Gina Carano Speculates Wildly, Predicts Plagues and Apocalypse

The eagerly-anticipated match-up between Gina Carano and Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos has yet to be formalized, but erstwhile female MMA superstar Carano recently gave an interview where she speculated wildly about the near future, dropping hints to fans everywhere as to when Carano vs. Cyborg may happen. "And now I saw a pale horse, and its rider's name was 'Death'," said Carano, who went from marquee fighter with EliteXC to contractual limbo with Strikeforce in recent months. "And there followed after him another horse whose rider's name was 'Hell'. They were given control of one-fourth of the earth, to kill with war and famine and disease and wild animals." Carano's last venture into the cage was in October, when she defeated Kelly Kobold by unanimous decision. Rumors have abounded concerning her return. When pressed for an exact date, Carano responded, "Here is wisdom. He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. His number is six hundred sixty-six." No word yet from Strikeforce to confirm if this is the date of a Showtime event or CBS event. Stay tuned for more.

April 25th UWC to Feature Mike Easton Executing Another Poor Soul

Unless Mike Easton's opponent has fought in the WEC or was invited to DREAM's 135-pound tournament but turned it down because he hates Japan, it's a sure bet that whoever Easton faces at the Ultimate Warrior Challenge will die. Sadly, such is the case with Josh Ferguson, who will be taking on DC's best fighter at the UWC: "Capital Punishment" event at the Patriot Center on April 25th. Who is Ferguson? Well, that doesn't really matter at this point, although his tombstone will probably say something like "Grappler Who Wasn't Ready For Easton's Kind of Badness". Expect "The Hulk" to execute another poor soul at the top of another exciting UWC.

Dom Stanco to Perform Complex Dentistry on Brazilian Foe

Bellmore Kickboxing lightweight Dom Stanco will finally get his day in the sun, as the heavy-handed veteran has been tapped to take on Gold Team Fighters rep Charles Oliveira da Silva in ROC 24's marquee bout. At stake: the USKBA East Coast lightweight title, plus bragging rights if the Long Islander takes out the Brazilian (or vice versa). There isn't a lot of tape available on Oliveira da Silva, as he's one of many Brazilian expats who've recently surfaced in New Jersey to jump feet-first into the fight circuit, but what is known is that he's undefeated in six Sao Paulo MMA bouts and that he's a two-time jiu-jitsu champ. Yet no matter what skills he brings into the cage, Stanco will only need one punch to knock him the hell out. In terms of 155-pound talent, the East Coast has seen fantastic grapplers rise up and graduate to the major leagues (Frankie Edgar, Jim Miller); Stanco is the first one who could be considered a "big puncher". Expect Oliveira da Silva to have a drastically different dental layout when this one is over.

Deepest Condolences to the Miller Family

MMA Journalist has just learned that New Jersey-based UFC fighter Dan Miller's baby passed away shortly after birth. This is tragic news. Spend enough time covering the Northeast MMA circuit and a lot of the folks here start to feel like family, and it's no secret I have great affection for Dan (and his brother Jim). My deepest condolences go out to Dan and his loved ones.

Sally Krumdiak: A Warrior Without Eyebrows

Extreme Challenge returns to Atlantic City on Saturday, March 28th, and the event is headlined by top-ranked female fighter Tara LaRosa taking on Sally Krumdiak. Who is Sally Krumdiak? Apparently an up-and-coming warrior who eschews eyebrows. A search with Google Images paints a grim picture for LaRosa, for Krumdiak seems to have mastered the looks "mean", "foreboding", and "eyebrow color too light to be discernible". But can she fight? Does she have what it takes to overcome LaRosa's vast experience competing at the highest levels of female MMA? It doesn't matter. Win or lose, Krumdiak is going to be terrifying doing it.
(Pic courtesy of the Art of War website - who knows where they got it from.)

Observations From My Couch: "March Badness"

• As a competent play-by-play commentator who knows the ins and outs of both boxing and MMA, Colonel Bob Sheridan will be worth his weight in gold if this boxing/MMA hybrid stuff takes off. If he plays his cards right, he might even get promoted to brigadier general.
• Seth Petruzelli. The man. The myth. The legend.
• Cowboy Karate? Dennis Hallman is in trouble when he runs into a practitioner of Native American Judo.
• Did Din Thomas hit on Rihanna?
• Bobby Lashley is so not quite Brock Lesnar.
• Roy Nelson needs to file a police report as soon as possible, 'cause that man was robbed.

