Strikeforce Replaces Unrepentant Stoner With Unmitigated Drunk

Strikeforce has replaced an unrepentant stoner with an unmitigated drunk for their "Carano vs. Cyborg" event on Saturday, abandoning the pairing of Nick Diaz and Jay Hieron and instead matching Hieron up with Jesse Taylor. According to the California State Athletic Commission, Diaz refused to put down his bag of Cheetos and get up from his couch to take a pre-fight drug test, thereby killing his chance at getting licensed in time. Without missing a beat, Strikeforce matchmakers scoured local bars and drunk tanks and came up with TUF 7 veteran Taylor, whose wrestling and hard-charging style, plus the fact that he was booted from "The Ultimate Fighter" for a booze-fueled rampage, makes him a decent opponent for the Xtreme Couture-trained former IFL champ. "We're pleased with the Jay Hieron/Jesse Taylor match-up," said a Strikeforce spokesman. "After Nick Diaz failed to get licensed, we considered finding Mr. Hieron a heroin or crack addict, but Mr. Taylor was too much of a mess to pass up." Strikeforce's Saturday show will also feature a lot of sober fighters, too.

Nick Diaz Too Stoned To Take Pre-Fight Drug Test, Inadvertantly Urinates Into Bong

Nick Diaz was reportedly too stoned to be able to take a California State Athletic Commission-mandated pre-fight drug screening on Friday, with the welterweight star inadvertently urinating into a bong and attempting to hand CSAC representatives that as his sample. The urine collection procedure, which must take place in the presence of a commission inspector and go into a sterile plastic cup, has been rescheduled for today, but Diaz's actions have cast doubt on whether his promised match-up against Jay Hieron for Saturday's Strikeforce: "Carano vs. Cyborg" may actually happen. When asked to comment, the Gracie-trained fighter said, "Dude, I... wait, what?"

Observations From My Couch: WEC 42

• Leonard Garcia was choked so hard by Jameel Massouh, the former drug mule puked up two cocaine-filled balloons (which had to be cleaned up by the WEC ring janitor in between rounds). The dude's a badass for surviving and pulling out the win after that.
• Jeff Curran just cannot catch a break. Is there no room in this sport for our storied veterans and pioneers?
• The best thing about two wrestlers engaging in a striking contest is that, when one gets hit like Ricardo Lamas did, they get messed up big time.
• Joseph Benavidez got handled. Plain and simple.
• Brian Bowles knocked out Miguel Torres? No! Mullet power never die!

Observations From My Couch: UFC 101

• Kurt Pellegrino earned a solid win over a decent opponent in Josh Neer, and "Batman" managed to do it without using his air-powered grappling-hook gun, his forearm brace that shoots throwing stars, or any of the other nifty inventions the Dark Knight often employs.
• I love Ricardo Almeida and believe he's an icon, but against Kendall Grove the man was a human hug-machine and blanket. I miss the smooth submission master.
• Maybe Amir Sadollah's bout was stopped too soon, maybe it wasn't. Either way, he needs to learn to intelligently defend himself at all times.
• Aaron Riley vs. Shane Nelson was like a man fighting a boy. Nelson needs to hit puberty fast if wants to be competitive against the other lightweights.
• Anderson Silva didn't just defeat Forrest Griffin, he owned him. Griffin is now Silva's manservant and must do his new master's bidding without question.
• Regardless of whatever happens at welterweight, BJ Penn is the absolute king of the lightweights. Who can possibly challenge him? Diego Sanchez? Frankie Edgar? Gray Maynard? Maybe if they all fought him at once...

More On This Strange WEC Rumor

So there apparently really is a secret WEC event going on this Sunday night, some sort of stealth/ninja/under the radar affair involving bantamweight champ Miguel Torres, Jeff Curran and Leonard Garcia. As this WEC 42 event has nothing to do with Strikeforce, Fedor or the UFC's Philly event, it's gone largely unnoticed. But MMA Journalist is on the case! Here are some predictions:

• In the title fight between 135-pound mullet master (yes, his mullet weighs 135 pounds) Torres and challenger Brian Bowles, Bowles is going to get creamed and then fade back into tiny-fighter obscurity. Ultimately, he may return to his old job as a part-time lawn jockey.
• Jeff "Big Frog" Curran and Takeya Mizugaki are set to do battle, and regardless of the outcome, the Japanese warrior is destined to emerge from the bout with warts. Because, you know, the whole frog thing.
• Joseph Benavidez vs. Dominick Cruz - the Spanish guy will win.
• Ricardo Lamas against Danny Castillo... seriously, where does the WEC find these people and why the hell are they on the main card? Shouldn't the recognizable names - like Javier Vasquez, Rani Yahya and Garcia - get TV time? This bout has DVR fast-forward written all over it.

