Predictions for Strikeforce: "Carano vs. Cyborg"

• Jay Hieron will be declared the winner by disqualification when, after seeing opponent Jesse Taylor stumble, slur his words and vomit three times on the way to the ring, officials determine that Taylor is intoxicated to the point of blacking out.
• Renato "Babalu" Sobral and Gegard Mousasi will wage an absolute war over the Strikeforce light-heavyweight belt. But no matter what the outcome, Babalu's finely-coiffed hair will remain pristine.
• Utilizing world-class jiu-jitsu, Fabricio Werdum is going to get Mike Kyle down and mount him. Kyle will then produce a taser and stun the Brazilian, and when he's disqualified for cheating, he'll claim it was just "a heat of the moment thing".
• Gilbert Melendez and Mitsuhiro Ishida are just going to wrestle. That's it. Just wrestle.
• Gina Carano will defeat Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos after a long, protracted battle. She will, unfortunately, sustain a bite in the bout, and during the next full moon will temporarily transform into a feral Brazilian jungle cat.

UFC's Strikeforce Counter-Programming To Include Brock Lesnar Sex Tape

The UFC's anti-Strikeforce effort is in full-swing with the announcement that SpikeTV will air an alleged Brock Lesnar sex tape at the same time as Strikeforce's "Carano vs. Cyborg" event on Showtime on Saturday night. The Lesnar tape is rumored to include the UFC heavyweight champ's recent antics with a giant inflatable Coors Lite can, his molestation of the Minnesota Vikings' mascot "Viktor E. Viking", and clips of his bachelor party, where strippers reportedly frolicked in over 1,000 pounds of carp. "You want to take my Fedor from me?" crowed Chief UFC Cry Baby Dana White. "Scott Coker, I play for keeps!"

New Breed Fighters Event This Weekend To Feature "Wilkie's Warriors Against The World" Challenge

New Breed Fighters has been churning out amateur MMA events in Atlantic City for a while now and New Jersey MMA pioneer Alex Wilkie has been churning out fighters, so it was only a matter of time before a fight card came along that pitted competitors from a number of different camps against Wilkie's best up-and-comers. Well, that scenario is going down on Saturday night at the Resorts Casino with NBF's "Wilkie's Warriors Against the World". The fight card here - www.wilkieswarriors.com/schedule.html - and a quick glance reveals Wilkie's students will be facing representatives from Team Carmine Zocchi, MFS, Kassaki Kai Karate, Team Emerson Souza and NYC BJJ, among others. How confident is Alex Wilkie in his team? He's apparently offering a $150 gift certificate to Gallagher's Bar & Grille (which is in the casino) to anyone who defeats one of his guys. That's pretty cool. MMA Journalist will be home watching Strikeforce that night, but if you're in Atlantic City, this NBF installment is definitely worth checking out.

Kenny Florian: "I Was Winning Until BJ Beat The Piss Out Of Me"

Lightweight contender Kenny Florian may have been defeated in his UFC 101 scrap against BJ Penn, but according to a recent radio interview, the Massachusetts native feels he was ahead on the scorecards until they actually started fighting. "I was winning until BJ beat the piss out of me," said Florian, who for four rounds managed to batter the Hawaiian's fists with his head before succumbing to a choke. "I mean, up until when the referee said 'go', I was kicking his ass. You could see it on BJ's face." The night ended with Florian tapping out. But the TUF 1 veteran insists that before that, and before the referee even said 'go', he was in Penn's head and on the verge of victory. "Honestly, I had him right where I wanted him, right where we'd planned on him being. I mean, if not for the hellacious beating I took on the feet for the duration of Rounds 1 through 3, and the takedown and dominance he exerted over me on the ground in Round 4, I would've at least gotten the decision."

Strikeforce Replaces Unrepentant Stoner With Unmitigated Drunk

Strikeforce has replaced an unrepentant stoner with an unmitigated drunk for their "Carano vs. Cyborg" event on Saturday, abandoning the pairing of Nick Diaz and Jay Hieron and instead matching Hieron up with Jesse Taylor. According to the California State Athletic Commission, Diaz refused to put down his bag of Cheetos and get up from his couch to take a pre-fight drug test, thereby killing his chance at getting licensed in time. Without missing a beat, Strikeforce matchmakers scoured local bars and drunk tanks and came up with TUF 7 veteran Taylor, whose wrestling and hard-charging style, plus the fact that he was booted from "The Ultimate Fighter" for a booze-fueled rampage, makes him a decent opponent for the Xtreme Couture-trained former IFL champ. "We're pleased with the Jay Hieron/Jesse Taylor match-up," said a Strikeforce spokesman. "After Nick Diaz failed to get licensed, we considered finding Mr. Hieron a heroin or crack addict, but Mr. Taylor was too much of a mess to pass up." Strikeforce's Saturday show will also feature a lot of sober fighters, too.

