IMG01118.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 10

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

Heart.  From the Latin word heartus, which means "mushy, red thing that makes sounds in your chest".  Except for robots and cartoon characters, everyone possesses one.  But not everyone has that thing known as heart, which is an ethereal thing and not at all mushy and indicative of large cojones and the desire to succeed.  In this episode, we do not see any gory scenes of surgery on someone's aorta or left ventricle, nor do we see anything pertaining to that 1970s rock band fronted by those two chicks.  We do, however, see some heart.  Or, more accurately, lack thereof.  But first!

Coach Chuck Liddell is still angry.  But about 60 seconds have transpired since Dana White first told him that Tito Ortiz is out of their proposed fight, and the Mohawked One goes from kicking a couch and cursing at the house plant to puttering around confused and lost.  His rage fizzles out.  "Dana, I forgot why I was mad," he says sheepishly.

"Tito backed out of your fight," says White.

"Frickin' Tito!" screams Liddell, and he overturns a footrest.  "I knew it!  I knew…" He pauses, stares blankly at the giant posters on the wall of the TUF Training Center office, posters of Ken Shamrock, Brock Lesnar, BJ Penn, Lorenzo Fertitta, Keith Kizer and the creepy chick who makes sure all the fighters are wearing the right size athletic supporter.  "Uh, Dana?  Tito who?"

White shakes his head.  "Tito Ortiz."

"Goddamn Tito Ortiz!" wails Liddell, and he punches at a nearby inflatable Jens Pulver blow-up doll, striking it squarely on the face.  It sails into a wall, bounces off, and returns to bop him in the head.  The ex-light-heavyweight champ falls to the floor, unconscious.

Cut to the pre-fight hype of the impending Cypress Hill/someone named Josh who could really be any one of the other million nameless guys on TUF in the show's eleventy-billion seasons.  Cypress Hill's in his bed, muttering about game plans ("Sawed-off shotgun, hand on the pump, left hand on the forty - puffin' onna blunt").  Meanwhile, Josh retreats to a dark corner of the basement.  Occasionally an ant or other small bug skitters across the floor, only to be met by his outstretched hand, and then his mouth as he eats them.

And then they're fighting!  Pow!  Bang!  Zoom!  Cypress Hill is big and colorful and looks like a poster boy for affirmative action or diversity in the workplace, and he fires off jumping-spinning-crescent kicks and flying back-kicks and does his best imitation of 1974 Blacksploitation star "Black Belt Jones".  Josh just punches him in the face.  And wrestles him.  And punches him in the face.  This goes on for two rounds, the battle waged a true essence of "back and forth", and by the end of the second frame Cypress Hill is under his foe and eating forearms.  The bell rings.  The judges declare that there will be another round.

Ha!  Phooey on them.

You see, there's heart and there's heart, and though Cypress Hill has the first, he clearly does not have the latter.  Huffing and puffing on his stool, he's a broken man, unable to cope with the violence.  An MMA fight is a harsh mistress, demanding of blood and pain in exchange for but a moment of glory, and not all are keen to pay.  Referee Moustache Mazzagatti asks Cypress Hill if he's ready to continue.  Cypress Hill shakes his head.  "I ain't going out like that, I ain't going out like that."  And the man who looked impressive with his big hair and dangerous striking quits on his stool.

Ortiz, who's Cypress Hill's coach, storms off in a cloud of anger, and when the young fighter is fitted with a neck brace and stuffed into a waiting ambulance, the Huntington Beach Bad Boy pelts the vehicle from afar with old cabbages.

But it's time for Ortiz, the show's other ex-light-heavyweight champ, to face the music.  You see, his neck needs new vertebrae (or something), and because Ortiz has declared that he cannot fight, a giant monkey wrench has been thrown into the whole TUF-coaches-must-fight-each-other thing.  With a serious look on his face, White beckons for Ortiz to join him in his office.

"Tito, you need to have your neck amputated so I've arranged for you to meet with the best doctor in the country for that," says White.  "He's in Los Angeles.  And your appointment is in 15 minutes.  Don't let the door of the TUF Center hit you in the ass when you leave this very instant."

Ortiz is shocked, dumbfounded, stunned.  He opens his mouth to speak, but White cuts him off.

"What are you still doing here?  Disappear, fool!"

So Ortiz skedaddles, collecting as much office supplies and food from the refrigerator that he can carry.  A moment later and he's roaring off in his black SUV.

