Observations From My Couch: UFC 102

• Brandon Vera won because of his vastly superior striking skills, but he also had the advantage over Krzysztof Soszynski because of his name. Seriously, who doesn't prefer saying "Vera" over "Soszynski"?
• Who was that Jake Rosholt? He was a lot more exciting and capable than the one-dimensional Jake Rosholt we'd seen previously.
• By the way he came in throwing kicks and got totally messed up by a single punch, you could tell Demian Maia is a fantastic jiu-jitsu guy.
• Todd Duffee seems tough, but he needs to face someone who won't get knocked out by a jab.
• Ed Herman: the next in a long line of TUFers who belong in the minor leagues.
• How on Earth was Evan Dunham vs. Marcus Aurelio a split decision? That one wasn't even close.
• It's time for the "Dean of Mean" to hang up the gloves and go back to academia.
• Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira looked great - maybe the best ever. Randy Couture looked old - maybe the oldest ever.

Five Reasons Why Phillipe Nover Will Beat Efrain Escudero

TUF 8 finalists Phillipe Nover and Efrain Escudero will duke it out tomorrow night at the TUF finale on SpikeTV, which will determine who is this season's Ultimate Fighter and who will be relegated to mowing Dana White's lawn on the weekends for extra cash. In light of White and coach Nogueira's high praise, which was lavished on the Brooklyn native once he started clobbering foes in the Octagon like the Fantastic Four's "Thing" clobbers run-of-the-mill bank robbers, does the undefeated Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt Escudero stand a chance? Um, unless Nover slips on a banana peel on his way to the cage, the answer is "no". Here are five reason why Nover will win:

1. Not only was Nover recently awarded his jiu-jitsu black belt by Alexandre "Soca" Freitas, but he was issued a license to kill by Her Majesty's Secret Service and was made an honorary Power Ranger.
2. According to the prophecy, "No man born of Earth can harm the one they call Phillipe Nover".
3. The movie "Cloverfield" was inspired by the night Nover went out in Manhattan, had a little too much to drink and toppled three office buildings.
4. Nover got over his allergy to Kryptonite a long time ago. Now it just tastes bitter.
5. Nover has superpowers. Escudero does not.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episodes 11 & 12

The last two episodes were aired back to back, and they featured the final four match-ups to decide who makes it to the finale. Stankie more or less remained on the back burner for them, which is just as well, as Junie Browning was there to satisfy the "crazy" quotient.

• Ryan Bader is nonstop excitement and in his bout with Eliot Marshall he showed a wide range of mixed martial arts skills.
• Good Lord am I kidding. That performance was all suck, all the time.
• How well-rounded is Phillipe Nover? After tapping George Roop out with a kimura, he gave Roop a post-fight medical examination in the locker room - and then prescribed him pain medication for his shoulder!
• Krzysztof Soszynski introduced an interesting formula. He stated that one punch turns a jiu-jitsu black belt into a brown belt, and one combination can turn that same fighter into a white belt. What does a kick turn that black belt into? A purple belt? What about a knee to the midsection? A judo throw? An elbow to the jaw?
• I don't know what's worse: Browning's disgraceful actions in the house or Dana White's disgraceful decision to let him stay.
• The episode ended with coach Nogueira shaving coach Mir's head. This little bit of hairstyling coupled with White's "beat him off" comment is why TUF night is huge in gay bars across the nation.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 10

Is it me or has coach Nogueira's English slightly improved? Anyway, TUF 8's tenth episode and the last of the quarterfinal match-ups - yahoo! But only a little Stankie - boo!

• John Polakowski loves to hug people. Unfortunately, that hugging is the extent of his grappling ability.
• This week the "prank of the night" was eating all the marshmallows in Polakowski's box of Lucky Charms. What, were the housemates out of urine?
• A one-handed George Roop was able to defeat a healthy Polakowski. That's got to be embarrassing.
• The semifinal match-ups are announced, and the preview for the next episode shows Junie Browning engaging in more shenanigans. Oh joy! Do us all proud, Junie!

