Observations From My Couch: UFC 103 "Bye-Bye CroCop"

• After the beating suffered at the hands of Vitor Belfort, Rich Franklin must really be hating Brazilians right now.
• After the beating suffered at the hands (and knees) of Junior dos Santos, Mirko CroCop must really be hating that he can't do steroids for his US fights.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Paul Daley, Martin Kampmann must really be hating that no one at Xtreme Couture taught him how to do takedowns.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Josh Koscheck, Frank Trigg must really be hating the fact that he's gotten old.
• Holy crap did Hermes Franca look out of shape and untrained.
• After the beating suffered at the hands of Efrain Escudero, Cole Miller must really be hating all that time spent practicing jiu-jitsu instead of boxing.
• After that beating suffered at the hands of Tomasz Drwal, Drew McFedries must really be hating the Polish lack of vowels in their names.
• Jim Miller's jiu-jitsu is so good, he doesn't even have to touch you to dislocate your shoulder with a kimura.

Predictions for UFC 103: "Come On, CroCop, Don't Mess This Up"

Just a few scant days after UFC Fight Night 19 and the TUF 10 premiere comes UFC 103, a pay-per-view extravaganza featuring no title bouts and no match-ups of any real consequence. Wahoo! Fighting at a catch-weight of 195 are Vitor Belfort and Rich Franklin, because 195 pounds is cool and hip and all the kids are doing it, while Mirk CroCop returns to hopefully not get clobbered. So, predictions!

• The last seven fights Tyson Griffin has taken part in have ended via decision, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's going to defeat jiu-jitsu black belt Hermes Franca by... Falcon punch!
• Josh Koscheck and Frank Trigg are two solid wrestlers who like to throw punches and get knocked out. Look for a double-KO in this one.
• Martin Kampmann is Danish, which means when you bite into him you get a mouthful of frosting and some raisins. Brit striker Paul Daley hates raisins.
• CroCop is going to TKO the less-experienced Junior dos Santos, which sets up a nice revenge match for a future UFC between the Croatian and Senior dos Santos.
• Belfort is going to hit Franklin so hard, Franklin will no longer be qualified to teach high school arithmetic - only gym or special education.

Observations From My Couch: UFC 95

• It's been a long time coming, but it was good to finally see Mike Ciesnolevicz in the Octagon.
• Per Eklund, Evan Dunham, Stefan Struve, Junior Dos Santos... I had no idea who they were before UFC 95, and after seeing them fight, I still have no idea who they are.
• What language was Terry Etim speaking? Romulan? Please don't put a microphone in his face again.
• Josh Koscheck. The best welterweight fighter out there capable of getting knocked out by anyone.
• Demian Maia looked great, but how much of that was Chael Sonnen sucking?
• Bravo to Dan Hardy for keeping the mohawk alive. Rock on, punky.
• Diego Sanchez had a decent win, but it wasn't awe-inspiring. His nickname should no longer be "the Nightmare". "The Fitful Dream" would be more apt.

Predictions for UFC 95: "Ultimate Joe-Silva-Not-Even-Trying-Anymore"

Man, the excitement for Saturday's UFC 95 star-studded gala event just builds and builds. MMA Journalist has popped a few Xanax to calm down and has formulated these predictions for the mega-super-ultra-uber-event:

• Josh Koscheck and Paulo Thiago are going to go at it and go at it hard, and I'll probably take this time to sit on the toilet and read the rest of "Blood in the Cage" by L. Jon Wertheim. Maybe I'll take a shower.
• Demian Maia and Chael Sonnen will battle. I think I'll use that time to watch an episode of the "West Wing" on DVR.
• Wilson Gouveia and Nate Marquardt should be a contest of wills and clash of styles. Another episode of "West Wing" on DVR, thank you very much.
• Dan Hardy and Rory Markham will square off in what could be an utter war. Chances are, though, that I will stare at the TV for about 20 seconds, realize I could be eating that leftover pad thai in the refrigerator, and remedy the situation.
• Diego Sanchez vs. Joe Stevenson could be a big ball full of "wow!" so I might actually watch this one at normal speed and not fast-forward (remember: I have DVR). We'll see. I might surf the Internet instead.