Notes From Strikeforce/Fedor/M-1 Global Conference Call

• The UFC lied about what they offered to Fedor.
• Fedor is willing to fight anyone for his first fight in Strikeforce.
• Brett Rogers is a more worthy opponent for Fedor than Brock Lesnar, as Lesnar is only 4-1 in MMA.
• The whole Gegard Mousasi/UFC offer thing was fabricated BS by the UFC.
• Brock sucks.
• Vadim Finkelstein either owns a dog, or was driving during the call and ran a dog over.
• Strikeforce will aim to do pay-per-views six to nine months down the road.
• Fedor is kept fully abreast of the decisions being made on his behalf. He even receives financial reports.
• Someone please feed that dog.
• The UFC's offer to Fedor was miserable. If it really was for $30 million, he would've signed the contract for sure.
• No immediate plans for a tournament, but Scott Coker likes the format.
• Is that a car alarm?
• Vadim, please roll up your window.
• Dog again. Is he someone's attorney?
• Closing statements, and everyone agrees this conference call was "different". Different? This was a Monty Python sketch. And I can't wait for another!

Predictions for UFC 101: "Ultimate No Eddie Alvarez"

The UFC comes to Philly - the land of cheesesteaks, aggressive football fans and restaurants where smoking is allowed - and strangely enough, the card lacks fighters from Pennsylvania. Wait, that's not true. Undercarder Matt Riddle was born in Allentown before moving to New York. But other than that, it's doubtful that anyone competing on Saturday night could even find the state on the map. Why the shortage on homegrown talent? Was there no one local worthy of setting foot in the Octagon? I wonder... So, wahoo! UFC 101 predictions!

• It's easy to assume that BJ Penn is going to slaughter Kenny Florian, especially since Penn hasn't lost at lightweight since UFC 35 (and even then it was a close decision). But I give Florian a lot of credit for making himself into a skilled and dangerous fighter, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say Penn will merely massacre the New Englander.
• Forrest Griffin's got a lot heart - which will be proven when Anderson Silva rips it out of the TUF winner's chest and holds it up for all to see.
• Amir Sadollah - does anyone really remember who he is or what happened during his season of TUF? I sure don't. In fact, when he gets into the cage and faces off against Johny Hendricks, Hendricks is going to snap his fingers and say, "Oh, now I remember who you are! You're my pizza delivery guy!"
• If Kendall Grove survives Ricardo Almeida's early, first-round submission assault, Almeida will be mentally broken and become easy prey for the Hawaiian's... whatever it is he does. Clinch and knee game? Dirty boxing? Who knows.
• Josh Neer vs. Kurt Pellegrino? That match-up has staph infection written all over it! (Get it? 'Cause they're both grapplers? Heh.)

Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Day

From the Unsubstantiated Rumor of the Day Department: there may or may not be a WEC scheduled for this Sunday, with 135-pound champ Miguel Torres versus Brian Bowles headlining the card. Granted, this rumor has nothing to do with Fedor and Strikeforce and UFC 101 in Philly, so it might not be relevant (or even interesting) to MMA fans. But the rumor is floating around regardless. Stay tuned while MMA Journalist looks into the matter.

Strikeforce Pairs Up With DREAM; Defacing Of Scott Coker's Lawn Continues

Strikeforce has initiated a strategic alliance with the Japanese promotion DREAM, an alliance that increases the amount and level of talent available for the US-based organization's Showtime cards, as well as enabling the likes of popular overseas fighters Shinya Aoki, Joachim Hansen and Melvin Manhoef to compete live for American fans. Consequently, UFC Head Tantrum Thrower Dana White has ordered a step up in the attacks on Scott Coker's lawn, with a bulldozer reportedly crushing a section of picket fence, a kiddie pool and a swing set outside of the Strikeforce promoter's San Jose home. "When will this carnage end?" said the teenager down the block, who was once paid $25 to mow Coker's lawn but is now left unemployed.

UFC 101 in Philadelphia Still Woefully Short on Eddie Alvarez

Saturday's UFC 101, which is slated for the Wachovia Center in Philadelphia, is still woefully short on Eddie Alvarez - a man considered by all to be the greatest MMA fighter to ever emerge from the "City of Brotherly Love". The card, the organization's first in Pennsylvania, will feature lightweight champ BJ Penn defending his belt against Kenny Florian, while in the co-main event 185-pound champ Anderson Silva moves up to light-heavyweight to take on Forrest Griffin. Unfortunately, Alvarez, who has established himself as a top ten 155-pound wrecking machine and has seen success in DREAM and Bellator FC (the latter of which paid him $175,000 for his recent tournament-winning efforts), will be nowhere near the Octagon on Saturday. Said a randomly called resident of Philadelphia, "Who is this? What do you want? Don't ever call here again."