Nick Diaz Too Stoned To Take Pre-Fight Drug Test, Inadvertantly Urinates Into Bong

Nick Diaz was reportedly too stoned to be able to take a California State Athletic Commission-mandated pre-fight drug screening on Friday, with the welterweight star inadvertently urinating into a bong and attempting to hand CSAC representatives that as his sample. The urine collection procedure, which must take place in the presence of a commission inspector and go into a sterile plastic cup, has been rescheduled for today, but Diaz's actions have cast doubt on whether his promised match-up against Jay Hieron for Saturday's Strikeforce: "Carano vs. Cyborg" may actually happen. When asked to comment, the Gracie-trained fighter said, "Dude, I... wait, what?"

Observations From My Couch: WEC 42

• Leonard Garcia was choked so hard by Jameel Massouh, the former drug mule puked up two cocaine-filled balloons (which had to be cleaned up by the WEC ring janitor in between rounds). The dude's a badass for surviving and pulling out the win after that.
• Jeff Curran just cannot catch a break. Is there no room in this sport for our storied veterans and pioneers?
• The best thing about two wrestlers engaging in a striking contest is that, when one gets hit like Ricardo Lamas did, they get messed up big time.
• Joseph Benavidez got handled. Plain and simple.
• Brian Bowles knocked out Miguel Torres? No! Mullet power never die!

Observations From My Couch: UFC 101

• Kurt Pellegrino earned a solid win over a decent opponent in Josh Neer, and "Batman" managed to do it without using his air-powered grappling-hook gun, his forearm brace that shoots throwing stars, or any of the other nifty inventions the Dark Knight often employs.
• I love Ricardo Almeida and believe he's an icon, but against Kendall Grove the man was a human hug-machine and blanket. I miss the smooth submission master.
• Maybe Amir Sadollah's bout was stopped too soon, maybe it wasn't. Either way, he needs to learn to intelligently defend himself at all times.
• Aaron Riley vs. Shane Nelson was like a man fighting a boy. Nelson needs to hit puberty fast if wants to be competitive against the other lightweights.
• Anderson Silva didn't just defeat Forrest Griffin, he owned him. Griffin is now Silva's manservant and must do his new master's bidding without question.
• Regardless of whatever happens at welterweight, BJ Penn is the absolute king of the lightweights. Who can possibly challenge him? Diego Sanchez? Frankie Edgar? Gray Maynard? Maybe if they all fought him at once...

More On This Strange WEC Rumor

So there apparently really is a secret WEC event going on this Sunday night, some sort of stealth/ninja/under the radar affair involving bantamweight champ Miguel Torres, Jeff Curran and Leonard Garcia. As this WEC 42 event has nothing to do with Strikeforce, Fedor or the UFC's Philly event, it's gone largely unnoticed. But MMA Journalist is on the case! Here are some predictions:

• In the title fight between 135-pound mullet master (yes, his mullet weighs 135 pounds) Torres and challenger Brian Bowles, Bowles is going to get creamed and then fade back into tiny-fighter obscurity. Ultimately, he may return to his old job as a part-time lawn jockey.
• Jeff "Big Frog" Curran and Takeya Mizugaki are set to do battle, and regardless of the outcome, the Japanese warrior is destined to emerge from the bout with warts. Because, you know, the whole frog thing.
• Joseph Benavidez vs. Dominick Cruz - the Spanish guy will win.
• Ricardo Lamas against Danny Castillo... seriously, where does the WEC find these people and why the hell are they on the main card? Shouldn't the recognizable names - like Javier Vasquez, Rani Yahya and Garcia - get TV time? This bout has DVR fast-forward written all over it.

Notes From Strikeforce/Fedor/M-1 Global Conference Call

• The UFC lied about what they offered to Fedor.
• Fedor is willing to fight anyone for his first fight in Strikeforce.
• Brett Rogers is a more worthy opponent for Fedor than Brock Lesnar, as Lesnar is only 4-1 in MMA.
• The whole Gegard Mousasi/UFC offer thing was fabricated BS by the UFC.
• Brock sucks.
• Vadim Finkelstein either owns a dog, or was driving during the call and ran a dog over.
• Strikeforce will aim to do pay-per-views six to nine months down the road.
• Fedor is kept fully abreast of the decisions being made on his behalf. He even receives financial reports.
• Someone please feed that dog.
• The UFC's offer to Fedor was miserable. If it really was for $30 million, he would've signed the contract for sure.
• No immediate plans for a tournament, but Scott Coker likes the format.
• Is that a car alarm?
• Vadim, please roll up your window.
• Dog again. Is he someone's attorney?
• Closing statements, and everyone agrees this conference call was "different". Different? This was a Monty Python sketch. And I can't wait for another!