Observations from My Couch: UFN 17

• Anthony Johnson's kung fu is powerful, but like "The Toad" from the Shaw Brothers classic "The Five Deadly Venoms", his weak spot will always be his eyes. Poke out his eyes and you will defeat him!
• Like "The Scorpion", Josh Neer can utilize his strikes to sting and stun, and can use his submission techniques to trap an opponent like a scorpion holds its prey with its pincers - as TUF 6 winner Mac Danzig learned on Saturday night.
• With his hands emulating "venomous fangs" and his legs like the "stinging whip of a rattling tail", Dan Miller is the embodiment of "The Snake". Jake Rosholt's kung fu was no match him!
• Cain Velasquez sucked.
• Joe "The Centipede" Lauzon attacked Jeremy Stephens so quickly and vigorously, it was as if the Massachusetts native had a hundred arms and legs. Stephens didn't stand a chance.
• Poison Clan rocks the world!

Joe Lauzon: "Vaseline? Ha! My Corner Rubs Me Down with Gasoline!"

Step aside, Georges St. Pierre - Joe Lauzon is here. Wading hip-deep into the controversy that has arisen from St. Pierre's UFC 94 clash against BJ Penn, the TUF 5 veteran and Massachusetts native admitted in a recent interview to having illegal substances applied to his body between rounds as well. "Vaseline?" said Lauzon. "Ha! My corner rubs me down with gasoline! Sometimes even kerosene! We're crazy like that!" Lauzon is scheduled to face Jeremy Stephens in the main event of Saturday's UFC Fight Night 17 in Tampa, Florida. Will this admission jeopardize that match-up? Said a spokesman for the Florida State Boxing Commission, "We always have fire extinguishers on hand in case competitors spontaneously combust, so it shouldn't be an issue. This is Florida, after all. That sort of thing happens anyway."

Observations from My Couch: UFC 91

• Sometimes the UFC rewards a fighter for all his hard work. On Saturday night, Gabriel Gonzaga's reward was tomato can Josh Hendricks.
• I don't know what was scarier: Dustin Hazelett's flawless jiu-jitsu transitions, or his Amish "Wrath of an Angry Old Testament God" beard.
• Jeremy Stephens hit Rafael dos Anjos so hard, he changed Rafael's last name to "uno Anjos".
• Kenny Florian's fight with Joe Stevenson wasn't so much a fight as it was a rape. In fact, in his post-bout medical screening, the Nevada State Athletic Commission had Stevenson take a pregnancy test.
• Brock Lesnar defeated Randy Couture. A WWE wrestler is now the UFC Heavyweight Champ. Excuse me while I go cry in my morning oatmeal.