Things That Won't Happen at WEC 37

WEC 37: "Torres vs. Tapia" airs live on the "Versus" channel tonight, and the four-bout main card features eight fighters ranging in weight from 134 pounds to 146 pounds. Do you think those seven guys 145 pounds and under call the 146-pound fighter fat? Like, maybe when they're all at that restaurant inside the Las Vegas Hard Rock Hotel & Casino, and the 146 pounder orders a Caesar salad with grilled chicken, do you think they chant "Fatty-fatty, two-by-four, couldn't get through the bathroom door"? Ponder that. In the meantime, here's a list of things that won't happen at WEC 37:

• To honor their Hispanic heritage, Joseph Benavidez and Danny Martinez will not partake in a siesta between rounds.
• Alex Karalexis will not pause during his bout against Bart Palaszewksi to admire the Midwest fighter's collection of tattoos.
• Regardless of whether they win or lose, fans will still have no idea who Brian Bowles and Will Ribeiro are after their bout.
• Miguel Torres will prove once again that he is the best 135-pound fighter in the world, and whenever he's shown on camera at a Zuffa event, casual MMA fans around the globe will still not applaud.

Matt Wiman Destined to Lose to a New Jersey Fighter on December 10th One Way or Another

Matt Wiman, who was slated to face Toms River native Frankie Edgar at the UFC's December 10th "Fight for the Troops" event on SpikeTV until Edgar suffered a training injury, will now face Whippany-based Jim Miller - a fighter who, like Edgar, dominated the East Coast rankings before graduating to the Octagon. The change of opponents proves that fate has designs on Wiman's future, and those designs include losing to a New Jersey fighter one way or another. Said Wiman, who hails from Oklahoma but has reportedly visited the Garden State to hide bodies and dump his garbage, "Jeez, what did I do to deserve this?"

TUF Viewing Party with Phillipe Nover

Once again another season of "The Ultimate Fighter" draws to a close, and once again TUF 8 competitor and rising star Phillipe Nover is having a viewing party. Details can be found at Phillipe's blog here - http://phillipenover.blogspot.com/2008/11/dec-3rd-viewing-party.html . The last one was a blast. Everyone at the Aviation Recreation Center sports bar went bananas when Phillipe was shown eating urine-soaked fruit in that episode, and tonight's episode promises more TUF house shenanigans plus the first-ever decapitation in the Octagon. Wahoo!

Eddie Alvarez to Satifsy "Punching People in the Face" Addiction with Two Fights in 23 Days

Eddie Alvarez, the heavy-handed Philadelphia slugger who made a splash on the international stage this past year by wrecking Joachim Hansen, Andre "Dida" Amade and Tatsuya Kawajiri, will take on submission ace Shinya Aoki at FEG's "Dynamite!" show in Japan on New Years Eve, and he'll follow that up with a January 23rd bout at Extreme Challenge's "War at the Shore" in Atlantic City. That's one heck of an ambitious schedule for a top ten lightweight, as 23 days an exceedingly short amount of time for a fighter to recover from any injuries and return to peak shape, but Alvarez suffers from an addiction to punching people in the face (clinical term: "Punching People in the Face" Syndrome, or PPitFS). Said a spokesman from Alvarez's camp, "We're still trying to get Eddie help. But PPitFS is a serious condition, and if left unchecked, Eddie could simply explode. Obviously we don't want that, so he's taking these fights."

DC Promotion Puts Itself on the Map with Top Level Match-Up

Washington, DC-based promotion Ultimate Warrior Challenge announced yesterday that its next show will feature a bantamweight match-up between former WEC champ Chase Beebe and local superstar Mike Easton - a bout that suddenly puts the UWC on the map in terms of its status as a high-level organization, as Beebe vs. Easton could easily headline a WEC or Shooto event. Dubbed "Man 'O' War", the February 21st UWC installment will take place at the Patriot Center at George Mason University in Northern Virginia, and will be streamed live on http://Sherdog.com . Expect MMA Journalist to liveblog this one - it would be a crime to not see this fight in person.

