Observations From My Couch: Strikeforce's "Gina Got Her Ass Kicked"

• Fabricio Werdum's jiu-jitsu looked solid. It's possible that his skill-level will enable him to survive maybe 30 seconds with Fedor before he's killed.
• Kudos to Gilbert Melendez for keeping the Jheri curl alive and in the public eye.
• What Gegard Mousasi did to Renato "Babalu" Sobral cannot be considered fighting. That was some grassy knoll-sniper stuff right there. Babalu never even had a chance.
• Cyborg crushed Gina Carano to become the 145-pound champ. After watching that bout, WEC featherweight champ Mike Brown reportedly called his management to discuss a move out of the weight class. It took them an hour to make the terrified Brown understand that he'd never have to fight Cyborg, as she fights in the women's division.

Predictions for Strikeforce: "Carano vs. Cyborg"

• Jay Hieron will be declared the winner by disqualification when, after seeing opponent Jesse Taylor stumble, slur his words and vomit three times on the way to the ring, officials determine that Taylor is intoxicated to the point of blacking out.
• Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Gegard Mousasi will wage an absolute war over the Strikeforce light-heavyweight belt. But no matter what the outcome, Babalu's finely-coiffed hair will remain pristine.
• Utilizing world-class jiu-jitsu, Fabricio Werdum is going to get Mike Kyle down and mount him. Kyle will then produce a taser and stun the Brazilian, and when he's disqualified for cheating, he'll claim it was just "a heat of the moment thing".
• Gilbert Melendez and Mitsuhiro Ishida are just going to wrestle. That's it. Just wrestle.
• Gina Carano will defeat Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos after a long, protracted battle. She will, unfortunately, sustain a bite in the bout, and during the next full moon will temporarily transform into a feral Brazilian jungle cat.

Carano/Cyborg "Beauty and the Beast" Match-Up to Feature Actual Beast

The eagerly-anticipated Gina Carano/Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos match-up, hailed as a pairing between "beauty and the beast" and slated for Strikeforce's August 15th event, will feature an actual beast as one of the competitors. According to noted Brazilian scientist and teratologist Dr. Paulo de Casanderes, a recent blood sample taken from the Chute Boxe fighter matches the DNA of "O Demonio da Selva" (the Demon of the Jungle), a monster which is believed to have terrorized villages along the Pantanal wetlands in the early 1990s. "No one who saw the creature lived to tell the tale," says Dr. de Casanderes. "So no one was able to recognize it when it was on TV fighting for EliteXC and Strikeforce. But investigators did collect stool samples O Demonio da Selva had left behind, and that's how we were able to make the comparison." It's unknown what, if any, effect this may have on the Carano/Cyborg match-up. Calls to Chute Boxe were met with growls.

Tara LaRosa Deserves a Superfight

Mention women's MMA to anyone and they'll immediately think of Gina Carano, then salivate over Carano's inevitable superfight against Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos. Sadly, though widely considered the best in the world at 135 pounds (Carano fights at 180 pounds), Tara LaRosa's been in the game longer and accomplished more, yet commands only a fraction of the attention. What LaRosa needs is a superfight. Sure, she's headlining this weekend's Extreme Challenge: "Mayhem at the Marina", but it's a foregone conclusion that she'll put Sally Krumdiak away with a submission before time runs out. LaRosa should be facing the best, facing someone who'll make for a "Oh wow!" kind of match-up. That person might actually be located right here in the Northeast. Her name is Vanessa Porto. A Brazilian and member of Gold Team Fighters (which is based in Newark, New Jersey), Porto has wins over Hitomi Akano and Tonya Evinger, and she's got aggressiveness and experience against top-level fighters - two things that could make for a competitive and compelling fight against the Fight Factory femme. Think Carano vs. Cyborg will be exciting? LaRosa vs. Porto could put you into cardiac arrest. This is a superfight worthy of the best 135-pound female fighter in the world.

