A Collection of News Haiku

• Fedor will fight on/ Strikeforce's November 7th show./ CBS baby!
• Where will this show be?/ Sears Center in Chicago? / Damn. Too far to drive.
• TUF 10 ratings are / huge thanks to Kimbo. Dana/ is two-faced - but smart!
• Cung Le has stepped down/ as Strikeforce middleweight champ./ The fight world says "Meh!"
• Phillipe Nover was/ paid despite not fighting. Props/ to Dana for that one.
• Sylvia fights in/ Adrenaline tonight. Tim,/ please be in shape. Please.
• Brown and Aldo will/ meet at WEC 44. /Well, not "meet". They'll fight.

Predictions for UFC 103: "Come On, CroCop, Don't Mess This Up"

Just a few scant days after UFC Fight Night 19 and the TUF 10 premiere comes UFC 103, a pay-per-view extravaganza featuring no title bouts and no match-ups of any real consequence. Wahoo! Fighting at a catch-weight of 195 are Vitor Belfort and Rich Franklin, because 195 pounds is cool and hip and all the kids are doing it, while Mirk CroCop returns to hopefully not get clobbered. So, predictions!

• The last seven fights Tyson Griffin has taken part in have ended via decision, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say he's going to defeat jiu-jitsu black belt Hermes Franca by... Falcon punch!
• Josh Koscheck and Frank Trigg are two solid wrestlers who like to throw punches and get knocked out. Look for a double-KO in this one.
• Martin Kampmann is Danish, which means when you bite into him you get a mouthful of frosting and some raisins. Brit striker Paul Daley hates raisins.
• CroCop is going to TKO the less-experienced Junior dos Santos, which sets up a nice revenge match for a future UFC between the Croatian and Senior dos Santos.
• Belfort is going to hit Franklin so hard, Franklin will no longer be qualified to teach high school arithmetic - only gym or special education.

Mitch the Intern's TUF 10 Recap: Episode 1

*Editor's note: Mitch the Intern is an NYU undergrad whose favorite Wednesday night pastime includes the TV in his dorm room, a green beanbag chair and two hits of acid. Enjoy.*

The Man-Love Dry Hump. It looms unspoken, a dirty phrase in the world of mixed martial arts that implies the worst kind of fight for fans to be subjected to, a fight that leaves one feeling icky and gross and uncomfortable, embarrassed, and seeking a licensed therapist. No one wants to see the Man-Love Dry Hump, no one wants it to grace their TV screen, but it happens. When two unskilled, untrained, untalented heavyweights get together, it happens. That dirty phrase, that curse. That pugilistic profanity.

It's the first episode of the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter" and we're greeted by coaches Quinton Jackson and Rashad Evans, who sit within the lonely confines of the TUF Training Center arguing back and forth about who is blacker. "I'm blacker," says Jackson. "Aw hell no, I am," says Evans. This goes on for a bit with all the intensity of a nursing home rec room disagreement during nap time. Then the contestants arrive, a slew of heavyweights with varying backgrounds and potential.

There's the ex-NFL guys, big former football players who last fought at that Sigma Alpha Epsilon party back in college when those townies attempted to sneak into the frat house and steal a few plastic cups of warm, putrid beer from the keg. There's Giant Sasquatch Man, who looks like something out of an X-Men comic book but gets winded walking to the water cooler. There's Wes Sims, the comedy relief. There's Roy Nelson, the IFL champ who's far and away better and more experienced than everyone else there.

Jackson pokes Nelson in the belly and declares him fat. Jackson doesn't recognize Nelson, doesn't remember that Nelson fought on an EliteXC card broadcast on CBS. Maybe "Rampage" owns a TV that doesn't get that channel. Who knows.

Dana White arrives and lines everyone up. "Don't make a big deal about this guy," he says of the 16th TUF 10 contestant about to be introduced. "Really, he's just a street fighter," and White throws confetti into the air and pops the cork off a bottle of Moet. "Seriously. I hate him."

