WEC Succumbs to Wall Street Crisis and Downsizes

The crisis on Wall Street has hit the world of mixed martial arts, with the WEC announcing today that they are officially abolishing their middleweight and light-heavyweight divisions to cut costs. The downsizing, which will leave 185-pound fighters such as Paulo Filho, Chael Sonnen and Tim McKenzie and 205-pound fighters such as Doug Marshall and Steve Cantwell unemployed, allows the promotion to focus completely on the smaller weight classes and save money that would normally be spent on actual human-sized athletes. "It's just dollars and sense," says Head Midget Wrangler Reed Harris. "Someone like Brian Stann is going to want to stay in a room at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and eat energy bars and fruit backstage, whereas we can just keep Urijah Faber in a small cage and feed him crickets. It's just dollars and sense."

WEC to Ditch Human-Sized Weight Classes and Focus on Anything Hobbit-Sized and Smaller

The WEC, home of champion hamster Urijah Faber and some of the best "little fellas" in mixed martial arts, will reportedly be getting rid of their heavier 185-pound and 205-pound weight classes some time in the future. This means the following changes will be implemented:

• Middleweight champ Paulo Filho and light-heavyweight golden boy Brian Stann will migrate to the UFC, where they'll promptly be killed by legitimate competition.
• The cage will be fitted with a giant magnifying glass so viewers can better see the action within and the combatants.
• Two new divisions - the microscopic division and the molecular division - will be added.
• Events will be hosted at the Hard Rock Hotel in Munchkinland, Oz. Also, the Shire.
• Frank Mir will no longer interview the bout winner then turn around and eat the loser.

Observations from My Couch: WEC 35

-Microscopic East Coast dude defeated microscopic West Coast dude. Does the WEC care that I don't know who these people are? Probably not. -Jamie Varner beat Marcus Hicks senseless in the first defense of his lightweight crown. Varner retains his title as "the best 155-pounder out there not good enough for the UFC". -Steve Cantwell's versatile striking is more powerful than Brian Stann, the Marine Corps, the United States, freedom, liberty and apple pie combined. Cantwell is now the WEC's light-heavyweight champ. Does this mean Communism has prevailed? -Josh Grispi and Brock Larson. Youch. Nice ones, guys. -Welterweight champ Carlos Condit defeated Hiromitsu Miura after a prolonged and epic battle that lasted into the fourth round. Condit managed this feat despite having really sucky judo skills.