Gina Carano Speculates Wildly, Predicts Plagues and Apocalypse

The eagerly-anticipated match-up between Gina Carano and Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos has yet to be formalized, but erstwhile female MMA superstar Carano recently gave an interview where she speculated wildly about the near future, dropping hints to fans everywhere as to when Carano vs. Cyborg may happen. "And now I saw a pale horse, and its rider's name was 'Death'," said Carano, who went from marquee fighter with EliteXC to contractual limbo with Strikeforce in recent months. "And there followed after him another horse whose rider's name was 'Hell'. They were given control of one-fourth of the earth, to kill with war and famine and disease and wild animals." Carano's last venture into the cage was in October, when she defeated Kelly Kobold by unanimous decision. Rumors have abounded concerning her return. When pressed for an exact date, Carano responded, "Here is wisdom. He who has understanding, let him calculate the number of the beast, for it is the number of a man. His number is six hundred sixty-six." No word yet from Strikeforce to confirm if this is the date of a Showtime event or CBS event. Stay tuned for more.

Strikeforce Showing Us How It's Done

Rumors are trickling in as to who will be fighting on the new and improved Strikeforce's April 11th Showtime card. Frank Shamrock and Nick Diaz have signed on the dotted line and will be facing each other, Benji Radach and Scott Smith are throwing down, Robbie Lawler may be rematching with Joey Villasenor, Gilbert Melendez is fighting, Josh Thomson may be fighting, and maybe, just maybe, Gina Carano and Cristiane Cyborg might be in the mix. You know, for the past few months there's been a void left behind thanks to EliteXC's demise, and fans have been stuck with about ten versions of the same UFC a month plus the rare Affliction event. But with Strikeforce's new contract with Showtime and CBS, things have suddenly changed, and changed in a big way. We now have options when it comes to seeing intriguing and captivating fights, and our heroes - like Diaz, Radach, Lawler and Carano - can once again return to battle. It's a good time to be a fan.

The Best Female Fighter in the World Capable of Making Weight Returns

The best female fighter in the world capable of making a contracted weight, a.k.a. Tara LaRosa, returns to action on January 23rd at Extreme Challenge: "War at the Shore". Her opponent will be Alexis Davis, an overmatched chick from Who Cares, Idaho. Known for a well-rounded skill set and having extensive experience, LaRosa was BodogFIGHT's 135-pound champ when that organization crapped the bed, and although she hasn't fought in over a year, LaRosa is still widely believed to be at the top of the food chain in women's MMA (despite possessing a fraction of the notoriety held by the zoftig and rubenesque Gina Carano). Expect the Fight Factory warrior to trounce Davis, sending her back to her job as a hostess at Denny's in defeat.

Sheik Dana Al-Whitefa Considering Gina Carano for WEC

Reports have surfaced today that Sheik Dana Al-Whitefa may be considering allowing superstar female fighter Gina Carano to compete in the WEC - a move that would be contrary to the devout Muslim teachings Sheik Al-Whitefa has previously espoused. In a recent interview with Yahoo Foreign Minister Kevin Iolaziz, Sheik Al-Whitefa was quoted as saying, "The cage is no place for a woman. Praise be to Allah." Allowing Carano into the WEC would, without question, be a radical shift from that viewpoint, although one that may be warranted given Carano's immense popularity. As of this writing, it's not known when Carano would make her WEC debut, but it is known that as a condition of her participation, the former EliteXC fighter would have to wear a traditional Muslim burqa with a veil concealing her eyes. Any violation would be met with immediate stoning.

Drug-Addled Paulo Filho Thinks He's Gina Carano, Fails to Make Weight

Middleweight belt holder Paulo Filho, whose battles with substance abuse prompted a recent stint in rehab, failed to make weight yesterday for his WEC 36 bout against Chael Sonnen, rendering their championship contest a three-round, non-title affair. The Brazilian Top Team star was reportedly wearing a wig and a skirt at the official weigh-ins, and while insisting everyone call him "Gina", stepped on to the scale at 192 pounds (a whopping seven pounds over the limit). "Paulo is... having some issues right now," said main handler Ed Soares, who ended up chasing Filho around the venue while Filho giggled and squealed. Added Soares: "I assure you, she - err, I mean he - will be ready for his fight." Tonight's WEC 36 will also feature a match-up between minuscule warriors Urijah Faber and Mike Brown and will air live on the "Versus" cable channel.

