Observations From My Couch: UFC 100

• The robbery perpetrated in the rendering of the decision for the Yoshihiro Akiyama/Alan Belcher fight was so blatant and egregious that Akiyama now has a felony on his record.
• Dan Henderson may have landed a huge, crowd-pleasing knockout, but he did fans everywhere a great disservice. No way are we going to be able to understand what Michael Bisping says now.
• Next on Ultimate Grip Fighting Championship: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago. Who will come out on top in the meticulous and pain-staking battle to do nothing but place their hands on various strategic parts of their opponent's body? Stay tuned!
• Georges St. Pierre looked dominant, but that groin injury he sustained was inevitable. No one can dry hump someone for 25 minutes without injuring themselves. No one.
• Coors Lite and banging your wife, eh? Brock, are you telling us this because you feel insecure about that dingling tattooed on your chest? Methinks the wrestler doth protest too much.

Predictions for UFC 100: "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View"

UFC 100 is nearly upon us, and the event - dubbed "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View" - might actually be worth the clams shelled out to watch the damn thing. There are about two and a half main events, with Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir squaring off, Georges St. Pierre and Thiago Alves doing their thang, and Michael Bisping and Dan Hend... zzzzzz. Ahem, anyway, predictions!

• Brock, oh Brock. Brockety-Brock. Brock-brock-brock-bakaw! Brock-the-house, brock-brock-the-house. Brock-and-roll forever, baby!
• Oh yeah, Mir by submission.
• As Alves is more of a striker than a grappler, St. Pierre's technique of slathering himself with Vaseline, baby oil, raw petroleum and margarine will avail him naught. Alves by TKO, and St. Pierre will leave the Octagon a broken man, comforted only by the loving snorts of his moose, Matilda.
• Dan Henderson is getting old but is still tougher than a $2 steak. Bisping's greatest moment was his gritty portrayal of Pikey Number 4 in the movie "Snatch". Hendo by split decision.
• Congratulations Paulo Thiago, you've defeated Josh Koscheck! Your reward: a fatal beating at the hands of Jon Fitch! Yay!
• Yoshihiro Akiyama by JUDO CHOP! Hiyaaa!

Brock Lesnar Revealed to be "The Juggernaut" and Promptly Arrested; UFC 100 Bout in Jeopardy

Heavyweight champ Brock Lesnar, whose massive frame was set to grace the Octagon on Saturday night to face interim champ Frank Mir, has been revealed to be "The Juggernaut", a notorious criminal wanted for an assortment of bank robberies and the wanton destruction of millions of dollars in property. The revelation - a shock to those within the MMA community - has since led to Lesnar's arrest by Las Vegas authorities. This has left the Lesnar/Mir UFC 100 match-up in jeopardy, and leaves Zuffa brass in the awkward position of having to post bail or else lose their main event. As the Juggernaut, Lesnar has clashed with the outlaw band of mutants the X-Men a number of times, and has even faced off against the Incredible Hulk, with his invulnerability and seemingly limitless strength making him an extremely difficult villian to battle against. When detained by the Las Vegas Police Department and asked to identify himself, Lesnar's response purportedly was a curt "I'm the Juggernaut, bitch". Stay tuned for more as this story develops.

Why No Frank Mir at WEC 39?

Frank Mir is an excellent color commentator who brings a ton of knowledge, experience and credibility to the microphone when he sits cageside for WEC events and waxes prophetic. But he was noticeably absent at Sunday's WEC 39, and while stand-in Jens Pulver was more than up to the task, the question remained: Where was Mir? Says a company insider who asked to remain anonymous, "We'd just decided to bring in flyweights as a new weight class the organization would focus on, and a few of the 125-pounders were flown in to be introduced for the broadcast. Well, somehow they end up in a room with Frank, and the UFC champ eats them." According to the source, this isn't the first time Mir has devoured smaller athletes, but by all accounts those "days of eating anyone under 155 pounds" were behind him. It's unclear at this point if this will affect Mir's role as commentator. Stay tuned for more as the story develops.

