Michael Bisping: "I'm Going to Kick Henderson's Ass at UFC 100"

Middleweight Brit and TUF 9 coach Michael Bisping assured fans this past weekend that he'll emerge victorious when he faces Dan Henderson at UFC 100, apparently unaware that the event was a week before and that he'd fought and lost via devastating knockout. According to an interview in the Manchester Times, Bisping declared: "I'm going to kick Henderson's ass at UFC 100. That bloke's got nothing on me. He can't submit me, and he sure can't knock me out." The interviewer avoided addressing the fact that Bisping was, in fact, knocked out - although the article later goes on to quote one of the amnesia-stricken Brit's coaches. "Yeah, he's off his nut," said Paddy McPunchface. "Ain't been the same since." Bisping is tentatively scheduled to compete at UFC 105 in England, although no opponent has been named.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 100

• The robbery perpetrated in the rendering of the decision for the Yoshihiro Akiyama/Alan Belcher fight was so blatant and egregious that Akiyama now has a felony on his record.
• Dan Henderson may have landed a huge, crowd-pleasing knockout, but he did fans everywhere a great disservice. No way are we going to be able to understand what Michael Bisping says now.
• Next on Ultimate Grip Fighting Championship: Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago. Who will come out on top in the meticulous and pain-staking battle to do nothing but place their hands on various strategic parts of their opponent's body? Stay tuned!
• Georges St. Pierre looked dominant, but that groin injury he sustained was inevitable. No one can dry hump someone for 25 minutes without injuring themselves. No one.
• Coors Lite and banging your wife, eh? Brock, are you telling us this because you feel insecure about that dingling tattooed on your chest? Methinks the wrestler doth protest too much.

Predictions for UFC 100: "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View"

UFC 100 is nearly upon us, and the event - dubbed "Ultimate Actually Worth the $44.99 for the Pay-Per-View" - might actually be worth the clams shelled out to watch the damn thing. There are about two and a half main events, with Brock Lesnar and Frank Mir squaring off, Georges St. Pierre and Thiago Alves doing their thang, and Michael Bisping and Dan Hend... zzzzzz. Ahem, anyway, predictions!

• Brock, oh Brock. Brockety-Brock. Brock-brock-brock-bakaw! Brock-the-house, brock-brock-the-house. Brock-and-roll forever, baby!
• Oh yeah, Mir by submission.
• As Alves is more of a striker than a grappler, St. Pierre's technique of slathering himself with Vaseline, baby oil, raw petroleum and margarine will avail him naught. Alves by TKO, and St. Pierre will leave the Octagon a broken man, comforted only by the loving snorts of his moose, Matilda.
• Dan Henderson is getting old but is still tougher than a $2 steak. Bisping's greatest moment was his gritty portrayal of Pikey Number 4 in the movie "Snatch". Hendo by split decision.
• Congratulations Paulo Thiago, you've defeated Josh Koscheck! Your reward: a fatal beating at the hands of Jon Fitch! Yay!
• Yoshihiro Akiyama by JUDO CHOP! Hiyaaa!

Predictions for UFC 93: "Franklin vs. Henderson vs. Leprechauns"

UFC 93: "Franklin vs. Henderson" goes down tomorrow night in Dublin, Ireland - the land of Guinness, floozies, leprechauns and floozies. Woot! Here are some predictions:

• A takedown will, at some point, be attempted in the Mark Coleman/Mauricio "Shogun" Rua match-up. Yeah, that's a given.
• As a devout Christian, Rich Franklin is bound to mention God if he wins. As a Native American heathen savage, Dan Henderson's victory speech will mention Great Spirit.
• Rousimar Palhares will be kept in a cage in the locker room before his bout, and regardless of whether or not he wins or loses, he will return to that same cage afterwards. Because, you know, he's well-trained (poo-flinging aside).
• If, by the third round, it seems that Marcus Davis and Chris Lytle's "Fight of the Night" bonus is in jeopardy, the two have agreed to simply just charge each other and butt heads like rams. This will end up happening, and the true loser of the event will be the janitor who has to clean that mess up.
• Someone in the audience will get drunk. And throw up. Hey, it is Dublin after all.

UFC 93 Fun Facts

On Saturday, January 17th, the UFC returns to Ireland for UFC 93: "Guinness-Flavored Vomit" (cue festive Irish jig music). Anyhoo, here are some fun facts concerning the Dan Henderson/Rich Franklin-headlined event:

• In the build-up to the main event, Dan Henderson and Rich Franklin have played up the fact that they're indifferent toward each other. In fact, they've never met, and for years Franklin thought Henderson was Matt Lindland.
• Mark Coleman and Mauricio "Shogun" Rua are rematching after their Pride fight ended with Shogun badly dislocating his elbow. Their respective corners will also be rematching afterwards backstage, with someone standing on Wanderlei Silva's neck and Silva threatening to beat up Phil Baroni, Quinton Jackson and anyone else nearby.
• Denis Kang is really a future version of Doctor Doom. He's here in this timeline thanks to a time machine.
• Rousimar Palhares was raised in the jungles of the Amazon by a clan of uacari monkeys.
• Marcus Davis and Chris Lytle have a gentleman's agreement to only punch each other in the face until they're concussed and brain damaged.

Patrick Cote: "Wait, I'm Fighting Who?"

Patrick Cote was finally told yesterday that his UFC 90 opponent is none other than middleweight champ Anderson Silva, a fact that was kept from the Canadian slugger since he signed the generic bout agreement months ago. Cote was reportedly kept in the dark by his management team because no one in their right mind would want to get in the cage with the man who destroyed former champ Rich Franklin twice and made short work of Pride champ Dan Henderson. Standing behind the podium at a press conference when he heard the news, Cote at first seemed shocked, then became dismayed. "Wait, I'm fighting who?" he said before throwing his UFC cap to the ground and storming off the stage. "Yeah, we didn't tell him who he was fighting," said Muay Thai trainer Mark DellaGrotte. DellaGrotte worked with Cote on possible strategies for the UFC 90 bout, including the "go fetal and cry" maneuver and the "tap out really, really fast" technique, and though DellaGrotte was successful in keeping the opponent's identity a secret, he feels strongly about Cote's chances. "If he does what we practiced, he may make it out of the cage alive. Unconscious, but alive." UFC 90 airs Saturday night on pay-per-view, and in addition to the Silva/Cote bout, it features a welterweight match-up between Thiago Alves and Josh Koscheck.