Trio of Anabolic Steroids Test Positive for Ken Shamrock

The anabolic steroids Stanozolol, Norandrosterone and Noretiocholanolone have tested positive for aging MMA legend Ken Shamrock and have been suspended for one year, according to a statement released yesterday by the anabolic steroid Deca-Durabolin. The positive test result comes after a post-fight screening for the February 13th Wargods event in California, an event that saw Shamrock defeat some laughably overweight dude via first-round armbar. "Shameful," said the steroid Sustanon. "That's all I have to say about it. It's just shameful." Added the human growth hormone Somatropin, which is used by a wide range of athletes and is virtually undetectable by current screening techniques, "This sort of thing simply will not be tolerated. I mean, Ken Shamrock? Really? Come on."

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 5

• At 8:50 they officially announced that Ken Shamrock is out. His replacement? Seth Petruzelli. The crowd is less than thrilled.
• The venue is almost packed.
• Hulk Hogan has arrived with blonds in tow. Tito Ortiz gets his picture taken with Mr. Hogan. However, Hulkamania does not run wild.
• The big screens are playing Kimbo vs. Tank Abbott. Based on fan reaction here, the outcome is a shock.
• The EliteXC dancing slizzuts are very slizzutish. Their moms must be so proud.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 3

• No one knows what the heck is going on with Kimbo and Shamrock. At this point, they could announce that Kimbo is fighting the janitor (no, not Vladimir Matyushenko - an actual janitor). Who knows.
• Three prelims are now in the books. The crowd in the arena is getting bigger and bigger. That potato salad is delicious.
• Sports Illustrated ace reporter Josh Gross has arrived. I believe the SI helicopter dropped him off at the helipad on the roof.
• At 7:45 there is a lull in the bouts. Tito Ortiz is up and taking pics with fans again. Members of press row may or may not be surfing Internet porn on their laptops.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 2

• The Ken Shamrock/Kimbo Slice fight is definitely off. Sounds like they're trying to get Kimbo to fight TUF veteran Seth Petruzelli.
• Tito Ortiz is here, mobbed by fans and taking pics with every single one of them.
• It's 6:40 and the first of the prelims are about to get underway.
• Cristiane Cyborg just walked by again, this time holding hands with her husband. Small children weep and tremble with fear.

EliteXC "Heat" Liveblog 1

MMA Journalist is here at the BankAtlantic Center to liveblog EliteXC's "Heat" event. At 6:20 the cage is empty, and fans are trickling in to the arena.

• Yves Edwards is wandering around, all smiles as usual.
• Matt Polly, author of "American Shaolin", is here.
• The food selection in the press room consists of hamburgers, hot dogs, grilled chicken breasts and a decent potato salad.
• Polly favors a hot dog slathered in mayonnaise.
• A security guard says there's a rumor going around that Ken Shamrock is injured and that the main event is off. No one is able to confirm or deny this rumor.
• Cristiane Cyborg is strolling around the arena - very friendly and approachable. The blood covering her shirt seems human in origin, but she insists it's from a deer that wandered into the Chute Boxe locker room.

Scenes From an EliteXC Weigh-In

Yeah, so, Gina Carano had to get naked to make weight, Ken Shamrock and Kimbo Slice tussled, and Paul Daley got in Jake Shields' face. Just your standard weigh-in affair.

Kimbo Slice: "Shamrock Ain't Street"

The war of words continues between EliteXC main eventers Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock, this time with Slice adding fuel to the fire. Concerning their impending CBS Saturday night prime time clash, the Internet fighting legend had this to say: "Shamrock ain't street. I'm street." Speaking from his mansion below the MacArthur Causeway in Miami, Slice - wearing a traffic cone on his head and a shirt bearing a painted yellow traffic pattern - went on to discuss his opponent's lack of credibility. "He ain't nothing, man. He thinks he's something he's not. But I'm the real deal. I am street. Cars be tryin' to drive on me - that's how street I am!" Tune in for more as MMA Journalist goes cageside for EliteXC's October 4th extravaganza.