Observations from My Couch: UFC 92

• Cheick Kongo looked great in the cage. I also thought he was fantastic in "Gladiator" with Russel Crowe, he was solid in "Blood Diamond" opposite Leonardo DiCaprio, and he was the lone bright spot in "Never Back Down".
• I hated seeing Wanderlei Silva destroyed like that. Gone are his speed and overwhelming aggression. There's no denying Father Time has caught up with him.
• Reese Andy vs. Matt Hamill is the reason why watching wrestlers box makes me nauseous.
• Based on the extensive bandaging on Mike Massenzio's leg, I was sure he was channeling the powers of the Ancient Egyptian Mummy. Alas, it didn't work.
• Frank Mir. Believe it.
• Rashad Evans didn't just win by ground and pound, he won by GROUND AND POUND.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episodes 11 & 12

The last two episodes were aired back to back, and they featured the final four match-ups to decide who makes it to the finale. Stankie more or less remained on the back burner for them, which is just as well, as Junie Browning was there to satisfy the "crazy" quotient.

• Ryan Bader is nonstop excitement and in his bout with Eliot Marshall he showed a wide range of mixed martial arts skills.
• Good Lord am I kidding. That performance was all suck, all the time.
• How well-rounded is Phillipe Nover? After tapping George Roop out with a kimura, he gave Roop a post-fight medical examination in the locker room - and then prescribed him pain medication for his shoulder!
• Krzysztof Soszynski introduced an interesting formula. He stated that one punch turns a jiu-jitsu black belt into a brown belt, and one combination can turn that same fighter into a white belt. What does a kick turn that black belt into? A purple belt? What about a knee to the midsection? A judo throw? An elbow to the jaw?
• I don't know what's worse: Browning's disgraceful actions in the house or Dana White's disgraceful decision to let him stay.
• The episode ended with coach Nogueira shaving coach Mir's head. This little bit of hairstyling coupled with White's "beat him off" comment is why TUF night is huge in gay bars across the nation.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 8

Another Wednesday night, another TUF 8 episode. Coach Mir grows more and more toolish, Stankie is kept off screen (aside from some crazy, old man gesticulating), and bodily fluids are consumed in "weird German porno" fashion.

• Fruit marinated in urine and sushi coated in man-chowder. Ugh. Why is it that whenever I hype an episode and tell all my friends to watch it, the gay stuff happens? Now everyone is avoiding me.
• Boiled duck fetuses? I guess for Phillipe Nover, fear is definitely not a factor.
• Junie Browning giving out tips on how to beat his teammate Dave Kaplan is only half of what he did. Although it wasn't shown, Browning also let the air out of the tires on Kaplan's dirt bike and ate his pillow.
• Nover hits very hard. So hard, in fact, that not only was Kaplan knocked silly enough to believe he was still the better fighter of the two afterwards, but coach Mir too was concussed into believing Kaplan was superior. I sincerely hope both Kaplan and Mir have since gotten MRIs and brain scans.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 7

The seventh episode of TUF 8, blah, blah, blah. Eccentric assistant coach Stankie was very subdued this week, as prior to filming he'd spent a few nights in Clark County Jail for bringing a live grenade into famed strip joint Spearmint Rhino. Hey man, it wasn't like he was going to pull the pin or anything.

• Coach Mir's victory speech to Junie Browning consisted of a lot of "Dude, you suck!" and a tiny bit of "But congrats anyway". Interesting coaching style, buddy.
• Running on a treadmill with a scuba mask on and diving into a giant ice bath? Last night, Wanderlei Silva was sitting in his living room with his conditioning coach, and they were laughing their asses off at the young fighters tricked into taking part in these elaborate pranks disguised as "cutting-edge training methods".
• Why is Shane Nelson getting camera time? Didn't he already get beat? He should be out mowing a lawn somewhere.
• Okay, let me get this straight: Krzysztof Soszynski requests a body bag and the producers don't flip out? Come on. You just know Dana White got a phone call on that one.
• Fiery Brazilian drama between Coach Nogueira and Vinicius Magalhaes alert! Woot-woot! Someone is defintely getting stabbed with one of those giant meat skewers they use at churrascarias.
• Vinny's fight against Jules Bruchez was a solid ten on the "meh" meter.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 6

Last night brought us the sixth episode of the TUF 8 season, and we were treated to Junie Browning finally putting his money where his mouth is, coach Mir being a douche, and... wait for it... wait for it... STANKIE!