Archaic New Jersey Regulation Allowing for Instant Shakespearian Replays in MMA Bouts Utilized at New Breed Fighters

The super-welterweight title bout between Joel Roberts and Ryan Vaccaro ended in controversy at last week's New Breed Fighters November 26th amateur event at the House of Blues in Atlantic City, and for the first time ever an archaic New Jersey State regulation allowing for instant replays in an MMA bout was utilized. The rule, invoked by New Jersey Chief of Dramatics Nick Lembo, requires a re-enactment of the bout with the competitors assuming roles from the works of William Shakespeare - in this instance, with Roberts and Vaccaro playing Tybalt and Mercutio from "Romeo and Juliet", respectively. As Roberts screamed "Have at thee, coward!" and Vaccaro decried "A plague o' both your houses!" it was determined that Roberts' rendition was truer to what "The Bard" had intended. Roberts was subsequently awarded the win. Said Lembo of this groundbreaking occurrence, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women are merely players."

WEC 37 Title Bout to be Broadcast in Microvision (tm)

The WEC 37 title bout between incumbent champ Miguel Torres and challenger Manny Tapia, a contest in the ultra-small "molecule weight class", will be broadcast on the "Versus" channel in Microvision (tm) according to a WEC press release. Microvision (tm) utilizes a microscope lens affixed to a television camera, which will enable fans to see the flea-sized Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt Torres hunt for submissions and the undefeated Tapia do... whatever it is he does in a fight. "We're really fortunate to have secured a Microvision (tm) lens," says producer Derek Mason-Gimble. "I mean, otherwise, how else would fans know what's going on when these really, really tiny mixed martial artists fight?" WEC 37 will air live on December 3th, and it will also feature the organizational debut of IFL champ Wagnney Fabiano.

Fedor Realizes He Can't Speak English, Cancels US Press Tour

Fedor Emelianenko, widely hailed as the best heavyweight fighter in the world, has cancelled his US press tour according to a written statement from his management team. The cancellation comes after the Russian sambo specialist's sudden realization that he cannot speak English, a realization that struck when Fedor was presented with his itinerary (which was to include interviews on "The Today Show" and "Nightline" as well as guest lectures at Columbia University, Yale and Harvard). "This man who follows me around and repeats what I say, but in other languages, I think he's a translator," said Fedor through a translator. "Really, I just thought people couldn't understand me because I mumble. But no, it's because I don't speak anything but Russian." Fedor is set to face former UFC champ Andrei Arlovski at Affliction's sophomore outing on January 24th.

Jorge Gurgel Jumps From UFC to Strikeforce, Vows to Never Go to the Ground Again

TUF 2 veteran Jorge Gurgel, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt and grappling instructor for former champ Rich Franklin, was cut from the UFC's roster this week but immediately signed with Strikeforce. Gurgel lost four of his seven bouts in the Octagon, with his last outing - a three-round "Fight of the Night" war against Aaron Riley - garnering the lightweight submission master both praise and criticism for his dogged desire to engage in a pure stand-up battle. "I may be a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt, but I swear you will never see an ounce of grappling from me ever again," said Gurgel, who wields at best only mediocre kickboxing skills. "Fans don't want to see me win with fancy armlocks and chokes. They want to see me get my head pounded in - and that's what I'll give them." Gurgel joins a talent-rich Strikeforce roster that includes Josh Thomson and Gilbert Melendez, both of whom will be more than happy to punch him in the face.

Major Staff Changes at WEC

According to inside sources, the WEC has undergone some major staffing changes in the past few days. The long-running promotion, which went from a regional, California-based affair to an international Zuffa-owned organization showcasing the best of the lighter weight classes, suffered dismal ratings on its last "Versus" channel event. Included on the list of those who got the axe are janitor John "Broomy" Legumet, who purportedly left a dirty mop head too close to Urijah Faber's hamster cage (Faber subsequently ate it), street team member Spence Feinstein, who failed to put flyers under the windshield wipers of every car in the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel & Casino parking lot, and Geraldine "Easy" Ryder, an intern who is allegedly "getting back together with her ex-boyfriend". No word yet if these key employees will be replaced.