Free UFC 95 Card Worth Every Penny

This Saturday is UFC 95, another magnum opus from London, England broadcast for free on SpikeTV, and based on the line-up alone, this baby will clearly be worth every penny. In the main event, Diego Sanchez will pit his top-level submission skills against those of Joe "Worst Jiu-Jitsu Ever" Stevenson in what promises to a barn-burner (that is, a barn that you're currently living in, and when it catches fire all the animals panic and trample your stuff as you make your escape). In the co-main event... heck, I can't even tell which bout is the co-main event. They're all so worthy of that title! Josh Koscheck is fighting no one of importance, Rory "I've Only Fought in the UFC Once" Markham is taking on one of the Hardy Boys (I think it's the one with the long hair that fooled around with Nancy Drew on that class picnic), and Wilson Gouveia and Nate Marquardt are set to clash in a donnybrook that should determine who gets to eat at Applebee's for the next month and who's stuck eating ramen noodles. And the under card... wow. Just wow. The mere thought of fighters I've never heard of, like Stefan Struve and Evan Dunham and Brian Cobb, getting a crack at their share of Octagon glory... I'm so excited about it I can barely think straight. Hey, I know this UFC is free, but is there someplace I could just mail a check to? I'm going to feel like I'm robbing Zuffa on Saturday, and I don't know if I can live with that.

UFC Cuts Jon Fitch Over Rights to His Soul

The MMA world is abuzz today over the news that top welterweight contender Jon Fitch has been cut from the UFC roster for his management team's refusal to let him sign a contract that would give Zuffa the rights to his image and likeness forever. The contract in question stems from a much-maligned merchandising agreement drawn up by the UFC's Bogunga Indian attorneys (the Bogunga, an Indian tribe in Amazon Jungle, believe all pictures and images of people are mechanisms used to capture the subject's soul), and the UFC has harnessed the dark mystical magic within these merchandising agreements to maintain control over their fighters - and even the industry itself. Also dropped from the UFC's roster are Fitch's American Kickboxing Academy teammates Christian Wellisch and Cain Velasquez. The future of noted welterweight Josh Koscheck, an AKA fighter as well, is also in question. Said AKA Head Shaman "Crazy" Bob Cook, "Oh Great Spirit, please guide us through these trying times. Also, does anyone have Affliction's phone number?"

Patrick Cote: "Wait, I'm Fighting Who?"

Patrick Cote was finally told yesterday that his UFC 90 opponent is none other than middleweight champ Anderson Silva, a fact that was kept from the Canadian slugger since he signed the generic bout agreement months ago. Cote was reportedly kept in the dark by his management team because no one in their right mind would want to get in the cage with the man who destroyed former champ Rich Franklin twice and made short work of Pride champ Dan Henderson. Standing behind the podium at a press conference when he heard the news, Cote at first seemed shocked, then became dismayed. "Wait, I'm fighting who?" he said before throwing his UFC cap to the ground and storming off the stage. "Yeah, we didn't tell him who he was fighting," said Muay Thai trainer Mark DellaGrotte. DellaGrotte worked with Cote on possible strategies for the UFC 90 bout, including the "go fetal and cry" maneuver and the "tap out really, really fast" technique, and though DellaGrotte was successful in keeping the opponent's identity a secret, he feels strongly about Cote's chances. "If he does what we practiced, he may make it out of the cage alive. Unconscious, but alive." UFC 90 airs Saturday night on pay-per-view, and in addition to the Silva/Cote bout, it features a welterweight match-up between Thiago Alves and Josh Koscheck.

Thiago Alves to Face Opponent of Indeterminate Ethnic Origin

Things suddenly got more complicated for Thiago Alves. Originally scheduled to face Diego Sanchez at UFC 90 on October 25th, the American Top Team star welterweight will now square off against Josh Koscheck thanks to a rib injury Sanchez sustained in training - a last-minute change that definitely throws a monkey wrench in the works for the ATT fighter. "We trained to face a Mexican," says coach Ricardo Liborio. "But now... now what do we train for? A white guy? A black guy? This man is like 'Gonzo' from the Muppets. No one knows what he is!"