wasted time watching the damn show, that is.  Yeah, yeah, Kimbo Slice was compelling, and there was thankfully very little white-trash or gay antics peppered throughout like bits of broken glass in a bowl of pork fried rice.  But still, the show is stale.  Does anyone even remember who fought besides Roy Nelson, Brendan Schaub, Kimbo and maybe Marcus Jones?  No!  No one was memorable and nothing happened that was interesting.  Anyway, the TUF 10 live finale is on SpikeTV on Saturday, so… predictions!

• To prepare for his match-up against the portly Nelson, Schaub has been focusing on conditioning, cardio and striking.  To prepare for Schaub, Nelson ate an entire moose, including the horns.  Nelson via TKO.
• Kimbo is facing Houston Alexander.  They’re going to throw bombs, and end up with the first double-knockout in Octagon history.
• Matt Hamill is going to outpoint Jon Jones.  He will not, however, hear Bruce Buffer declare him the winner.
• Frankie Edgar via summers at the Jersey Shore, driving around in a tricked out Iroc-Z with massive amounts of gel in his hair and hours and hours of time spent in a tanning booth.
• Marcus Jones against Matt Mitrione?  The most likeable TUF 10er against the most hated?  Jones by limb-rending submission, and then he’s going to weep from the depths of his heart over the violence.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 11

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

It's the last episode of the season - hooray!  It's two hours long - hooray!  It's jam-packed with fights - hooray!  And it's at times pointless - boo!

Zoom in on the tail-end of Dana White's traditional profanity-ridden speech about career options and each man looking into his own heart and discerning just what it is he wants to do for a living.  Why is Dana giving this speech?  Did a fighter drop out?  Does someone need to fill in for someone else, thereby earning themselves another shot at glory?  No.  Dana just likes giving this speech, apparently.

Then it's time for Dana and Kimbo Slice to talk.  There's no slot for Kimbo to step into, no vacant position for him to come in and swing for the fences while sucking in viewers like a gargantuan ratings Hoover vacuum.  No, Dana just wants to know if Kimbo is willing to fight.  Now.  For no reason at all.  Just frickin' fight.

"Uh, my knee…" says Kimbo sheepishly.

"Ha!" exclaims Dana.  "A real fighter would want to risk injury to fight for nothing on a stupid reality show you're ultimately getting paid zero for taking part in!  You suck!"

"I made 700,000 bucks for my last fight on CBS," Kimbo replies.

"Shut up!"

Meanwhile, Matt Minestrone calls his doctor and says that he's clearing himself to fight.  "My brain cancer is cured," says Matt Minestrone.

"Stop calling me," says the doctor.

Scott Garbage, unfortunately, is seriously injured.  Specifically, since his war with Matt Minestrone, his eyeball keeps falling out, and it must be held in place with Scotch tape.  Sporting wrap-around Terminator shades, he says to the camera, "The doctor says I may never fight again."

Cue sad violin music.

Marcus Jones hears the sad violin music and is severely affected by it, so much so that when he arrives at the TUF training center he gets in Matt Minestrone's face.  "I hear sad music so I am going to crush you," says Marcus Jones, but everyone - despite their abject fear of the behemoth - pulls Marcus Jones away and calms him down.

"It's just music," coach Jackson says to him.  "You have to ignore it.  I hear voices, and I usually ignore them."

But false alarm!  Scott Garbage is okay now!  The doctor has somehow miraculously healed him!

Cue joyful accordion music.

Marcus Jones hears the joyful accordion music and begins dancing a polka, his massive frame hopping around gleefully.

Then it's fight time, with James "I cant understand this guy - I think he's British" McSweeney taking on Matt Minestrone.  We didn't get a lot of James McSweeney this season, and whatever we did get was incoherent ramblings about periwinkle blue caravans and "dahgs", so now it's his time to shine.  And he does, dispatching the big, walking, talking can of Italian tomato-based soup with assorted vegetables with a first-round guillotine choke.

Then it's time for Marcus Jones to face Darrill Spoonodor.  Darrill Spoonodor has never lost before, but weeks of sexual harrassment and groping by coach Jackson has left him fragile.  Marcus Jones takes him down and hits him in the face repeatedly, so much so that Darrill Spoonodor's head bursts open like a overripe watermelon tossed from a speeding truck.

"Titties…?" says coach Jackson, standing forlorn over Darrill Spoonodor's splattered form.