His unwitting Team Ortiz wards watch the exit from the confines of their little yellow short bus.

Dumb as a Bag of Hammers scratches his head.  "Fellas, I - I think something's up."

And then White breaks it to them: he's fired their coach.  Just like the classic Bill Murray film "Stripes", they're going to have to finish their training themselves.

Back at the TUF House and Ortiz's team has a sad.  They can't believe Ortiz is gone, and they especially can't believe that he left without saying goodbye.

"God, what a douche," says Bag of Hammers, and he kicks his teddy bear and plops down on the couch, arms folded defiantly.

But who enters the house just then?  Why, it's Ortiz, who's come to give his boys some parting words and hugs and handshakes.  Bag of Hammers jumps to his feet with tears in his eyes.  "Dad!  I knew you'd come back!  I knew it!  I knew it!" 

Meanwhile, assistant coaches Saul Soliz and Razor Rob begin removing appliances, carting out the dishwasher, then the washing machine, then the dryer.

It's a fitting goodbye.  You see, in his long and illustrious career in the Octagon, Ortiz has proven time and time again that he has heart, so him declaring that his broken spine is too risky to fight with is just a warrior being smart.  Also, it's like the only infusion of "interesting" that this season has gotten, so of course it's all good in the 'hood.

It's the next day, and the TUFers are back at the gym, gathered around White for the last fighter-match-up announcement.  The Amish Kid will be facing Hawaii Five-O and Ronnie Kray will fight Josh. 

Then White introduces coach Ortiz's replacement: Rich Franklin.

The guys are non-plussed.  Liddell, however, is left scratching his head.  He tugs on White's sleeve and gestures for the UFC president to join him off to the side.

"Dana?" whispers Liddell.

"Yes?"

"Um, who is that?"

The end.

MMA Journalist Tackles the Headlines

So much news, so little time to read it all.  But fear not, for MMA Journalist is here to chew it, swallow it and barf it up onto your monitor for your viewing pleasure.

• Dana White claims independent online rankings are influenced by payoffs – Yes, guilty as charged.  However, this is actually different than when White used to pay journalists to cover the UFC (including yours truly), because this is fictional. 
• Criminal mastermind Lee Murray sentenced to ten years in a Moroccan jail for 2005 British bank heist – Oh noes!  But he was slated to face the winner of Anderson Silva/Chael Sonnen at UFC 119.  Now what’s Joe Silva going to do?
• Affliction sues M-1 Global alleging that they were a sham of a promotion and never produced any T-shirts worth a damn – No, wait…
• MMA fighter eats hallucinogenic mushrooms and literally tears buddy’s heart out – The MMA fighter thing is relevant.  Seriously.  Because if the guy was a plumber, he would’ve torn out his friend’s colon, and if he were a dietician he would’ve removed the man’s stomach.
• Tito Ortiz’s neck is at 40% functionality – I don’t know what’s sadder: the fact that Chuck Liddell is so punch drunk that a strong gust of wind can knock him out, or the fact that when Ortiz steps into the cage nowadays he’s got a cracked skull, injured back, torn ACL, ruptured spleen, dislocated spine and broken arm.
• Quinton Jackson does not like homosexuals – Oh but them homos, they loves them some Rampage.

Observations from My Couch: UFC 114 "Ultimate Strikeforce on CBS-Decision Festival"

• It's good to know that if a promotion like Strikeforce can put forth an all-decision stinker on CBS, the "Superbowl of Mixed Martial Arts" can follow up with a banner night of their own.
• I don't believe for a second that John Hathaway is British. I mean, the dude actually knows how to sprawl.
• Go, Diego, Go!
• I don't think Jason Brilz was robbed. But I do think Lil' Nog was given a gift.
• Mike Russow knocked out Todd Duffee after two and a half rounds of getting his face pounded in. Remind me why I should care, please?
• There was no Dongbar, but it was nice seeing Dong Hyun Kim smoke Amir Sadollah like some sort of South Korean ethnic cuisine that would totally make this joke relevant if I knew anything about Korean food. Um, bulgogi? Kimchi? Oh, I don't know.
• For someone who didn't train and got kicked off his team, Dan Lauzon didn't look half bad.
• Melvin Guillard, always entertaining when he takes out a scrub.
• Ladies and gentlemen, Cyrille Diabate.
• Dan Miller, why did you box with Michael Bisping when you could've subbed him in a heartbeat on the ground? Oh well. Good showing anyway.
• Quinton Jackson may have lost the decision to Rashad Evans, but we'll see who the real winner is when the "A-Team" movie comes out.

