Predictions for UFC Fight Night 19: "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career"

UFC Fight Night 19 is nearly upon us, and the show - titled "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career" - will feature TUF 5 winner Diaz against Melvin Guillard, a veritable grappling dummy that loves to throw big punches and do mountains of cocaine. The SpikeTV-broadcast event will serve as a lead-in for the eagerly anticipated TUF 10 debut episode, and if UFC Fight Night 19's card is of any indication, the network's executives really don't give a crap who is fighting on their channel, only that someone is. So... predictions!

• In the Nate Quarry vs. Tim Credeur bout, the two elder statesmen will fight. Or maybe sit around and talk about the good old days while calling the younger fighters on the card whippersnappers. Then they'll leave to catch the early bird special at the buffet, and go to bed around 7pm.
• Carlos Condit will defeat Jake Ellenberger. Afterwards, he'll go home, root around in his closet, pull out the WEC championship belt he threw there in shame after his last UFC bout, dust it off, and put it back in its display case on the wall in his living room.
• Gray Maynard is going to dry-hump Roger Huerta so vigorously, Huerta is going to show up at Xtreme Couture in nine months with a baby in his arms and say to Maynard, "Gray, you're a daddy. Let's make this work for his sake."
• It really doesn't matter who wins between Diaz and Guillard. What does matter is the ungodly amounts of weed and blow that will be found at their afterparty.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 94

• I'm not sure what was more impressive: Clay Guida defeating a very tough Nate Diaz, or Clay Guida managing to thank every training partner, sponsor and Zuffa employee he's ever come in contact with in the short time allotted for his post-fighting interview.
• Was it me or was the last few minutes of the Karo Parisyan/Dong Hyun Kim bout nothing more than a judo match? I kept expecting the referee to shout out scores in Japanese like "Ippon!" or "Waza-ari!"
• Jon "GrecoRoman Airlines" Jones. When you absolutely, positively have to fly somewhere immediately.
• You know the Fates have conspired when every bout from the under card on up to the co-main event has gone to a decision and then Lyoto Machida of all people wins by first-round knockout.
• Georges St. Pierre vs. BJ Penn: a grim reminder as to why MMA has weight classes.

BJ Penn Confused, Thinks GSP Fight is to the Death

UFC lightweight champ BJ Penn, who is slated to rematch against welterweight champ Georges St. Pierre at UFC 94, is apparently confused about which rules he and the Canadian will be competing under. On the"UFC Primetime" show on SpikeTV, Penn is quoted as saying, "We're going to go to the death" - an erroneous assumption on the Hawaiian's part, as the January 31st match-up at the MGM Grand Garden Arena in Las Vegas will follow the Unified Rules of Mixed Martial Arts, and the Unified Rules list "murder" as an illegal technique. "Yeah, we're going to have to address that," said Nevada State Athletic Commission Grand Pooba Keith Kizer. "We don't do 'to the death' here. BJ is confusing us with New York." UFC 94 will also feature Stephan Bonnar, Nate Diaz and a whole bunch of other guys that won't be fighting to the death.

Observations from My Couch: UFN 15

• Houston Alexander is built like an action figure and always seems one punch away from knocking someone out. Unfortunately, he needs to be told that mixed martial arts involves at least some grappling, and that he therefore must train in it.
• Alan Belcher looked impressive out-striking and out-working Ed Herman, but who the heck thought it was a good idea for him to wear that diaper? Is he incontinent?
• Mac Danzig had nothing on Clay Guida's relentless offense. It may be time for that steak, Mac.
• Nate Diaz was composed as all hell and very Kazushi Sakuraba-esqe in his transitions and escapes. However, I'm left with a burning question after his bout last night: does the kid eat? Nate, I don't know what Zuffa is paying you, but if you need food I will totally buy you a case of ramen noodles or something.

Nate Diaz Likely to Utilize Some "Jiu-Jitsu" at UFN 15

Tonight's Ultimate Fight Night 15 on SpikeTV features a headlining bout between TUF 5 winner Nate Diaz against Josh Neer - a lightweight contest that in all likelihood will see Diaz utilizing some Brazilian-style "jiu-jitsu". A scrappy, rough-and-tumble youngster from Stockton, California, Diaz has been known to fight from positions called "the guard" and "the mount", and at times has employed fancy moves like the "guillotine" and the "triangle choke" to force his opponents to tap out. Does Neer have the wherewithal to avoid these fancy-schmantzy techniques? Or will he fall prey to that which he does not understand? That's any one's guess, but either way, expect Diaz to impress.

Exclusive: Foosball Table Not Happy with Upcoming TUF 8 Season

The eighth season of "The Ultimate Fighter" is nearly upon us, and it brings with it all the usual pre-show hype and promises of excitement. However, not everyone is happy with this upcoming edition of the hit reality TV series. Last season, the TUF house's foosball table was dumped into the pool during an episode of drunken mayhem; MMA Journalist caught up with that foosball table to get its thoughts on the new season. MMA Journalist: How you doing? Foosball Table: I'm doing good. MMA Journalist: You've been a permanent fixture in the TUF house for a while now and you've seen things from a very different perspective than those watching at home. What are your thoughts on this season? Foosball Table: I think it sucked. Not because of anything to do with the fights or the drama or whatever, but because I'm sick of being in constant fear for my life. MMA Journalist: Fear for your life? Foosball Table: Yeah. You have no idea what it's like to be a piece of furniture in that house cooped up with those guys - very physical guys who at any moment could snap and turn around and smash you. That's no way to live, man. MMA Journalist: But I thought Dana White said that whoever trashes the house this season would have to pay for the damages? Didn't that make things safer for you? Foosball Table: Um, not so much. I mean, regardless of who's footing the bill, the producers are still stocking the place with liquor and it's still always my ass on the line once the booze starts flowing. Did you know Forrest Griffin threw up in me during the filming of season five? The dude wasn't even staying at the house! Did you know Nate Diaz tried to smoke me? And I'm not even going to tell you what Patrick Cote did to my goalie! MMA Journalist: Wow. Sounds rough. Foosball Table: 'Rough' is an understatement. MMA Journalist: Well, thanks for your time. Foosball Table: No problem.