Mac Danzig to Become First TUF Winner Booted from UFC

Noted vegan and gross underperformer Mac Danzig is slated to become the first TUF winner to be cut from the UFC's roster, as the TUF 6 veteran will be facing New Jersey grappling stud Jim Miller in a lightweight undercard bout on Saturday night's UFC 100 event - a match-up Danzig is destined to lose via submission. The loss will be Danzig's third in a row, bringing his Octagon record to a dismal 1-3 and painting him as the clear-cut winner in the Danzig/Joe Stevenson/Kendall Grove "Race to Suckville". When asked about the honor to be bestowed upon him as the first TUF winner given the boot, Danzig replied: "Guys, please, meat is murder. Team Tofu all the way."

Observations From My Couch: UFC 96

• All weekend long I was trying to think of something disparaging to say about Gray Maynard, as he defeated a fighter I like a lot in Jim Miller. I couldn't, though. Maynard just beat a very tough guy.
• Screw that. Gray Maynard sucks and is about as exciting as watching a constipated frog take a dump.
• Kendall Grove is one leg kick away from ending up like Corey Hill. Dude, eat a sandwich.
• Not only did Matt Hamill impress with that spectacular high-kick knockout, but he seemed pretty adept at speaking Deep Mountain Dwarvish (a la Lord of the Rings) in his post-fight interview. I think he invited fans to his afterparty in the Mines of Moria.
• Dear Jason Brilz, if I wanted to watch one man dry hump another... ah, never mind.
• Tamdan McCrory's motto is apparently "fight like a stud, curse like a sailor". I like that.
• I guess Mike Patt forgot that there is also grappling in mixed martial arts?
• I don't know why Yves Lavigne hates Pete Sell and wants him dead, but I will get to the bottom of this mystery soon.
• Shane Carwin: the man, the myth, the freight train.
• Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans very nearly broke the black-o-meter on my TV. Hmmm... No, let me redo that one. Quinton Jackson's fight against Keith Jardine was mildly entertaining, but his post-fight exchange with Rashad Evans made me think I was watching "The Iron Ring" on BET. Hmmm... Forget it, I got nothing.

Five Reason Why UFC 96 Isn't Going to Suck

Sure, on paper UFC 96 looks like a weak card that will have no impact at all on rankings or provide anything in the "Oh Wow!" department, but there are still reasons to shell out the dough for the pay-per-view. Actually, there are only five reasons - but they're good ones!

1. If he defeats Keith Jardine, Quinton Jackson will have scored a victory for people of color everywhere who are intimidated by white, Aryan Nation-looking dudes who you just know hunt illegal immigrants for sport with high-powered rifles on the weekend.
2. If he defeats Shane Carwin, Gabriel Gonzaga is guaranteed to make that same bug-out face he makes every time he wins, which is cute in a "Dude, what are you? Twelve?" kind of way.
3. If he wins or if he loses, Matt Hamill still isn't going to know if the crowd cheered for him until someone tells him.
4. If he wins, Pete "Drago" Sell's 1992 cherry red Camaro will be refitted with new fluorescent light panels on his vehicle's undercarriage, and the worn fuzzy dice dangling from the rearview mirror will be replaced with gold-colored leather mini-boxing gloves.
5. If he wins, Jim Miller's older brother Dan will give him his little teddy bear "Mr. Sniggles" back - which Dan took from him back in second grade.

UFC 96 to Showcase Jim Miller's Hatred of Neutral Colors

Some fighters favor red. Others gravitate toward blue or yellow, or even green. But rising UFC lightweight star Jim Miller, who handily defeated Matt Wiman and David Baron in the Octagon, doesn't care too much about things like that. He does, however, hate neutral colors - which may translate into one heck of a beating for UFC 96 opponent Gray Maynard. "James absolutely cannot stand any hues or shades that evoke drabness," said interior designer Gustav Santosa. "When I re-did his downstairs bathroom, he had few restrictions, but if I showed him a swatch of fabric or a wallpaper sample that had even the slightest dull or dreary undertone... Ooooh, watch out! He would go ballistic!" Adds Santosa, "No grays whatsoever, mister!" UFC 96 airs live on pay-per-view on Saturday night. In addition to the Miller/Maynard main card fight, the event is headlined by a bout between Quinton "Rampage" Jackson and Keith Jardine.