Ken Shamrock: "Kimbo is a Whippersnapper"

Just days away from EliteXC's October 4th magnum opus on CBS and already the pre-fight trash talk has begun to heat up - this time courtesy of Ken Shamrock. In an interview conducted at the Lion's Den Retirement Facility in Ocala, Florida, "Old Man" Shamrock blasted his opponent for being a "disrespectful punk". "Kimbo is a whippersnapper," said the UFC 1 veteran. Hunched over his walker with a glass of Metamucil in hand, he added: "That youngster is in for a lesson he'll never forget. I have bowel movements tougher than him." Stay tuned to MMA Journalist for a rebuttal from Kimbo Slice.

Notes from EliteXC's Kimbo Slice/Ken Shamrock Conference Call

EliteXC hosted a conference call this afternoon for their upcoming CBS "Saturday Night Fights" card, and on hand were main event fighters Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock. While both men remained courteous and gentlemanly throughout the telephonic meeting, there was a distinct pallor of tension in the air, as evidenced by the following select quotes:

• "Mister Slice is, I daresay, a formidable foe, but my skills at pugilism will prove superior." - Ken Shamrock
• "We are in for a donnybrook, chaps. A right donnybrook." - Kimbo Slice
• "The world shall see a Shamrock well-trained and well-prepared. I am feasting on plates of beef steak and roasted chicken daily." - Ken Shamrock
• "He may have his finely-prepared meats, but I have my diet of freshly-baked bread to rely on." -Kimbo Slice
• "Mister Slice and esteemed coach Bas Rutten are in for a surprise, for no amount of training can prepare a man for the fisticuffs Mister Slice and I will engage in." - Ken Shamrock
• "Best of luck to you, old chap. Best of luck." -Kimbo Slice

Rumor: CBS Wants to See Other People

A New York Post article this weekend put forth the rumor that CBS is unhappy with EliteXC and maybe wants to see other people, a rumor that stems from that party CBS and EliteXC threw in July where EliteXC totally got drunk and put a lampshade on its head and threw up in the downstairs bathroom. CBS was apparently pretty displeased that night and promptly friended the UFC on Facebook, and the two have been flirting online ever since. No word yet on how much truth there is to all this, but one thing is for sure: CBS is one fickle wench. All it takes is an awesome Kimbo Slice/Ken Shamrock shindig and the Tiffany Network would go back to holding EliteXC's hand in public and letting the promotion feel it up in the back row of the movie theater.

Brett Rogers Struggles to Remain Relevant

Brett Rogers, who was passed over as an opponent for Kimbo Slice for EliteXC's October 4th event, sent a tear-stained letter to http://fiveouncesofpain.com/ yesterday blasting Slice and Ken Shamrock (who Rogers alleges took his slot on the prime time CBS fight show). An excerpt from the letter reads: "Wah! Wah! *Sniff-sniff* Boo-hoo! Wah! He ain't street! Wah! *Sniffle* Wah!" Kudos to Rogers for remaining relevant both in and out of the cage.

Drunk on Lies and Deceit, Dana White Blasts EliteXC's Kimbo/Ken Shamrock Match-Up

Spewing forth vitriol and words unkind, UFC dictator-for-life Dana White unleashed a profanity-laced tirade of epic proportions in response to the announced match-up between Kimbo Slice and Ken Shamrock for EliteXC's upcoming October 4th show on CBS. Claiming the bout would be the worst thing possible for "this *&^#%^@ sport I made", White attacked the pairing and called it irresponsible matchmaking at its finest. "Ken Shamrock does not belong on primetime television!" said White. "He belongs in the Octagon, fighting Tito Ortiz again! And again! And again!" In addition to the Slice/Shamrock fight, welterweight champ Jake Shields will defend his title against Paul Daley, female superstar Gina Carano will face Kelly Kobald-Gavin, and Benji Radach will square off against Murilo "Ninja" Rua.