IMG01112.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Predictions for UFC 114: "Ultimate Race War"

It’s time once again for an installment of the UFC, everyone’s favorite MMA promotion where the races of man can come together as one and unite under the penumbra of peace and combat.  For Saturday night’s event, we have former light-heavyweight champs Rashad Evans and Quinton “Rampage” Jackson squaring off in a bout devoid of hate, devoid of color –HOLY “BLACK ON BLACK CRIME” WHAT? "I'M GONNA BEAT HIS BLACK ASS" WHAT?  Sweet Lord of Public Enemy and NWA, someone’s been laying the racial stuff on a bit thick.  Well, anyway, predictions.

• Okay, so we’ve learned that Dan Lauzon has been kicked off his team because he doesn’t like to train like a pro fighter.  Sucks for him, but at the end of the day that’s great for Efrain Escudero, who’s going to catch this softball he’s being tossed and TKO it.
• Dong Hyun Kim by Dongbar!
• Dongbar!
• Brit John Hathaway is about to learn the hard way that the gulf between the level of talent in the UFC’s UK roster and the UFC’s regular pay-per-view roster is about the size of the Grand Canyon.  Diego Sanchez by lightning bolt.
• Jason Brilz lost to Eliot Marshall last year, then defeated Eric Shafer and must now fight Lil’ Nog.  Is it me or is Lil’ Nog being tossed a softball, too?  The Brazilian by anything he wants.
• Todd Duffee vs. Mike Russow?  Someone please tell me why I should care.
• Dan Miller via triangle choke, and Michael Bisping becomes the first TUF winner to be relegated to working as Lorenzo Fertitta’s personal butler.
• Rampage against Rashad Evans?  My money is on the black guy.
• Dongbar!

Former Northeast Contender Busted for $1 Million in Pot - Let the Jokes Begin!

Travis Roesler, a former Northeast MMA fighter and contender in the light-heavyweight division, was arrested this week when Philadelphia police found over a million dollars worth of marijuana in his training studio.  A million bucks worth of weed?  Seriously?  Oh man, the jokes are practically writing themselves…

• I think it goes without saying that Roesler is a big fan of Joe Rogan and Eddie Bravo.
• In his last fight back in 2006, Roesler fought John Doyle for the Combat in the Cage belt and lost a razor-thin split decision.  It’s possible he took that loss pretty hard and needed some help coping.  However, as that loss was via split decision, I can’t help but wonder what Roesler would’ve needed if he’d lost via submission or knockout.  Two million in Ecstasy?  Five hundred grand in crystal meth?
• Team Cannabis never die!
• When he was active, Roesler had one of the best guards in his weight class, and he was always calm and relaxed when on the bottom.  Well, this certainly explains why he was so calm and relaxed.
• Referee: “Fighters, are you ready?  Then fight!”  Roesler: “Dude, wait… um, what?”
• Roesler’s wanted to return to the cage for years.  Unfortunately, every time he takes a pre-fight urine screening the inspector handling his sample disappears, and only reappears to giggle uncontrollably and hunt for food to satisfy his munchies.
• Team Cannabis… wait… what?

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 9

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

This week on The Ultimate Smoke Monster: the tension between Jack and Locke comes to a head after they learn that coach Tito Ortiz is injured and may not be able to fight coach Chuck Liddell; Seth Bacitracin may be bound by whatever rules that keep him on the Island and prevent him from killing the Losties directly, but he still manages to punt Hawaii Five-O in the chops; British gangster Ronnie Kray and Aussie Crocodile Dundee fight over Kate; and, eccentric billionaire Dane Whitemore blows up a freighter.  Why?  Just because!

Fade in to a lush and verdant jungle.  It could be Guam, it could be a soundstage in Los Angeles, it could be some funky club in the Mandalay Bay Hotel & Casino where out-of-towners in black button-down shirts and Lucky Brand Jeans™ try their best to score with rail-thin blondes with dead hair and god-awful tattoos on the smalls of their backs.  It could be any of those places, but it's more likely a mysterious island in the South Pacific - the Island - where a jet crash has deposited a ragtag bunch of aspiring fighters and left them to fend for themselves, Gilligan Island-style, only instead of the Professor and Maryanne we get RC Cola, Joe Feminine and the loveable rogue Sawyer.

