Observations From My Couch: UFC 95

• It's been a long time coming, but it was good to finally see Mike Ciesnolevicz in the Octagon.
• Per Eklund, Evan Dunham, Stefan Struve, Junior Dos Santos... I had no idea who they were before UFC 95, and after seeing them fight, I still have no idea who they are.
• What language was Terry Etim speaking? Romulan? Please don't put a microphone in his face again.
• Josh Koscheck. The best welterweight fighter out there capable of getting knocked out by anyone.
• Demian Maia looked great, but how much of that was Chael Sonnen sucking?
• Bravo to Dan Hardy for keeping the mohawk alive. Rock on, punky.
• Diego Sanchez had a decent win, but it wasn't awe-inspiring. His nickname should no longer be "the Nightmare". "The Fitful Dream" would be more apt.

Predictions for UFC 95: "Ultimate Joe-Silva-Not-Even-Trying-Anymore"

Man, the excitement for Saturday's UFC 95 star-studded gala event just builds and builds. MMA Journalist has popped a few Xanax to calm down and has formulated these predictions for the mega-super-ultra-uber-event:

• Josh Koscheck and Paulo Thiago are going to go at it and go at it hard, and I'll probably take this time to sit on the toilet and read the rest of "Blood in the Cage" by L. Jon Wertheim. Maybe I'll take a shower.
• Demian Maia and Chael Sonnen will battle. I think I'll use that time to watch an episode of the "West Wing" on DVR.
• Wilson Gouveia and Nate Marquardt should be a contest of wills and clash of styles. Another episode of "West Wing" on DVR, thank you very much.
• Dan Hardy and Rory Markham will square off in what could be an utter war. Chances are, though, that I will stare at the TV for about 20 seconds, realize I could be eating that leftover pad thai in the refrigerator, and remedy the situation.
• Diego Sanchez vs. Joe Stevenson could be a big ball full of "wow!" so I might actually watch this one at normal speed and not fast-forward (remember: I have DVR). We'll see. I might surf the Internet instead.

Drug-Addled Paulo Filho Thinks He's Gina Carano, Fails to Make Weight

Middleweight belt holder Paulo Filho, whose battles with substance abuse prompted a recent stint in rehab, failed to make weight yesterday for his WEC 36 bout against Chael Sonnen, rendering their championship contest a three-round, non-title affair. The Brazilian Top Team star was reportedly wearing a wig and a skirt at the official weigh-ins, and while insisting everyone call him "Gina", stepped on to the scale at 192 pounds (a whopping seven pounds over the limit). "Paulo is... having some issues right now," said main handler Ed Soares, who ended up chasing Filho around the venue while Filho giggled and squealed. Added Soares: "I assure you, she - err, I mean he - will be ready for his fight." Tonight's WEC 36 will also feature a match-up between minuscule warriors Urijah Faber and Mike Brown and will air live on the "Versus" cable channel.

WEC Succumbs to Wall Street Crisis and Downsizes

The crisis on Wall Street has hit the world of mixed martial arts, with the WEC announcing today that they are officially abolishing their middleweight and light-heavyweight divisions to cut costs. The downsizing, which will leave 185-pound fighters such as Paulo Filho, Chael Sonnen and Tim McKenzie and 205-pound fighters such as Doug Marshall and Steve Cantwell unemployed, allows the promotion to focus completely on the smaller weight classes and save money that would normally be spent on actual human-sized athletes. "It's just dollars and sense," says Head Midget Wrangler Reed Harris. "Someone like Brian Stann is going to want to stay in a room at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino and eat energy bars and fruit backstage, whereas we can just keep Urijah Faber in a small cage and feed him crickets. It's just dollars and sense."

God Declares WEC an Abomination, Sends Hurricane

Taking a stand against what He describes as an "abomination of little people fighting", God has sent Hurricane Ike to the South Florida/Gulf Coast region, forcing the postponement of September 10th's WEC 36 event at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Hollywood, Florida to November 5th. "This isn't the first time this has happened," says WEC chief midget wrangler Reed Harris. "God sent down a plague of locusts and made it rain frogs when we did shows in Lemoore, and he turned the water at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas into blood. We just reschedule and keep going." WEC 36 will feature champion hamster Urijah Faber defending his belt against leprechaun Mike Brown, as well as a rematch between Paulo Filho and Chael Sonnen.