Gray Maynard to Attempt to Make Sweet, Slow and Methodical Man-Love to Jim Miller at UFC 96

According to http://thegarv.com , Gray Maynard will be facing Jim Miller at UFC 96 - a match-up that will no doubt see the Xtreme Couture lightweight use his lay-and-pray strategy to attempt to make sweet, slow and methodical man-love to the exciting Octagon star. Both men are coming off of wins, with Maynard dry-humping Rich Clementi for the decision at UFC 90 and Miller dominating Matt Wiman in a heart-pounding three-round war at UFC Fight Night: "Fight for the Troops". The one-dimensional Maynard should have a tough time against the well-rounded Miller at UFC 96, though, and fans should expect a big, fat loss on his record after the March 7th event.

Observations from My Couch: UFC "Fight for the Troops"

• Most. Depressing. UFC. Ever. Seriously, I love me some fights, but all those vignettes about wounded soldiers was heartbreaking.
• For this event the ratio of clobbered fighters to non-clobbered fighters at the end of the night was insane. Corey Hill had his shin snapped in half in an unaired preliminary bout (check it out on the UFC website), another fighter wound up with a busted arm, and more than a few did their best to give viewers an firsthand look at just what this Traumatic Brain Injury thing is all about.
• Jim Miller's domination of Matt Wiman was so complete, Wiman had to see a rape counselor after the bout.
• Kudos to Razak Al-Hassan for reminding us how useless Tae Kwon Do is in an MMA fight.
• Nate Loughran's game plan of letting Tim Credeur repeatedly punch him in the face came so close to paying off. So close.
• Jonathan Goulet and Yoshiyuki Yoshida: getting knocked the hell out and going into convulsions so you don't have to.

Matt Wiman Destined to Lose to a New Jersey Fighter on December 10th One Way or Another

Matt Wiman, who was slated to face Toms River native Frankie Edgar at the UFC's December 10th "Fight for the Troops" event on SpikeTV until Edgar suffered a training injury, will now face Whippany-based Jim Miller - a fighter who, like Edgar, dominated the East Coast rankings before graduating to the Octagon. The change of opponents proves that fate has designs on Wiman's future, and those designs include losing to a New Jersey fighter one way or another. Said Wiman, who hails from Oklahoma but has reportedly visited the Garden State to hide bodies and dump his garbage, "Jeez, what did I do to deserve this?"

French Magistrate Issues Arrest Warrant for Jim Miller's Rape of David Baron

A French magistrate has issued an arrest warrant for AMA Fight Club/Team Renzo lightweight Jim Miller, which stems from Miller's three-round raping of Parisien judoka David Baron at UFC 89. The bout, which was not shown on Saturday's SpikeTV broadcast but is available for free at UFC.com, featured a dominant performance by the New Jersey native, with Baron tapping out to a rear naked choke in the third round. Said Magistrate Claude Tete-du-Merde: "Ze people of France will not stand for this outrage. All guilty parties will be brought to justice!" There are no extradition agreements between France and New Jersey, and it is unclear how this may affect Miller's international fighting career.

Frenchman David Baron Prepared to Retreat, Surrender Against Jim Miller

UFC 89 is nearly upon us, and the Birmingham, England event features a bevy of moderately-talented US and international fighters mixed with scrubs - plus the occasional future star. One such future star is lightweight Jim Miller, a jiu-jitsu bad boy who went from dominating the New Jersey circuit to kicking Bart Palaszewski's ass in the IFL. His opponent for UFC 89: David Baron, a Frenchman with a judo background and a recent win over a past-his-prime Hayato Sakurai. Expect Baron to choke on a baguette, complain about America, and retreat and surrender at the earliest opportunity. UFC 89 will air for free on SpikeTV on Saturday night (on a tape delay), and the main event pits UK "Great White Hope" Michael Bisping against the hard-headed Chris Leben in a bout that promises a lot of crazed looks and unintelligible post-fight speeches.

Miller Brothers to Stake Their Claim on the UFC's Lightweight and Middleweight Divisions

Trainer/manager Mike Constantino of the AMA Fight Club in New Jersey announced today that Jim and Dan Miller have been signed by the UFC. With flawless wrestling and top-notch submission skills, Jim has cut a swath through the Northeast's lightweights. He's won a slew of championship belts, and has wins over the likes of Chris Liguori and Bart Palaszewski. Older brother Dan - also a grappling stud - has done much of the same in the 185-pound weightclass, with his kneebar win over Miletich-trained Ryan McGivern garnering him the IFL title. How good are these guys? At the news that they were graduating to the UFC, the Northeast's lightweights and middleweights breathed a collective sigh of relief. Believe it, baby.