"Guys, my spine is broken," says Ortiz.  "I shouldn't even be walking now, I should be confined to a wheelchair."

"Tell me about it," says Locke, and he and Ortiz link arms and swing themselves around, skipping like participants in some secret Country-Western music hoedown.  Then Ortiz sits down.

"I'm numb in my back and legs, and I don't think it has anything to do with the fact that my girlfriend is an ex-pornstar," he says.

Flashback to Kate, graceful, pretty Kate, her face wrought with freckles and emotion.  She blows up her abusive stepfather's house, gets arrested by a US Marshall, escapes, and has a brief affair with Ronnie Kray in a bear cage.  Unfortunately, Crocodile Dundee wants some of that.

"I want some of the that," says Crocodile Dundee, so now he and Ronnie Kray must do the man-dance. 

Ortiz gives the camera some of his sagacious sage-liness.  "My boy Ronnie Kray.  Gonna lose."

And then Ronnie Kray and Crocodile Dundee are fighting.  Or, more aptly, they engage in some rough dry-humping, with Ronnie Kray getting his opponent down repeatedly but unable to do more than pant in his ear and talk about grim neighborhoods in London like the West End and Trafalgar Square.  Crocodile Dundee fires back with the names of Australian cities, like Sydney, Perth and Melbourne.  To the judges, this is enough to warrant a third round, but this time around Ronnie Kray actually adds some ground and pound into the mix.  He gets the decision and moves on to the next phase of the competition, which involves him ditching Kate and joining a sinister scientific group called the Dharma Initiative.  Hooray!

Meanwhile, Dana Whitemore orders mercenaries to kill Crocodile Dundee.  Ooh, what a douche.

Flashback to 1974.  Dana Whitemore is a fine, strapping young lad with long, luxurious locks of brown hair.  He wields it like a lion's mane, with authority, a majestic figure on the mean streets of Boston's Southside.  Cut to a delicatessen, and Whitemore approaches the counter.  Orders a pastrami sandwich on rye.  No mustard.  What could it mean?  WHAT COULD IT MEAN?

Back to the present, and it's time for another semifinal match-up, this one between Hawaii Five and Seth Bacitracin.  So the two find a clearing in the jungle, shoo away a snoozing polar bear and begin to fight.

They go back and forth, with Seth Bacitracin gaining the upper hand with a rear naked choke attempt, a close triangle choke attempt, and a VW bus that he finds in the woods and somehow manages to repair and use to run Hawaii Five-O down.  But Hawaii Five-O stands and dusts himself off after getting flattened cartoon-style, and he returns the favor with some leather bombs from above - some of them missing and some of them getting through.  Then they're scrambling, and when Seth Bacitracin gets to his feet he mistakes the prone Hawaii Five-O's face for a football and tries to score a field goal.  Um, that's a no-no.

You see, there's something called the Unified Rules of Lost, rules which prohibit: a) the Man in Tapout Gear from leaving the Island, b) the Man in Tapout Gear from killing Keith Kizer, c) a season of TUF going by without homoerotic innuendos, and d) kicks to the mouth of a downed opponent.

Seth Bacitracin is guilty of d), and though he apologizes profusely to his opponent, he's immediately disqualified, giving Hawaii Five-O the win.

"Dude," says Hurley.

"Shut up, you fat f*ck!" screams the injured Rich Atonofneato, and all sorts of chaos break loose.  From the sidelines putters Ortiz, shaking his fist from the seat of a motorized mobility scooter you sometimes see old and/or overweight people toodling around in.  Cypress Hill and the Amish Kid shake RC Cola until he sprays carbonated soda from his head.  Offshore, Desmond shouts "Ahoy, brothers!" from his passing yacht, while in a cave Joe Feminine plays backgammon with Bag of Hammers.  It's at this point that the nefarious Dana Whitemore tells Liddell that his bout with Ortiz is off.

A mask of rage overtakes the Mohawked One's face and he begins to tremble, a volcano of hate about to blow its top, spewing ash and grounding flights all over Europe.  He reaches into his pocket and produces a phone.  Stares at it at if its his sworn enemy.

"Why are you mad at your phone?" asks Dana Whitemore.

Liddell suddenly appears confused.  "A phone?  I thought this was a hotel for tiny people who liked to talk to me."

Cut to a black screen with "TUF" in white letters, suspended there ominously.

The end.

