Mitch the Intern's TUF 9 Recap: Episode 8

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

Apparently, you have to actually want to be a fighter to become an "Ultimate Fighter". At least, that's what last night's episode taught us.

Close up on Team America: Word Police, training hard while the Queen of England (um, Dan?) talks so slow that her words are almost backwards, like "Hi guys, don't forget to train hard" is really "Ih syug, t'nod tegrof ot niart drah." Also, moss has started to grow on the Queen. We'll see where that goes.

Anyway, the American symbol of depression Jason Pierce sits despondent in a corner, shrouded in misery and blue like that smurf that hated everything is blue. His leg is infected with staph. Will he be able to fight? "I hate fighting," he replies. "I hate legs, too." Pierce pretty much hates it all.

Meawhile, Michael Bisping trains with his ward David Faulkner, with Faulkner's gag reflex the center of attention. "I hate stuff in me mouth," says Faulkner, and cheers erupt in a gay bar in Miami, then everyone does a shot and smacks the ass of the person to their right.

It's Frisbee time! Last week it was tennis, but this week, with no money on the line, Team America: World Police plays Frisbee. Stay tuned for next week, when hackeysack takes center stage.

Back to Pierce, who visits a doctor for his depression and is diagnosed with negative energy syndrome, a disease that affects millions every day and is the leading cause of black holes and trolls who live under bridges. The Queen of England declares her disdain for negative energy, but it comes out as something garbled that only ancient turtles and trees can understand. Vines now dangle from her almost inert form.

But like a hot dog dangled before a fat kid who hasn't eaten in hours, we don't get to see Pierce fight this week. Instead, Team America: World Police representative Jason Dent is paired up with ex-Monty Python member Jeff Lawson. Lawson provides the much needed comedic relief in that pressure cooker known as the TUF house, with most of his antics centering around skits involving him dressed as some sort of big-eared animal interacting with Mexican wrestlers. Also, we get to see his exposed butt (and in that gay bar in Miami, everyone cheers, does a shot and smacks the ass of the person on their right).

Suddenly it's fight day, and everyone heads to the TUF training center to prepare for battle. Dana White shows up, apparently aware that Pierce hates everything, and pulls him and the Queen of England aside. "How is your staph-infected leg?" asks Dana, adding a string of F-bombs and some colorful profanity.

"I hate it," replies Pierce. "Also, I hate you."

Dana dismisses them, then we're subjected to a sloppy MMA bout that sees Lawson on top in Round 1, trying fruitlessly to get a submission or drop leather but really looking like someone who has only heard MMA described and never actually seen a bout. Lawson runs out of gas in Round 2, though, and Dent applies an Anaconda choke to end the Brit's run at TUF glory.

Back to Dana, who's had time to mull over Pierce's responses and hatred over everything. He calls Pierce and the Queen back into a secluded room. "You don't want to be a fucking fighter, Pierce, so you're done." Pierce weeps a little, but then realizes he hates weeping, and moves on. The end.

Point/Counterpoint: The Country Breakfast vs. The Spaghetti Dinner

Point: The Country Breakfast- Woo-wee do you have a hard day on the farm ahead of you! Already you've cleaned out the hen house and fed the pigs, but now that the sun is up you have plenty of other chores to take care of - like milking the cows and chopping some fire wood. So why don't you sit right down over there and dig into that fresh stack of steaming pancakes. Want some maple syrup with that? Here, eat some of these sausage links and bacon strips, too. Also, don't forget to change the hay in the horse barn, and I believe the new parts for the combine have arrived at the general store in town, so don't forget to pick those up. Care for a bowl of oatmeal? There's sliced banana mixed in there. And have some of these scrambled eggs - they're a little runny, which is just how you like them. Did you hear that tree go down in the storm last night? It sounded like it was along the northern edge of the property, and if it fell and busted up the fence, well, that fence is going to need fixin' or else them sheep'll get out. Why don't you check on that, too? But first, I have a waffle and some biscuits ready for you. Eat up, boy!

Counterpoint: The Spaghetti Dinner- Bonjourno! How nice of you to drop by! I heard you were coming so I laid out a nice antipasti. It's got your favorite - melon wrapped in prosciutto - and when you finish with that there's some fried calamari with marinara. Mange! Mange! You look so thin these days. Are you getting enough to eat? Here, have some spaghetti - al dente, just how you like it. And here, have two-three meatballs. Mama-mia, those meatballs are good! Three kinds of meat in there, with garlic and basil and just the right amount of love! Mwah! Here, have some escarole with that. It's good for you. And when you're done, I've got some cannolis in the ice box. That's-a my boy!

From the Mailbag re: Should Dana White Go for MMA to Grow?

From the mailbag: "Yo dogg, you crazy. my boy Dana knows whats up. he benn makin all the right moves to get evything where it is. He needs to stay and YOU NEED TO GO!!!1" - Newarkninja83

Thanks for the kind words, Newarkninja83. And I use the word "words" very, very loosely.

Things That Won't Happen at UFC 98

UFC 98 is Saturday night at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas, with light-heavyweight champ Rashad Evans defending his belt against Lyoto "Bruce Leroy" Machida, and Matt Hughes and Matt Serra finally meeting in a co-main event heralded as a grudge match but more akin to "Oh Jeez, Just Get the Damn Fight Over With" bout. Anyhoo, here's a list of things that won't happen at UFC 98:

• Machida will not move forward. In fact, the infamous backpedaler will make his way to the Octagon backwards.
• Hughes and Serra will not engage in a rousing striking-only battle. No, something about that whole match-up screams "Grappling! One man laying on another!"
• Xavier Foupa-Pokam's name will not be made fun of at any afterparties. By drunken strippers. To his face. While he secretly weeps on the inside. At the painful memories of kids in grade school making fun of him.
• Chael Sonnen will not win.
• Frankie Edgar and Sean Sherk will not engage in or employ any kind of wrestling or wrestling technique. Instead, they will box like 1920s style boxers with their "dukes up".