Dana White announces the final match-ups, and it will be Roy "Big Country Fried Steak" Nelson against James McSweeney and Brendan Cottonswab against Marcus Jones.

At this point a TUF producer leans in and whispers into coach Jackson and Evans' ears.  The words "hype" and "sell your fight" and "what the hell are we paying you for?" can be heard.  So Jackson and Evans get in each other's faces, trading "Yo Momma" barbs and grinning and posturing.  Yawn.

And now, for the coveted gay males age 18-65 demographic, comes a prank, with Tiki-Tiki-Head (yes, his head is a giant wooden Hawaiian statue of a head.  God, just leave me alone.) and Jackson painting Team Rashad's warm-up room pink, filling it with stuffed animals and hanging a disco ball. 

Cue ABBA music.

Uh oh.  With the competition nearing its end, the teasing of Zak Jensen is reaching a fevered pitch.  First James McSweeney writes on his head with a magic marker, then he blocks his exit from the bathroom with some open drawers.  Zak Jensen flips!  Oh the fists are flying, each one thrown with all the skill and aplomb of a plucky fifth grader with thick-rimmed glasses, sick and tired of all the wedgies and the days spent stuffed in a locker.  James McSweeney gets the better of Zak Jensen, though, and he defuses the situation by putting Zak Jensen down on all fours and raping him.  The bigger man's rage diminishes into whimpers.

It's time for James McSweeney to fight Roy Nelson, and karma is indeed a bitch, with Nelson wasting no time getting the Brit down and smothering him with his belly.  Afterwards, when the referee pulls Roy Nelson off, James McSweeney is seen coughing, and he eventually pukes up the hoagie that Roy Nelson ate for lunch.

And then it's the final fight, with Marcus Jones getting Brendan Cottonswab down and going to work on top of him.  Oh no, what will Brendan Cottonswab do?  Not lose his cool, it looks like, and he escapes to get back to the feet and stun the bigger, scarier man.  The follow-up punches seal the deal and Brendan Cottonswab is victorious.  The final TUF 10 match-up to decide who is the "Ultimate Not Kimbo": Roy Nelson versus Brendan Cottonswab.

And we're done.

December Calendar

December is shaping up to be a busy month for New York MMA fans.  There are two underground shows slated - one of them Pankration, the other MMA - for upcoming weekends.  There's also an Asylum Fight League scheduled for December 11th in Raritan, New Jersey, with Underground Combat League veteran James Funaro taking on Team Tiger Schulmann instructor Mike Fischetti.  Oh, and remember that bill to legalize MMA in New York that came really, really close to passing this year?  Well, the whole process will soon start all over again, and if you want to cheer bill sponsor Assemblyman Steve Englebright on or give him words of encouragement (or give him offerings of gold, women and wine), he'll be at a public hearing on December 9th in downtown Manhattan.  Athletic Commission programs will be discussed, so if you wear your TapOut shirt and Sprawl shorts, you will be relevant.

Do You Hear That Sound? That's the Sound of Scores of Massachusetts Promoters Crying Out

Massachusetts hopped on board the MMA train today, with the state's governor signing a bill calling for the Massachusetts Boxing Commission to start sanctioning MMA bouts.  That's great news if you're the UFC, the WEC, Strikeforce or any of the other "big boys" interested in doing a show in Boston.  But if you're a small, local promoter putting together a pro/am card featuring anyone and everyone, that news is bad.  You see, at one time the Commission was in charge of MMA events, but then the state backed off and went into laissez-faire mode, so for years the place has been a great, unregulated oasis for promoters to go wild.  Now, however, that all changes.  With the new law, gone are the days of a fighter competing while suspended in other jurisdictions, gone are the days of wacky matchmaking, and gone are the days of self-regulation.  It's rules and red tape from here on out.  Which isn't a bad thing, of course - unless you've been making a buck as a promoter doing whatever the hell you damn well please.