IMG01110.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Dan Miller's Greatest Hits

Reality Fighting 10 saw Nick Serra defeat Carlos Nieves before a screaming and rabid crowd packed into Boardwalk Hall in Atlantic City, and it saw future stars Dante Rivera, Mike Massenzio and Jim Miller each rack up wins as well.  But that night in November, 2005, also had Dan Miller popping his MMA cherry with a victory via submission, and it would mark the beginning of a hard-fought, three-year climb up the Northeast mountain that would eventually him into the Octagon.  What sort of fighter was Dan when he was coming up?  Like his younger brother Jim, he was gritty as hell - a trait that mixed well with his wrestling- and jiu-jitsu-heavy game.  And despite a close, split decision loss to Massenzio at Reality Fighting 12, Dan was either taking opponents down and making them tap or taking them down and making them his bitch until the final bell.  Notable wins included choking out Lance Everson, damn near ripping some cat's head off with a guillotine at an IFL, decisioning John Howard, and slapping a kneebar on Ryan McGivern to win the IFL's middleweight strap.  Dan could definitely do the dance. 

On Saturday night Dan is one-half of UFC 114's co-main event, and though he may be coming off a pair of losses to top-ranked contenders Chael Sonnen and Demian Maia, and though some seriously weighty issues at home may be taking up quite a bit of his time, he's still every bit the promising badass he was back at Reality Fighting 10.  You can bet UFC 114 opponent Michael Bisping is taking him seriously.  You should, too.

Friday Night Fights to Hold All-Female Muay Thai and Amateur Boxing Card

Friday Night Fights, one of New York City's longer-running fight promotions, will be holding an all-female Muay Thai and amateur boxing fight card on June 11 at the Broad Street Ballroom in downtown Manhattan.  "Hell Hath No Fury" is the name of the event, and whatever you do, don't scorn these women, because, er, they'll nag you and make you sleep on the couch.  Or something.  Anyway, if you're not in Atlantic City checking out Ring of Combat that night, this show might be worth checking out.

IMG01103.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Observations from My Couch: Strikeforce Challengers "Worst Crowd Ever"

• As fight cards go, this one was pretty action-packed and entertaining.  However, based on the way the crowd booed everyone and everything, either the people of Oregon have never seen an MMA show before or the people of Oregon are retarded.  Which is it, Oregon?
• Tarec Saffiedine is exceedingly fun to watch.  Exceedingly.
• Good back and forth by Bobby Voelker and Roger Bowling, and tough break on the inadvertent eye injury.  Also, tough break on having an unappreciative audience full of idiots.
• Tyron Woodley may not be the next big thing, but he’s at least the next “larger than usual” thing.
• It took Matt Lindland two and a half rounds to beat a scrub.  Yeah, headlining a Strikeforce Challengers might be a good fit for him.

Observations from My Couch: Moosin's "The Best Awful MMA Event Ever"

• I’ve seen so many pay-per-view crapfests masquerading as MMA shows throughout the years – gems like the World Combat Championship, Martial Arts Reality Superfighting and Pancrase – but Moosin was the absolute crappiest.  However, somehow, someway the fights were awesome, making this one the best.
• Normally Bas Rutten is a fantastic commentator, but at Moosin, working side-by-side with those two other clowns, he was awful.  The trio’s commentating was like watching a drunken fraternity version of Mystery Science Theater 3000.  And I mean that in the most unfunny way possible.
• Ralph Johnson, Lukasz Jurkowski and Ho Jin Kim.  God bless Moosin for giving C-level fighters a chance to look C-level on a pay-per-view.
• Yves Edwards = robbed.
• Roxanne Modafferi vs. Tara LaRosa was as awesome as everyone knew it was going to be.  Congrats to Roxy for going to Japan and learning how to strike.
• Will Rafael Natal be the next ROC champ to make it into the big show?  Magic Eight Ball says “It is decidedly so”.
• We need more Travis Wiuff in the world.
• Tim Sylvia losing to a champion pro boxer was like a body blow to MMA, but if he had lost to a strongman it would’ve been like putting a bag over MMA’s head, driving it out into the desert and shooting it in the back of the neck.  Thank you, Tim, for not losing to a strongman.

IMG01100.jpg

Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone with SprintSpeed

Two UCL Vets Going Pro This Weekend

Moosin and Strikeforce Challengers may be dominating the airwaves tonight, but the real sushi dinner of the evening is the fact that UCL veterans Chris Corr and Eric Blasich are making their pro MMA debuts.  The event is the Paramount Cage Fighting Challenge in Washington, Pennsylvania, and both guys - who hail from New Generation Karate on Long Island - are solid, well-rounded fighters who've honed their skills in combat.  Expect them to be driving home with wins on their pro record and a car full of women eager to find out why New Yorkers are so damn tough.

