NSAC Orders Parisyan to Shave Back, Take Nine Months of Remedial English

The Nevada State Athletic Commission issued a harsh penalty to Karo Parisyan, ordering the UFC welterweight to shave his back and take nine months of remedial English before he can return to competition. As reported by MMA Journalist on February 10th, Parisyan tested positive for Armenian after his UFC 94 bout against Dong Hyun Kim. At yesterday's NSAC hearing Parisyan pleaded for leniency, but the pleas of the fighter - a judo expert who was once considered a top contender in the 170-pound weight class - were ultimately ignored. "We take these sorts of things very seriously," said NSAC Chief Xenophobe Keith Kizer, who, in addition to handing down punishment to the "hairy kid who says 'bro' way too much", overturned Parisyan's decision win over Kim, rendering it a "no contest". MMA Journalist contacted Parisyan for a comment but was unable to understand him.

Brock Lesnar Tests Positive for Gamma Rays

Hot on the heels of Brock Lesnar's dramatic UFC 91 TKO victory over Randy Couture comes news that the freshly-minted champ has failed his post-fight drug screening, with the 275-pound former WWE star testing positive for gamma rays. "According to state guidelines, a fighter is tested for gamma rays, cosmic rays, radioactive spider venom, and midi-chlorians," says Nevada State Athletic Commission Maestro Keith Kizer. "Lesnar's urinalysis revealed that he has an exceedingly high-level of gamma rays in him. That's a clear violation." No word yet on what this may mean for belt, but the new champ issued this statement: "Grrrr. Lesnar smash."

Anthony Johnson Loses Appeal Due to Excessive Blindness

UFC fighter Anthony Johnson, who was blatantly eye-gouged by opponent Kevin Burns at their UFN 14 clash but lost the bout via controversial TKO thanks to a referee's bad call, has had his appeal rejected by the Nevada State Athletic Commission. According to NSAC High Exalted One Keith Kizer, the reason behind the rejected appeal was "excessive blindness", as Johnson was unable to see the requisite forms to properly fill them out. Johnson has since undergone surgery for his damaged eye, and currently uses a prosthetic eyeball as well as an eye patch.

James Irvin Tests Positive for Everything

James Irvin, who recently lost to Anderson Silva in the UFC middleweight champ's foray into the light-heavyweight division at UFN 14, has tested positive for everything according to a Nevada State Athletic Commission post-fight drug test. Known for his strong striking skills and recurring injuries, Irvin took the bout against Silva on relatively short notice. He now faces a fine and suspension pending a disciplinary hearing. Said NSAC bossman Keith Kizer, "Methadone, oxymorphone, ibuprofen, lidocaine, dextromethorphan, moonshine, Tylenol PM, SpaghettiOs - you name it, he tested positive for it." Added Kizer: "That's actually pretty impressive."