Heavyweights Ben Rothwell, Paul Buentello, Cain Velasquez and Others to Cut to Light-Heavyweight to Flee Gypsy Curse

With an apparent gypsy curse hitting the UFC's heavyweight division hard, select fighters have announced that they'll be cutting down to 205 to compete and avoid the laundry list of illnesses and injuries that have inexplicably stricken their hefty brethen. At the top of list are Ben Rothwell, Paul Buentello and Cain Velasquez, with Rothwell dropping no less than 60 pounds to make the cut-off. "It's worth it," said the Midwest-based striker. "I mean, when I heard Brock [Lesnar] was sick I didn't think anything of it. But then [Antonio Rodrigo] Nogueira got staph, Shane Carwin hurt his knee, Randy Couture got old, Todd Duffee got leprosy... that's when I knew something was up, and I just had to avoid it." Buentello agreed. "Yeah, when Cheick Kongo woke up and it was raining frogs in his house and Mirko Crocop was suddenly sapped of all his talent, it was clear this division is cursed. And until Dana White does whatever he needs to do to appease the gypsies, I ain't messing with no evil eye-Santeria junk. I'd rather cut down on burritos and take my chances with Lyoto Machida, thank you very much." Added Velasquez, "Aye carumba." No word yet on when these new light-heavyweights will be competing or against whom, but it's safe to say that, if the heavyweight ranks continue to fall prey illness and injury, more fighters will make the switch.

November 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings

November 27, 2009: The November 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites.

In addition to the numerous MMA web sites that publish the Independent World MMA Rankings, you can also access the rankings at any time by going to www.IndependentWorldMMARankings.com.

Some of the best and most knowledgeable MMA writers from across the MMA media landscape have come together to form one independent voting panel. These voting panel members are, in alphabetical order: Zach Arnold (Fight Opinion); Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jared Barnes (Freelance); Jordan Breen (Sherdog); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Todd Martin (CBS Sportsline); Jim Murphy (The Savage Science); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Jonathan Snowden (Heavy.com); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion); Ivan Trembow (Freelance); and Dave Walsh (Total MMA and Head Kick Legend).

Note: Due to the fact that he has not competed in the welterweight division for over one year and has no plans to do so in the foreseeable future, Jake Shields is no longer eligible to be ranked in the welterweight division. He is, however, eligible to be ranked in the middleweight division.

Note: Due to the fact that he has moved to the light heavyweight division and has no plans to fight at heavyweight in the foreseeable future, Randy Couture is no longer eligible to be ranked in the heavyweight division. He is, however, eligible to be ranked in the light heavyweight division.

November 2009 Independent World MMA Rankings
Ballots collected on November 24, 2009

Heavyweight Rankings (206 to 265 lbs.)
1. Fedor Emelianenko (31-1, 1 No Contest)
2. Brock Lesnar (4-1)
3. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira (32-5-1, 1 No Contest)
4. Frank Mir (12-4)
5. Shane Carwin (11-0)
6. Brett Rogers (10-1)
7. Alistair Overeem (31-11, 1 No Contest)
8. Junior dos Santos (9-1)
9. Cain Velasquez (7-0)
10. Fabricio Werdum (13-4-1)

Light Heavyweight Rankings (186 to 205 lbs.)
1. Lyoto Machida (16-0)
2. Mauricio "Shogun" Rua (18-4)
3. Rashad Evans (13-1-1)
4. Quinton Jackson (30-7)
5. Anderson Silva (25-4)
6. Gegard Mousasi (27-2-1)
7. Forrest Griffin (17-6)
8. Antonio Rogerio Nogueira (18-3)
9. Dan Henderson (25-7)
10. Thiago Silva (14-1)

Middleweight Rankings (171 to 185 lbs.)
1. Anderson Silva (25-4)
2. Nathan Marquardt (29-8-2)
3. Dan Henderson (25-7)
4. Vitor Belfort (19-8)
5. Demian Maia (11-1)
6. Jake Shields (24-4-1)
7. Chael Sonnen (24-10-1)
8. Yushin Okami (23-5)
9. Robbie Lawler (16-5, 1 No Contest)
10. Jorge Santiago (21-8)

Welterweight Rankings (156 to 170 lbs.)
1. Georges St. Pierre (19-2)
2. Jon Fitch (19-3, 1 No Contest)
3. Thiago Alves (16-6)
4. Josh Koscheck (14-4)
5. Matt Hughes (43-7)
6. Dan Hardy (23-6)
7. Paulo Thiago (12-1)
8. Mike Swick (14-3)
9. Carlos Condit (24-5)
10. Marius Zaromskis (13-3)