May 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings

The April 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings have been released. These rankings are independent of any single MMA media outlet or sanctioning body, and are published on multiple web sites, as well as http://www.independentworldmmarankings.com/.

The members of the voting panel for the Women's Independent World MMA Rankings are, in alphabetical order: Nicholas Bailey (MMA Ratings); Jim Genia (Full Contact Fighter, MMA Memories, and MMA Journalist Blog); Yael Grauer (MMA HQ); Jesse Holland (MMA Mania); Robert Joyner (Freelance); Zac Robinson (Sports by the Numbers MMA); Leland Roling (Bloody Elbow); Michael David Smith (AOL Fanhouse); Joshua Stein (MMA Opinion); and Ivan Trembow (Freelance).

Note: Erin Toughill is temporarily ineligible to be ranked, due to the fact that she has not fought in over 12 full months, and she will regain her eligibility to the next time she fights.

May 2010 Women's Independent World MMA Rankings
Ballots collected on May 18, 2010

Featherweight Rankings (136 to 145 lbs.)
1. Cristiane "Cyborg" Santos (9-1)
2. Marloes Coenen (17-4)
3. Gina Carano (7-1)
4. Yuko "Hiroko" Yamanaka (8-1-1)

5. Cindy Dandois (3-0)
6. Shana Olsen (3-0)
7. Amanda Nunes (5-1)
8. Jamie Seaton (2-1)
9. Emily Thompson (3-2)
10. Hitomi Akano (15-7)

Bantamweight Rankings (126 to 135 lbs.)
1. Sarah Kaufman (11-0)
2. Tara LaRosa (18-1)
3. Roxanne Modafferi (14-5)
4. Hitomi Akano (15-7)
5. Takayo Hashi (12-2)
6. Shayna Baszler (11-6)
7. Miesha Tate (9-2)
8. Vanessa Porto (10-4)
9. Jennifer Tate (6-1)
10. Julie Kedzie (13-8)

Flyweight Rankings (116 to 125 lbs.)
1. Rosi Sexton (10-1)
2. Tara LaRosa (18-1)
3. Aisling Daly (9-0)
4. Rin Nakai (6-0)

5. Sally Krumdiack (7-3)
6. Lena Ovchynnikova (6-0)
7. Monica Lovato (4-1)
8. Jeri Sitzes (3-1)
9. Mutsumi Kasai (4-1)

10. Anita Rodriguez (3-1)

Junior Flyweight Rankings (106 to 115 lbs.)
1. Megumi Fujii (19-0)
2. Yuka Tsuji (22-2)
3. Lisa Ward (12-5)
4. Mei "V Hajime" Yamaguchi (6-2)
5. Jessica Pene (7-0)
6. Kyoko Takabayashi (11-4)
7. Jessica Aguilar (7-3)
8. Angela Magana (8-4)
9. Saori Ishioka (8-4)
10. Emi Fujino (8-4)

The Women's Independent World MMA Rankings are tabulated and published on a monthly basis, with fighters receiving ten points for a first-place vote, nine points for a second-place vote, and so on.

The rankings are based purely on the votes of the members of the voting panel, with nobody's vote counting more than anybody else's vote, and no computerized voting.

The voters are instructed to vote primarily based on fighters' actual accomplishments in the cage/ring (the quality of opposition that they've actually beaten), not based on a broad, subjective perception of which fighters would theoretically win hypothetical match-ups.

Inactivity: Fighters who have not fought in the past 12 months are not eligible to be ranked, and will regain their eligibility the next time they fight.

Disciplinary Suspensions: Fighters who are currently serving disciplinary suspensions, or who have been denied a license for drug test or disciplinary reasons, are not eligible to be ranked.

Changing Weight Classes: When a fighter announces that she is leaving one weight class in order to fight in another weight class, the fighter is not eligible to be ranked in the new weight class until her first fight in the new weight class has taken place.

Catch Weight Fights: When fights are contested at weights that are in between the limits of the various weight classes, they are considered to be in the higher weight class. The weight limits for each weight class are listed at the top of the rankings for each weight class.

Special thanks to Eric Kamander, Joshua Stein and Yael Grauer for their invaluable help with this project, and special thanks to Garrett Bailey for designing our logo.