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 7

The seventh episode of TUF 8, blah, blah, blah. Eccentric assistant coach Stankie was very subdued this week, as prior to filming he'd spent a few nights in Clark County Jail for bringing a live grenade into famed strip joint Spearmint Rhino. Hey man, it wasn't like he was going to pull the pin or anything.

• Coach Mir's victory speech to Junie Browning consisted of a lot of "Dude, you suck!" and a tiny bit of "But congrats anyway". Interesting coaching style, buddy.
• Running on a treadmill with a scuba mask on and diving into a giant ice bath? Last night, Wanderlei Silva was sitting in his living room with his conditioning coach, and they were laughing their asses off at the young fighters tricked into taking part in these elaborate pranks disguised as "cutting-edge training methods".
• Why is Shane Nelson getting camera time? Didn't he already get beat? He should be out mowing a lawn somewhere.
• Okay, let me get this straight: Krzysztof Soszynski requests a body bag and the producers don't flip out? Come on. You just know Dana White got a phone call on that one.
• Fiery Brazilian drama between Coach Nogueira and Vinicius Magalhaes alert! Woot-woot! Someone is defintely getting stabbed with one of those giant meat skewers they use at churrascarias.
• Vinny's fight against Jules Bruchez was a solid ten on the "meh" meter.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 6

Last night brought us the sixth episode of the TUF 8 season, and we were treated to Junie Browning finally putting his money where his mouth is, coach Mir being a douche, and... wait for it... wait for it... STANKIE!

• Team Noguiera boxing coach Stankie is the best thing to ever happen to SpikeTV. Shouting "Fight, fight, kill, kill!" was just the tip of the iceberg. I just know he was out in the parking lot afterwards smashing windshields with a tire iron, and I have it on good authority that when the Team Mir van was shuttling the fighters back to the TUF house, Stankie tried to run it off the road with his beat-up 1974 Dodge Charger.
• Browning may never know how close to death he came for spitting on that black belt. Word is that Anderson Silva was mad as hell, and to release some of his anger, went over to one of the hanging bags and kicked it. The bag burst into flames.
• Based on his striking and wrestling ability, there's no question Roli Delgado is a Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu black belt.
• Although he snagged the split decision, Browning did not impress with that performance. If he ever fights Phillipe Nover, Nover is going to take his head clean off.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 5

The fifth episode of TUF 8 saw a lot less alcohol consumption, a lot more of coach Nogueira speaking incoherently, and a quick fight between two light-heavyweights who belong in the minor leagues fighting for a cheap and tacky belt and bragging rights at the local Hooters.

• Junie Browning jumps the cage and threatens Efrain Escudero after Escudero's win. His punishment for this shameful outburst? Dana White shaking his head disapprovingly while simultaneously salivating over his new ticking time bomb/potential ratings goldmine. Frank Mir, please eat this guy already!
• The more I see Stankie stumbling around mumbling like that drunk Vietnam veteran uncle who everyone avoids at family gatherings, the more I like him. I predict the TUF kids are going to wake up one morning and find Stankie passed out on the lawn. That's just a hunch.
• Anderson Silva's guest appearance and subsequent sparring with the TUF kids made me think of a child casually batting around his GI Joe action figures. Only in that scenario, Silva would be the child's parent, and the TUF kids would be the discarded cardboard boxes the action figures came in.
• Coach Nogueira was very endearing going to the TUF house and asking the guys to lay off the pranks. He strikes me as the type of parent that shows up at school asking the bullies to please stop stuffing his son in a locker. Sadly, that always ends up with the son getting stuffed into a trash can instead.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 4

Another episode of TUF, another night of drunken mayhem and coach Nogueira's subtitles.

