Mac Danzig to Become First TUF Winner Booted from UFC

Noted vegan and gross underperformer Mac Danzig is slated to become the first TUF winner to be cut from the UFC's roster, as the TUF 6 veteran will be facing New Jersey grappling stud Jim Miller in a lightweight undercard bout on Saturday night's UFC 100 event - a match-up Danzig is destined to lose via submission. The loss will be Danzig's third in a row, bringing his Octagon record to a dismal 1-3 and painting him as the clear-cut winner in the Danzig/Joe Stevenson/Kendall Grove "Race to Suckville". When asked about the honor to be bestowed upon him as the first TUF winner given the boot, Danzig replied: "Guys, please, meat is murder. Team Tofu all the way."

Observations from My Couch: UFN 17

• Anthony Johnson's kung fu is powerful, but like "The Toad" from the Shaw Brothers classic "The Five Deadly Venoms", his weak spot will always be his eyes. Poke out his eyes and you will defeat him!
• Like "The Scorpion", Josh Neer can utilize his strikes to sting and stun, and can use his submission techniques to trap an opponent like a scorpion holds its prey with its pincers - as TUF 6 winner Mac Danzig learned on Saturday night.
• With his hands emulating "venomous fangs" and his legs like the "stinging whip of a rattling tail", Dan Miller is the embodiment of "The Snake". Jake Rosholt's kung fu was no match him!
• Cain Velasquez sucked.
• Joe "The Centipede" Lauzon attacked Jeremy Stephens so quickly and vigorously, it was as if the Massachusetts native had a hundred arms and legs. Stephens didn't stand a chance.
• Poison Clan rocks the world!

Josh Neer Tries to Outrun Boss Hogg, Fails

This just in from our correspondent in Hazzard County: UFC fighter Josh Neer tried to outrun Boss Hogg and Sheriff Rosco P. Coltrane early Thursday in his modified 1969 Dodge Charger, but failed in his efforts, and is now under arrest and being held in the local jail. Neer, a well-known moonshiner around these parts, is slated to face TUF 7 winner Mac Danzig at UFC Fight Night 17 on February 7th. No word yet on if this arrest and detention will jeopardize that match-up. Said Flash, Sheriff Coltrane's Basset Hound, "Woof."

Observations from My Couch: UFN 15

• Houston Alexander is built like an action figure and always seems one punch away from knocking someone out. Unfortunately, he needs to be told that mixed martial arts involves at least some grappling, and that he therefore must train in it.
• Alan Belcher looked impressive out-striking and out-working Ed Herman, but who the heck thought it was a good idea for him to wear that diaper? Is he incontinent?
• Mac Danzig had nothing on Clay Guida's relentless offense. It may be time for that steak, Mac.
• Nate Diaz was composed as all hell and very Kazushi Sakuraba-esqe in his transitions and escapes. However, I'm left with a burning question after his bout last night: does the kid eat? Nate, I don't know what Zuffa is paying you, but if you need food I will totally buy you a case of ramen noodles or something.

Mac Danzig May Hate Meat, But He Hates Cavemen and Dinosaurs Even More

Noted vegetarian Mac Danzig may hate meat, but he hates cavemen and dinosaurs even more, and at Wednesday night's UFN 15 Danzig will face famed dino-rider Clay Guida in a match-up that guarantees fireworks. "I really don't like any carnivores," said Danzig between bites of raw cauliflower. "And as a prehistoric man, Guida is definitely an extreme carnivore. I'm going to kick his ass and the ass of that triceratops he rides around on." The Pride FC vet and lightweight TUF 6 winner, who trains at Xtreme Couture and eats things like radishes and zucchini in lieu of hamburgers and hot dogs, has yet to be tested in the Octagon. Guida should prove to be a tough opponent.