EliteXC is Dead

EliteXC, the promotion that brought Kimbo Slice, Gina Carano and a slew of other talented fighters to prime time network television, is dead. An official autopsy report won't be available for some time, but it is strongly suspected that the cause of death centered around financial woes. It's no secret that EliteXC had recently taken to begging and panhandling for loose change, with some speculating that the organization's nights were spent walking the streets to solicit "johns" and turn tricks. If true, this would've been a sad turn of events for the promotion responsible for the first and third most-watched MMA bouts in US history (Slice vs. James Thompson and Slice vs. Seth Petruzelli). EliteXC's unfortunate demise leaves quite a few fighters without a home, but more importantly, it leaves fans with fewer opportunities to watch fights. Without question, this is a loss everyone in the sport will feel. No details have been released yet concerning possible funeral services.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 7

• The Internet connection in the arena bites the big one.
• The crowd really loves Gina Carano. She might be ready to move out to a ranch in Texas and start her own cult. Carano's definitely got the followers.
• Andrei Arlovski also got a lot of love from the crowd. Although someone behind me asked if it was true that he was a werewolf.
• Roy Nelson fought surprisingly well. NASCAR fans should be very proud.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 6

• The venue is packed and the crowd is vocal. No one has said "kick his ass, seabass!" yet. But I wait patiently for it.
• Benji Radach/Murilo Rua was a good one. Radach was all smiles on the way back to the locker room. Rua looked like he'd fallen off the back of a truck doing 70mph on the highway.
• Stitch, the world famous cut man, is sitting in the audience. I guess if there are fights in the stands, he'll be there to patch people up?
• Kelly Kobold/Gina Carano is up next. Things are about to get nuts here. I think some dude just threw his underwear into the cage at Carano's introduction.

Scenes From an EliteXC Weigh-In

Yeah, so, Gina Carano had to get naked to make weight, Ken Shamrock and Kimbo Slice tussled, and Paul Daley got in Jake Shields' face. Just your standard weigh-in affair.

EliteXC Musical Chairs

The music has stopped for EliteXC's musical chairs, with welterweight champ Jake Shields and challenger Paul Daley finding seats for the October 4th CBS show alongside Gina Carano vs. Kelly Kobold-Gavin and Kimbo Slice vs. Tomato Can. Where does that leave newcomer Lyman Good, who was supposed to fight Daley on the cancelled September 20th card? According to the tea leaves in MMA Journalist's morning cup of caffeine, Good could face either UFC/WEC veteran John Alessio or an enraged panda bear on EliteXC's November 8th Showtime event.

Dear EliteXC: Please Don't Die

Dear EliteXC: Please don't die. When I heard that you'd cancelled your September 20th Showtime event, and that you bailed on a Cage Rage Contenders in the UK, my heart sank. You were the first promotion to make it to network television. You got people everywhere talking about Kimbo Slice and Gina Carano and, more importantly, MMA in general. You gave athletes like Robbie Lawler, Scott Smith, Jake Shields, Nick Thompson and others a chance to let the world know that they're top-tier fighters. And last but not least, you gave us an alternative to the UFC's brand of pugilistic product. Look, I know profitability seems elusive, and that the crowded MMA market can at times be cutthroat and resource-draining. But Rome wasn't built in a day. Just hang in there. When clothing stores start stocking EliteXC T-shirts and CBS and Showtime renew their contracts in far more favorable terms, it will all pay off in the end.

Observations from My Couch: EliteXC "Unfinished Business"

- At "Unfinished Business", EliteXC listened to the hardcore MMA fans and put together a show that definitely pleased them all. According to preliminary ratings reports, however, no one but hardcore fans watched the damn thing. - Cris Cyborg, Wanderlei Silva's transexual brother, looked scary beating down Shayna Baszler. Can Gina Carano save us from her brand of Brazilian lovin'? - Jake Shields made it look easy. Yes, it does indeed say "Bad Motherfucker" on his wallet. - Thomas Denny was an excellent human punching bag for Nick Diaz. But for all his faults, the "Wildman" sure did show a ton of heart. Bravo, man. Bravo. - With heavy hands, a well-rounded game and legitimate credentials, Robbie Lawler is everything EliteXC could want in a middleweight champ. I bet the UFC regrets his departure now, eh?