Life in the Suck Lane

Welcome to the latest edition of Life in the Suck Lane, where we compare the career trajectories of two once-promising fighters and let you decide whose life sucks harder.  On today’s installment it’s Tim Sylvia vs. Matt Lindland.  Here are the ugly facts:

Tim Sylvia

• Lost his first UFC championship belt when he tested positive for steroids.
• Returned to the cage to face Frank Mir for the belt and promptly got his arm snapped in half.  Mir kept the arm hanging above his fireplace for two months before giving it back.
• In his next venture into the Octagon, he lost to Andrei Arlovski so fast fans questioned if Sylvia had actually heard referee John McCarthy yell “Let’s get it on!” and knew the fight had begun.
• Defeated Arlovski in a rematch, but their third meeting was hailed by Time Magazine as “The Worst Fight in the History of Fighting, But Not a Bad Example of Two Grown Men Dancing”.
• Lost the belt to Randy Couture at UFC 68 in a bout that had the crowd cheering every time Sylvia took damage.  There’s unpopular, and then there’s Sylvia-level unpopular.  This was an example of the latter multiplied by a thousand.  Even Satan was watching that bout and muttering, “Jeez, go easy on the poor guy.”
• Put together a string of impressive losses to such MMA legends as Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Fedor Emelianenko and Ray Mercer.  Wait, what?
• Is headlining an event called Moosin on Friday.

Matt Lindland

• Defeated anyone who faced him until he was fighting Murilo Bustamante for the UFC middleweight belt, at which point he tapped out, lied about having tapped out, and then quickly tapped out again.
• Knocked himself out trying to slam Falaniko Vitale at UFC 43.  No, seriously. 
• Lost by quick and violent knockout to Dave Terrell, but continued to dominate in the Octagon.  However, whatever momentum he had was flushed down the toilet when Lindland let money and banned sponsors cloud his judgment.  His severance package from the UFC included a Hallmark Card from Dana White brimming with curse words and a jockstrap someone had found in the locker room of the MGM Grand Garden Arena.
• Was a coach for the IFL.  No, seriously. 
• Lost to Fedor, got knocked out by Vitor Belfort so hard that for two weeks after he thought he was “Joey” from the NBC sitcom “Friends”, and got submitted by Jacare.
• Ran for a seat in the Oregon House of Representatives and lost to Howard Stern.  Stern was a write-in candidate.
• Is headlining a Strikeforce Challengers event on Friday.  Seriously.  A Strikeforce Challengers event.

Well, there you have it.  Whose life sucks more?  You make the call.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 11 Recap: Episode 8

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid.  Enjoy.*

This week's episode is jam-packed with action!  Drama!  Injuries!  Infomercials!  Yes, folks, this one has it all, so stop your grinnin' and drop your linen', 'cause here we go!

Fade in to RC Cola on the phone.  The phone?  Who does he think he is?  Kimbo Slice?  But someone has allowed him outside contact, so RC Cola gets to talk to his wife, Pepsi, who has just given birth to the fighter's son.  Understandably, this has given RC Cola a sad, as she went ahead and named the kid Sprite.  They had previously agreed on Mr. Pibb.  He suspects that while he's been gone she's been carrying on with Dr. Pepper, and this sort of emotional baggage can make a fighter flat - especially when he has an impending fight to think about.  Which he does in the form of the "wildcard loser-gets-another-chance suckety-suck" bout against British gangster Ronnie Kray.

"I can't lose," says RC Cola.

Sure you can, RC Cola.  We have faith in you.

Just then, erstwhile UFC fighter and seminal TUF alum Forrest Griffin shows up.  With an overgrown beard, an old Led Zeppelin concert t-shirt and faded jeans with holes in the knees, he looks every bit the hobo, and from his pack (one of this sticks with a sack tied at the end) he pulls the new UFC video game.  "Guys, do you like pretending to fight instead of fighting for real?" he says, apparently reduced to hawking goods as an itinerant salesman.  I guess this is what crushing losses to Rashad Evans and Anderson Silva and barely squeaking by Tito Ortiz will do to you.

Cut to the wildsucker fight, and RC Cola and Ronnie Kray take to the cage.  "I'm just going to sit in the bleachers and not coach either one," says Ortiz of his wards.  "The better man will win."  Okay, Mr.Laissez-Faire. 