Kimbo Slice enters the gym, the last piece of the puzzle. A collective grumble issues forth from the cast, and contestant Brandon Cottonswab admits he wants to "fuck him", a promise of Man-Love Dry Hump that would would prove... what? That Kimbo ain't so tough? That Kimbo wasn't worth the $500,000 he made from his last fight? Does Brandon Cottonswab think that by making lurv to Kimbo he'd be entitled to whatever is in Mr. Slice's bank account?

The coaches must pick teams, and though Jackson makes it clear he wants Kimbo as his first and only pick, there's still the formality of the 16 fighters "trying out" for their slots. Evans, with his training guru Greg Jackson by his side, examines each contestant closely, watching how they punch heavybags, escape from submissions, crochet blankets and cook souffles. Rampage has Tiki Ghosn as his lieutenant and they simply have each contestant step on a scale. They want the biggest because, um, damn. "Size does matter," says Rampage. And somewhere in Chelsea, a gay bar erupts in cheers. Innuendo number one is in the books.

Teams are chosen, with Evans picking people he thinks can win (like Nelson) and Jackson picking people whose names he can spell (Kimbo, Wes Sims). As Evans got the first pick, Jackson gets to make the first match-up. He chooses a forgettable Jon Madsen from Team Rashad to face a regrettable Abe Wagner from Team Rampage.

There are training montages interspersed with glimpses and close-ups of these two heavyweights who are first up at bat, things that are supposed to make us care or at least illuminate why so-and-so is one-dimensional and why so-and-so sucks worse than a Hoover vacuum the size of the Death Star. But if you put a dress and some lipstick on a pig, and maybe a platinum-blond wig on its head and four tiny high heels on its hooves, it's still a pig underneath all that. Just like a Man-Love Dry Hump is just a Man-Love Dry Hump. Which, sadly, is what we get for the season's first fight.

There's blood, plenty of blood, blood pooled upon the Octagon floor as Madsen lays atop Wagner, his takedowns - his sole technique - unstoppable to the lumbering colossus that is Jackson's fighter. Maybe there's whispers, too, of love or hatred, and whimpers of regret (like, why didn't I ever train guard passes? Why didn't I ever train escapes? Was it wise to eat that BigMac before we got here?). And in the end the clock runs out, a sad testament to what may be in store for us for the rest of the season. Madsen has his arm raised, Wagner has a deep gash opened up on his skull, and all we're left with is prayers that someone, anyone of these TUF 10ers, will at least go down swinging.

Please, no more Man-Love Dry Hump.

Update on Phillipe Nover

Phillipe Nover's bout with Sam Stout was scratched from last night's UFC Fight Night 19 card when Nover suffered a seizure backstage. How's the "Filipino Assassin" doing? "I'm cool," he said in a text to MMA Journalist. "I'm in good health now. I should see a specialist when I get back to New York and make sure that never happens to me ever again." Added the TUF 9 veteran: "As soon as I can figure out what happened to me and see a neurologist and perhaps even get a few special diabetic tests done, I'll be back." MMA Journalist wishes Nover a speedy recovery from whatever is causing him problems. The dude is a stud and belongs in the cage kicking ass.

Observations From My Couch: UFC Fight Night 19

• Maybe there was some sort of grand coincidence where everyone had a mortgage or car payment due, but it seemed like just about the entire main card was going balls-out to secure that "Fight of the Night" bonus. And yes, that's a good thing.
• Nate "The Get Mauled But Still Beat The Hell Out Of You Rock" Quarry.
• For a first timer, Jake Ellenberger sure didn't hesitate to pound the crap out of Carlos Condit. He definitely belongs in the Octagon.
• Because of the beating he took and the ability he showed in recovering and coming back to win, Condit never looked better. He, too, belongs in the Octagon.
• As last fights on contracts go, Roger Huerta kinda went out with style. He blasted Gray Maynard more than a few times, avoided the "Human Blanket" and refused to tap when his arm was nearly ripped out of its socket. He's going to make a great addition to Strikeforce's roster and will likely end up their champ.
• Melvin Guillard: so much talent and raw ability, so much suck.