• Team Noguiera boxing coach Stankie is the best thing to ever happen to SpikeTV. Shouting "Fight, fight, kill, kill!" was just the tip of the iceberg. I just know he was out in the parking lot afterwards smashing windshields with a tire iron, and I have it on good authority that when the Team Mir van was shuttling the fighters back to the TUF house, Stankie tried to run it off the road with his beat-up 1974 Dodge Charger.
• Browning may never know how close to death he came for spitting on that black belt. Word is that Anderson Silva was mad as hell, and to release some of his anger, went over to one of the hanging bags and kicked it. The bag burst into flames.
• Based on his striking and wrestling ability, there's no question Roli Delgado is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt.
• Although he snagged the split decision, Browning did not impress with that performance. If he ever fights Phillipe Nover, Nover is going to take his head clean off.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 3

Last night was the third episode of the TUF 8 season, which, based on what we've seen thus far, is a season that will entail a lot of action, coach Nogueira speaking and us not understanding him, and enough drunken antics to make even the most hardened alcoholic say, "Jeez, guys, chill out."

• All your booze belong to Junie Browning. All your stupidity, too.
• Al "Stankie" returns! Few may remember a non-English-speaking Vitor Belfort crying out "Stankie? Stankie?" after he won UFC 12. Ah, the good old days.
• Coach Nogueira thinks some of his guys should open a restaurant based on their cooking skills. In the extra footage that will be available on the TUF 8 DVD, coach Mir takes Krzysztof Soszynski aside and says that, based on his wrapping skills, he should work for UPS.
• Ryan Bader and Tom Lawlor made for a good fight. Seriously. They came to throw down.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 2

The second episode of TUF 8: "Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir" graced our television screens last night, with the selection process in full swing and an assortment of hopefuls scrapping for a slot in the TUF house. Thankfully, Dana White's profanity and Minotauro's subtitled dialogue was kept to a minimum.

• Is Frank Mir shouting instructions for both fighters during the fights? Holy confusing, Batman!
• Ido Pariente is the highest-profile fighter Israel has produced. For choking Pariente out, Efrain Escuadero can expect a visit from Mossad sometime soon.
• John "Huggy Bear" Polakowski apparently has no qualms about embracing another man in times of happiness and celebration. Mir, on the other hand, employs a rigid three-second rule. Expect hilarity in upcoming episodes with Polakowski running around the gym with open arms and Mir hiding under the Octagon.
• The preview at the end of the episode provided brief glimpses of the rest of the season, including drunkenness (surprise!), rowdiness (no way!) and Dana White telling the cast to "beat each other off". It looks like TUF's heterosexual leanings will remain intact.

The UFC Really, Really, Really, Really Wants Brock Lesnar to Be Champ

During yesterday's UFC-hosted conference call announcing Randy Couture's return to the organization, High Exalted One Dana White announced a November 15th match-up between the fighting legend and relative MMA newcomer Brock Lesnar for Couture's heavyweight belt (with Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira's interim title apparently worth as much as a cheesy paperweight bought at a retired postal worker's yard sale). The message here is clear: the UFC really, really, really, really wants Lesnar to be champ. No, like REALLY wants him to be champ. Nevermind that he was 1-0 before entering the UFC, that he lost to Frank Mir in his Octagon debut, and that he only had to defeat Heath Herring to earn his shot at the belt - the "Superbowl of Mixed Martial Arts" wants Lesnar to have every possibly opportunity to be their star heavyweight. And regardless of how many other more-skilled, experienced and worthy contenders there are, you must not question it.

WEC to Ditch Human-Sized Weight Classes and Focus on Anything Hobbit-Sized and Smaller

The WEC, home of champion hamster Urijah Faber and some of the best "little fellas" in mixed martial arts, will reportedly be getting rid of their heavier 185-pound and 205-pound weight classes some time in the future. This means the following changes will be implemented:

• Middleweight champ Paulo Filho and light-heavyweight golden boy Brian Stann will migrate to the UFC, where they'll promptly be killed by legitimate competition.
• The cage will be fitted with a giant magnifying glass so viewers can better see the action within and the combatants.
• Two new divisions - the microscopic division and the molecular division - will be added.
• Events will be hosted at the Hard Rock Hotel in Munchkinland, Oz. Also, the Shire.
• Frank Mir will no longer interview the bout winner then turn around and eat the loser.

Obligatory Brock Lesnar Post

At some point the UFC stopped being about the best mixed martial artists in the world and started being about who sells tickets and pay-per-views. Case in point: Brock Lesnar, an inexplicable media magnet with legions of fans and a fraction of the skill top dogs Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir possess. Dana White has wasted no opportunity to blast EliteXC for their promoting of streetfighter Kimbo Slice, but what's the UFC's excuse for pushing Lesnar? The UFC's entire anemic heavyweight division rests squarely on the shoulders of a chiseled former pro-wrestler with a tattoo of a dingling on his chest. Folks, he ain't worthy.