And then they're fighting, a tentative, cautious stand-up affair that looks like junior sparring night at Hong T. Kim's Tae Kwon Do and Laundromat, and though Ronnie Kray's kicks have all the force and confidence of a someone who learned those techniques maybe 20 minutes ago, RC Cola's kicks do damage, with one sidekick to the knee actually causing Ronnie Kray to cry out.  But that's about it in terms of RC Cola's offense.  In the latter half of Round 1 the British gangster dominates with his wrestling and ground and pound, and in Round 2 he seals the deal with a slam and a kimura.  An elated Ronnie Kray parades around the Octagon.  He sucks, but at least someone else sucks more.

Dana White beckons the coaches to join him in his lair, and Ortiz and Chuck Liddell follow.  You see, it's time to pick the next round's match-ups.  "Forget who's on who's team," says White.  "Let's just make the best fights."

Liddell scratches his mohawk, then blurts out, "Godzilla versus Mecha-Godzilla.  The Hamburglar versus the Tidy Bowl Man.  My left shoe versus my right shoe.  And 42."

Ortiz and White exchange confused looks.

"I mean it," says Liddell firmly.  "Those are my picks.  Also, tugboat."

White shakes his head in disgust.  "Just get the *^W$&*#$&* out of here.  I'll do this myself."

And he does, pairing Cypress Hill with some heretofore unknown kid named Josh (did he fight already?  Where'd he come from?  Is he the producers kid?), Seth Bacitracin against Hawaii Five-O, Ronnie Kray versus Crocodile Dundee and Joe Feminine with the Amish Kid.  Upon hearing this, the Amish Kid begins weeping quietly, his tears the tears of the molested.  "Bad touch, bad touch…" he mutters, his words barely audible but full of fear.

"Hey, do you guys hate doing crunches?" says the hobo salesman Forrest Griffin, and from his tattered Army surplus dufflebag he produces a plastic and metal contraption that looks like the framework of the Hunchback of Notre Dame's chair.  "Well, the Abdominator™ will solve all of your problems!"

Cut to the doctor's office, and Joe Feminine is in a gown and bent over an examination table with a grin on his face.

"Um, I'm just looking at your knee today," says the doctor with a grimace.  And he does, examining the joint and taking x-rays and MRIs and then consulting tea leaves and chicken gizzards.  "You have a torn ACL," he says.

And that's it for him, the man with questionable sexual preferences who most felt could've won the whole competition.  White shows up later at the TUF House to hear it from Joe Feminine's own mouth, the two out back and standing alone by the pool.  "Are you quitting?" says the UFC honcho.

"My ACL is torn.  I can't continue."  But then Joe Feminine smiles coyly, and runs a finger slowly along White's collar.  "However, maybe I could be convinced…"

White sprints, moving faster than he's ever moved before, fleeing the awkward situation until he's standing in the TUF House, breathless before the other contestants.  "Okay," he says breathlessly.  "Uh, Joe Feminine is out."

And everybody's eyebrows raise.

"Of the closet?" asks Hawaii Five-O.

"I mean out of the competition."

And everyone lets out a collective "Oh."

"So another one of you losers gets a chance," says White, and he leaves, passing hobo salesman Forrest Griffin on his way out the front door.

"Hey, do you guys like healthy food?" says Griffin, and from a shopping cart packed with soda cans he produces a thick, flat appliance with a dangling cord.  "I certainly do.  That's why I cook with the George Foreman's Grill ™."

Dumb as a Bag of Hammers bolts out the door, following White into the driveway.  "I'm your man, I want that fight."

And I guess that's all it takes, for White goes back into the house and announces that Bag of Hammers is going to face the Amish Kid.  Like, tomorrow.

Then they're fighting.  Round 1 is extremely back-and-forth, Bag of Hammers' wrestling facilitating his ability to get back to his feet and whatnot.  But the Amish Kid - relieved that he doesn't have to worry about getting his oil checked or getting back-mounted with disconcerting sweet nothings whispered lovingly into his ear - has the edge in boxing.  Round 2 begins and Bag of Hammers shoots with his head down, and soon after he's tapping to a guillotine.

"I like this Amish Kid," says White afterwards.  "He could be the darkhorse to win this whole season."

"Hey, do you like seasoned horsemeat?" says Griffin, who steps out of the shadows of the TUF center.  In his hands is a battered styrofoam cooler.  "I sure do.  That's why I eat Overeem Brand Horsemeant™.  It's yummy!"

Fade to black.