• Junie Browning is an embarrassment to mixed martial arts. Please, PLEASE choke to death on your own vomit Mr. Browning. You're not even worthy enough to die in battle.
• How do you cut a fellow castmate with a glass and threaten others with a bottle and not get thrown off the show? Dana White, you have shamed us all.
• Was Stankie seen dressed up as a Scotsman during one of the training sessions? If so, that's awesome. Coach Nogueira should also bring in circus clowns and jugglers.
• When do we get to see Phillipe Nover knock someone out?

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 3

Last night was the third episode of the TUF 8 season, which, based on what we've seen thus far, is a season that will entail a lot of action, coach Nogueira speaking and us not understanding him, and enough drunken antics to make even the most hardened alcoholic say, "Jeez, guys, chill out."

• All your booze belong to Junie Browning. All your stupidity, too.
• Al "Stankie" returns! Few may remember a non-English-speaking Vitor Belfort crying out "Stankie? Stankie?" after he won UFC 12. Ah, the good old days.
• Coach Nogueira thinks some of his guys should open a restaurant based on their cooking skills. In the extra footage that will be available on the TUF 8 DVD, coach Mir takes Krzysztof Soszynski aside and says that, based on his wrapping skills, he should work for UPS.
• Ryan Bader and Tom Lawlor made for a good fight. Seriously. They came to throw down.

TUF 8 Analysis: Episode 2

The second episode of TUF 8: "Team Nogueira vs. Team Mir" graced our television screens last night, with the selection process in full swing and an assortment of hopefuls scrapping for a slot in the TUF house. Thankfully, Dana White's profanity and Minotauro's subtitled dialogue was kept to a minimum.

• Is Frank Mir shouting instructions for both fighters during the fights? Holy confusing, Batman!
• Ido Pariente is the highest-profile fighter Israel has produced. For choking Pariente out, Efrain Escuadero can expect a visit from Mossad sometime soon.
• John "Huggy Bear" Polakowski apparently has no qualms about embracing another man in times of happiness and celebration. Mir, on the other hand, employs a rigid three-second rule. Expect hilarity in upcoming episodes with Polakowski running around the gym with open arms and Mir hiding under the Octagon.
• The preview at the end of the episode provided brief glimpses of the rest of the season, including drunkenness (surprise!), rowdiness (no way!) and Dana White telling the cast to "beat each other off". It looks like TUF's heterosexual leanings will remain intact.

The UFC Really, Really, Really, Really Wants Brock Lesnar to Be Champ

During yesterday's UFC-hosted conference call announcing Randy Couture's return to the organization, High Exalted One Dana White announced a November 15th match-up between the fighting legend and relative MMA newcomer Brock Lesnar for Couture's heavyweight belt (with Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira's interim title apparently worth as much as a cheesy paperweight bought at a retired postal worker's yard sale). The message here is clear: the UFC really, really, really, really wants Lesnar to be champ. No, like REALLY wants him to be champ. Nevermind that he was 1-0 before entering the UFC, that he lost to Frank Mir in his Octagon debut, and that he only had to defeat Heath Herring to earn his shot at the belt - the "Superbowl of Mixed Martial Arts" wants Lesnar to have every possibly opportunity to be their star heavyweight. And regardless of how many other more-skilled, experienced and worthy contenders there are, you must not question it.

Obligatory Brock Lesnar Post

At some point the UFC stopped being about the best mixed martial artists in the world and started being about who sells tickets and pay-per-views. Case in point: Brock Lesnar, an inexplicable media magnet with legions of fans and a fraction of the skill top dogs Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira and Frank Mir possess. Dana White has wasted no opportunity to blast EliteXC for their promoting of streetfighter Kimbo Slice, but what's the UFC's excuse for pushing Lesnar? The UFC's entire anemic heavyweight division rests squarely on the shoulders of a chiseled former pro-wrestler with a tattoo of a dingling on his chest. Folks, he ain't worthy.