Nevada Plumbers Union to Boycott TUF 10

The Nevada Plumbers and Pipefitters Union Local 525 is boycotting the tenth season of "The Ultimate Fighter". According to a statement released yesterday, the upcoming season - which features coaches Quinton Jackson and Rashad Evans at the helm of two teams of heavyweights - saw the off-camera deaths of two licensed plumbers and the injury of three sanitation technicians and four apprentices during the course of filming, a death toll far exceeding those of previous TUF installments. "Sixteen heavyweights locked into a house with only three toilets? That's not just dangerous, that's criminal!" said union chief Sal Minganelli over the phone. "Every day my guys went in to that warzone to replace broken fixtures and ruptured pipes, and every day they put themselves in harm's way. And for what? A TV show about some clown named 'Kimbo'? I'm telling you, it's not right. It's not right." TUF 10 debuts tonight, and in addition to Kimbo Slice, will feature the toilet-busting prowess of Roy Nelson, Wes Sims and Scott "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" Junk.

Predictions for UFC Fight Night 19: "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career"

UFC Fight Night 19 is nearly upon us, and the show - titled "Nate Diaz vs. Easy Submission Win To Salvage His Career" - will feature TUF 5 winner Diaz against Melvin Guillard, a veritable grappling dummy that loves to throw big punches and do mountains of cocaine. The SpikeTV-broadcast event will serve as a lead-in for the eagerly anticipated TUF 10 debut episode, and if UFC Fight Night 19's card is of any indication, the network's executives really don't give a crap who is fighting on their channel, only that someone is. So... predictions!

• In the Nate Quarry vs. Tim Credeur bout, the two elder statesmen will fight. Or maybe sit around and talk about the good old days while calling the younger fighters on the card whippersnappers. Then they'll leave to catch the early bird special at the buffet, and go to bed around 7pm.
• Carlos Condit will defeat Jake Ellenberger. Afterwards, he'll go home, root around in his closet, pull out the WEC championship belt he threw there in shame after his last UFC bout, dust it off, and put it back in its display case on the wall in his living room.
• Gray Maynard is going to dry-hump Roger Huerta so vigorously, Huerta is going to show up at Xtreme Couture in nine months with a baby in his arms and say to Maynard, "Gray, you're a daddy. Let's make this work for his sake."
• It really doesn't matter who wins between Diaz and Guillard. What does matter is the ungodly amounts of weed and blow that will be found at their afterparty.

Why Can't This Man Get A Pro Fight?

Maybe it's because he's a veteran of New York's underground fight scene, or maybe it's because he's considered a vale tudo badass, but James Funaro, a 175-pound warrior with a 7-3 record, is having a hard time securing his first pro fight. And that's insane. Funaro - a product of Vamos BJJ and BoxFit - is a finisher, capable of ending things on the ground or on the feet, and when he has to he can wage war until the final bell. What more could you want from someone who always seems to have a decent-sized cheering section rooting him on? Thus far Funaro has had zero luck getting through to local matchmakers. As ROC promoter Lou Neglia banned those who continue to fight in underground events from competing in his organization, Funaro hasn't fought since January (when the rule came down) lest he sink his pro career before it even starts. Meanwhile, an opponent he defeated in an unsanctioned show has fought twice now in Atlantic City, and Funaro's goal of getting paid to do what he loves remains unrealized. Why can't this man get a fight?

ROC 26 Postscript

• Ricardo Romero needs a step up in competition, as he is no longer being tested by those he faces. Seriously, it's like a man fighting a boy.
• Victor O'Donnell vs. Costa Phillippou was super-close and could've gone either way. I hope this isn't the last we see of O'Donnell.
• Props to Rob Wince for stepping in and facing Gian Villante. Big props to Wince for his willingness to throw down.
• Chris Schlesinger's still got it.
• Kudos to the New Jersey amateur circuit for making Liam Kerrigan into a monster for his first pro fight.
• Louis Gaudinot is a beast. Also impressive was Jackson Galka, who, despite losing, showed some sharp Muay Thai.

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Long Island Underground Fight Show Postscript

Great show, very action-packed and the main event - which saw two very talented fighters throw down - delivered. Congrats to Rashad Clarke of the Brooklyn Fight Factory for his win via TKO, a ref stoppage due to cut against a quality opponent. Both men will be back.