Dana White Promotional Tour to Include Appearance on Jimmy Fallon Show, Ringing NASDAQ Bell, Selling Hotdogs at Gray's Papaya and Using Macy's Toilet

In conjunction with his promotional tour for the release of the "UFC 2009 Undisputed" video game, UFC Giant Tiki-Tiki Head Dana White will be appearing on the "Late Night with Jimmy Fallon" show tonight in New York City, as well as ringing the closing bell for the NASDAQ stock exchange. According to a statement issued by Zuffa, White will also be selling hotdogs at the 72nd Street & Broadway Gray's Papaya location at midday, using the toilet at the world-famous Macy's department store in midtown, vomiting on the sidewalk in front of where CBGB's once stood on the Bowery and hawking stolen car stereos under the Manhattan Bridge in Chinatown. If his schedule permits it, White will also stab a pedestrian in Morningside Park and pass out in a hooker's apartment in the Frederick Douglass Houses low-income housing projects.

Q & A with Mirko CroCop's Shin

With the recent news that Mirko CroCop may be returning to the Octagon for UFC 99 in Germany, MMA Journalist tracked down the once-feared Pride star's shin for an interview. Always willing to talk, CroCop's shin addressed a number of issues, including up-coming opponent Mustapha Al-Turk and the pressure of performing.

• So, you're CroCop's shin. How's that working out for you? Great! It's going great.
• How's it feel to be returning to the UFC? Things didn't exactly work out for you the last time around... No, they absolutely did not. But you know what? I blame that on bad match-ups.
• Bad match-ups? Yeah. I mean, look at who I faced. Gabriel Gonzaga, who totally copied my signature move - which I had trademarked, and yes, there is still legal action pending for trademark infringement. And then there was Cheick Kongo. Do you realize how tall that guy is? I can get up that high, man. I just can't.
• Okay, so you faced opponents who were bad match-ups for you. What about your UFC 99 opponent, Mustapha Al-Turk? Oh, he should be no problem. He's only about 6'2", so I definitely can reach his head.
• Do you feel any sort of pressure in regards to your return? After all, you were at one time considered one of the top heavyweight fighters in the world. Yeah, yeah, blah, blah. I was at the top but now I'm not. Listen, of course there's pressure. There always is in bouts you give a crap about. I didn't feel any pressure in my previous UFC bouts because I didn't give a crap about them. I honestly thought Pride fighters were tougher than UFC fighters, so I thought it would be easy. Well, I learned otherwise, so now I give a crap. Consequently, now I feel pressure.
• How do you feel fighting for the UFC? Do you miss Pride? I like the UFC fine. Do I miss Pride? Well, I gotta tell you, I miss that cute little Japanese number who'd hit on me after my bouts. Now I have this clown Joe Rogan sticking a microphone in my face. He is no where near as cute.
• Alrighty then. That's all the questions I have. Do you want to add anything for the fans? Sure. Stay tuned for a knockout at UFC 99. I've been kicking over banana trees in training and I'm going to take someone's head off.
• Banana trees? Really? No, not really. It just sounds cool.

From the Mailbag re: Should Dana White Go for MMA to Grow?

From the mailbag: "Congratulations! You have been awarded the sum of $10,000,000 USD from the Royal Nigerian State Lottery. To collect your prize, send your full name, address, telephone number and date of birth to ukoffice10@btinternet.com and you will be mailed a check for the sum. Do not delay in your reply." - Online Notification

Gee, thanks Mr. Online Notification. That really doesn't address the whole Dana White question, but I appreciate your response.

Congrats to Team New York San Da

Congrats are in order for Team New York San Da for their performances at that New York-area underground show in Friday. The event may have been unsanctioned and unregulated, but the fact that you stepped into the cage to test and sharpen yourselves speaks volumes to your progress as a fight team.

Observations From My Couch: Bellator FC Week 7

• Alonzo Martinez, Victor Meza, Jose Chalupa, Chico Gonzales... A whole bunch of people I still don't know fought and won and lost. Yippee.
• Boy was that Jay White/Eddie Sanchez bout a non-starter. That shouldn't even count as a win for Sanchez. That should go on his criminal record as a mugging.
• It was nice of Jorge Ortiz to get all in shape for his welterweight semifinal bout. Please, someone get that guy a sandwich or something and then make him do some calisthenics.
• Lyman Good is like a life-sized action figure that can punch you in the face really hard and choke the crap out of you. Fear him.
• It's sad seeing someone like Dave Menne - the UFC's first middleweight champ and a true elder statesman in the sport - get his ass completely handed to him. Time is the enemy of us all.
• Omar De La Cruz versus Good for the welterweight crown. Can I get a woot-woot?

Observations From My Couch: "Strikeforce Challengers"

• You'd think that at some point someone would have clued Tito Jones in on the fact that he was in a fight and not a sparring match. In fights, you actually have to defeat your opponent, not just rock them and let them recover.
• Aaron Rosa and Anthony Ruiz - not ready for prime time!
• I'd like to see Lavar Johnson against someone like Alistair Overeem or Brett Rogers. He'd probably have to throw two or three punches then.
• Sarah Kaufman and Miesha Tate had a decent little scrap, but one thing was very apparent as the bout went on: neither one were Tara LaRosa.
• It's good that the Mike Aina/Billy Evangelista bout was stopped in Round 2. If it had gone the distance, there's no telling how many more fouls Evangelista would have committed.