French Magistrate Issues Arrest Warrant for Jim Miller's Rape of David Baron

A French magistrate has issued an arrest warrant for AMA Fight Club/Team Renzo lightweight Jim Miller, which stems from Miller's three-round raping of Parisien judoka David Baron at UFC 89. The bout, which was not shown on Saturday's SpikeTV broadcast but is available for free at UFC.com, featured a dominant performance by the New Jersey native, with Baron tapping out to a rear naked choke in the third round. Said Magistrate Claude Tete-du-Merde: "Ze people of France will not stand for this outrage. All guilty parties will be brought to justice!" There are no extradition agreements between France and New Jersey, and it is unclear how this may affect Miller's international fighting career.

Things That Won't Happen at UFC 89

UFC 89. Birmingham, England. SpikeTV. Yeah, right on. Anyway, the following is a list of things that definitely won't happen at the Michael Bisping/Chris Leben headlined event.

1. Chris Leben will not win by omoplata.
2. Michael Bisping will not say anything after the bout that an American will be able to understand.
3. Brandon Vera will not do a victory dance resembling the Cha-Cha or the Charleston. Sadly.
4. Rameau Thierry Sokoudjou will not utilize a cloaking device or shoulder-mounted laser.
5. Marcus Davis will not thank the Irish Republican Army for their war against the British.
6. Chris Lytle will not get cut and bleed profusely. Oh, forget that one. He's going to be spurting blood simply from walking to the cage.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 1

Last night saw the season eight premiere of "The Ultimate Fighter" on SpikeTV, a season dubbed "Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir" that requires captions whenever the Brazilian coach speaks. Excellent. I think the Zuffa and SpikeTV are prepping viewers for a future season where no one speaks any English and contestants live in a big hut deep in some distant jungle. A few things gleaned from the first episode:

• There are rumors that when the DVD of this season comes out, viewers will be able to remove the blurriness that obscured Jason Guida's junk when he was rolling around in his towel.
• Krzysztof Soszynski is an IFL veteran with an 15-8-1 according to Sherdog.com. Does this guy really need to be on TUF facing noobs like Mike Stewart? I think there's a SpikeTV producer out there pulling the strings, and he's got a very dangerous sense of humor.
• Phillipe Nover fainted not from the heat or dehydration, but because he was in the presence of Dana White. Nover has a history of fainting in the presence of superstars; he was backstage at a Barbara Streisand concert and accidentally ran into Babs herself by the vending machine. Boom! Out cold.
• Why you got to knee Brian McLaughlin in the grill when he's on the ground? Not cool, man. Not cool.
• Junie Browning vs. Jose Aguilar was a battle between the douchebag and the dipshit. The fans lose in these match-ups every single time.