If the WEC Goes to Pay-Per-View, Should You Buy It?

The World Extreme Cagefighting organization recently announced that it intends to air events live on pay-per-view instead of on the Versus network, a move that would force fans of the smaller fighters to shell out upwards of 40 bucks a show instead of the usual free (really, whatever your cable package costs with the Versus network option). This, of course, begs the question: If the WEC goes to pay-per-view, should you buy it? The answer is a definite "maybe", and while that "maybe" could be predicated on such factors as the value of the match-ups, the interest generated by the individual fighters and the level of overall intrigue attached to the show, MMA Journalist has developed a mathematical formula to help fans decide. Working under the premise that every worthwhile UFC pay-per-view event saw bouts from fighters with a combined weight exceeding 2,000 pounds, and cognizant of the fact that WEC fighters range from 125 to 155 pounds, the formula is thus: add together the weights of the WEC fighters expected to be seen on the pay-per-view broadcast, plus 50 pounds for each one whom you recognize. If that total exceeds 2,000, then buy it. For example, a card with just six bouts of lightweights, featherweights, bantamweights and flyweights would fall far short of the 2,000-pound cut-off. However, make some of those competitors "name" fighters like Urijah Faber, Mike Brown, Miguel Torres and Jens Pulver, and suddenly that number is exceeded. It's simple, really. In these harsh economic times, consumers must be shrewd with their expenditures. This applies no less so to MMA fans. Hopefully this formula will hope those who are unsure of whether or not a WEC pay-per-view card is worth skipping a meal for.

Miguel Torres: "I Need to Fight at Heavyweight to Make Money - This Mullet Ain't Paying For Itself!"

WEC bantamweight champ Miguel Torres has announced his intention to fight up a few weight classes, a move he claims is prompted by reasons purely financial. "I need to fight at heavyweight to make money," said the best 135-pound fighter in the world, and he emphasized his reasoning by pointing to his hairstyle. "This mullet ain't paying for itself!" As it's a widely-accepted reality that higher weight-class fighters command larger salaries, and that mullets often require thousands of dollars worth of hair care products daily, it's understandable that Torres would even consider such a move. But for fans of the man who's risen to the top of the bantamweights, it's a move that's nonetheless regrettable. "Seriously, I need the dough," said Torres. "WEC matchmaker Sean Shelby told me he knew people and could probably get me a bout against Cheick Kongo. Maybe even Shane Carwin." According to athletic commission records, Torres' salary stands at 600 dollars a fight plus a case of hair gel as a win bonus.

UFC Coming to Michigan!

The Ultimate Fighting Championship, an organization that mixes the combative disciplines of karate, judo, kung fu and the exotic art of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, is coming to the Cobo Arena in Detroit, Michigan possibly by the end of the year. On tap to wage war within the confines of the dreaded "Octagon" are "World's Most Dangerous Man" Ken Shamrock and UFC 5 tournament winner Dan "the Beast" Severn, who will be rematching in a superfight that should determine just who the baddest no-holds-barred fighter on the planet really is! Also on the card is Don "the Predator" Frye against grappling master Amaury Bitetti, "Stuttering" Mark Hall against Japanese sumo legend Koji Kitao, and Olympic wrestling gold medalist Mark Schultz against Gary "Big Daddy" Goodridge. Want to see blood? Want to see carnage? Then tune into UFC 9 on pay-per-view!

NSAC Orders Parisyan to Shave Back, Take Nine Months of Remedial English

The Nevada State Athletic Commission issued a harsh penalty to Karo Parisyan, ordering the UFC welterweight to shave his back and take nine months of remedial English before he can return to competition. As reported by MMA Journalist on February 10th, Parisyan tested positive for Armenian after his UFC 94 bout against Dong Hyun Kim. At yesterday's NSAC hearing Parisyan pleaded for leniency, but the pleas of the fighter - a judo expert who was once considered a top contender in the 170-pound weight class - were ultimately ignored. "We take these sorts of things very seriously," said NSAC Chief Xenophobe Keith Kizer, who, in addition to handing down punishment to the "hairy kid who says 'bro' way too much", overturned Parisyan's decision win over Kim, rendering it a "no contest". MMA Journalist contacted Parisyan for a comment but was unable to understand him.