Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 11

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Second to last episode of the season, so let's review what we've learned thus far. The Queen of England talks ridiculously slow and shows little to no emotion. Consequently, there is zero heat between her and Team UK coach Michael Bisping, and two SpikeTV editors have hung themselves over their inability to fabricate even the slightest bit of drama.

Also, Jason Pierce hates everything and everyone, and has somehow managed to be on "The Ultimate Fighter" without fighting.

Also, Team America: World Police sucks.

Also, the Marquis de Johnson has made it to the welterweight finals. This feat carries with it the same level of prestige and accomplishment as medaling in the Special Olympics when you're not retarded.

Also, when it's all over and we've moved on to TUF 10, no one will remember anything or anyone about the cast of TUF 9. Not even the members of TUF 9 themselves will remember.

Tonight will feature the two lightweight semifinals, which pair Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All against Andre the Weiner and Jason Dent against Ross the Incoherent. At Team America: World Police's training session, Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All expresses a desire to stand and bang despite sucking on the feet and nursing some ouchie ribs. Big Tall French Guy advises him to not be so flamboyant, while the Queen of England says "just be yourself", only the words take two commercial breaks to come out. Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All acknowledges both sets of counsel; he discards his pink tutu, but judiciously applies glitter to his cheeks. Compromise, right?

Back at the TUF House and Team UK remarks about Andre the Weiner's habit of sucking his thumb. On San Francisco's Castro Street, a chorus of hoots and hollers erupt in a bar, and the bar's patrons all do a shot and smack the ass of the man to their left. The camera zooms in on Andre the Weiner fellating his digit. Someone in that bar in San Francisco swoons and faints.

Then it's fight time, and Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All comes out swinging. Andre the Weiner swings back, gets on top and slaps on a triangle choke. Cameron Dollar-Dollar-Bill-Y'All taps out, and we're all left wondering why, why, why did Team America: World Police suck so bad? This was definitely done on purpose.

Jason Dent appears to tell the folks at home that he's been playing it safe. That's it. That's all the build-up we get, because suddenly Jason Dent and Ross the Incoherent are fighting. Okay, maybe there's some sub-story arc about Ross the Incoherent seeing a speech therapist and learning that a half-digested biscuit (Britspeak for "cookie") stuck in his throat has been making him talk funny, but other than that, bang! Fight time!

And fight they do, as Jason Dent lets it all hang out to face his opponent head-on. The bout goes the distance with the two banging on each other and Ross the Incoherent getting the better of the exchanges, but the Brit does take some lumps. When time runs out there's no question the decision is Ross the Incoherent's; however, Jason Dent looked like he actually gave a crap, and Dana White appears to tell him he likes him now and that he can expect a card at Christmas time.

So that's it. No American made it to the lightweight finals because there was too much suckage going on or something, and we get to see Andre the Weiner and Ross the Incoherent battle over a title that means less and less every day. Yippee.

Next week: Frankie Loser versus the guy who knocked out his teeth and gave him gout and scurvy.