Lightweight Rankings (146 to 155 lbs.)
1. B.J. Penn (14-5-1)
2. Shinya Aoki (22-4, 1 No Contest)
3. Eddie Alvarez (19-2)
4. Kenny Florian (11-4)
5. Tatsuya Kawajiri (25-5-2)
6. Diego Sanchez (21-2)
7. Gray Maynard (8-0, 1 No Contest)
8. Frankie Edgar (10-1)
9. Joachim Hansen (19-8-1)
10. Mizuto Hirota (12-3-1)

Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Jose Aldo (16-1)
2. Mike Brown (22-5)
3. Urijah Faber (22-3)
4. Hatsu Hioki (20-4-2)
5. Bibiano Fernandes (7-2)
6. Raphael Assuncao (14-1)
7. "Lion" Takeshi Inoue (17-3)
8. Wagnney Fabiano (12-2)
9. Manny Gamburyan (10-4)
10. Michihiro Omigawa (8-8-1)

Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Brian Bowles (8-0)
2. Miguel Torres (37-2)
3. Takeya Mizugaki (12-3-2)
4. Masakatsu Ueda (10-0-2)
5. Dominick Cruz (14-1)
6. Akitoshi Tamura (14-7-2)
7. Joseph Benavidez (10-1)
8. Damacio Page (12-4)
9. Rani Yahya (15-4)
10. Will Ribeiro (10-2)

The Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated on a monthly basis in each of the top seven weight classes of MMA, from heavyweight to bantamweight, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.

The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.

The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win fantasy match-ups.

Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.

Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.

Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that he is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until he has his first fight in the new weight class.

Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.

Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Zach Arnold, and Joshua Stein for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.

Fun Fact: TUF 10 Competitor James McSweeney Got Smoked By Ricardo Romero Right Before The Show

Here's a little fun fact for you: TUF 10 competitor James McSweeney, whose striking and incoherent manner of speaking has seen him survive to the season's semifinals, fought at ROC 24 in April - right before entering the TUF house - and the Brit got absolutely smoked. The man doing the smoking? Top Northeast fighter Ricardo Romero, a heavy-handed wrestler with only one loss to his record (a disqualification for punting an opponent's head into the audience). So next time your friend start espousing the belief that TUF is comprised of the best fighters, gently remind them of McSweeney, who came into the competition fresh off a humiliating to Romero, a fighter far more skilled and better in the cage. And then kick your friend in the groin.

Aggressive Combat Sports No-Gi Grappling Tournament on December 5th

Aggressive Combat Sports is throwing a no-gi grappling tournament on December 5th, with Finest Fitness in Patchogue playing the role of host and a number of New York underground fight circuit regulars playing the role of "innocent competitor". As this is a grappling tournament, there should be a limited amount of shankings and parking lot fisticuffs, so it might be worth checking out. More info is here: http://acomsports.wordpress.com/acom-sports-grappling-series/ .

Observations From My Couch: UFC 106 "Ultimate Meh"

• George Sotiropoulos. George Satiropoulos. George Safetypopulace. George Satonahippopotamus. Tehe.
• Did Brian Foster completely and utterly own Brock Larson or what? That was like watching an adult fight a child.
• I guarantee you Kendall Grove's post-UFC celebration involved a bong. I guarantee it.
• Did Ben Saunders murder Marcus Davis? Has anyone heard from Davis since that night?
• No one fights hard, gasses and goes out on their shield quite like Phil Baroni.
• Little Nog in the hizzouz!
• Paulo Thiago fought who?
• I think Josh Koscheck and Anthony Johnson had a gentleman's aggreement to commit every foul in the book. If it lasted another round, someone was going to get bitten for sure.
• Please, God, no more of Tito Ortiz fighting Forrest Griffin. Please.

Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce Challengers "Yoko Got Squashed"

• Congrats to Chad Vance for sticking to just training wrestling for MMA competition. It takes courage to get into the cage knowing you only have one piece of the puzzle and that you're going to get your ass kicked.
• Yay! Rafael Cavalcante is back on track as a tough and fearsome light-heavyweight. If he keeps winning, he'll earn the chance to get killed by Gegard Mousasi in no time.
• Erik Apple may have lost, but it's hard to feel bad for a guy when you know he's got a harem of smoking-hot women to "comfort" him. Seriously, have you seen his collection of babes?
• Kim "Yoko Ono" Couture got squashed. Somewhere, someone must have felt bad for her. Or not.
• Must care about Tyrone Woodley... must care... about Tyrone Woodley... *Sigh* Sorry, guys. I just can't.